I don't remember a time that I've been fond of being in the middle. I'm torn between two places, two ages, two ways of being. To quote One Republic's Counting Stars - "I'm old, but I'm not that old. I'm young, but I'm not that bold."
I'm between this earthly ground and the heavenly realm...not really knowing or resting in either place. Call it liminal, between, or threshold space. I'm not sure what this is.
I had an interesting conversation on Twitter with a gal I haven't met in person, but who I've had other conversations with. She's a baseball fan, like me, and we've shared some interesting topics. But, the other night she posted how she wanted to be a mom, but was sure that any kid she had would hate her. I tried to reassure her that any child hates their parents - mine do on a regular basis. But, they're doing ok. - mediocre - in the middle.
She went on to talk about the really difficult life she had growing up, and how her younger sister is..."troubled." In my definition, what I know of this girl is that she, herself, has been troubled as well. Especially in her tweets about detox, jail, probation, and drinking. She's had some opportunities. But, her difficult past, and the following therapy has defined her life.
I mentioned that those experiences, good or bad, have shaped who she is. She took it as she should have learned from what happened. That's not what I said.
I realize how different my life has been than hers - how fortunate I was to have had such a relatively innoculous childhood and close relationship with my mom. That my dad was part of our lives until I was a teenager - and then although absent emotionally to us, he was still in the household until we three kids left the house. I was a good student, didn't get into any legal trouble, kept my nose clean. Although emotionally bouncing from one friendship, relationship, community, to the next.
I then married my high school sweetheart, had two beautiful children, established a career that I love, and worked very hard to be "the good girl" and live "a good life."
For all that I have worked for, I'm not any further along; still in between places. Not quite there, but not able to live grounded here. In transition, on the cusp of a breakdown or a breakthrough. Once again bouncing between friendships, relationships, and communities. Midlife crisis, or monkey in the middle?
