Seasons in light

Health and Hunger

2011-12-06T15:20:00.001-06:00

During Advent, I receive several spiritual meditations, and readings in my inbox. It's a way for me to be connected to the larger body of Christ in my daily life. This is a reading by Jackie Cameron, staff member at Credo, an Episcopal Church resource for clergy. I just found it to be especially helpful as I contemplate the very question in my journey here on this side of the planet.

"Pay attention!" It's a major Advent theme, but it'salso the key to the spiritual life, as well as to healthy relationships, wisefinancial stewardship, vocational discernment and, yes, even physicalwell-being.

The control of appetite--that is, our sense of hunger and of fullness orsatisfaction after eating--is an extremely complex system involving hormones,brain and nerve chemicals called neurotransmitters, the presence or absence offood in our stomach and intestines, emotions, visual cues, smells, memories,the people around us and many other things. Even our fat cells havesomething to say in the complex internal conversation that leads to hunger.

This season, instead of berating yourself for not having more willpower ... orfor failing to lose that 10 or 20 or 50-plus pounds or whatever else youhaven't done, stop for a moment ... suspend the internal critic and insteadask, "What is it that I am really hungry for?" And payattention to the answers-because there will be many.

One answer may well be, "I am hungry for the biggest piece of cheesecakeon that platter." But other answers may include, "I am hungryfor companionship" or "I am hungry for reassurance that God is reallythere" or "I am hungry to know that I have something to offer"or even "I am just hungry for some fun ... or a chance to reallylaugh."

So go ahead ... ask the question ... livewith the question ... and payattention to the answers. Doing so will help set us all on apath to true fullness of life.

2011-11-30T12:38:00.001-06:00

“Our Christian wisdom is toname the darkness as darkness, and the Light as light, and to learn how to liveand work in the Light so that the darkness does not overcome us.” – RichardRohr, Preparing forChristmas.

“This is the message we haveheard from him and declare to you: God is light; in him there is no darkness atall.” 1 John1:5 (TNIV)
And so today, though we walk in darkness, we put our hope in the great Light.

What do you really want?

2011-09-13T01:04:00.002-05:00

I was going to entitle this post "What are you hungry for?" but then realized a recent post was about hunger. Maybe there's a theme here, but in the deepest thoughts about famine and hunger, I come home tonight to another growling in my belly. An urge to nibble on a snack sends me to the fridge to look around.There's not much that I wanted in there, except a package of uncooked chocolate chip cookie dough and milk. I resisted, and went to the cupboard instead for some vanilla wafers and a cup of hot water.

As I picked up a few things off the floor, folded a couple of items of clothing, and then turned on the light and picked up a book - I was amazed by the selection of books that were on my nightstand. All four books that I've been grabbing snippets from for quite some time...but they have to do with my spiritual journey. Not just any journey, but one of listening and asking (praying) and of finding rhythms in spiritual practices of meditation, fasting, and rest.

And so tonight I picked up the first book, "Talking to God" by Naomi Levy. This book of common daily prayers for joy, sadness, struggle and celebration helps me to realize all the many people in my life - friends, family, strangers...who I have been praying for, but without the words that I wish I had. Here, I found prayers for my friend who just had a baby, for my friends who are caring for ill and aging parents, for parents who want to pray for their children, and with their children, and prayers for my own inability to pray.

My cup of water was boiling in the microwave, and so I grabbed it and sat down with another book. I picked up "Life of the Beloved" by Henri Nouwen - one of my favorite books of all. Tonight the subtitle "spiritual living in a secular world" struck me differently than I ever remember hearing it. So, I opened a section that I know I have read before. But this time, my prayers for listening ears, open eyes, and my soul wide open to listen to the whispers of God were answered. I read the prologue and it jumped out at me as if it was what God was and is trying to say to me! While closing an interview with a young journalist Nouwen writes:

"What do you really want?" I asked.
"I want to write a novel...but I'll never be able to do it."
"Is this something you really want?" I asked. He looked at me with surprise on his face and said with a smile, "Yes, it is,...but I'm also afraid because I've never written a novel, and maybe I don't have what it takes to be a novelist."
"How will you find out?" I asked.
"Well, I probably won't ever be able to find out. You need time, money, and most of all, talent, and I don't have any."
By now I had become angry at him, at society, and, to some degree, at myself for letting things just be as they are. I felt a strong urge to break down all these walls of fear, convention, social expectations and self-deprecation, and I blurted out,
"Why don't you quit your job and write your novel?"
"I can't," he said...I kept pushing him,"If you really want it, you can do it. You don't have to be the victim of time and money." At this point, I realized that I had become involved in a battle I was determined to win. He sensed my intensity and said, "Well, I'm just a simple journalist, and I guess I should be content with that."
"No, you shouldn't," I said. "You should claim your deepest desire and do what you really want to do...time and money aren't the real issue."
"What is?" he asked.
"You are," I answered. "You have nothing to lose. You are young, full of energy, well trained...Everything is possible for you...Why let the world squeeze you in?...Why become a victim? You are free to do what you want - if, that is, you really want it!"

That's when it hit me. "What do I want?" I've been so busy for so long, spending so much of my time praying for others, thinking about how to care for my family and others, that I have put aside asking for my own needs so long that I don't even know what I want anymore. Thinking about this, my heart leaped and tears began to well up in my eyes. Could it be possible that I don't even know what my dream is? I don't even know what I would want for myself and those around me.
"You should claim your deepest desire and do what you really want to do...time and money aren't the real issue."

So I asked myself out loud to God - "What do I want?" and, he said "That's what I've been asking you for some time now!" "You are following me around like a lost puppy, but I'm ready to lead you to a new calling, something I have been preparing you for. Stop shuffling around with your eyes on the ground and look up and out to what is in store. Look up to the possibilities of a new day!"
Our church has been in a season studying the book of Colossians - and the Message translation has exactly the words I needed tonight to realize the connection to what I'm experiencing.

I still am not sure what I want, but I'm going to pray and ask God to reveal to me what it is that is the deepest desires of my heart. If I believe that the desires of my heart have been planted there by God himself, if I know what they are, maybe then I can begin to wonder about what it would take to get me there, and what I would have to take off from my current self to put on the armor of Christ. I believe I am close to getting words around what I'm experiencing. Tonight's revelation for me sheds a little more light on this season of life. Stay tuned...and be sure to ask if you want to know more.

Too busy to breathe, but starting new stuff anyhow

2011-09-12T23:45:00.000-05:00

My readers know that I usually post after I've had some strange Epiphany, or realization that something in my life is happening. Either it be subtle or dramatic, but I sense things are moving.

I have actually been working so much lately - and having to find time in the minor moments to just settle in, that I haven't had much time to think straight. I have worked long days, and have only had 2 full days off in the past 16. I am certainly looking for some time off soon - later this week. But tonight I find myself sitting at a table in the class, talking about the struggle of being human and what we're expecting from this class with a few folks from church. Tonight we begin a new day, a new chapter in our household...a day where my husband and I get on the same page in regards to our finances. We decided last spring, that with some financial changes that are happening in our life - less daycare expenses because our son is in school full time, and less basic expenses because we're choosing to live more frugally, but on the verge of a job shift for him, and a change in needs of our children and our family...we are taking a class called Financial Peace University, by Dave Ramsey.

This class isn't because we're so deep in debt and we're looking for a life raft - although we've been there. It's because we have come from the depths of debt and are looking to stay on track with our new situation, and allow for some additional breathing room so that stress won't rear its ugly head when something "unexpected" happens to either of us, or both of us, financially.

I'm sure I'll blog more about the class as we progress through thirteen weeks of budgeting, saving, and wealth-building. In fact, we expect to complete the class just before Christmas. By the way - it was 83 degrees today in sunny Minnesota. I'm sure it won't be that on the last day of the class.

I came home from the class tonight pretty energized about why we (my husband and I) chose to take the class together. We left our children to care for each other, and my children were so very well behaved, theyeven put themselves to bed on time. :) I really felt good about our decision to step out and make this happen. But, in the hurry of the afternoon between work and the class, I had to make dinner for the family. Not a big deal, really, just some grilled ham & cheese sandwiches on sourdough bread - and some raw veggies. And, in the strangeness of the day - although my daughter said she wasn't hungry, she ate my sandwich - and as any loving mother would do - I let her have it, and scrounged for something else. No time - we had to get out the door and over to church for class - so I grabbed a Diet Coke and headed out the door.
Now, it's often in stressful times I realize how I can just get easily sidetracked and forget to take care of myself. I'm rushing around so much lately - that I can barely get from one thing to another without something in-between to distract me.

I am taking some time off this week - comp time - to take back some hours I've poured in. It'll be good to get back to finding some time for me and God. It's starting, I can feel it. See next post to read how I'm noticing God's movement for me tonight.

Hunger

2011-08-16T00:32:00.000-05:00

The word hunger means many things to me. I hunger for knowledge, I grow hungry for a snack. To Webster it's a craving or urgent need for food or a specific nutrient; an uneasy sensation occasioned by the lack of food; a weakened condition brought about by the prolonged lack of food, or a strong or compelling desire or craving.
My kids tell me "Mom, I'm starving." and awkwardly stare into a refrigerator and pantry full of leftovers and odds and ends, and say "there's nothing to eat."
And then, I turn on the tv and see the devastation that hunger and famine can do to families across the globe. The crisis in the Horn of Africa and across the globe right now is something that is hitting me deeper and deeper each day.
As we pray "Give us this day our daily bread." I realize that I've never had to really wonder where my next meal was going to come from. I didn't choose to be born into a culture of affluence, or that I'd get to experience grocery stores on a daily basis the way I do. Nor, did I choose to live in a country where clean water is taken for granted. But, I do, and that's where I find myself.

And so, what can we do? What should we do. Prayer and learning more about hunger is what I propose I can do right here right now. There is a crisis - something urgent and tangible. When small children are being left behind by their parents because they do not have enough energy or strength to make a long journey to where there is clean water and food, I can pray. When adults have completely lost any sense of who they are because they simply have no energy to move or share conversation or look at others, I can pray.
Lord, have mercy. Be with each of these children today, as your own precious ones whom you love. Give them daily manna and satisfy their cravings for food, but also for dignity, and for a sense of who You are to them as provider, and faithful shepherd. I am deep in prayer and will fast one meal each day to remind me of the minor hunger pangs - so that I may join in solidarity with these who are suffering today. Father God, have mercy. Show comfort and care to your African children. For they didn't choose these circumstances, any more than I did my own. Jesus, have mercy. Holy Spirit come.
I will not easily forget that across the world other families, other mothers, fathers, brothers and sisters are literally starving - and without food or clean water. I will also not forget that disease and famine plague these whole countries. I must not forget. I must remember them tonight.

Fruit

2011-06-22T17:18:00.000-05:00

Jesus said, 'A sound tree cannot bear bad fruit, nor a rotten tree good fruit.'
~ Matthew 7: 17-18

We must choose to listen to God's voice and every choice will open us a little more to discover the new life hidden in the moment, waiting eagerly to be born.

- Henri J. M. Nouwen

How often do we move forward without thinking about what God's will would be for our lives? What is that "new life hidden in the moment" that Nouwen talks about? I'm choosing today to slow down and listen more fully.

Text excerpts taken from The Only Necessary Thing, Henri J.M. Nouwen, ed. Wendy Wilson Greer (Crossroad 1999).

So...I lied

2011-06-22T00:05:00.000-05:00

When I began this blog about a million years ago...I said I didn't care about who was reading it. I was going to write this blog and put down thoughts because they were for me and me alone. An online journal - open for others to read to keep me accountable and honest - but really only for me.

I am so glad that I have chosen to write over the past few years, because as I look back over some posts (some just from the past 6months) I didn't remember writing them. I've been so far out of really writing well that I completely forgot my thoughts and ideas from back then. I've either moved on to something new, or am doomed to repeat mistakes I've made and haven't paid much attention to.
Sure, I'm busy. We're all busy. But, to forget what I was thinking during very significant points in my life - that's just wrong!

So...in part I was telling the truth - I did write for me. Because apparently I needed (and still need) to be reminded of what I felt, thought, and did. But, in some ways...I write for others to read and comment and make some noise. I want to know that others read and resonate with what I say, or that they even care or know that I have a blog and I find time to write - HA! I guess I'm looking for a little encouragement here.

I've succumbed to the Twitter posts of 140 characters at a time, and have completely lost the art and creativity I can express when I write. I can bring life to multiple characters on a page and create meaning and emotions. You can to. Many of my friends write - and I barely take time to read their blogs...but when I do, I try to comment to let them know who's reading. Let me know you're here...so I can take a little time to write more often because it matters to someone else, not just me.

So...I lied. I don't just write for me. I also write for you. So, if you're visiting, please drop me a comment. Share your thoughts, ask some questions. If you've been here before, and have never commented - please give it a shot. Even if just to say "Killroy was here." If you didn't really read this...then never mind.

Facets and Reflections

2011-06-16T01:14:00.000-05:00

I have a friend, a spiritual director, and she's very good at asking deep questions that turn my face back towards God. We don't specifically come together to talk about where God is leading me, but she asked this question today of me in light of the changes and journey that is taking place in me. What does one do when one notices change and recognizes God in their life? Now that you've seen that the Father has been working in you...what do you do with it? Each of us will answer that question differently. What does it mean for me?

There has been a period of time in my life recently where I have noticed much change in myself. In fact, I barely noticed it at first - but thought God was speaking to me differently. As I slowed down long enough to listen to what was going on inside me, and outside me, and took time to notice what God was showing me...I thought that He had begun to speak to me in a new voice. He was speaking and showing me things in ways I had never recognized before. It was jaw-dropping crazy!!
Then, after some time and discussion with others, I began to realize that God hadn't changed. Nor had He changed His ways. Could it be possible that I was the one who was changing? Could it be that I was listening and noticing things in new ways, just as I had prayed for Him to open within me?
Not only could it be possible, but here it was, happening just as I had hoped - and feared.

I've mentioned before that I've grown comfortable sitting in the questions. I was able to strip away all the "things" that I thought "I was" to reveal the real me, the true self, the beloved daughter of the King!! I had let go of my various hats that I wore, those identities that defined who I was as a wife, daughter, co-worker, friend, and yes - even as mother to my two children. I needed to let go of who I was for them, in order to regain my love for them. There was a symbolic letting go that had to take place, so that I could be free to love them once again with new eyes and ears and arms.

I have just recently noticed how getting to the core of who I am as The Beloved, has also not removed those roles that I play - as mom, wife, employee, etc...but each of these roles have now come all around me shining back at me and reflecting the Love of Christ. I can't stop being a mother, but I can get a new perspective. I can't stop loving my husband for who he is, but I can get a new look at who he is becoming. I am done having babies from this body, but that doesn't mean I'm done being a mom.

It's like facets on a carefully cut precious stone...showing windows into the people and relationships that I love...and reflecting back for me how much Jesus loves me, and how God the Father Himself created me for this very moment in time. It's all wrapped up together, intertwined in the nurturing mother that I am identifying in myself. It's not just about my own children, although my relationships with them are certainly part of what's happening here. I feel like there's something else that is emerging...and new birth perhaps somewhere in all of this. Not only am I birthing something new, but I'm caring for and watching over others in relationships.

Not everyone likes a mothering spirit keeping watch over them. Not everyone wants another mother of sorts to stick her nose in their business and get into the problem and find solutions. Many want to find it themselves. Wherin lies the dilemma of balance as I offer up care and compassion.

Friends who have lost earthly mothers completely understand that you never grow too old to need your mother. Dear friends remembering mothers and standing with mothers in health situations realize all too well the important role they play in our lives. As I watch my own mother age and need my help and care in a very different way than when I was growing up, I notice the mother within me is still in need of her loving mother hands and voice. She cared for and nurtured me for all of my life. Whether near or far, she is the one who is always available to me, and always looking out for my best interest.

My questions and wonderings about motherhood bring me back to that multi-faceted precious stone. The relationships that surround me don't define who I am, but rather reflect back to me and out to others who I really am as the Beloved of Christ.

The work of defining "call."

2011-05-31T23:09:00.001-05:00

For some reason, a stirring has begun in me and has accelerated at an alarming rate. The stillness and quiet that I felt from my God has been reopened and he has partnered with me in a new place. I realized that He wasn't speaking to me differently over the past year, but that I indeed was the one who has changed, and that I have been hearing Him differently. Is it because I have taken time to pause, to listen, and to wonder about the way He created me? Or, will He just keep moving because this is the time He needs me to move?

I believe my God made me, and therefore knows everything about me. He knows things about me that even I don't know or understand. That is weird. I mean, who doesn't know themselves best? I know what I like, I know what I don't like. I have always tested the same ESFJ on the Myers-Briggs and have always been a detail-oriented person. In fact, I was taking some time last night to review some of the personality and strengths assessment tests I've taken over the past several years in ministry, and I feel that mostly they remain the same. But in reviewing one, I noticed I really have changed and adapted to many things in my life these past years that have made me a different person.

In ministry settings, I've only known two kinds of roles - the visionaries, and the details people. Those with the vision are seldom the same people who carry the details and execute the fine points of nametags, rosters, and organization. On the same note, those who carry the details are seldom the same people who see the bigger picture and have ideas and wholness for holding and driving the whole. Not to say that each of the people in these roles aren't capable of doing the other things...just that it's difficult to switch hats from one to another in the same breath.

Then, why, on several occasions over the course of the last several years have I heard others say about me that I have the unique ability to do both? To carry the details, because that's what comes easily to me, but that I hold the bigger pieces and carry them with care and compassion for how others are received. I guess that is part of who I am becoming. I've always been the details gal, and I wonder today if there's been a need to step into a new season in my life. A new light has shined into this place, and from it I cannot hide, no matter how much I try to resist it.

Today a friend, a mentor, put more words on it for me. She said it's as if I hold a spiritual mothering, a nurturing of people. Both for my own children, but also for others - children, parents, families, and those least and lost. Is this the call that I am tending to? I carry an intercession for others that I cannot explain. I care very deeply for those that I see may be on the margins, and sometimes those very people are the ones that have shared the positions and places that I've been.

When God calls, He speaks to a person and asks them to do something, to move in a way that is consistent with their growth. In my experience, it's not always a clear voice in English saying do this or do that. For me, God's voice has been that inner voice in my gut that tells me that something is not yet complete. That voice that says I should move and act with what I know, and trust that God will carry it through because it's in obedience and partnership with Him. It's the crazy dreams and ideas that I never would have come up with on my own. It's the hint in my mind that I have the right answer even though I don't always have the courage to say the answer out loud. I should trust myself more. Especially when it's a feeling or wondering that I cannot explain. That doesn't mean I'm going to be right...it just means that perhaps in trusting myself enough to say it, the words will mean something to the situation, or others around me, enough to have been on purpose.

I've talked here before about my circles of discernment. Places and reminders and hints from various sources that all seem to come back and point to the same thing. It's about finding reason and logic in the most illogical places. It's about seeing and listening for recognition and order. I don't always get it. And, I've grown okay with that. But, when I do get it, that confirmation of my gut feeling, my conscience tells me to rest and wait more on my unconscience to help confirm.

It's the reminder each night as my 6-yr-old son and I say prayers together. We start out with...
"We are to love who with our heart?"
"The Lord Our God."
"And, we only need to love him with a little bit of our heart, right?"
"No, mom, with ALL of our heart. ALL of our soul, ALL of our mind, and ALL of our strength."
"You mean, ALL?!? Not just most of our heart, soul, mind, strength?"
"ALL of it, mom."
"ALL of your heart? - not just your arms, your kidneys, your lungs, your brain and your muscles?"
"Oh, mom. Love the Lord Your God with ALL your heart, ALL your soul, ALL, your mind, and ALL your strength." "And, love your neighbors as yourself."
"Who is your neighbor? Am I your neighbor?"
"Yes, mom, all other people are your neighbors, not just the people who live next to us, jeesh!"

So...this weekend the worship reminded me. Take my life, an old hymn with deep meaning today. Re-worked by Chris Tomlin.

Take my life and let it be consecrated Lord, to thee.
Take my moments and my days, let them flow in ceaseless praise.
Take my hands and let them move at the impulse of thy love.
Take my feet and let them be swift and beautiful for thee.

Take my voice and let me sing always, only for my king.
Take my lips and let them be filled with messages from thee.
Take my silver and my gold not a might would I withhold.
Take my intellect and use every power as you choose.

::Chorus::
Here am I, all of me.
Take my life, it's all for thee.

Take my will and make it Thine it shall be no longer mine.
Take my heart it is thine own; it shall be thy royal throne.
Take my love, my Lord I pour at your feet its treasure store
Take myself and I will be ever, only all for thee,
Take myself and I will be ever, only all for thee.

Here am I, All of me.
Take my life, It's all for thee.

So, if I am to sing these words and say the prayer, and walk through life meaning fully that God can use me as He will...then I need to remember to trust that He will carry me and give me all the resources that I need to accomplish His tasks. Whatever that may be or look like, or no matter how uncomfortable, or how resistant I am to change. I must move to please Him, because He is my purpose. To follow Jesus is my call. To be willing to sacrifice, to serve His purposes, in a way that is beyond myself, beyond my own family, beyond my own boundaries.

In this place to fully move into that, we have to completely trust that God will care for that which we cannot. We cannot fully take on the details and the larger picture in the same breath. But, He will give me what I need in the moments that I follow Him. He will pick up the pieces and carry that or help me to see what I've missed when I cannot carry it all. This is the continuous work of defining and discerning how I feel I am called into service for Jesus.

It's not easy. I have many questions. I wonder and partner with others in questions that they, too, have about their purpose in life. But, perhaps being comfortable in those uncomfortable questions is part of staying in it. Part of being a spiritual being in a human world.

The Social Butterfly

2011-03-30T22:14:00.000-05:00

The past year has been one of finding my life. But, I fear, I have lost part of my life in the social media that I surround myself in.
It began so innocently with this blog. Then, another blog for my home & garden when we moved in two winters ago. Then, Facebook networking became more of a way for me to keep in touch with old friends that I haven't heard from in a while - some from high school, college, and others who I worked with but wasn't able to keep in contact with any other way. Later last year I began to check out Twitter, simply because some of my favorite people - including my cousin in Japan and my brother only communicate that way. They don't use Facebook.
I recently got a new smart phone (Android) and have been able to load both of my Gmail accounts, Yahoo! email, and work email. Along with the data plan, I was also able to add unlimited texting to our plan so that my daughter can now also use texting to communicate with me.
A bit much? Probably. -- there -- you couldn't tell -- but I left just for a moment to check on Facebook again. And, I really have to learn some boundaries with this phone thing. I can't blog on the phone - so that's one thing that's good. Although I must admit I tried a couple of blogger apps, to no avail. But, the electronic games are pretty addictive. I'm at least learning to not bring the phone to the dinner table - and not to glance at it in the middle of a conversation unless it's actually ringing. That's like saying I'm just a social drinker...and I don't have a drinking problem because I can control it.
I must know that it's too much when I mention apps like Hootsuite and Tweetdeck and everyone around me thinks I'm speaking another language. Like the teacher on the Peanuts cartoons - whah-wha whah-wha wha whah.
But really, what is the harm in being so connected to the world around me? After all, Twitter is the new evening news, right? That's how we're hearing news from around the world - in 140 character bits - and just enough for a sound bite. Just enough to keep me from really going deeper - into the deep thoughts and heart of who I'm wired to be. My strengths teach me that I'm connected, and I'm a networker who woos people by connecting with many across a broad spectrum. But, what does that mean for my deeper relationships?
What am I losing, giving up, or just plain ignoring? How can I balance my need for social media with the need for deeper meaning in my life? I'll be thinking upon that tonight as I sleep.
to be continued...

2010 in review

2011-01-01T10:00:00.000-06:00

The sun is peeking through the bitter cold of a January morning in Minnesota. Welcome 2011.

We had fun at a friend's house with their kids and mine last night...and I scheduled a coffee date with a new friend for New Year's morning...but unfortunately that didn't work out for her today. So, I find myself with some not-so-common time to myself and time to write a bit and remember. I believe that many of my friends find that the end of the year and beginning of the next bring thoughts of time...the old and the new, reflections on what was and what could have been...and hopes and thoughts of what might be coming in the days and months ahead.

The past year in my life was strange, and somewhat not unusual. I specifically remember the feelings of coming out of my own dark last winter into spring, of walking through grief with friends who lost mothers, a wife (my dear friend), a baby, and my own husband's grandmother who passed shortly after Easter. The grief continues to be a familiar feeling...and I feel carried throughout it all. I walked my second 5K race (well, 6K technically) and I felt physically better than I have in many years. I saw a dear friend get ordained and shared my dreams with friends on Facebook. My relatives from Japan visited for a bit, and I stripped and stained my deck all by myself with a color that I really like. I saw my youngest one begin kindergarten and my oldest begin her last year in primary school. I attended my 25th high school class reunion and found new confidence in who I am becoming. I began and finished several major projects at work where I had an integral role. I had new conversations about dessert plates, excitement, and potential. I even jumped on board with a new distraction that has been very energizing for me, and I've met several new friends who share similar interests and passion for life. My marriage has been getting stronger, and I respect my husband in new ways this year. I've never walked this road before...and I suspect I won't walk it the same way again.

I'm sure there are many memories that will continue to haunt me into the New Year...or some that will carry hope and energy into it; because I believe that who we have been shapes who we are and who we will become. I'm stepping into 2011 with eyes wide open, looking for possibilities...but trying not to overlook the people and simple things that bring peace and joy. May the New Year bring you alert to the fullness of life in all that you do, as I hope it also does for me.

Mercy for sinners

2010-12-13T23:28:00.000-06:00

Advent is a time of waiting - waiting for the Savior to come - a baby in a manger - a knight in shining armor to rescue me from myself. It's the dark places of my soul that wait for a bit of light - a candle flame - to spark the Truth within me. That seed of hope, love, peace and joy that will call me to a new life, a stronger more loving and deeper life with God.

My entire life I've tried to live up to others expectations of me. Waiting for no one, I venture out on my own. I continue on ahead - putting things together without reading directions. I create new processes and procedures for how I think things should be done, and I don't stop to think that maybe someone else might have a good idea or that they might know better than I do. My teachers encouraged me and my parents challenged me to push myself to excel and pursue greatness within my gifts. When I strive to use my own accomplishments as fuel for continuing the pursuit of happiness, I often put blinders on and forget about people on the side-lines that I love, but don't even see.

How is this pattern I've created ever going to be reshaped and remolded into letting myself be more what I want of me, and what God wants of me. Maybe that's it right there - it's not about what I want. How do I learn to let go of the control issues that every human in America strives for?Or, is it just me? Why do I care what others (loved ones, family and friends) think about me? Why am I not completely satisfied with being the beloved daughter of a loving God? Why is that not enough for me? Is it that I'm not grateful? I don't live with peace in my heart - or is it that striving to do that is also a way for me to be the perfect deserving one? I rely so much on my "god-given gifts and talents" that I forget that God has given me these gifts for His glory, not mine.

Lord, forgive me!!! My pride is what gets in the way. Pride is thinking too much or too little of oneself - of believing an extreme deservedness to good or evil. Pride is listed as one of the seven deadly sins. It is "the mother of all sins... the thin line between righteousness and self-righteousness." Medieval theologian, Thomas Aquinas said "inordinate self-love is the cause of every sin ... the root of pride is found to consist in man not being, in some way, subject to God and His rule." Pride is excessive belief in one's own abilities, that interferes with the individual's recognition of the grace of God. It has been called the sin from which all others arise. I feel as though I'm letting many of my own sins get in the way of my growth in God. I think I deserve this good life I've been given - the accomplishments I've made in work, family, and projects. I take and gobble up with lust and gluttony all the good blessings I can possible handle...somehow because I think I deserve it. How wrong I am, and how full of pride. Perhaps I don't see the grace of God, but think I need to earn whatever it is that I'm getting. But, truth be told, it's not about what we deserve in this life - or the afterlife. I have sinned, and I come to the Creator for forgiveness. I must, too, seek forgiveness from others for the hurt I've caused them.

Although we don't put labels like gluttony, lust, envy, pride, anger, greed and sloth on everyday behaviors, I believe we sugar coat it and make it simply much softer than the harsh reality of the sin. Calling a sin a sin is saying the truth. It's the watered-down versions of sin, calling out mistakes or backsliding - is just wrong. Sin is crossing a line where one was drawn, or missing the mark - not living up to what God is calling out of us. I am a sinner, I have sinned. I confess that I have sinned against God and have looked to my own accomplishments for some kind of satisfaction. I can't believe I may have actually thought that doing what I want could possibly be following what God wants for my life. Options - yes, but the course of action I was taking was not in the waiting mode that God calls me to. I have taken matters into my own hands, and I am suffering and far away from Him because of it.

Like each of us, this sin permeates all that I do, live, breathe...and I don't know any other way to release it but to fall on my knees in front of the cross and beg for God's grace and mercy to love me and cover me like a waterfall. We each have our sins, but not sure what to call them. We don't deserve the blessings He gives to us. Our loving Father, Lord, and Creator, gives us blessings and gifts out of His intense love for us. It's not because we deserve anything. And, so the gift of Jesus at Christmas is a gift of mercy on His people. The Father sent His only Son to be born as human, to live among us and teach us His ways, and to die and raise from the dead for the sins of all of us. Jesus died and rose again to free me from my sins, but I continue to put them back on daily. I must release them and find ways to allow God to enter between our flesh and the sins we carry.

Advent is a time of waiting - waiting for the Savior to come - a baby in a manger - a knight in shining armor to rescue us from ourselves. It's the dark places of our souls that wait for a bit of light - a candle flame - to spark the Truth within us. That seed of hope, love, peace and joy that will call us to new life, a stronger more loving and deeper life with God.

Merry Christmas will come...and in that day or evening, I will wait for Him to enter this heart and bring peace and mercy to all of the earth. The Lord is near.

The bounce in my bungee

2010-11-17T02:50:00.000-06:00

For the past year I've been on a portion of my spiritual journey that I don't remember traveling before. About this time last year, I truely felt abandoned by God - sort of. I wasn't noticing a real sense of direction for my life like I had before. Nor did I experience confirmation of decisions I had made or thoughts I wondered about. These words simply spilled out and fell to the floor in a dead puddle of mush the instant I spoke or thought of them. No acoustics, just dead air. I described it then as driving in a fog. And when I finally was able to "pull over" and rest for a bit, I was able to gather thoughts about so much of what I thought I knew. I was so busy with doing life that I had forgotten how to rest. I had not even entertained slowing down as an option. I rested when I was physically tired, but my brain wouldn't turn off. This time last year was a time for me to go to a nothing place; a place of surrender to all that I thought I needed to be, do, handle and manage. It was scary, exhausting, and full of wonder about what God was doing in me.

When the end of the winter came around, and my darkness was seeming to settle in...suddenly, like a flash of lightening on a cloudless day, I experienced a flood of dreams about what my future might hold. Pictures and words of "What if?" began to fill my head. Something new had awakened the sleeping giant and joy filled my heart! Perhaps these dreams (while completely awake) came as creative juices and stirrings to grow - or noticing growth - and bring life to dead places. Maybe this was how I could notice new growth in a place that I thought was laid down for the season. Like tulip bulbs that waited all winter beneath the snow, little buds began to sprout.

I clearly remember so many things in my life that seemed to have been a path clearly laid out for me. I never interviewed for a job that I didn't get. I always moved towards jobs that I wanted, and was clearly qualified for. I always took the jobs I was offered, and then stayed there a relatively long time for each job. It's crazy to think I'm approaching the 8th anniversary of my current job. Even the decision to buy our home two years ago was clearly one of those "of course" kinds of experiences, when I just knew in my gut it was the right path for us to take. All of that has changed.

I sat quietly with a group of women last night, a spiritual direction group. I realized I continue to have way more questions than I could ever get answers for. And as I dig into wondering what God has in store for me in this time...I said out loud that I have grown comfortable with sitting in the questions. Perhaps I have...or I just feel that the growth that is happening within me, this saying no to old things and saying yes to new life-giving things is worth the wait. I mentioned that I feel as though God has been speaking to me so differently than ever before. I am experiencing options and choices that I don't remember having before. He shows me things and speaks through people around me in new ways. Ways that I find comically amusing at times, and sincerely deeply touching at other times. A few words here or there that point me in the same direction as others helps me to discern that the Holy Spirit is alive and well and living in me.

One gal in my group last night shared a picture from her head of bungee jumping. She said we may be very far away and near the ground below us or very close to the top and freely moving in the air, but always connected to our Creator. To her, the image of bungee jumping is terrifying. To me, that image is thrilling. It's something I've dreamed of doing for many years, but never have had the chance to actually do it. The risk of stepping out on faith, taking that step out into nothing and knowing in my head that God will protect me and provide all that I need in that moment. The "oh what the heck" feeling and flying out into weightlessness just for that few seconds while falling, that excites me and shakes me from my safe, responsible and somewhat boring middle-American life. This image was a golden nugget of truth to how my Creator has wired me, and how He knew specifically how it might speak to my soul.

Last night I processed some of my thoughts out loud with my facilitator after the group was over. And today, in a sweet twist of fate that caused a meeting to be rescheduled, an extra 30 minutes of my day was spent processing out loud with a close trusted friend about the same thoughts. These were divine moments indeed.

I realized that through this year of darkness, floods of dreams and options...that I could move towards making my own choices and options and still be in His will!
Really??!?
Is that really true?

Yes! I don't have to follow just one path in order to follow God's will for me. I have options, and I can choose the path laid out before me. It doesn't have to be just one way or another, and it could be both or either and God would still be pleased that I'm following Him and pursuing the deep questions and wonderings within me. But, how do I know this? I'll dig deeper and find confirmation where His word is solid.

My desire to be obedient, stay accountable, and responsible goes so far back to the beginning of me that I only know the "craziness" of dreaming in some specific instances. Those dreams and visions of what the future could hold felt cut down and stomped on when I pursued things that others, whom I respected, didn't agree with what I was doing. "Stop dreaming - it'll just cause you pain and disappointment." So what!? But, those words stuck to me like wet paste and twisted the dreams I had of pursuing the soul work within me.

Reality settled in and I completed college, got a job, got married, had kids, and here I am today. I still have so many questions, so many dreams. Instead of looking into the future, I began to look at the past, and just tried to stay present to what was happening to me in the current space and time.

In that dark place a year ago, I picked up a printed article by Renee Miller from a favorite website. The words are the same as they were before. I printed them out, so it's not like the words could have been changed. But somehow, reading it again this week, the words seemed fresh and new. A different meaning began to jump right off the page into my soul. I stopped and burst into tears, knowing that my Jesus, my God, has continued to touch the deep crevices within me - and not only carved out a big hollow place, but He has chosen to dwell inside of me in that place. To bring all of who I am into all of who He is. This is sacred space - holy ground.

My biggest revelation today came as I read these things...that it's not that God is speaking to me differently than before - as I once had thought. I mean, this didn't feel like a burning bush kind of experience. Perhaps I've had it all wrong. He's not speaking to me differently...I'm listening to Him differently! Basically, I realized that I had been transformed in that dark place. Stepping out on faith, taking a risk to lead in places I know I can lead - and knowing when to follow has been a key part of my journey this year. The ebb and flow of the living water inside me...the up and down of the bungee cord. I am renewed, healing, restoring that which was lost.

The journey is far from over, and my willingness to step out once again to feel the thrill of the ride will continue to form me into who I am becoming - sitting comfortably with lots more questions. I will continue to watch, listen and wait for my Lord to speak to those deep caverns within my soul.

All in moderation

2010-10-18T10:26:00.000-05:00

My dessert plate has been tasted, and savored. The past eight weeks starting something fun and new has brought me to wonder about who I am becoming, and just enough space to allow me to continue focus on my children, my deck project, and my marriage. I would love for the fun to continue, or to even grow...but I'm looking for some balance in my life. Ancient philosopher, Plato, said, "Moderation, which consists in an indifference about little things, and in a prudent and well-proportioned zeal about things of importance, can proceed from nothing but true knowledge, which has its foundation in self-acquaintance.” Boy, I'm looking for that - self-acquaintance. I'd love to get to know who I really am.

So, this blog post by Renee Miller is helping me to wonder if a complete diet of just sweet desserts is indeed what I'm looking for, or if I still need the variety in life to keep me able to fully experience and enjoy life. What things might be sprinkled into my life that are really desserts, and which are healthy options that I'm totally enjoying fully?
explorefaith.org - The Rice Krispie Treat Diet

Cautiously responding

2010-09-25T03:20:00.002-05:00

Recently, I find myself second guessing how others feel about me and how they perceive my intentions. Here's an example.

I have some friends who have said they really need an administrative assistant, and that's something I'm really good at. Now, I'm not ready to leave my full time job that is a really good fit for me right now. But...I am excited about being able to help others out with details that come easily to me. I have many gifted artists who tell me they would give anything to be more detailed, and I tend to surround myself with both people and task driven people. I am resourceful, I am detailed, and I care for my friends in a unique way.

I am currently trying to contract out my services - sort of on a consulting basis. So...I create a simple spreadsheet, or I establish a template job description for a friend's business, and I get to do what I do best. But, I'm afraid that by volunteering to help, or by assuming they don't already have something like this, that I'm jumping to conclusions, and they could be bothered by how forward I am coming across.

My husband tells me that it's not forward, it's just being helpful. He also says that if they are friends, it's okay to test the waters and see if what I have is indeed helpful to them. Who knows if this may lead to opportunities to expand and diversify my talents.

I do not like to assume that people like me, or that they want to spend time with me...especially if it's someone that is really busy - and they have a very full plate. I don't want to get in the way of how others need to work in their business, because it's their business after all. I do want to be helpful, but tend to be bashful and humbled by any attention I am given in regards to how I like to help. But, this carefulness seems to be getting in the way of real relationships that can be helpful to both my friends and myself. I think I need to check my baggage at the door, and step more boldly into these relationships. I just don't know what it will take to be more confident of not only my abilities, but of my character as well.

My spiritual director emailed me the other day. Said she was thinking of me as she read these words, and that God is already at work, even before we begin our monthly group sessions together. It read:
May you respond to the call of your gift and find the courage to follow its path!
So...I wonder, what gift? Or...should I say which gift? When will this path become clear?

At first response, I smiled and laughed...and then the words sunk in deep like it was speaking to something deeper in my soul. The tears began to stream down, and it felt like I was being directly spoken to by God.

If you know me recently, you also know that I've been in a strange place of discovery. I'm intrigued by the way I feel God has spoken to me in the past, and how I'm experiencing His voice very differently now. I wonder how it feels to really step into my giftings - and if this is how I am to answer the call. I don't even know that's what this is, but it feels like it is.

Learning to trust my own gut instinct, and the knowledge that is in my head...that is something new. Something I have been too careful about, and so in my caution, I think I have missed some opportunities.

Here's to stepping out boldly - taking some good risks - and stretching to actually grow in what I think I can do well in the future. Not just relying on what I've been able to do well in the past. Lord, I ask you to press into me what is real, true, and that which will grow me to do as you call.

twenty-seven months have passed

2010-09-20T02:35:00.000-05:00

trying to fill the space in my head where you used to sit. it's way early in the morning hours and i have yet to sleep. you must still be here with me, or i'd be resting and not thinking about you again.
my body is achy and tired, and my mind knows the best solution for those physical pains, but somehow the memory of twenty seven months ago when i last saw you lingers in my thoughts now.

trouble and difficulty will be manifested and twisted as i move through my day. sipping on hot caffeine and downing ibuprofen to remove the throbbing soreness in the temples of my brain. simple medical solutions to the grief and pain. it's not searing pain as it once was...but lingering and somehow strangely familiar.

when does the loss begin to feel less of a loss and more of a memory? i wonder often if your sails are open or closed as you move through eternity. i long for home, the place where you are. i long for that familiar gaze, scent, touch, voice to call out to the deep longing within me. you encouraged me. you comforted me. you made a difference to me. i can only hope to do the same with those around me as i continue to move through life on this planet without you as a traveling companion.

i think about your family, your friends, the many others who knew and loved you. the many others who didn't know you but know and care for your friends and family. how does this tragedy bring healing? you touched so many lives in similar ways. how do they experience your death? just as i do?

differently than i?

when will the grief stop being painful and cease my sleeplessness? when will i be able to fully release you into the care of our creator? when will i halt from writing down the thoughts of you that haunt my inner soul?
i love you, my sister in christ. i love you my friend. and love does not cease. even in grief.

my children, my spouse, and those dear to me now...they know my grief, they see it, they remember it affects me, and they are the ones to now comfort me and encourage me.
it doesn't make me forget, or feel less discomfort over the tragedy that pulled you from this world and into the next. but, it does remind me that life is about living and being alive. and since i'm still here, perhaps i am charged to do just that. and to help others do what they can with the lives they, too, have been given.

for those in pain and suffering places here on earth, what does it mean to them? is their hurt as deep? deeper? what must the heart of our god say to that? he must, too, be reaching towards something. i pray and hope that god listens and hears my prayers as lyrical pieces of music to his ears. that is all that i can reach for tonight. a bit of acoustic healing.

acousticjulia

2010-09-20T01:31:00.000-05:00

You can find me on twitter with the name acousticjulia. Because I'm a lover of music, and I desperately and peacefully try to hear God clearly...I felt this to be an appropriate moniker.

a·cous·tic (-kstk)

adj. also a·cous·ti·cal (-st-kl)

1. Of or relating to sound, the sense of hearing, or the science of sound.

a. Designed to carry sound or to aid in hearing.

b. Designed to absorb or control sound: acoustic tile.

3. Music

a. Of or being an instrument that does not produce or enhance sound electronically: an acoustic guitar; an acoustic bass.

b. Being a performance that features such instruments: opened the show with an acoustic set.

n. Music

An acoustic instrument.

Class reunion

2010-09-20T01:01:00.000-05:00

Sorry to be so cynical...just being real here. I took the time and actually got excited to see a few old friends at my 25th high school class reunion last night, and what would you know but we struggled to hear each other over the amazingly loud voices and music in the room with thick walls where every drop jumped right back at you. Out of a class of 506 students, 125 had said they'd be there. Then, add several who didn't show and several who showed up anyways...and we had quite a mix of classmates. Some who knew each other well, and others who had lost touch over the past several years. Again, others like me who haven't connected with anyone from the class for the entire 25 years. In fact, I barely remember most of these people. Funny how our paths crossed before, but we're strangers in a new time.

It was just what I expected, so-so food, 80's music, crazy photographer trying to get our group shot, and also a shot of each junior high and elementary school group possible. I found that piece to be a little weird, since I actually went to three different elementary schools, and not sure I remember many of the folks there. I had hoped to see a few more familiar faces, but some people looked so different that I barely recognized them.
A friend of mine since junior high didn't look like I remembered at all...but then when she said my name with that voice and inflection - it was definitely memorable - and it was like we were right back there again.

One weird thing that I felt while I was there was how several of my old classmates reminded me of people in my current life. I found Karin reminded me of Deb. Lisa reminded me of Robin. Jane reminded me of Jan. Theresa reminded me of Tracy. It was like being in some Twilight Zone episode.
The guys didn't remind me of anyone currently, and perhaps having my husband with me - who also graduated from the same school just a year ahead of me, was a solid point of grounding. It helped me to keep hold of reality, while I was moving through a strange surreal experience. All the old converging with memories of the new. Like I was going through some weird time machine - back and forth - and back again.

Several people told me how good I looked, and how I was easy to recognize since I looked the same as in high school. One friend mentioned that I looked "good" and I said it must be all the clean living. He said that must be why he looks like crap - all that not-so-clean living. His wife was there with him that night. I'm not quite sure what has come of them...but it was interesting to just stay so far on the surface with so many people and not be able to dive in deeper with people and tell them what I'm doing or what I care most about.

I felt a bit connected, and yet completely unconnected all at the same time. It was really weird. Right down to the pushy photographer that just wanted to sell his photos to each classmate. And, the live music wasn't bad...but just plain hard to hear in that very loud room. There were only a few that I felt really wanted to get to know more about me, and that I cared to get to know more about as well. I was somewhat self-centered that night - and I suppose that colors my experience as well.

Dear class of 1985...keep your leg warmers and Zubas - and give me some Prince, Eric Clapton & U2. I'll keep the handful of friends who actually care about building relationships now...and will choose not to see the rest for another five to ten to fifteen years if we live that long. Sorry to be so cynical...just being real here.

Hurt feelings

2010-07-11T09:13:00.001-05:00

My sister is visiting from Seattle this weekend, and she's staying with my brother and his family. I love my sister and brother very much, but we are not close. We don't talk very often, not even by phone or text. This past week we have had extended family in town to visit, and that has brought my sister to visit for the second time in 11 years. The previous time was just three years ago.

A week or two before my sister arrived, she called to say she had a full agenda of things to do, "because mom won't do anything to entertain [our family] so we have to...and I have some things that I want to do while I'm in town, and I don't care if anyone else wants to come with me or not, but these are the things I want to do." Okay...now the rest of this is my paraphrase...but this is how I heard the incredibly long monologue..."on Thursday I'll stop at the store on my way from the airport and get some groceries, and we can have a barbeque at mom's house with everyone. Then, on Friday I'm going to the Mall of America, and anyone can come with or not. Then on Friday night we should take mom out to someplace where there is live music that she would like so we can all be together, do you think there is anyplace like that with music that she will like and everyone can come - but they don't have to - and then Saturday [my brother] and I are going up to see Dad for the day and you guys can come with, I know Dad would like that. Then, Saturday night I thought we'd make homemade sushi, so can you find a place to get some fresh fish so we can do that? Then, Sunday I'm going home in the afternoon so we can visit a little then."

Wow...even just writing that winded me. I was speechless. I didn't know what to say. She just completely overwhelmed me with her agenda, and no concern for the plans that anyone else may have had - or the fact that I have little kids and some things are not family friendly - so I'd have to pay for a babysitter to watch my kids.

She is the middle child, I the oldest, and my brother the last. They say that birth order has a lot to do with personality, and I can see that in many cases, but I also believe that people can change and become and grow into the true person that they were originally meant to be. I believe that I have changed a lot in the past 25 years since I graduated from high school, and that my years in college, in the working world, and as a wife and mother has changed who I am and how I relate to people. I also believe that my faith in Christ has changed how I see the world and that I try to be much more gentle and kind to those around me. However...somehow I didn't feel so kind and gentle to her or my family last evening.

http://www.incourage.me/2010/07/say_what.html
This article is from a blog I follow that pretty much says what I've been feeling. I feel like I've stuck my foot in my mouth, but mostly because I've felt like the person I think I am now is not who my siblings think I am. Again, we aren't close. And, it's been rather difficult to get to know each other on a deeper one-on-one level mostly because of distance and busyness of our lives. My feelings were hurt by a perception that my sister voiced to me last night...assuming that I believed the same thing about myself. But, I don't see myself as any better, smarter, prettier, or "the favorite"..as she seems to think. I felt like all of those things were a bad thing by the way she made the comment. I was a scholar and good student in high school. That doesn't necessarily make me more intelligent than other siblings just because that's who she remembers me to be 25 years ago. In fact, I took it as an insult. That one perception is all that she sees, and doesn't care to know who I am today. Ouch...I hope I don't treat others that way. I also hope that she sees and can someday realize how each of us is gifted and talented in our own way, and that God has created each of us to be uniquely different.

Lord, be with me today, and teach me the words to say that will uplift and heal, not tear down and hurt.

Beautiful

2010-07-05T23:48:00.000-05:00

I lost a dear friend two weeks ago to a nasty disease that eats away at flesh, bones, blood, mind, and conscience. Today would have marked her 44th birthday. I am so saddened by the madness that is what remains now. But, I am also keenly aware of how she has affected me these past two growing seasons. You see, Michele was a gardener. It's one thing we had in common, besides a faith in God, loving friends who know how to share a salad, and a love for all things beautiful. She was my inspiration for veggie gardening, for working in the perennials, and for getting out and weeding as often as I could.

Michele worked on staff with us at church, and walked through a very painful time of grief with all of us as we mourned the tragic death of another friend and coworker almost two years ago. She worked as facilities personnel, the only gal on a huge team of men who take care of the building and grounds of our church. She cleaned bathrooms, planted perennials, and lead the team that decorated for Christmas, Easter, and other special holidays. Along with her life partner, her husband Terry, they made an amazing team. The intense love they have for each other will never die. He journeyed the short road of life with her as they brought three amazing kids into the world and ushered them into adulthood. They did so much of everything together, and walked through cancer surgery, treatments, and pain management as well. This past year has been very tough, and the pain management was just about all they could do. She was not ready for hospice, she was not ready for not being at church. I last saw her in person a couple weeks ago at church, and she looked tired, slightly hunched over from the cancer in the bones of her back and hips, and no longer had the beautiful brunette mane she carried so wistfully with the amazing genuine smile. She was beginning to feel the effects of the end, but we didn't know that then.

Her life on earth is over, but her life lives on in the memories of those who loved her, her children, her husband, her parents and siblings, and her friends. Michele's gift of hospitality, her gift for leaving beauty in her wake is a gift she leaves for all of us. Her quiet gentle spirit had just enough spunk in her to say the most out of character kinds of things...and to make others smile. I miss you, Michele.

Happy Freedom Day, America

2010-07-04T10:56:00.000-05:00

I love Independence Day, Freedom Day, America's birthday...July 4, 1776. What a great anniversary to celebrate annually with fireworks, barbecue and friends and family.
I also care deeply for the military families in America - the sacrifice they make in sending their family members across the globe in the name of Freedom. Thank you!

I hope you get to enjoy your freedom today, as I am doing right in the middle of my two week vacation from work. It's not been much of a vacation...in fact we're refinishing the deck on our American dream. But, feeling grateful that we get to own a home, live in this great country - despite it's crazy dysfunctional politics and systems, and publicly share my thoughts, feelings, and religious transformation on the internet anytime I want to.

Enjoy the day...and look for your moments in light in the fireworks tonight. I'll be there.

Metaphor for my life - my full plate.

2010-06-21T23:40:00.001-05:00

Does the dessert plate still look and taste good even if you're dinner plate is too full - and you're still chewing on the meal? I tell my kids they don't get to have dessert if they don't finish their main meal. I remember when I was a little kid my dad telling me that there were starving children in other countries and I should be grateful for the food on my plate. I am reminded of that fact every day - watching images from my friend's mission trip to Haiti as he sends them back to us via his iPhone.

I ran into a friend at church on Sunday and mentioned a little of what I'm hoping for this summer. She said - "Oh I get it...this is the dessert plate!" I loved that thought. What am I thinking? Picking up a dessert plate in the middle of a meal? But, the metaphor is getting bigger by the minute.

I'm totally engaged with my work right now - without much room for moving around in it. That's only the main course on my plate. I feel like I'm carrying the pack mule -instead of the other way around. Not quite sure why...but deadlines are fast approaching and my intense focus is required to stay into any one project of the 5 or 6 things I feel I'm carrying...that I'm unable to multitask as I often do. I'm used to dropping things here and there - but able to pick them back up again at any moment to complete and follow through. Lately, I am dropping things...and forgetting about picking them up, and that's not good. People around me have needed to remind me about unfinished projects. Ugh! I need help knowing which balls are rubber balls that will bounce, and which ones are glass and will break. I don't want to break glass balls, whatever...and yet, that's what I feel I may be doing. Not intentionally...but the fear of doing just that is causing nervousness and tension. I constantly think about what the future will hold - what does my schedule for tomorrow look like? What will I do on vacation next week? What will I feed the kids for breakfast? For dinner? etc. I hate living in the future - because I'm missing out on the present moment.

My family feels like a glass ball. It's the veggies on my plate. Something I enjoy, fresh and colorful, but also something that I have to do because it's good for me. Tonight, I got terribly angry at my 5-yr-old son. I turned on the outdoor hose to fill a watering can and as I went around to water the plants - my son grabbed the hose and sprayed his sister. I said "put it down." and he obediently obliged. I then proceeded to the front of the house to water the rest of the plants - and he picked up the hose once again and this time sprayed the house (windows I had just cleaned this weekend) and the porch where my work laptop was sitting plugged into an outdoor outlet. I got so angry - I went right up to him, grabbed the hose and sprayed him top to bottom with water. His clothes now soaking wet, we marched into the house - into the bathtub - kicking and screaming that he was cold. I got him into the tub with some firm words...and a dirty look from my husband. I was hoping the water would send a message. He obviously sent one to me! Play mom! Don't worry about things, mom! I'm a boy, and I just want to have a little fun! But, I was so wrapped up in the thought of the future house guests we're expecting this weekend, and how I need to redo the work of cleaning the windows - that it was just enough to send me reeling! I had no patience - I had to calm or freedom to enjoy the moment with him. I was a slave to my own fears, my adult brain - the one that plans in advance and must be in control.

Next are the staples on my plate - the potatoes, rice, bread...the fiber and whole grains that give essential nutrients and life for the long haul. This is part of my God-given gift of mercy, compassion, intercession and relationship. I have a friend lying in ICU tonight. I'm afraid we're losing her to the nasty cancer that had invaded her body several years ago and has returned in the past week. Also, one of my long-time prayer warriors died last week. Pat was a dear woman, who asked for a staff directory so she could pray and meditate on the names of those who lead her church. She was a sweet little white-haired gal who was baptized in the lake one summer at the age of 74. She had an amazing story of life and love...and although I didn't know her intimately, I will miss her. This weekend also marks the two year anniversary of the death of my friend, Julie; whose tragic death on the Temperance River was a story of bravery, and innocence. She was my lunch buddy, my dear friend who befriended everyone she met and made them feel like the most important person in the whole world. She was an amazing friend. I miss her terribly. My heart aches for these women tonight. I can hardly stand it. But, it's this burden I carry to the cross - to let Jesus hold these women in His arms...so I can simply intercede for the one who is still here, that her heart be comforted, and her body be healed - if even after this life. My heart feels like it's damaged. I need to be healed - as only Jesus can do.

So...anything extra I want to do this summer - like helping out a friend with his business - feels like a fun project...a dessert plate. Perhaps some minimal nutritional value - but definitely something for the soul! Something not on my current plate - something chocolaty and decadent. Hmmm...eat dessert first? Not terribly responsible or "right" but definitely a thought for what I want. But...what do I do with all the other stuff on my plate? Can I get through the stuff on my current plate in time to still eat dessert? What if I take less of the stuff on my main plate - would that help? What if I move some of it to another plate - or save some for another meal time? Should I still eat the dessert? What if I eat all of my main meal and then I'm just too full that the dessert doesn't even taste good anymore? Will I be able to save it for another treat time?

Lord, I am asking for your help as you guide me. I no longer feel your presence, but my mind and your word tells me you're still here. I will continue to seek you until I can see, hear or feel you near me. I find myself wrapped up in a future I have no control over and know nothing about. I speculate and plan, wonder and imagine, guess and maneuver - and need some real reminders to stay present to the stuff around me, the day to day life of being a wife, mother, worker, and friend. Help me to stay grounded in your word, your example of living in God's love, and to stay in the here and now. I need you, Jesus, please be near me.

Facelift

2010-06-16T23:03:00.001-05:00

My blog looks a little different tonight. The bright lights shining from behind...with what do I see before me?
My life.

Thanks to Blogger's new template designer...I'm trying a few different new looks. Not sure which one - or several I'll try on for size...but this is I'm landing on for right now. I'll bet it won't stay this way.

It's like trying on shoes. The right pair of shoes can really make a whole outfit - or completely ruin it.
Tell me what you think.

The deathless dream

2010-06-12T04:42:00.001-05:00

"we need a renaissance of wonder. we need to renew, in our hearts & in our souls, the deathless dream, the eternal poetry, the perennial sense that life is miracle & magic."
e. merrill root

This quote was borrowed from www.juliesteiskal.com. My friend, Julie, died two years ago on the evening of June 25, 2008. That day was a pivotal day in my life...a day I will never forget, nor do I want to return to. Although I do return to it often in my memories. That day felt like the start of a series of events that changed my life forever. I never would have imagined my life as it is now - back on that day. I never would have imagined the places that God has taken me, the things I would be doing, working with the people that I am working with, living in the house I live in, and enjoying gardening as much as I do. I'm still working at church, but in a different capacity, a different era, a different place spiritually. There are different people in place, different departments, different projects, different life stories.

If I look back on my life, I do realize that there have been other significant markers in my life that I never would have dreamed of before. My children, my life with my husband, my parents' health issues, my financial situation...all of these things have had places to mark beginnings and endings.

And, I know that my future is full of amazing wonderful things. I can feel it. I am recapturing that deathless dream. That something inside me that has been a seed planted long ago. A seed that is germinating now, after a long cold winter of life...and it's just now beginning to open and push the green possibilities up from beneath. Still so new. Still so tender and fragile. But, hopeful of a full life with a colorful bloom...in the summer of life.

This is a time in my life when the sacred past, sacred present and sacred future are all converging in one place. What is this place in my life? How did I get here, and where am I going? Wondering and waiting has never tasted so sweet or been so interesting to me - well, not for a very long time. I guess that's why I am awake for now. I am grateful.

Romans 8:24-27

2010-06-09T11:18:00.001-05:00

For in this hope we were saved. But hope that is seen is no hope at all. Who hopes for what he already has? But if we hope for what we do not yet have, we wait for it patiently.
In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groans that words cannot express. And he who searches our hearts knows the mind of the Spirit, because the Spirit intercedes for the saints in accordance with God's will. - NIV

I really want to write...

2010-06-08T23:53:00.000-05:00

but I can't. I'm exhausted, and the extrovert me did a lot of talking today...thus processing my thoughts. I really want to write about the birds, eggs, nests and other thoughts that screamed in my head today as I shared my last blog entry with a dear friend. She, too, was seeing herself in the nest - but in a different way. We seem to be travelling parralel paths. I just wish I knew what was at the end...but then again, let it be a surprise.

I'm not waiting by the phone, but a friend of mine said he'd call this week to talk about an opportunity for me. I'm pretty excited, partly because I'm a huge fan of his, but mostly because I'm feeling God calling me to something new. It's not quite the momma bird calling her fledgling out of the nest to come and get the food and learn how to fly...but almost a push from behind like a mother eagle does to her young. Then, as she swoops beneath them to carry them back up in the air, they drop again like a rock, and she's right there to swoop them up again to try again until they get the strength in their wings. Almost feels like bungee jumping. Wonder if I'm ready to take the leap - or how much more wing strengthening I'm going to need before I'm ready to leave the nest.

Okay...so I guess I did have something to say. Goodnight my friends. I'll be back again.

The birds nest

2010-06-07T15:21:00.002-05:00

As I pulled weeds and filled mulch in the front garden yesterday, I saw a broken egg about the size of my pinky finger, lying in the weeds. It either fell from the tree or some animal carried it there. Broken open, contents not completely devoured by the elements or a predator, it became fertilizer for my flowers…as I buried it under the dirt, and lay mulch on top of it. The symbol of the egg brought new imagination to me once again as I await what God has in store for me.

Some call it “limbo” or “transition” a threshold into another place…but I call it fog. Not a foggy mind, where things aren’t clear…but a safe covering of something, like a veil that has yet to be pulled back, like the inside of an egg. Not a cocoon, as I’m not sure I’ve spun this one on my own, but a place of rebirth, a place where unknown newness lays.

At the end of my season in my last spiritual direction group – I felt a need to choose a gift for each gal in my group. I found some small trinkets at a shop in town; things that spoke a little about each story that was shared during our 9 months together. I chose a small votive holder with tea light for each one, and the artwork on the outside was unique to their story – birds, swans on a lake, and an uplifting message about persistence. Also, I chose a special one that sent a message about listening for our facilitator.

As I chose these gifts for my companions, I chose something special for myself…

A small bird’s nest with three tiny green eggs sat quietly on a shelf of the store, and spoke new life into my troubled journey. These eggs are the same size as the one I saw on the ground. The symbol of new life, motherhood, home, comfort, rough places, unknown waiting, and hope filled my thoughts – and my heart filled with expectation. I brought the nest back to my office, and it sits on the shelf where I look upon my life. It’s out of the way, so as not to distract me from getting my daily work done. But today, for some reason, I brought it down right in front of my computer.

Something alive is stirring in me, and it’s like the soft shell of a bird’s egg that is just ready to start pecking it open from the inside out. These eggs sit quietly now…but when the time is right, the hope of new life is going to push its way into reality.

We never really die

2010-04-28T14:10:00.001-05:00

explorefaith.org - Open Your Eyes

Seeking some solace, refuge, quiet stillness and silence...I look for things to help me meditate on where God is and where He may want me to be also. I have linked to explorefaith.org before. This is another way for me to seek God, to be opened up to the possibility of a closer spiritual relationship with Jesus Christ, my savior, King, and friend.

Recent grief has been like a dark cloud over my head the past month. I am remembering, too, the death of my dear friend Julie as we approach the two-year anniversary in another two months. I don't think we ever really finish grieving...as I believe the work that God does in our soul that is all about healing and reconciling us to Himself, is a life long process. Only in the opening of our eyes, in our earthly death do we finally see Him fully, truly, and wholy Holy. He is all of that, but we don't get to see it until we die to this life on this planet.

Dallas Willard has some things to say about dying, and how we never really die. This poem by Richard Guy Miller speaks to that for me.

I also believe that grief is experienced and felt in a variety of ways in each of us very differently from one another. I believe it's not that you can't feel joy or relief from the pain - or that you must act sad when you are in grief. I believe that no matter what you are feeling - that you should feel it fully - and God will meet you there. It may be in a happy memory, in the busy-ness of life, in the sad realization that we are left behind, in the lost hope of a future with our loved one...or whatever, that we must continue to FEEL what is happening to us, in us, and around us. We must give ourselves the grace to be who we are when we are, not just when others think it's appropriate. Time does heal wounds, and feeling the sorry does get less at times, but at other times the flood of emotion and sadness creeps back into my life and I need to allow myself to feel it, and not to stuff it down and ignore it's impact on my mind, body and spirit. To me, this is my spirituality. I may never understand fully the impact of a death on my life. But, I must receive the gift and knowledge of it by allowing my body and emotions to notice where I am and perhaps wonder why I am.

Open my eyes, Lord, to the time and place that is You.

Half empty or half full

2010-04-09T02:03:00.000-05:00

The night feels very empty...aside from the cold air and loud breathing, dare I say snoring, coming from the other room. It's way past midnight and I'm up writing again. I don't know why but my mind is so full of thoughts at this time of the morning, and I haven't been to bed yet. All the lights are off aside from the one over the stovetop.
It's very cold in this room, at the kitchen table. It was about 55 degrees in the Twin Citites today, and it feels about like that now. I suppose I could get up and get a blanket, or put on a sweatshirt, but then I'd have to leave the dim light of the laptop to move...and quite frankly, my legs are very comfortable propped up on a chair. Naw...just a minute...I do need a blanket. Maybe even a warm cup of tea. I'll be right back after I put some water on the stove...

The heat from the blue flame felt good for a moment. I guess so much of my life, every decision I make seems to be like it's multifaceted...so many perspectives to look at it. I thought I could only see my life from my point of view, but it seems it's rather more complicated than that. I realize that my personality seems to understand or sense how others perceive me. It's a bit weird, and hard to describe. Perhaps someday I'll try.

I guess you'd say I've always been a glass-half-full kind of person. I try to look for the up side, the positive, the stuff to be grateful for, and the stuff that we have in common instead of where we're different. But, I guess we all have moments in our lives - some people more than others - when the glass really does look half empty. I'm having that kind of a season.

If you've read past posts here, you'll notice I've gone mad. Well, those around me really don't know that I'm mad...but it's true. Inside my head is another voice that I'm just not sure I'm able to quiet. That other voice is my strange self who keeps looking for God in things where it shouldn't be. It's just not the same way others think. And, I can write whatever I want to here, because all the gals who follow my other blog because it's cute and all about home and garden stuff would never tread over here to read about my deeper spiritual side - the madness that is who I am when I write.

Oh....another moment please...the water is hot now.
I wish I could take a photo of my mug with the hot water steaming from it, but it's very dark in here. I'm just not sure the image would make it in such low light. See, even an image needs light to be fully seen for what it truely is. You cannot perceive color in the dark because in low light, the rods take over in the back of your eyes when the cones can see color during the well lit times. Sorry...slipped into optometric assistant mode for one moment. Boy, that was something hidden away for several years!

Thus...this season I'm in...where I'm working very hard at listening and watching for God is again more brought to light - the positive in me. But, then how is it in God's strange other-world-type paradigm of oposite is it that I should wait in a cold dark room and experience silence and solitude...and I feel so totally alone in my thoughts? If you're a Kingdom person you know what I mean by paradigm of oposite. This world is not like the other.

I cannot just sit here. I cannot just wait patiently and practice being in that very moment. I must write. I must type and clickety clack with my nails on the keyboard. I must strain my wrists and neck and shoulders to type out this lengthy blah blah blah on such a tiny little laptop. It's NOT ergonomic at all! Why am I still awake at such an hour?

I know I have so much to prepare for in the next few days. I have a large project due next week at work, I'll be covering for a co-worker while she's on vacation in Mexico, my garden needs to be weeded, fertilized, and tended, and my husband's grandmother passed away this week so I should also be preparing photos for his cousins to put to foam poster boards in memory of this dear sweet woman who I miss terribly. Perhaps that's it. That's why I'm struggling with the sleep thing tonight. I don't have an excuse most nights, but I only need one tonight and it will work.

In my struggles with "not hearing God" these past months...I have been blessed by several women who are older than me. Some closer to my age and some much further along life's path. Grandma Swan was a genuine blessing to me the past 28 years that I knew her. She usually saw life as half-full, of course she birthed and raised ten children and had to see life that way to survive. I never got to ask her how she did it. But, she did remember the details about each of her children...secrets they thought she didn't know and praises she was sure to tell about them when they weren't looking. As a working mom, is my life much different? Her full time job was raising this brood...and she did a fine job at that. I just don't know if my life is all that different - but it is.

Here I go seeing the similarities again. Perhaps that's all that it is. The madness of positive attitude is the madness of loving others even when you don't want to. hmmmm...I've got myself thinking so hard I'm finally ready to begin nodding off in a more comfortable settting. Good morning to you if you are waking, and good night to you if you are like me in this moment. Until we meet again here.
Same bat time, same bat channel.

Catch a wave...on the web

2010-03-17T00:24:00.000-05:00

I had a dream a year ago - that I had a large plate of homegrown veggies - the plate was as big as a car. I felt a strong need to give it all away. I had been given so much, that I needed to share. Veggies are perishable, and they need to be eaten at peak freshness. I wanted everyone to enjoy the flavors and excitement that I had for my garden...I thought that's what it was about. I was giving it away, but I didn't know who was going to receive it.
Now, I'm wondering...what if the veggies were a metaphor for something else? But what else could it be?
What do I have, that grows fresh and ripe, and needs to be given away, to be shared and that others would benefit and be fed? I wonder about what my spiritual gifts are - hospitality, encouragement, faith...how can I put these together to help others? How to begin to dream of ways to reach out to others - in relationships not temporary.

I'm websurfing - and catching waves along these lines.
Stuff I'm thinking about...and searching for on Google and Bing.
If you choose to join me, let me know. If you see something interesting, or you notice something in the connections...let me know. Post a comment. I'd love to carry some with me on this journey.

Radical Hospitality
PBS - The Congregation
Opening a cafe/restaurant/bar
Live music in Maple Grove
Administrative gifts - how to support others well

The Virtue of Flexibility - Henri Nouwen

2010-03-16T10:06:00.001-05:00

Trees look strong compared with the wild reeds in the field. But when the storm comes the trees are uprooted, whereas the wild reeds, while moved back and forth by the wind, remain rooted and are standing up again when the storm has calmed down.

Flexibility is a great virtue. When we cling to our own positions and are not willing to let our hearts be moved back and forth a little by the ideas or actions of others, we may easily be broken. Being like wild reeds does not mean being wishy-washy. It means moving a little with the winds of the time while remaining solidly anchored in the ground. A humorless, intense, opinionated rigidity about current issues might cause these issues to break our spirits and make us bitter people. Let's be flexible while being deeply rooted.

By My Spirit...Billy McLaughlin

2010-03-06T17:12:00.002-06:00

Long time in the dark
Lost, now where to start?
Lonely shadows run
Life loses love when you don't feel the sun

Heavy world pressing down
Dark clouds all around
I pray to the Light
I pray to the One
I pray we would light up this world

Time to be coming out into the light
Time for the day, end of the night
Not by power, not by might, but by Spirit.

No one likes to see
Impossible roads ahead of me
No one likes to hear
A life broken down
A life full of fear

Time to be coming out into the light
Time for the day, end of the night
Not by power, not by might
But by Spirit
But, by my Spirit
But, by my Spirit..

So lift what you find hard to lift
And move what you find hard to move
And love those you find hard to love
Nothings impossible...
All things are possible...
Nothing's impossible...

Time to be coming out into the light
Time for the day, end of the night
Not by power, not by might
But by Spirit

Time to be coming out into the light
Time for the day, end of the night
Not by power, not by might
But by Spirit

But, by my spirit...
But, by my spirit...
But, by my spirit...

Online Lenten resources

2010-02-24T10:28:00.000-06:00

explorefaith.org -

When we are real...Lenten Calendar. Guidance on the road to the cross - as we live a life through the 40 days of lent, these guides, signposts along the way, help us to frame how we are to be in Christ, and to be real and feel fully all that is going on inside of us...as promptings from God.

Being intentional about my life during this season of Lent, finding ways to fast from something helps me focus on my Creator, and how He is creating a new life inside of me. Fasting from tv and noise is not easy for me, but I'm longing for the closeness of my spirit with Christ - for a patience to live within each moment as it comes, and not to push past it too quickly.

Sit in silence this week...reflection the next...and pay attention to surroundings on the next. I'm grateful for tools like this calendar to walk us through the season together.

Something's coming...

2010-02-22T16:39:00.000-06:00

It feels like the wind is changing. Imagine walking on the shore of a great wide expanse. The wind is shifting...it smells fresh, new, and a little salty on your face. Right now it's a light breeze...but is there a fierce wind behind it? What is that still small voice in the stillness saying? It's been still and stale for a long time now - several months. I've been hoping for a breath of fresh air. Is this it? What is shifting?

Walking on the shore - noticing the wind, the birds, the sunshine, the clouds, the trees swaying in the midst of whatever forces them to and fro. What is this place? I don't recognize it, but it feels familiar - like it's meant for me. Not comfortable, but worthwhile. Not passive, but peaceful. Cared for, but also care free.

Is the tide coming in, or is this a tsunami? What if my feet get wet? Then what? Am I willing to let the wave of whatever this is take me under? Am I willing to let it grab hold of me, and pull me down like an undercurrent and am I willing to die to whatever I was before, and learn to breath under water? When this wave comes into the shore - it brings much with it. Am I willing to get wet, or stay safe and dry? What if it's not a tsunami, but just another rising tide - that only comes waist deep? Is it enough to knock me off my feet? Am I willing to let it come over me, or do I need to jump into it? When it has completely overwhelmed me, what will it look like when it goes out to sea? Will I stand on the shore all wet, or will I be swept out with it and dance and swim with the creatures of another world?

I'm blowing the doors off the walls and the box that I've lived within. I've set up a definition of who I am, by trying to find out more about who I am. And, what if that's not who I am going to be forever? What if I am being called to something far greater than I could ever imagine?
It started with a wondering, about a vocation, about something different. Playing on what I really love, time with my husband, great music, great food, creating space for people to experience relationship and themselves. What does it take to open a restaurant? What would it look like if we took our children out of school and moved across the globe and began a mission in another country? What would it be if I took a new job with travel opportunities, and was able to take my family with me to another world?

I had a dream last summer about a huge plate of vegetables - and that my life was so very plentiful that I wanted to give it all away. What if those vegetables weren't vegetables at all? What if they were gifts from God? And...what if they weren't my gifts? What if I was helping others to give away their gifts to others? What would that look like?

I don't blog for you, dear reader. I blog for myself. For words as I process things outside my own head. I blog for reasons that I believe Jesus is bringing new life to me. I can still only see the steps right in front of me...but I see an amazing vista. And, I wonder - out loud most times. What would it look like from that other peak over there? What about from that shore to the left, from that tree to the right, from a small boat in the middle of the ocean? Can I see the forest from where I am? Looking at the trees right next to me, I don't know if I'm even looking at a forest, or just a grove of trees. Perhaps it's just a guideline - a boundary - for a new land way beyond my dreams. Boy, these are pretty trees. What do they do? How did they get here? Who lives here? Am I looking at too many details that I can't see the big picture?

My desire is to breath in and feel the shift in the wind. Then, to rest a while in the freshness of that breeze...and gather enough strength...and allow it to totally take my breath away.

Prayer for Patience

2010-02-22T11:06:00.000-06:00

Gracious God, it’s so hard to wait. To wait for new things to happen in my life. To wait for you to answer my prayers. To wait for the open doors that may lead me into a new way of being. During the time of waiting, it seems that all I can think of is having what it is I am waiting for. At times I feel weary of asking and waiting, and I wonder if you really hear my prayers at all, if you are ignoring me, or if you are simply refusing to give me my heart’s desire. A part of me knows that you want my best, and that your time is not my time, but Lord, it is still so hard to wait. Deepen my trust, O Lord, during the times when my heart longs for what can only come in the fullness of time. Give me a calm assurance that your will for me is grander than anything I could ever imagine. Still my mind and heart in your love so that I am mindful of the grace you are draping around me every single day, every single moment. I ask this for the sake of your love.

Copyright ©1999-2008 explorefaith.org

Links to a hidden world

2010-02-20T14:17:00.001-06:00

Creativity - writing, playing music, playing, art, dancing, thinking outside the box...
Physical activity - running, working out, swimming, gardening, shoveling snow, stripping wallpaper, painting a wall, mowing the lawn...
Spirituality - sense or sensitivity to religious values, and/or experience of life from a faith perspective.

My friend, John, has been blogging for 7 days in a row, and has set a goal of 28 days of creativity.
I love what he says about creativity being linked to spirituality. I find myself meditating during gardening, stripping wallpaper, and even shoveling snow. Enjoy the link to his site. Very interesting.

A Lenten Prayer by Henri Nouwen

2010-02-17T15:15:00.001-06:00

The Lenten season begins. It is a time to be with you, Lord, in a special way, a time to pray, to fast, and thus to follow you on your way to Jerusalem, to Golgotha, and to the final victory over death.

I am still so divided. I truly want to follow you, but I also want to follow my own desires and lend an ear to the voices that speak about prestige, success, pleasure, power, and influence. Help me to become deaf to these voices and more attentive to your voice, which calls me to choose the narrow road to life.

I know that Lent is going to be a very hard time for me. The choice for your way has to be made every moment of my life.
I have to choose thoughts that are your thoughts, words that are your words, and actions that are your actions. There are not times or places without choices. And I know how deeply I resist choosing you.

Please, Lord, be with me at every moment and in every place.
Give me the strength and the courage to live this season faithfully, so that, when Easter comes, I will be able to taste with joy the new life that you have prepared for me.

Amen.

It's all about timing...

2010-02-16T10:40:00.001-06:00

I hate waiting...but somehow I'm called to do it right now. I'm trying to live in the little bit of light that I have, and not ask for more to be revealed until the right time.
What is it about God's timing that is always perfect? When we wanted a baby, we waited 3 years for a pregnancy, and in that waiting I did much soul searching. But, God knew that I needed to wait. Then, when I wanted a second child, He knew that I would be better cared for in a different job - so that I could spend time with my baby - so that one waited several years as well. Now, my kids are 10 (almost 11) and 5. They are wonderful pieces of my life...and in the waiting I found that He was watching and waiting with me. Watching me to move and grow in ways that drew me closer to God.
Then, as we waited several years to buy our first house...when it was right, I just knew it in my gut. Somehow, God continued to provide the right pieces to fall into place when we had waited just long enough.
It was hard knowing when the waiting was over, though. And, when the heart begins to move and leap - is that the time to end the waiting?
Because right now my heart is leaping to some new things, and I wonder what is in this waiting time? Is there something I should be doing? preparing? for the end of the waiting? Is there going to be an end to the waiting?
All that I know is this...that I am called to wait. That this 'crisis" or whatever that I'm living in during my "mid-life" is strange and unfamiliar. But, because He, who has always been faithful to me, is present and waits beside me...then I, too, can be faithful to Him and wait for the right time to move forward.
Until then, thanks for journeying with me. Let me know you've stopped here by leaving a comment. Tell me how God has met you in your waiting for something.

Being open to the call

2010-02-15T15:53:00.001-06:00

God is calling me...but I'm not sure I'm hearing Him correctly. When I look at the circles of discernment - those repeated places from varying sources...I find myself wondering and scratching my head. It's still not clear.
I'm praying for clarity - for God to simply open or close the doors where He would wish that I go.
Then, once I hear Him clearly - I ask for humbleness to be obedient to His call - to follow wherever He may want me to go.
This is once again setting me face down in the sand. Instead of wondering...I'm going to simply be open to listening and following. And pray that He guides me to something very clear and without a doubt of where I should be, and what I should do.
Dear Lord, be with me. Help me rid me of myself - and be reminded that I completely 100% belong to you!

"Angel Doves" lyrics - Mindy Smith

2010-02-08T17:10:00.001-06:00

My soundtrack for today...Hillsong, Mindy Smith, and Natlie Merchant.

Angel Doves - by Mindy Smith

When you're bilndsided and decieved
And chained to the floor
When it's diffucult to see
Riding on the world

Keep on believing God is
Soaring above a world that is
Running out of love
Pouring hope out over us
His angel doves

When it's hard for you to breathe
Keep a clear mind
When it's hard for you to be
Just to be yourself sometimes

Keep on believing God is
Soaring above a world that is
Running out of love
Pouring hope out over us
His angel doves

Truly believing God is
Soaring above a world that is
Running out of love
Pouring hope out over us
His angel , His angel, His angel

His angel doves

I don't think I hate change...

2010-02-08T10:08:00.000-06:00

It's funny as I think about it. I have gone through a tremendous amount of change in my workplace over the past year. People have left - or been let go - departments consolidated and now we're overworked and understaffed. Our direction hasn't changed, but it feels like the path has. I say "I hate change." But, I'm not so sure about that.
I'm the first one to choose a different spot to sit at the table, different spot to park in daily, different place to sit in church on Sunday, different way to drive home. I recently changed my cubical at work, to get a new perspective - and additional workspace. All these empty cubes just sitting here, they might as well be used.
I change my hair, I change my clothes, I decide on a different food for each meal. I love the change of seasons -yes, even the first snowfall...but I'd love it to change back to summer right away. We even bought a new house last year - and I peeled wallpaper off walls in a bathroom downstairs last night. That is change.

Is it the change that I hate so much? Or, is it just not having control over the change, and not knowing why the change is necessary? I find myself very wrapped up in "change you can count on" and "change for the good." When I also know that change is necessary for growth.

I tell you the truth, unless a kernel of wheat falls to the ground and dies, it remains only a single seed. But if it dies, it produces many seeds. - John 12:24

So, how am I being changed? Am I willing to die to myself so I can live In Christ? The change is subtle - the change is intentional. The question remains...if it's not "change" in itself that I hate - what is it?

Enough Light for the Next Step, by Henri Nouwen

2010-01-08T13:58:00.000-06:00

This was in my inbox this moring...

"Often we want to be able to see into the future. We say, "How will next year be for me? Where will I be five or ten years from now?" There are no answers to these questions.

Mostly we have just enough light to see the next step: what we have to do in the coming hour or the following day. The art of living is to enjoy what we can see and not complain about what remains in the dark. When we are able to take the next step with the trust that we will have enough light for the step that follows, we can walk through life with joy and be surprised at how far we go. Let's rejoice in the little light we carry and not ask for the great beam that would take all shadows away."

I'm beginning to think that those who choose the daily meditation at Henri Nouwen.org are reading my thoughts - or more that the universe is speaking to me in circles again. "The art of living is to enjoy what we can see and not complain about what remains in the dark." Hmmmm...art of living, what does that mean to me? Is living my life an expression of art? Am I trying too hard to see what's intentionally left in the dark?
So many questions keep running in my head. Make it stop!

Living the Moment to the Fullest, by Henri Nouwen

2010-01-07T16:19:00.000-06:00

"Patience is a hard discipline. It is not just waiting until something happens over which we have no control: the arrival of the bus, the end of the rain, the return of a friend, the resolution of a conflict. Patience is not a waiting passivity until someone else does something. Patience asks us to live the moment to the fullest, to be completely present to the moment, to taste the here and now, to be where we are. When we are impatient we try to get away from where we are. We behave as if the real thing will happen tomorrow, later and somewhere else. Let's be patient and trust that the treasure we look for is hidden in the ground on which we stand." - Henri Nouwen

Truer words were never so hard to swallow.

"Resting when exhausted was never even a possibility. Resting when exhausted is now a possibility." - Sue Bender.

Lord, help me to live in the moment with You, and to rest and not push forward twice as hard.

Circles of Discernment

2010-01-06T16:06:00.007-06:00

As I have felt like I'm driving in fog - I also am reminded to live in the light. After all, that's the name of this blog. I've been looking for a lighted sign to signal me in a direction that currently is unknown to me. I am blinded by the lack of light in my path. But, how is that possible if Jesus is right beside me as the Light of the World? I changed the verse at the top of my blog this week. A little better reality of what I think this blog is.

God speaks to me in circles. I think I mentioned that in my last post. I listen in circles. As an extrovert, I process much outside of my head - out loud with others, by writing, whatever...and when I hear myself say something or am reminded about a different conversation that happened recently and notice a similar metaphor, similar tone, similar circumstance...I find myself completing the circle and considering that idea to be a word from God himself.
So, my last post was about driving in a fog, and that metaphor is going crazy for me the past couple of days.

In fact, just checking in with co-workers over lunch yesterday two different people, in different conversations, commented about driving in the poor weather conditions over the hoiday break. Like driving in blinding snowstorm, and having to pull over several times to rest, stretch, go to the bathroom, whatever. So, I'm listening! My layers of circles are coming around again. Do I need to pull over and stop for a while instead of continuing on in a fog, or snow or whatever? Then, I read an article that helps me put more words to my metaphor. http://www.explorefaith.org/lifeissues/finding_my_way/discernment/parting_the_clouds.php

And over and over again in my searching for a light - I am hearing again. I'm not as lost as I thought I was. I'm just in need of a rest, and totally in need of being a bit more patient with God, to help me with whatever He has for me.
Renee Miller also authored another article about new beginnings on explorefaith.org that is helping to put words to what I'm experiencing.

"In so many sacred stories where people are changing, there is a period of waiting—a space that spans the old and the new. A space that makes it possible to fully let go of the past in order to be single-mindedly ready for the future.

Consider the Israelites, for example, who wandered in a wasteland for forty years before beginning their new life in the Promised Land. Or Jesus, who spent 40 days in the wilderness before taking up his ministry. These periods of waiting can seem annoying or even onerous and difficult, but they are actually a gift that will help prepare us to move into a new beginning with fullness and joy."

That's it! It's terribly annoying! It's terribly uncomfortable. I thought I was going crazy!

A friend mentioned that now might be a good time for me to get a personal spiritual director. A spiritual coach per say. I will consider it, but not sure if these circles of discernement aren't helping me with some of that for now. The fact that I'm one who processes outside my head leads me to believe that God knew exactly what He was doing when He made me who I am. This road to self discovery, this road to the unknown is finding myself in circles.
Author, Sue Bender, says something intriguing to me about circles in her book: Stretching Lessons.
http://books.google.com/books?id=QaLLObnsX7MC&pg=PA93&lpg=PA93&dq=sue+bender,+circles&source=bl&ots=-N5IqxAr57&sig=BEjDNK8aFAbPv58yYhFxkPIgjxY&hl=en&ei=0xRFS8eHIou2M42w2fEB&sa=X&oi=book_result&ct=result&resnum=1&ved=0CAoQ6AEwAA#v=onepage&q=&f=false

Circles, huh? Buddhism, Japanese calligraphy and all that jazz. My heritage is Japanese. My life with Jesus is wonderful, and would he open up some new thoughts in this world so I can more fully understand the character of God? Perspective, patience, and willingness to be helpless. That's what I say, he brings us to our knees so we remember dependence upon Him is necessary for growth.

Oh God, how I love that you love me!

Driving in fog

2009-12-31T05:18:00.000-06:00

I can’t sleep – and that’s something new for me. For the past few months I find that my body just doesn’t go back to sleep as easily as it always has. So, around 3am I got out of bed, turned on a light in the living room and opened a book that my spiritual direction group facilitator loaned to me a few weeks ago at our last group session. This is a book that she found at a garage sale and has removed the outside illustrated cover so to reveal the simple white paper cover and taped binding with gold letters – “Everyday Sacred” by Sue Bender. As I read it, I find myself relating to her story, and tears are soaking my prayer shawl as I let in words that I know God wants me to hear/read. I am listening…as I do so often.

These are her words in the preface…and I think they describe a little about what’s going on with me.

“For as long as I can remember I have been listening to a harsh critical voice inside me, but I’ve lived with it so long that I never really noticed the influence it was having on my life. I not only listened, I believed what this harsh judge was saying.

The voice passes judgment on everything I do.

“You’re not measuring up!” the judge shouts.

I’m never sure what I am supposed to measure up to, only that I never will.

Nothing I do will ever be enough.

“Don’t complain,” the judge adds, “you have it easy.”

Judging myself harshly for having a harsh judge only makes matters worse. When I try to ignore it, the voice gets louder.

I could have read all the books in the world about showing “loving kindness towards oneself,” but I could do nothing to stop the voice of the judge.

I felt a hunger inside that I didn’t understand and couldn’t satisfy.”

She goes on to tell stories of bowls, begging bowls and monks, and how others around her have taught her by their stories. It's a sweet easy to read book, and I'm already half way through when I just had to write down some of the stuff God is speaking to me about in her story. She talks of clutter, endless paperwork and disorganization. She talks of tea, pots, and impossible lists of things to do. All things I struggle with myself.

I am finding some comfort in knowing that I'm not alone in my stuggles...and in some familiar words and repeated markers from unrelated conversations (unrelated other than I was a part of each of them) that seem to miraculously appear in this book and jump off the page at me!

This is how God has spoken to me in the past. I don't find things "coincidental" by any nature...I think there are patterns in our lives that come full circle and when those circles and patterns intertwine close together, that somehow I should pay attention and get something from what I'm hearing and noticing. There are words in this book that jump - like arrows shot by an expert marksman that fly through the air to hit my heart right on target. Even in just writing that, I feel a connection to another musician friend who titled one of his albums "The archery of guitar." These are the kinds of things that come full circle once again.

The words "self-correct" - are word that were spoken by me in relating to another's story in our spiritual direction group. My facilitator, Karen, took notes and later asked me what I meant by that. I mentioned that it's the first natural instinct to have to stop what I'm doing to prevent myself from hurting another - usually by words. I want to say something, and then I self-correct, so as not to say something that should probably not be said anyhow. I just wish it was in my first nature to rest and pause and not want to say that in the first place. I wish I could rest and trust in the other person enough - and perhaps in myself - to know that they can handle whatever situation they are going to get themselves into. It's kind of like reading through status updates on Facebook and feeling an intense desire to comment on every single post by my most popular friends, because I have so much wisdom and guidance to convey to them. HA! I've self-corrected often on Facebook, and I'll tell you, for me it's hard to resist the commenting, but I'm trying.

In the book, referring to a stiff neck working over a small computer in a coffee shop - Sue Bender describes talking about it with a friend.

"You did what most of us do when we're stressed," Mitzi said kindly.
"You self-correct in the wrong direction."

She was right. Even when my computer breaks down and registers overload--with warning signals and blinking lights--I never think to stop and relax for a while. I smile and say "Yes, a message from the Universe"--and push myself twice as hard.

Resting when exhausted was never on my list of possibilities.
Resting when exhausted is now on my list of possibilities.

Reading these words and hearing the familiar ones come full circle again created streams of tears and heavy sobbs at 4:30am. He is speaking, I am listening. I am speaking, and I feel heard. So, why do I still feel like I'm sitting in the dark with no idea where I'm going or am supposed to be? Is it enough to feel grateful for what I have, and sit in that place for a while? I'm always supposed to be doing something, planning something, looking out for the next thing, anticipating something...but right now I'm just anticipating knowing what that next thing might be. It looks so cloudy up ahead. I can't seem to see where I'm going.

Just to be content just being with Him is something I long for. I know Jesus is on this journey with me, and that He knows the way. I can feel him so close to me. But, I don't have much practice letting someone else drive, not even my Savior. Learning to trust in His radar for my road ahead and not what I see or don't see is what my stuggle is today. I pray for a lifting of the fog, or for a lighted sign ahead to at least give me a clue what road I'm on. I can't see through the fog, it's so thick. So, I'll just take it very slowly for now, until I'm ready to turn over the steering wheel to my copilot.

Music reaches into my soul...

2009-11-18T00:15:00.000-06:00

Music soothes the savage beast. It evokes emotion, makes you think, helps you stop thinking, brings out creative juices, helps you relax, or get jazzed up, and drives my kids to jump around the livingroom with air guitars and sunglasses shaking their heads up and down in reverent worship to Miley Sirus. Rythym, notes, beats, harmonies, tones, harmonics, melodies, instruments, vocals, booming percussion, gentle chimes, big strings, little strings, brass, woodwinds, wired or not...it's the world we live in, it's the world we hope to live in, it's art.
I'm so excited for a number of music things that are happening in the twin cities this week. First of all - we signed up for the U2 fanclub and will get a chance to purchase presale tickets for the Mpls concert that was just announced for a date next summer. This is a band with a HUGE following, some rockin rythms, and lyrics with a message of being something other than who they are in this life. Okay, not your typical review...but if you're a fan, you just get it.
I've found my coworkers divided on just how important this concert is for them. Some of them say "I'm going to this concert no matter what it takes," and others wouldn't pay money to stand in a crowded staduim with several thousand screaming fans all singing the same tune. So...why am I so intrigued by this group? What is it about them that calls forth such a global following? Is it their publicity, their content, their outreach and desire to bring awareness of the poor and hungry in this world? Is it just about the music? Bono, the Edge, Larry & Adam have become icons as the Beatles and the Rolling Stones did in the Brittish invasion in the 1960's. Is it they are just "cool." Is it that simple? What makes someone cool?
Rolling Stone magazine has had them on the front cover several times in the past year - not just once. What kind of power does this group get, have, and who or what has granted them this status and strength in the rock-n-roll world? Why do people flock to them in droves and sell out giganto venues all in the name of music? I just love them. Not sure exactly why - but am really facinated by the whole thing of getting caught up in the buzz, the happening, the need to connect to others with similar facination.What's that about?

Second - my favorite radio station in the Twin Cities (Cities 97) is putting out their 21st Cities Sampler with limited live in-studio performances of equally amazing musicians (not as much fan fare) but just as deserving. They only release a limited number of CDs to protect the performers and copyrights - and ALL the money goes to local charities. We've been getting up early one Thursday every November for the past several years and getting in line at Target to get at least one copy, if not the full limit of 2. When I say we, I really mean my husband. I have to get the kids to daycare and school, so since he is more free of distractions that early in the morning, I usually request he get in line at the Target in downtown Mpls at least and hour before they open. The suburban stores sell out in a couple of hours, but the downtown store usually has less of a crowd right away. Last year's 2 CD 20th anniversary set is still one of my favorite compilations of rock that I can hang onto for a long time. I'm excited to plug that CD into my iTunes and wear it out.

Third, Billy McLaughlin - who has become a friend, if I can be so bold to say - is playing solo in Excelsior at one of our favorite venues on Friday night. A tiny little coffee shop by day, and wine bar by night - the 318 Cafe becomes an amazing acoustical room with good creative food (rustic pizzas and savory spring green salads) and amazing desserts (like the best carrot cake I've ever had in my life.) We actually went out there for the first time to specifically see Billy play. We've gone from old time Billy Mac fans to regular groupies at his shows in the Twin Cities, seeing him at least once a month for the past 2 years. Wow - even 3 times in Sept this year as he played at the MN State Fair and a free concert with his band at the Whitebear Lake Township celebration, as well as a formal concert at the Maplewood Community Center Performing Arts Theater - the same place he filmed his DVD Into the Light, the first major concert after his return to the stage.

We've been planning date nights around Billy's acoustic guitar concerts for the last couple of years since his return to performing live. His music never sounds just like the recordings - so a live version is always a treat. The vibration of the reverb in the room as he taps out a synchopated tune on any one of his left-handed strung guitars is a deep soul moving experience for me. It's also a treat when he has enough strength in his right handed playing to give us some older songs. He is gracious to his fans, and very kind to remember names of those who love his music and come to see him. He has many fans, not as many as U2, but many. And, he is humble, and lives from a grateful heart for the gift of his music he knows may be cut short at any time that his dystonia begins to affect his other hand.. As I said to him a while ago - we've been friends with his music since the mid 80's. It only makes sense that we become friends with him...if he lets us. Which, we were able to spend a little back stage time with him in Sept and check out his bus. Becoming friends with some of his friends is also fun, as they are amazing people and show extreme character and talent. Not a combination that comes around often in the music business.
Not many musicians actually respond to email, but on occasion, he'll check back with us. I'm crazy about this guy, and his amazing story of overcoming and pushing through physical distress to find a way to not only enjoy the passion he has for his music, but thrive in it - which is thouroughly who he was created to be. I can't wait to hear some new writing he's working on. I've posted here about Billy before, and I can't say enough good things about this everyday dad of 2 teen boys who travels the country promoting his music passion - and plans to tour to China and India in 2010. We'll miss him here for that time. So...we go again this week to see him perform, get to chat a bit, spend some time with old friends, and sip some wine.

As this rock-n-roll and acoustic guitar fan closes this post...take a moment to think about how music has affected your life. I'm reflecting back to lullabyes as a child, junior high guitar & piano lessons, high school and college choir, and singing in church. I sing to my kids as they drift off in the evening, and I sing loudly in the car to my favorites. I even get up in front of coworkers to shout out Nancy Sinatra songs on Karaoke night.
Lord God, if you are speaking to me in all of this...may I just say "Thank you." I'm really enjoying the gift of loving music that you have given me. I don't take it for granted...and that brings me closer to You. I want to listen more.

Knitted Prayer Shawl

2009-11-08T22:05:00.003-06:00

Today a dear friend of mine gave me a hand knitted prayer shawl. It was about a month ago that I mentioned to her that I didn't have one. I was giving one to a friend of mine on the occasion of her mother's memorial service. It's something we've been able to do as a church, simply because we have a lovely group of women who knit and crochet on the second Tuesday of every month in a prayerful setting and donate their handiwork to the church to give away as gifts of love to those who need or want a tangible reminder of God's warm embrace and unending love for them.

What a blessing several weeks ago as she brought in two different colors of blue yarn for me to choose from, and even last week as she asked what kind of edges I wanted on it. I left it up to her, as I really have simply felt honored that she would even do this for me. To pray for me and put her amazing handiwork to this soft (and warm) shawl, that is wrapped around me as I type this now.

The color is a deep royal blue with shades of teal mixed in. I don't remember what color she said was on the package of yarn, but to me it's the color of the sky as I look up to see clouds that remind me of a photographer friend who died last year. Or, the color of the ocean - as I have always loved the way that water speaks to me. I was born in CA which I seem to think has something to do with my love for the ocean and all marine life. Like being imersed in deep water, this shawl takes me deep within my soul to remember the One who gives me life, and breath, and blessings and all things.

I'm blessed by my friend who made this shawl, for her heart to think so much of me and work so hard on something so dear. I am blessed by the way she worked through a tough time in her own family - with parental health issues and travels to be near them, only to come home to officiate a funeral. She stands in the gap of honor by choice. I'm reminded of our choices we make that make differences in the lives of others. What courage to be a person of character, of honor, of love. She did this out of her desire to bless me in a place to recognize who I am in the larger picture of God's Kingdom. Although I work at a church, she chose to give this to me outside of working hours, so I am reminded that it's not about my job...but about who I am.

Why is it so hard for me, sometimes, to remember that God is loving me in the midst of my own failings and my own high expectations of myself? My family doesn't seem to notice the things I do to help them function on a daily basis. I struggle with not hollering at my kids or my husband as they do something that irritates me or nags at my self-righteousness. I don't love them as well as I think I should. I don't love them half as well as I know I can. It's easier to love my friends who blog and leave Facebook status updates...so I can comment to them by electronic words. It's hard to love by washing clothes, cleaning toilets, and raking leaves. It's hard to love by playing catch with my 4 yr old, and reading out loud to my 10 year old. That takes too much energy.
I'm exhausted, emotionally, physically, mentally...and I find that I don't know how to really rest.

And so...once again I find myself grateful for a sweet blue prayer shawl. For tonight, I pray not only for strangers in some brotherhood of military personnel...but I pray for my own family. I pray for my children, and their hearts to know Jesus. I pray for my husband, to find meaning and notice God's amazing love for him, as well. And, I sit peacefully in prayer - in the arms of my Heavenly Father - as He reminds me that it's not about what I do, but about who I am in Him that is love.

Into the Waters

2009-05-01T10:28:00.004-05:00

This piece was originally published in our church bi-monthly newspaper, summer of 2008.

http://www.thedoor.org/resources/documents/julaug08_know_web.pdf

Responding to Jesus’ desire that we be baptized.
By Julia Schirmers

The air was crisp that sunny Minnesota morning in July, as I was on my way to Fish Lake to set up for our church baptism service. I paused to reflect, What a glorious way to give your heart and life to Jesus – through an outdoor baptism – surrounded by the glory of creation. We set up the pavilion for the worship service, raked the beach to remove debris, posted signs along the way, and set out rosters, programs, and certificates for the sponsors to sign. Then, we waited. As the worship team set up, the candidates and their families arrived, dressed in swimsuits and t-shirts with towels in hand, ready to enter into the symbolism of what they had already done in their hearts as they prepared for this day.

Upon each baptism event, I reflect back on my own baptism experience as a believer in Christ, and the times I have witnessed and sponsored others. The memories are vivid, and touch me as a way of life. Many who have heard my story have heard me say how much I love witnessing baptisms – the simplicity of the event, the depth of the heart and conviction of the believer, and the way that it proclaims God’s grace and love for us in such a tangible way. It is not only a standard Christian sacrament – a covenant with God – but also a way of living. A mentor of mine says “baptism is a point and a journey.” It’s a day in the life of a believer, but it is also a step toward an eternal life of following Jesus and letting go of our own agenda.

I wasn’t raised in a Christian home, but my parents allowed my brother, sister, and me to attend church with our neighborhood friends. My father was raised in the Roman Catholic tradition, but didn’t share any faith with us. My mother was raised in Japan, where eastern religion teachings left her disillusioned and uncertain of any god. My life was “normal” by societal standards, and I wasn’t really looking for God. I attended Sunday school a couple of times with a friend in second or third grade, and somehow, God found me. Through a gentle, elderly teacher, I experienced the love and acceptance of Jesus. She didn’t place judgment on the fact that my family didn’t own a Bible, or that I had never seen scripture before. But she asked if I could read, and she handed me a small slip of paper with a scripture verse on it. I don’t remember the verse, but I do remember how I felt that day…the day that Jesus captured my heart. I felt accepted, honored, and beloved.

I continued on my journey, somehow always knowing in my heart that Jesus was mine, and I was His. As we moved to the suburbs, I continued to be attracted to people who went to church. In junior high, I regularly attended a Lutheran church with our neighbors and entered into a youth group that offered more than just catechism and social time.

I felt a strong need to be baptized, to publicly declare my desire to follow
Jesus. Once I felt I could comprehend the complete forgiveness of sins, I urged the pastor to baptize me. The pastor and I met and talked about sin, and how baptism isn’t magic but carries with it the deep spiritual unknown that unifies us with Christ in his death, burial, and resurrection through the public profession of our faith. He also said that confirmation was about “confirming the baptism chosen for us by our parents. It’s your own chance to step forward publicly and declare Jesus as Savior.” My parents hadn’t chosen infant baptism for me. I wasn’t feeling good about stepping forward with my peers, just like I was “supposed to” do. I urged him once more to baptize me individually, because I was compelled by Christ’s command to be baptized, and to baptize others in His name. My parents and family attended my baptism in that suburban Lutheran church, and I became a new person in Christ.

Because I am human, I didn’t always follow in His ways. I found myself making poor choices as a teenager and young adult, and yet I still claimed to be a believer. I witnessed some close friends get married, and they chose to be baptized through immersion before their wedding. Their testimony of faith and desire to follow Jesus reminded me of my own baptism, and I rededicated my life to Christ.

But I must continually choose to live apart from my old ways, apart from the ways that cause sin and pain. One of Open Door’s core beliefs says about baptism: “We must choose daily to walk in the life and pattern of Christ rather than in our own strength and desires.”

When I was hired to work at Open Door, I had the privilege of covering administrative details for baptisms. Through circumstances only God could orchestrate, I was able to sponsor a candidate for baptism that Easter, to share my story as well as travel through the preparation process with another soul who longs to pursue the ways of Christ. That candidate and I have remained friends, although our lives carry us away from each other in day-to-day living.

In 2007, my eight-year-old daughter was at a place in her life where she felt a true desire to follow Christ, and she wanted to get baptized. I really wasn’t sure if she was ready, and I poked and prodded her for “the right answer” for several months, because I didn’t want her to make this decision lightly. Was there a right answer, or was it simply that she came to Him with an innocent heart, the faith of a child? Maybe she wanted to declare publicly that her life now belonged to Christ. After a conversation with Pastor Wendy, her dad and I asked her to choose a sponsor, someone who would teach her and help her grow in her faith. We suggested teachers,
friends from church, and family, but I was surprised and delighted when she chose me.

I walked alongside her during Holy Week 2007, and was honored to enter the water to renew my own declaration of faith as well as usher her into this symbol of death to life. She entered the water my daughter and also my sister in Christ. Her faith story is her own, and what a blessing it was for me and my story, to witness and be a part of this time in her life. We walk out our faith together as a family, and as individuals who are deeply and richly loved by Jesus.

A worshipful melody sends us out to the beach, and a circle of believers forms in the water. As each candidate comes forward to be baptized, the sun shines warm. The water is cool and refreshing, and cameras are clicking, trying to capture what will be a symbolic point in these believers’ lives…not only a memory for today, but a life to walk in for eternity.

The Dignity to Give and Receive

2009-04-07T10:11:00.002-05:00

Another note from one of my mentors, Henri Nouwen, is below.

I'm learning much about myself as I examine my own responses to those I come into contact with - or actually avoid - who are homeless, holding signs that say "Hungry & Homeless" and who don't have the material things I have. I'm moving towards them, and excited to get behind movies like "The Soloist" and websites like Takepart.com. I've always had a strong internal response about handing out money to those with signs on the side of the road, and it's mostly been "if I give him money, he'll just use it on liquor or drugs or something else." But, with some tools, there are other things I can do - and not necessarily monitarily - to engage in, react positively to, and actually help give dignity to those who are on hard times.

The Dignity to Give and Receive - Henri Nouwen

"Nobody is so poor that he/she has nothing to give, and nobody is so rich that he/she has nothing to receive."
These words by Pope John-Paul II, offer a powerful direction for all who want to work for peace. No peace is thinkable as long as the world remains divided into two groups: those who give and those who receive. Real human dignity is found in giving as well as receiving. This is true not only for individuals but for nations, cultures, and religious communities as well.

A true vision of peace sees a continuous mutuality between giving and receiving. Let's never give anything without asking ourselves what we are receiving from those to whom we give, and let's never receive anything without asking what we have to give to those from whom we receive.

Sad news from MN Zoo

2009-04-04T15:37:00.002-05:00

http://www.mnzoo.org/animals/discovery_bay/dolphin_blog.asp

Baby dolphin calf had been eagerly awaited for 12 months. Sadly, she didn't make it. Momma dolphin seems to be doing okay for now. Attempts to breed this species in a zoo will continue, to help populations in the wild through education efforts.

Living Faithfully in an Ambiguous World

2009-03-27T14:03:00.001-05:00

A note from Henri Nouwen Society's Daily Meditations 3.27.09

Our hearts and minds desire clarity. We like to have a clear picture of a situation, a clear view of how things fit together, and clear insight into our own and the world's problems. But just as in nature colors and shapes mingle without clear-cut distinctions, human life doesn't offer the clarity we are looking for. The borders between love and hate, evil and good, beauty and ugliness, heroism and cowardice, care and neglect, guilt and blamelessness are mostly vague, ambiguous, and hard to discern.

It is not easy to live faithfully in a world full of ambiguities. We have to learn to make wise choices without needing to be entirely sure.

I love this song...Crazy

2009-03-11T11:34:00.004-05:00

Shawn Colvin recorded a Gnarls Barkley cover of Crazy in StudioC at Cities97 last year and put it on one of their year-end samplers that raise money for a variety of charities in the twin cities. Because she has been a favorite of mine for several years...I thought I'd share a favorite tune. The lyrics are a bit controversial...but I think it's really just about trying to be in control in a world where that's not really possible.
What do you think they mean?

Crazy
I remember when, I remember when I lost my mind

There was something so pleasant about that place.
Even your emotions had an echo
And so much space

And when you're out there
Without care,
Yeah, I was out of touch
But it wasn't because I didn't know enough
I just knew too much

Does that make me crazy?
Does that make me crazy?
Does that make me crazy?
Possibly

And those of you are having the time of your life
But think twice,
that's my only advice
Come on now,
who do you, who do you, who do you, who do you think you are,
Ha ha, ha bless mine soul
You really think you're in control

Well, I think you're crazy
I think you're crazy
I think you're crazy
Just like me

My heroes had the heart to lose their lives out on a limb
And all I remember is thinking,
I wanna be like them.
Ever since I was little,
ever since I was little it looked like fun
So it's no coincidence I've come
And I can die when I'm done

But Maybe I'm crazy
Maybe you're crazy
Maybe we're crazy
Probably

Home for the Holidays

2008-12-24T11:43:00.003-06:00

Many writers have said that love makes a house a home...and I have to agree.
On Monday, we're closing on our first home. The feeling of anticipation, panic that we're not packed, fear that the mortgage and utilities will be way more than we'll be comfortable with, and doing this all at Christmastime leaves my stomache a bit unsettled. We've come a long way...to get out of debt, to build a decent credit score, to figure out Christmas gifts in advance...which never really happened...and yet with all of the excitement of owning our own home - it's crazy to think that we're actually doing this in the midst of a global economic downturn where layoffs are prevalent and businesses are failing miserably.

I can only say, that by the grace of God, and the love of my husband and family - and they have really come through with help cleaning and moving our stuff - I am one of the richest people on the planet. My life is blessed, and the stirrings in my heart about what God may have in store for us with this house are signs of growth, both nearer and deeper in Jesus.

I pray that you find the deep and rich blessings that Christmas holds...and that you realize the love that you have for others is returned by the immense love that Our Father has for you.

Peace and Joy amidst the pain...

Moving On

2008-05-23T13:08:00.003-05:00

I've been hidden for a while. Not that I don't have some great stuff to write, but that I just am finding I'd rather spend my time with the wonderful husband and lovely children that God has given me. For my kids I fill my time and expend my energies on quality time. For my husband, I partner and travel along lifes journey with him. For me...I live my life as "normal" as can be expected in my (what may seem to some) boring life, finding out every day who I am becoming.

For those that want to find me...I've moved to facebook with my name: Julia Schirmers.
If you find me there, after looking here, drop me a note and let me know.

This is not to say that I won't be back here ever again. Just that I'm not intentionally going to post. Not that I did very regularly anyhow.

Peace!!

What do I really want for my birthday?

2008-02-14T23:44:00.001-06:00

Each year I ask my husband what he wants for his birthday, or Christmas, or whatever gift-giving holiday is coming up, and he usually has a long list of specific items. I think his love language is way more "gifts" than he thinks it is.
I often struggle with offering up anything for people to get me, mostly because I'm not one to dwell on the stuff I don't have, but to dwell on the blessings in life. Okay, I'm not bragging, but I see my humility is going to be put to the test here. It's not that I see myself as better than others because I don't wish for personal things, but that I really just don't think about these things very much.

My birthday is coming up here in another week, and I'm getting the same kinds of questions from my mother-in-law, my husband, my mom, etc.
These intangible things seem so difficult to tell them, but this is what I'm thinking.

I want time to write, to take pictures with a better camera, more time to write, time to sing out loud with my friends, to get a new computer for home - maybe a laptop, to walk on the beach with my daughter when it's warm, to build sandcastles with my son near the water, to kiss my husband long and hard without our children interrupting, to walk and hold hands with my husband along a quiet stretch of sandy beach without saying a word. I want to lose some weight and keep it off, and to be able to run again without being totally exhausted after one mile. I wish for deeper relationships with the friends I have, and to be more appreciative of those who want to build a friendship.

Everyone - okay almost everyone - at work is on facebook. I have yet to dive into that world, although I've heard it's much easier to post a daily note versus an entire blog post. Let me know your thoughts. Not many people follow my blog - mostly because I don't post very often. But if you're here - then thank you for reading my blog. I hope you'll comment to tell me you're here. I usually take this space to vow to be better about posting. That's not going to happen - no vows, not necessarily going to post more, either. But, I'll do what I can in this season of life.

Am I a foodie?

2008-02-13T23:05:00.003-06:00

What's a foodie, you ask? Well, it's a term I heard on TV a few months back. I've never considered it a negative word, but to many it means snobby food critic.

According to Wiki:
Foodie is an informal term for a particular class of aficionado of food and drink. The word was coined in 1984 by Paul Levy, Ann Barr, and Mat Sloan for their book The Official Foodie Handbook.

Check out : What is a foodie, anyway? on Slashfood.com.
She says anyone can be a foodie. But, I'm not sure I'm in the category yet - as mostly I just love to eat food, create food, research recipies, and see what other foodies have cooking. Although Nicole seems to think you just have to want to know things about food, and have a thirst for knowledge about food, then I guess that's what I am. After all, I don't have a friend that doesn't like to eat good food. Well, I have some friends who are picky eaters, but they know what they like.

I'm hoping a better knowledge of food - and nutrition - will help me stay away from nasty tasting dry baked goods that are terribly bad for my body, and will turn me towards healthy things I already love to eat - red peppers, herbed chicken, fresh fruit. Okay, is that convincing enough to my subconscious to stay away from birthday cake?

Hmmm...anyone getting hungry?

New music and lots of heart

2008-02-11T15:06:00.000-06:00

My husband and I were dating in college, and attended a concert on campus by Billy McLaughlin. He's an incredible guitarist and musician who uses a fingerstyle of guitar playing.

Billy has been a favorite of ours ever since that first concert, and we've followed his work for almost 20 years.

Several years ago, he disappeared from the Twin Cities music scene, and we wondered if he just simply decided to stay at home and raise a family with his wife, or if something else had gone wrong. The last time we saw a full concert by him was at the MN Zoo music in the summer series in 2001. As it turns out, he had an injury, and was thereafter diagnosed with focal dystonia - a crippling disease that caused him to lose the ability to play guitar with his right hand. Until last year when he appeared back on the scene, and I saw a story on Kare11, because Billy has now retaught himself to play guitar with his left hand.

An incredible journey of faith in God, and determination...Billy's music takes you to the places he writes about. If you get a chance, check him out. We got to see a little bit of his concert at tpt2 (public TV) studios in St. Paul as they celebrated their 50th anniversary. What a treat to watch Billy live, and take in the strolling melodies of guitar and strings.

But, the best time yet...we got an email invite to see Billy play at 318Cafe in Excelsior on Feb 1. Yes, it pays to get on email subscriptions.

What a treat! Billy's music sounds incredible, and in such an intimate atmosphere (only about 50 people were in the place that night) his music sings over the small crowd of friends. We got a chance to talk afterwards, and look forward to continuing to email and attend his future performances. If you get a chance, you've gotta check it out. Billy, thank you for your music, and for your incredible story. It's good to call your music "old friend."

Check out "The Return of Billy McLaughlin" on You Tube!

Auld Lang Syne - Remembering 2007

2007-12-19T10:33:00.000-06:00

I'm reflecting and examining my life and the life of my family over the past year. And, because I don't want to lose the Christmas spirit by rushing around and hurrying to get things done before Christmas...I was going to take the weeks after Christmas to write Happy New Year cards and celebrate how blessed we've been in 2007, as we look forward to 2008. Oh well...all good intentions are nothing until they're completed. So...no cards this season. But plenty of reflections.

Here are a few...

My son turned 2 in Jan 2007- and what fun it has been to watch him grow and develop into a toddler.

My daughter chose to be baptized in Christ at Easter time - shortly after her 8th birthday. She chose me as her sponsor, and what a priviledge that was.

We went to a Twins Game on Memorial weekend - as they honored American veterans and Military Service Personnel.

In June, my dear friend and boss, Lisa, got married and moved to Trinidad. At the end of May, I was promoted to Ministry Coordinator - taking her job, and supervising 4 administrative postions, including my old position.
My nephew (brother's son) graduated from high school in the spring, and my sister flew in from Seattle for the weekend. It was good to all be together, although it was a difficult weekend relationally. The disfunctionality of our family was so extremely hurtful and brought to light in many ways. I'm sad it didn't turn out better or change things between us, but it's what it is, and I'm okay with that for now. Auntie met my kids for the first time, and it was good for them to get to know her a little bit.

We went up to the Kettle River over July 4th weekend, and the big highlight, next to spending a little time with my dad, was going organic strawberry picking. My daughter had a blast, and my son couldn't stop from running through the sprinklers and munching on fresh berries.

In July - we went up to Sauk Center to celebrate Great-grandma's (my husband's grandma) 92nd birthday. The kids had a blast with all of the extended family and even got on the John Deere. My daughter spent the entire day in the lake, so not as many pictures of her this day.

In the summer, we went to the beach and the zoo often.

In July, we spent a day away from work to be with our kids, and enjoyed an annual pilgrimage to Minnehaha falls - riding the light rail from downtown Minneapolis and stopping at the Mall of America .

August 1st marked my husband's 42nd birthday. We planned a quiet evening out, that became a night we couldn't keep our eyes off of the TV news. This was the night that the 35W Bridge collapsed in Minneapolis. I remember how strange and surreal it all felt. We were glad to be together and remembered how blessed we've been.

The end of August brought me to an annual retreat with the staff at church, and then I ran my first ever 5K race. I placed way towards the end, and much further back than the rest of my friends, but felt good to do it, and to be motivated to do something. It won't be my last. I'm hoping to start running again in the spring, and hopefully I'll be able to keep it going longer this year. Who knows?

Fall brought us indoors more. The Children's Museum held a Curious George exhibit, and our son enjoyed it much.

Christmas time in our household - lots of toys, joys, girls and boys.

Should old acquaintance be forgot,and never brought to mind ?

Should old acquaintance be forgot,and auld lang syne ?
CHORUS:
For auld lang syne, my dear,
for auld lang syne,
we'll take a cup o’ kindness yet,
for auld lang syne.
And surely you’ll buy your pint cup !And surely I’ll buy mine !And we'll take a cup o’ kindness yet,for auld lang syne.
CHORUS
We two have run about the slopes,and picked the daisies fine ;But we’ve wandered many a weary foot,since auld lang syne.
CHORUS
We two have paddled in the stream,from morning sun till dine (dinner time) ;But seas between us broad have roared since auld lang syne.
CHORUS
And there’s a hand my trusty friend !And give us a hand o’ thine !And we’ll take a right good-will draught, for auld lang syne.
CHORUS

Does it matter in the life of a child?

2007-10-25T22:35:00.000-05:00

Tonight, we had parent teacher conferences with my daughter's third grade teacher. My daughter and I talk realistically about expectations of her studies, and we try to keep her focused each night when we get home and remind her to complete her homework before she plays with toys, or anything else she wants to do for the night. I don't remember having this much homework when I was this age. Really, I remember a lot of homework in jr high and high school, but not this much in elementary grades.

Well, one project her teacher had the class do was to write out their personal goals for the year. My daughter wrote me a letter, and folded it neatly in thirds, and put her name and address in the return address spot, and my name and address in the recipient spot, like a business envelope.

I asked if she wanted me to read it right away, or if I should wait. She said I could read it whenever I wanted to, so I waited...and it was a good thing I did. Once we got home and I was able to settle down on the couch for a moment, I neatly lifted the blue smiley face star sticker that sealed it, unfolded it, read it, and cried. Not just a tiny trickle of a tear...but gushing waterfalls and heaving sobs came rushing out of my face uncontrollably - so much so that my husband seemed very concerned and came over to read what I just opened. These are the times I'm once again grateful that God placed him in my life.

I suppose my reaction to the letter was just unleashing the stress of the past few months on the job, and at home...or perhaps grieving yet more transition and friends moving on from my workplace. I love working in ministry a lot, but I'm finding that I'm quite dissappointed in how often people move on - and how God's plan is to grow us, which requires much change. Yes, yes, we all know that a fully grown frog looks nothing like a tadpole, a fully grown oak tree looks nothing like the acorn, and a fully grown human looks nothing like the infant it once was. And yet, even as an adult, I realize just how much growing I'm still doing. It's frightening. I don't know how to react or how to continue to stretch and grow. No wonder they call them growing pains - because they really do hurt.

My mom has been stuggling the past two years with periodic episodes of hypoglycemia. As a diabetic for 15 years, she's had to be very careful about what she eats and how she takes her medicine, and yet being "careful" could bring her into a coma when her blood sugars are too low, and she cannot function as a human being. She exercises regularly, lives independently, and eats nutritiously. But yet, she continues to have episodes like this more and more often. The many times I've called her and she's responded incoherently, or slowly, or she simply cannot move or respond at all have been terribly frightening. And anyone who has lost a parent or has been close to an ill parent can understand what I mean. It just shouldn't be this way. The person I've looked up to my whole entire life should be independent and setting an example of how to grow old gracefully, not stuggling with staying alive.

Because I'm closest to her (both geographically, and because I'm the oldest daughter) she relys on me for help with things around the house, and she helps me out by watching the kids, helping with laundry, and even with financial assistance. We're very close. We've had to establish accountability routines with each other, and that has also brought us closer. She calls me each morning at 6:30am, and that way I know that she is awake and alert, and that her blood sugar is not too low. I also call her each afternoon on my way home from work, to see how her day was and to check to be sure she has eaten a meal recently or has had a snack. I'd do anything to keep what we have going, but anything can happen, and life has a way of changing things. There's only one constant and that is that things change. And so, for the past several weeks, her blood sugars have remained more stable, she's regaining an appetite for nutritious food, and is beginning to feel much better about her health. I haven't had to worry as much about her, because she is now better able to control her blood sugar, and is able to eat when she's hungry - and she actually is feeling hungry again.

And then, it's sometime's the simplest things that make me wonder if the life I'm living is worthwhile. God brings to me a little sweetness and a memory of what life and LOVE is supposed to taste, feel, look, smell, and sound like. Like the taste of dark chocolate covered fresh strawberries dipped in soft cream cheese, the feel of a warm down comforter wrapped around me as I'm drifting off to sleep, the look of my son's face as he smiles with wide eyes and deep dimples, the smell of my husband's skin as he comes home from work, or after he's been playing hard with our kids, and the sound of my daughter's voice as she reads a book outloud or says her prayers before bed, or the roar of a hometown crowd at the world series when Red Sox pitcher Curt Schilling strikes out a Colorado batter in the World Series. (Yes, the game is on in the background. Have you seen the movie "Fever Pitch?")

I'm encouraged when I get to see and hear that the people around me are affected by the way I choose to live, and the things I choose to do. Like insisting that homework be done before play, or that all things must take priority somewhere - and that really does include my family, and that mom needs to learn how to eat healthy snacks.

Although I get a lot of whines, wimpers and outright defiance from my daughter when we're working on something that's difficult for her...I often wonder if she cares, and does it matter? Although my mom insists that she's alright and has everything under control - even when I nag her about going to test her blood sugar level, I wonder if she cares, and does it matter? When my mom calls to say "I just needed to hear your voice" I second guess myself and wonder if it matters.
Here's the letter my daughter wrote...in her exact words - letter by letter, space by space. And, it was legible. Good job, honey-girl.

Dear mom,
Thank you for helping me with my spelling.
My goal for the y ear is to work on my hand writeing.
Love,
Layne
P.S. I love you.

5K results

2007-08-30T23:13:00.000-05:00

I found out you really shouldn't run a 5k race after you've walked the MN State fairgrounds from 8am to 8pm the day before. I also found out that all the hype and goal setting doesn't help much with motivation unless you have another goal to follow it up with.

Results: 5K in 51.6minutes.
Most of the other runners - my friends - ran it in 28 or 30 minutes.

I also found out that I've got some really great friends - especially the one that stuck through until I came in to the finish line, and re-ran the last .25mi with me and encouraged me to sprint to the end - which I never would have done without her. Thanks, Julie. Your encouragement and motivation through training, and during the run was a huge help to me, and it meant a lot.

I've stopped running - lots of excuses, but of course it only takes one.
And, I'm pushing myself to consider other exercise options. Running made me feel better about myself, as well as feel good physically. I may pick it up again sometime, but for now...I'm looking for indoor exercise, like lifting my fork to my mouth. Ha.

GO! Northside 5K FunRun

2007-08-17T15:10:00.000-05:00

I’m running/walking in my first ever 5K race. That’s 3.1 miles.
GO! Northside 5K FunRun

I began my training with a 25 minute run/walk in mid July - and with only one week to go, I’m not even close to getting up to 3 miles in my training. But, it is facinating to see how far I can push myself, and how I can push a little harder and farther each time I'm out running.

I guess I’d better push it harder this week, and see what my body will let me get away with.
I’ll let you know what I find out.

Irish Fair - this weekend!!

2007-08-09T16:43:00.000-05:00

http://www.irishfair.com/
See you there!! We're going to be there on Saturday this weekend...and take in some Irish Stew, Fish 'n' Chips, and good ol' Bailey's Irish Creme Cheesecake.

Cara Irish Pubs Main Stage
7:00 pm - Sheep Herding Demonstration - O'Reilly's Border Collies
7:30 pm - Gaelic Storm
9:00 pm - The Young Dubliners

Lots of fun, dancing, events for the kids...
Photos to follow.

Blackbird

2007-05-25T15:20:00.000-05:00

My uncle died in Okinawa 2 weeks ago. More than 800 people attended his funeral there.
I pray for peace for my family, and envision him meeting the Creator.

Just listening to a favorite Beatle's song...whistle along if you remember the tune.
Paul McCartney said this song's about civil rights. In England girls are called birds, so this is Paul singing to a blackgirl, saying don't give up the fight.

I imagine taking the brokenness of all that I am, and flying away to Jesus.
I think I want this played at my funeral.

Blackbird singing in the dead of night
Take these broken wings and learn to fly
All your life
You were only waiting for this moment to arise

Blackbird singing in the dead of night
Take these sunken eyes and learn to see
All your life
You were only waiting for this moment to be free.

Blackbird fly,
Blackbird fly
Into the light of the dark black night.

Blackbird fly,
Blackbird fly
Into the light of the dark black night.

Blackbird singing in the dead of night
Take these broken wings and learn to fly
All your life
You were only waiting for this moment to arise
You were only waiting for this moment to arise
You were only waiting for this moment to arise

It's personal: The beginning of the race conversation

2007-04-13T15:39:00.000-05:00

Something deep is beginning to stir in me again. These are feelings I haven't had in a long time. Not because they don't affect me daily, but because I've tried to ignore them. The pain is too tender and I struggle with why God has made us to think, act, live, breathe, eat, feel so different about how we all get along. Some of this may be due to the huge melting pot of a country that we live in; and some of it may just be the way He's wired me.

I began this post on March 28, but left it for awhile. Now, the news of Don Imus - and so many others - who are deeply unaware of how their thoughts on the world around them come out in verbal comments - and how they hurt others...makes me think deeper about my own "stuff" on race. The following is just one story, of which, I have many.

When I was a child, growing up in suburban Minneapolis area, I played with my blonde-haired blue eyed caucasian friends, and for the most part, we didn't even know that we were different. They say that hate is learned from others, and many times from our parents.
In fact, in Junior High, when a dark skinned friend of mine asked me to go to a movie with him...my mother was sure to remind me how difficult life would be if were ever to marry a black man. huh? She proceeded to tell me how life for any children of mixed races are very difficult.

pause...Well, really?? Wasn't I already a product of this? Didn't she think I understood what being a mixed race person was about in this society? She didn't think that Japanese and White have the same prejudices as Black and White/Japanese??? Come on...

So, as it turned out, I never did go to that movie with him, or date him on any level. In fact, that was most likely the end of our friendship.

Race is becoming a very emotional topic for me lately. Not sure what God is stirring in me. I just know that I need to start paying attention. So, if I get some time, my goal is to blog my thoughts & feelings here.

If you haven't experienced it yet, I'd really encourage you to check out the MN Science Museum's exhibit on Race. Interesting conversation...at least I think so. Mostly because for me...it's personal.

Listening to my favorites again

2007-04-13T15:23:00.000-05:00

Just Showed Up For My Own Life - by Sara Groves

Spending my time sleep walking
Moving my mouth but not saying a thing
Hoping the changes would take by working their way from the outside in

I was in love with an idea
Preoccupied with how a life should appear
Spending my time at the surface repairing the holes in the shiny veneer

There are so many ways to hide
There are so many ways not to feel
There are so many ways to deny what is real
And I just showed up for my own life
And I'm standing here taking it in and it sure looks bright

I'm going to live my life inspired
Look for the holy in the common place
Open the windows and feel all that's honest and real until I'm truly amazed

I'm going to feel all my emotions
I'm going to look you in the eyes
I'm going to listen and hear until it's finally clear and it changes our lives

There are so many ways to hide
There are so many ways not to feel
There are so many ways to deny what is real
And I just showed up for my own life
And I'm standing here taking it in and it sure looks bright

Oh the glory of God is man fully alive
Oh the glory of God is man fully alive

There are so many ways to hide
There are so many ways not to feel
There are so many ways to deny what is real
And I just showed up for my own life
And I'm standing here taking it in and it sure looks bright

(Lyrics taken from www.lyricsmania.com)

Kids and Snow

2007-02-28T15:41:00.000-06:00

Okay...I've just got to share these lovely faces with my friends.

My boy turned TWO in January, and this was one of his first times playing in that lovely wet white-stuff. His big sister dug out a huge hole in a snow bank, and they climbed right in.

Too fun.

Books for Soldiers

2007-01-29T14:23:00.000-06:00

If you have used books that are just sitting on your bookshelf
collecting dust...
If you thoroughly enjoyed reading a book and you tell everyone you see
about it...
If you inherited some books because a loved one has died or moved...
If you found an old box of books that you can't justify reading again...

One more resource I may have mentioned a long time ago...
www.booksforsoldiers.com

Worth Dying For

2007-01-26T11:47:00.000-06:00

“A man who won’t die for something is not fit to live.”

Martin Luther King, Jr.

Check out this opinion article on Military.com.

http://www.military.com/opinion/0,15202,123218,00.html

It's a good day today

2007-01-24T12:13:00.000-06:00

Today is my boy’s 2^nd birthday. Yes, we’re excited, and love how fun he is becoming, and how the words of a toddler just make us giggle.

Whenever we’re in the store, he identifies characters that he sees on any merchandise, no matter how small.

Bah-budge (Sponge Bob), Thomas (the tank engine), Q-Q (Blue’s Clues), and Bah-da-bidda (Bob the Builder) all show up in the bath aisle, or the towels and bedding aisles. I turn around to look at what he sees, and it amazes me how he can pick out a small picture of Thomas from such a long distance away. He’s constantly looking for things that are familiar to him.

Yesterday afternoon, as we picked up his sister at school, we peeked out of the car seat at the sky for a good 1-2 minutes looking at a very noisy jet airplane that was passing overhead. Everything seems to be amazing to him, and such a sweet gift for me to be able to watch him experience life like this.

And, I bought a new Bible last night. It’s not for me…it’s for a soldier in Iraq who gave his away to his interpreter who was interested and came to a Bible study with him this past Sunday. The email from him was so touching, to see how God is moving in his life, and in the life of others he’s coming in contact with. The army forbids any soldier from converting any Iraqis to their religion. However, these two talk about culture and religion in their interest in creating friends. Such a sweet story, I’ll have to share it later…but it touched my heart so deeply, that I’m sending him a care package this week.

If you think of it, pray for Matt & “Rock” his interpreter friend.

Yes, God is good, all the time.

Loving a Person

2007-01-12T16:28:00.000-06:00

Loving A Person by Sara Groves

Album: Add to the Beauty (2005)

Loving a person just the way they are, it's no small thing

It takes some time to see things through

Sometimes things change, sometimes we're waiting

We need grace either way

Hold on to me

I'll hold on to you

Let's find out the beauty of seeing things through

There's a lot of pain in reaching out and trying

It's a vulnerable place to be

Love and pride can't occupy the same spaces baby

Only one makes you free

Hold on to me

I'll hold on to you

Let's find out the beauty of seeing things through

If we go looking for offense

We're going to find it

If we go looking for real love

We're going to find it

Loving a person just the way they are, it's no small thing

It takes some time to see things through

Sometimes things change, sometimes we're waiting

We need grace either way

Military Ministry

2006-12-21T11:53:00.000-06:00

Another resource to think about as many of our military men and women are serving away from home this Christmas. Please pray for the soldiers, airmen, sailors and marines of the US military who are serving around the globe.

www.milmin.com

As a ministry of Campus Crusade for Christ, Military Ministry is helping send Rapid Deployment Kits (Each RDK includes a small camouflage New Testament with Psalms and Proverbs, an Our Daily Bread devotional guide, and a copy of Would You Like to Know God Personally? packaged in a waterproof bag designed to slip into a uniform pocket.)

God bring Peace and stillness to the planet.

Skyline

2006-12-20T13:36:00.000-06:00

Driving into work this morning, I had a beautiful view of the Minneapolis Skyline.

(This is not my picture...I can't photograph and drive at the same time.)

I was thinking about how the skyline of my life has changed, yet I'm still the same person. New York City's skyline changed dramatically on Sept 11, 2001...yet it's still the same city, sort of.

I've added marriage, children and career to my skyline. The smaller buildings don't get seen from a distance, but the large ones in my life are visible to anyone who takes a look. I'm still the same creature that God created me to be...but I'm not fully there yet. Still under construction, I suppose. That's good, I wouldn't want to think that I'm finished learning yet. So much of the world I just don't understand. My city seems to be sprawling as I grow older, adding friends and loved ones, and watching my children grow.

But, it's interesting to see how a change in the angle, the direction, how the same skyline at the same time of day can look completely different, from a different perspective. I suppose my life looks different to others who don't know me than to those that do. Do I look the same from any angle?

As we move towards the end of 2006, I'm reflecting on what this past year has brought, and how much road construction I see ahead for 2007. What will God bring this year? Will I have joy, sorrow, questions, answers, loneliness, prosperity, peace, love, patience, anger, hesitancy, resentment, humility?

Romans 8:17-25
17And we know we are going to get what's coming to us - an unbelievable inheritance! We go through exactly what Christ goes through. If we go through the hard times with him, then we're certainly going to go through the good times with him! 18 That's why I don't think there's any comparison between the present hard times and the coming good times. 19 The created world itself can hardly wait for what's coming next. 20 Everything in creation is being more or less held back. God reins it in 21 until both creation and all the creatures are ready and can be released at the same moment into the glorious times ahead. Meanwhile, the joyful anticipation deepens.

What do you bring me, oh Lord? What will the skyline look like from 2007?
I do anticipate good times ahead...but one never knows the path you have for us in this life, in this city. I'm thankful for the blessings You've delivered, and anticipating the things this life has yet to show me.

Bring it on! I'm ready.

Cat's Cradle and other games

2006-08-21T05:50:00.000-05:00

My daughter is intriqued by learning to play cat's cradle. So much so, that we've been searching for string/yarn all over the place. My guess is that other girls at her summer school program are playing it, and haven't taught her to play yet. Such a strange and sweet time for her to be totally interested in Barbies, riding her bike, riding her scooter, swimming, singing Disney song lyrics, and learning finger string figures. I don't remember the circumstances, but somehow I remember playing this game with my sister.

Since my daughter doesn't have a sister, her 'best friend' (for now) came to our apartment for their first sleep-over a couple of weeks ago. They both behaved very well, and aside from this friend leaving her swimsuit, a pair of shoes, a pair of shorts, and some hair ties...they played Barbies and watched a mermaid movie. It was some days after this sleep-over that she became interested in the string thing.

So, since I, too, struggled to remember how to play...we kept going around to the same loops again and again...I decided "Let's check the internet."
Here's what I found. So much fun...we may have to check out origami, too.

www.momsminivan.com
www.ifyoulovetoread.com
www.whimsical-workshop.mb.ca/index.html
www.darsie.net/string

What I did on my summer vacation...

2006-08-16T21:55:00.000-05:00

Do you remember writing about summer vacation on the first day of school? Reflecting back on riding our bikes, climbing trees, shopping at the mall, lots of swimming, time with family, local festivals and parades... just where did the time go?

One fond memory from teen years (forgive me, I don't remember which year, possibly early 1980's) is watching Saturday Night Live (NBC), as they opened a fall season of comedy. I may have dreamed this, but I could have sworn this really happened. My memory is fading fast, so this is how I remember it. If any of you are SNL 1975-1985 fans, clue me in. Anyhow...That episode the "not ready for prime time players" showed a little video clip (as a skit) of what they did on their summer vacation. That's the summer that Dan Akroyd & John Belushi filmed "The Blues Brothers." Still one of my favorite movies.
"We're on a mission from God."

Anyhow...this summer has been so absolutely crazy, I'm sure any of you checking this blog are amazed to see anything new here. I was one of those prodding commenters who commented on some inactive blogs just to see if they'd post something new. Eventually they did, and I don't think these "friends" of mine actually read my blog...so I can write this. Ha.
But, it took my blogging friend, Erin, to show me that I had been very neglectful of this site. Thanks for reminding me that I AM a blogger. After all, that's one way we came to know about each other...by following the blogs of a group of people at our church (also my place of work.)
I may not comment as often, since I haven't been blogging myself...but I'll be trying to catch up on the summer posts, and you may see the occasional comment from a long-ago post. I apologize for my tardiness in reading your stuff. But, know that I still take interest.

I digress...
Summer vacation...not really a vacation, but it's been a weird break from blogging. So many things are in my head, that would make really great blog posts, I just haven't put them into writing yet. Hopefully, many of them will stay with me, and the creative juices will begin to flow as the temp drops and the leaves turn golden brown. It's shopping time, looking for athletic shoes, new jeans, notebooks, crayons, and glue sticks. It's funny that the school list also asks for things like post-it notes and dry-erase markers. Where will it end? At least I don't have to provide her with a lap-top computer for entering the second grade. Although, that may be a possiblity as my baby boy enters kindergarten in the fall of 2010. Who knows. I never would have thought 5 yrs ago that the price of gas would be where it is today.

So...after being completely wrapped up in work, family, extended family, the cost of living, getting back to health, finding a new daycare, etc. I have to say it has been somewhat memorable. I'll clue you into some of it later. For now, I'll say "Goodnight" and get back to rocking my little ones to sleep. Summer isn't over yet. I'm going to get back to enjoying it.
If you see another post here anytime soon, I'm having trouble sleeping. Otherwise, see you in a few weeks.

Can you sleep when the wind blows?

2006-07-08T09:27:00.000-05:00

I don't know who wrote this, but it's one of those email stories that I got from my old college roommate. She's now living in Utah, and I'm still here in MN. Email can be a good way to keep in touch, or a way to send interesting stories...I thought I'd add it here, instead of pressing the inevitable "forward."

Enjoy...

Years ago, a farmer owned land along the Atlantic seacoast. He constantly advertised for hired hands. Most people were reluctant to work on farms along the Atlantic. They dreaded the awful storms that raged across the Atlantic, wreaking havoc on the buildings and crops. As the farmer interviewed applicants for the job, he received a steady stream of refusals. Finally, a short, thin man, well past middle age, approached the farmer. "Are you a good farm hand?" the farmer asked him."Well, I can sleep when the wind blows," answered the little man. Although puzzled by this answer, the farmer, desperate for help, hired him.

The little man worked well around the farm, busy from dawn to dusk, and the farmer felt satisfied with the man's work. Then one night the wind howled loudly in from offshore. Jumping out of bed, the farmer grabbed a lantern and rushed next door to the hired hand's sleeping quarters. He shook the little man and yelled, "Get up! A storm is coming! Tie things down before they blow away!"The little man rolled over in bed and said firmly, "No sir. I told you, I can sleep when the wind blows." Enraged by the response, the farmer was tempted to fire him on the spot. Instead, he hurried outside to prepare for the storm.

To his amazement, he discovered that all of the haystacks had been covered with tarpaulins. The cows were in the barn, the chickens were in the coops, and the doors were barred. The shutters were tightly secured. Everything was tied down. Nothing could blow away. The farmer then understood what his hired hand meant, so he returned to his bed to also sleep while the wind blew. When you're prepared, spiritually, mentally, and physically, you have nothing to fear. Can you sleep when the wind blows through your life?

The hired hand in the story was able to sleep because he had secured the farm against the storm. We secure ourselves against the storms of life by grounding ourselves in the Word of God. We don't need to understand, we just need to hold His hand to have peace in the middle of storms.

I hope you enjoy your day and you sleep well.

She did it

2006-06-29T23:31:00.000-05:00

After several refusals to remove the training wheels, she finally let me do it.
And...after she screamed and yelled at me up and down the street in front of Grandma's house in frustration and fear, she finally did it.
"Mom, you've got to help me! No, don't hang on...just help me. Let go! Let go! No!!!! Help me, I said!!!NO, don't hang on! I said help me!"

Finally she did it. My little girl learned to balance, hold her arms strong on the handle bars, and pedal her little legs out. Yes, she can finally ride a bike on her own, without it being a "four-wheeler."

I'm so proud of her.

Where have you been?

2006-06-29T23:28:00.000-05:00

Hmmm…
Mother’s Day
Father’s Day
3 funerals in 4 weeks (2 work related, one work related, but also personal)
Sick baby (cold, then ear infection)
Sick me (cold, then sinus infection)
Daughter’s baseball schedule
Mother’s health – not good, but now improving
Interviewing new daycare – current provider sold her house.

I haven’t even had lunch with Julie in a couple of weeks. Today was the first in a long time.

Sorry, new posts will be coming soon. Thanks for checking on me every so often. You blog friends are the best.

Chuckling Chihuahua

2006-05-15T22:33:00.000-05:00

"Mom, what's a Chihuahua?"

That's the question that comes from my 7-yr-old's lips from around the corner of her room.

"It's a dog, honey."

"A dog? A Chihuahua is a dog?"

"Yes, a Chihuahua is a dog. Why?"

"It's such a funny word......Chihuahua....Chihuahua....Chihuahua.....ha, ha, ha, ha, HA!
It's so funny...ha, ha, ha.
You know another funny word, mom?
"What honey?"

"Oklahoma!" "He, he, he, he, he, ha, ha, ha, ha......"

The last chuckles were from me. I just couldn't stop.
We went around saying "Chiuauah from Oklahoma" and laughing all afternoon."
Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.....

Are you laughing yet?
:)

Two months

2006-05-15T22:27:00.000-05:00

So...if there really is anyone still checking in...yes, I'm still here.

Let's see...so many blog posts have been in my head, and I just haven't gotten back to the computer to jot them down, so I may have a few coming full force in the near future...or not.
My daughter's baseball season is in high gear, with two games a week plus practices, and my husband is managing the team. They are both having a lot of fun, so we're busy cheering them on and manning the concession stand, or umpiring the other teams' games. So...if blog posts come or go, I'm still here.

Thanks for checking in and not giving up hope on me. I'm ready to re-engage in blogworld. Hope you're up for it.

What a bracket...

2006-03-16T10:47:00.000-06:00

I did it. I caved into the fun of picking the NCAA men's college basketball finals, and posted them on CBS sportsline.com. I signed up with WCCO's evening team, so we'll see how I fare against Mark Rosen, Paul Douglas, Amelia Santaniello, and Don Shelby. It should be interesting.

I used the same picks for the office pool. First year for picking teams in the bracket. I'll keep you posted how I'm doing. For a gal who knows very little about these teams...we'll see how I do.

First round picks...Duke, UNC-Wilmington, Texas A&M, LSU, Southern Illinois, Iowa, NC State, Texas, Memphis, Bucknell, Pittburgh, Kansas, San Diego State, Gonzaga, Marquette, UCLA, Connecticut, Kentucky, Utah State, Air Force, George Mason, Murray State, Seton Hall, Winthrop, Villanova, Wisconsin, Nevada, Boston College, UW- Milwaukee, South Alabama, Georgetown, Ohio State.

More to come...

Sadness in the news

2006-03-07T10:40:00.000-06:00

Such sad news these days with the passing of legendary Twins center-fielder Kirby Puckett and singer/actress Dana Reeve (wife of actor Christopher Reeve) yesterday. I am sad for their families, and I had even known Kirby's ex-wife, Tonya, from high school. She was a couple years older than I, but we performed in a 3-act play together in 1983. Kirby was such a role model for many, and his time here on earth was indeed full of life. Dana, too, will be missed as she joins her loving husband in paradise. I remember how sad I was after Christopher died, and how that family has definitely turned tragedy to triumph many times.

I work on the Care team at church, and part of my job is to handle funeral and memorial service planning with families, and coordinate details around the day. Now, the strange thing about working in the care department of a mega-church is that you would think we have funerals often. However, we have only had one small (40 person) memorial service in the past year. I returned back to work after maternity leave last year, and they had 3 funerals in the month of March last year. This year, we have heard of one attender who died this week, and another who slipped into a coma as she has been fighting lukemia for years. I'm certain we'd be able to handle anything that God brings, as He has a plan in all of this...but I find it interesting that He chooses the busiest season of Lent to bring us closer to touching the curtains of heaven like no other time in the year.

In talking about funerals with my mom, recently, she noted that she was going to add to her will that we not have a funeral. I was shocked! Mom, how can you think that? The funeral is never about the person who has died...it's all about the memories and mostly about the surviving family. It's about remembering the love and life that was lived. So you mean to tell me that you don't think any of my friends would want to be there for me if you die? So, don't you think your friends would want to be there for you if I died?
She paused, but really didn't get it. I think she was just really uncomfortable with the whole death thing, because she's not a believer in Christ, and because she's not had a lot of experience with death (neither have I.)
It really made me think deeper about what I know to be true about death, and eternal life in Heaven. It made me wonder how to explain that to her, and how my assurance of that is how I can live the way I do.

I'm sad to know that Rio, the MN Zoo's oldest dolphin just died today as well. For any of you that know me well, you know that I love dolphins, and have a zoo membership just to see the lovely Rio, DJ, Ayla, Semo, and Chinook. I was also heartbroken to hear that her baby, Harley, died just in January when he leaped out of the water and cracked his skull on the concrete slab.

Sadness, yes. But peace flows like a river.

Friendly e-mail banter

2006-03-06T02:29:00.000-06:00

From: julie
Sent: Wednesday, March 01, 2006 1:55 PM
Subject: serviceu.
thanks for putting the registration in the same reservation as the room for the baptism prep class.

Reply from lalimama:
I usually try to. It's easier for me.

Reply from Julie:
exactly. i just wanted to be on the positive side of things with it since so few actually do it like they’re supposed to. so thanks!

Lalimama:
Okay, then. You're welcome.
What is this? Everybody's being so nice to me today. Another co-worker from across the building just sent me a kudos, too. Not that I'm complaining, it just seems a bit unusual to hear the positive. I should pass it forward, I suppose. Great way to start Lent.

Julie:
well, you deserve it everyday. sorry we’ve failed you.

Lalimama:
Sounds like a new blog post...huh?

Julie:
for you or me?

Lalimama:
me, of course.

Julie:
well, i thought it could be an apology blog. you know, i’ve failed, i’ve failed. oh, woe is me, i’ve failed. you know, all about me ;)

Lalimama:
Oh, you are so funny.

Julie:
thanks. :=) (that’s my big toothed grin… it just looks like a crooked nose.)

Lalimama:

There's just something very wrong with this...

2006-03-01T00:25:00.000-06:00

As I was searching for some crucifix images for Lent, I came across the following ads...

"Is your mobile phone a testimony to the wondrousness of His grace? Well it should be. Let the world (or at least your train compartment) see Jesus, in all his flashing, multicoloured glory, with the crucifix phone cover."

The bobblehead Jesus banner ran across the top of this ad. C'mon I know you really want one...the bobblehead or the phone cover? Yea...me too...but I just couldn't bring myself to getting one, I was laughing way too hard. No, I'm not going to link it, you'll have to Google it yourself.

In response to the atheist

2006-02-28T23:34:00.000-06:00

"They" talk about this line of thinking in that atheist site...but it still makes you wonder, doesn't it? Heard this one on Christian radio, and I just had to remember the cross. Thank you, Nichole, for making your lyrics available on your website to members.

What If (Nichole Nordeman)
For a friend who thinks this Jesus stuff is nuts.

What if you’re right?
And he was just another nice guy
What if you’re right?
What if it’s true?
They say the cross will only make a fool of you
And what if it’s true?

What if he takes his place in history
With all the prophets and the kings
Who taught us love and came in peace
But then the story ends
What then?

But what if you’re wrong?
What if there’s more?
What if there’s hope you never dreamed of hoping for?
What if you jump?
And just close your eyes?
What if the arms that catch you, catch you by surprise?
What if He’s more than enough?
What if it’s love?

What if you dig
Way down deeper than your simple-minded friends
What if you dig?
What if you find
A thousand more unanswered questions down inside
That’s all you find?

What if you pick apart the logic
And begin to poke the holes
What if the crown of thorns is no more
Than folklore that must be told and retold?

You’ve been running as fast as you can
You’ve been looking for a place you can land for so long
But what if you’re wrong?
©2005 Birdwing Music / Birdboy Songs (ASCAP), admin. by EMI CMG Publishing

Sharing some U2

2006-02-23T22:33:00.000-06:00

Tonya posted this link over a week ago. I had to carry it over here for those that don't travel on my sidebar. If you're into Bono, the Edge and Eugene Peterson...check this out. Great interview.

Anticipation

2006-02-23T21:21:00.000-06:00

Because the week started off with President's Day and Tuesday was a staff planning day in my daughter's school district, she spent two days and nights with my mom. What a lovely gift to have a little peace in our home, but I missed her terribly.

On Tuesday after work, baby boy and I waited for my husband to bring big sister home from grandma's house. When she arrived, she buzzed the security intercom of the apartment to be let in, and my little 13 month old and I waited patiently at the door of our apartment in anticipation of her return. This little boy was so patient, and stood very quietly watching the door to the stairs very carefully for what seemed like 2-3 minutes...in great anticipation of someone coming up the stairs. I would say "Who's coming to see us? Who could it be?" He looked at me with such wonder, such curiosity.

It was when she arrived through that door, and he burst into disappointed tears that I realized he wasn't waiting so patiently for her...but he was in great hopes that Grandma was going to appear and bring his sister home. He wasn't so excited to see his sister, but was really looking forward to seeing the one who always makes him smile, gives him big enthusiastic hugs, and feeds him yummy treats. You see, so many times when Grandma has come to visit in the past, she would buzz the intercom, and we would wait for her at the door to come up those same steps. I would say "Who's coming to see us? Who could it be?"

Eventually he got over it, and the two of them played well that evening. Sometimes it's nice to be wanted.

I shared the story with my mom tonight on the phone, and she laughed and wished she could have been there to see his face at that moment. Oh, the never ending wonder of my children's thoughts. It's amazing that he understands so much at this age.

Old photos

2006-02-20T09:53:00.000-06:00

Gloria had a sweet post last week, and I just had to bring this one out. My brother found this picture in a box, and had scanned in some photos from childhood about two years ago. I thought I had lost most of my baby pictures, because Dad loved to get his photos printed into slides (as that was the way to go in the seventies.) So, we found a few, that are just too good to miss.

I'm the tall one. Yup, first born. Mom made all our clothes. Gotta love it.

New blog friend

2006-01-30T09:28:00.000-06:00

My dear friend Lisa has joined the many here at OD who are blogging. Welcome, friend.

Why do I believe?

2006-01-26T01:04:00.000-06:00

I found myself signing out of my blog this evening, and clicking on the Blogspot home page where it chooses a random blog...and voila...I found myself propelled into the world of an atheist.
So, here I am in the middle of the night, typing away at what I think may be the beginning of a bigger and deeper study of why I believe what I believe.

How can anyone simply either not believe in or believe that God (or any god for that matter) is non-existent? To me, it takes a whole lot more faith to believe that science and random electronic brain charges brought me to his blog in the first place, rather than the simple explanation that God is trying to tell me something...and I should pay attention. Now, I know it's not as simple as that, and there are many people out there who really don't care. This blog had me interested, but I haven't had time to read through all of what they have to say, and pull it apart for myself. My Christian world view seems to be diametrically opposed to their Secular Humanistic view of life on this planet, and I don't know enough about their viewpoint to comment intelligently, much less my own.

So, as I ponder why this man (and my extended family) is so resistant to the idea that God as Jesus is real, alive, and living within each of us...here's a little something to think about. Help me to see if I have guts enough to face the devil in his place here on earth.

Lord, give me the strength to go deeper with you, and to reach beyond Your Kingdom into the world of the unbelievers. I don't expect to argue philosophically with this person (I most likely won't even comment on his blog) but to take the website info and put it into perspective in my own life. Care to check it out? I'm curious about what you, my blogging friends have to say about it. The only way I can conquer this fear is to face it straight on...so onward I go. God help me. Philippians 4:13.

The smell of cake

2006-01-25T23:08:00.000-06:00

Baby boy turned one this week...and we scrubbed and tidied up the apartment for the relatives to come over on Sunday. I guess I should find him another nickname for blog posting instead of "baby boy". Maybe little man, or??? suggestions?

He's taking a few steps, but tends to drop to the ground after 2-3 and crawls the rest of the way, but at least he's trying. And my favorite words that come from him are "duckityduke, dahdah, gutigik, and nainainai (no real meanings for any of these that we can decipher...but the last one I'm pretty sure comes from lots of No-no's he hears on a daily basis.) He's been climbing up onto the couch, the coffee table, and even INTO his large toy-box in a corner of the living room. It was quite a reality check for my husband when he saw this little one do it. Then, he sat in the toy box for about 15 minutes and just played with the things around him, so content. (My boy, not my husband.) Amazing!

Grandma B., Grandma C., Papa, aunties, uncles, and cousins alike trotted into our place for a couple of hours just to enjoy the musings of this one-year-old and see what he's doing. We opened a couple of gifts, we ate some treats, and the birthday boy got a face full of chocolate cake for the first time ever. At first, he was much more interested in the yellow flame on the candle atop the cake, but as he reached to grab it, came away with four fingers full of frosting. So interesting...it didn't go right into the mouth...but he looked at it, squished it with both hands, and then finally set it against his lips...only to smile gleefully and look for more.

The progression of the photos is darling, from sweet smile, to "Oh my! You really like that cake, don't you?" It was after I got him all washed up, changed his shirt, and was holding him as we said goodbye to everyone who came, that I kissed his cheek, and YES!!! it was there...the sweet smell of chocolate on his skin. Most likely it got into the hair, and I must have missed a spot...but I'm convinced someone should market a chocolate scented baby lotion...because it was so delicious, I'll remember that one for a while. Makes all the labor and sleepless nights this past year completely worthwhile.

Happy First Birthday, sweet boy. I love you.

Snowy sledding fun

2006-01-17T09:58:00.000-06:00

The day was so perfect, and with sleds in tow, we trekked down the street to the neighborhood park...a low hill, and deep powder was all it took to see these darlings enjoying what being a kid is all about. But, a bit too much fresh air did-in the little one. He fell asleep on the walk home. Oh, to be able to enjoy the nature of life so much you pass out! Sounds like heaven to me.

Happy Birthday, Mom!

2006-01-16T13:48:00.000-06:00

Yesterday was my mom's birthday...and in recent years she has gotten smart about how we celebrate. For so many years, she hasn't wanted to celebrate in any way that cost a lot of money, or causes any of her three kids to go out of their way for her.

But, in the past couple of years, she has changed her mind. Each year, the two kids (my brother and myself) who are geographically closest to her, ask if we can take her out for dinner/lunch with the grandkids. We used to do this all as one large group. But, she's figured out that if we each take her out separately, she gets two meals and more social time out of the deal. Not bad.

Mom does so much for us. She makes a meal for me at least once per week...usually in the form of ..."Oh honey, I made some soup, and I was going to put it in the freezer, but as long as you're here, why don't you take it home."

She helps us out with laundry...because we live in an apartment, have a baby and my full-time working schedule...her help is immeasurable in this manner.

She picks up my daughter from school twice a week, and saves me lots of money in daycare when she watches her all day when there is no school...like MLK Jr. Day. Not to mention the wonderful one-on-one time those girls get with each other.

So, yesterday my husband and I took her out for some good sushi, and a stroll around the mall with our kids. Not the usual birthday lunch, but something we all really enjoyed. There were no arguments, no temper tantrums, no sour faces...and the kids behaved well, too. After a round at the mall, we stopped for ice cream and then went home. It was really very nice to just be together. It was such a treat for all of us to celebrate her with love, food, and togetherness.

I love my mom...but I know sometimes it's hard to break through the mother-daughter judgmental stuff. I'm glad we can talk about things, but know that I take her words for what I can...and then I have to do things my own way. I live my life, in a very different way than she would have it...but I'm happy, and my life is very different than hers.

After leaving her country, her family, her home for the man she loved...she came to the USA with different expectations than she lives with today. Now divorced for 18 years, a US citizen, and retired from being self-employed, she is a different woman today. Her mantra is "Only you can make yourself happy." While I admire her strength of character and positive attitude...I have to admit I would change it just a bit. Although you decide your attitude, and choose to be happy, through a rich life and relationship with a loving God, you can feel a deeper sense of purpose on the planet, and have a meaningful life.

I pray for you on your birthday, Mom. That your happy life be touched by the maker of your soul. Happy birthday.

Pajama Day

2005-12-29T10:11:00.000-06:00

Christmas break (winter break- for those in public school) is a fun time when my daughter and I get to play. I had 5 days off over Christmas weekend, and when we weren't with other family doing traditional family things, we did spend some time reading her new books, playing Clue Jr. and painting her nails. We're so blessed to have my mom (grandma) watch her a couple days so I can work this week, but today she was headed to her school-release-day programming. It's the only day this week that she'll be with her friends, and I recited a little poem to her as she awoke this morning.

"There was a little girl, who had a little curl, right in the middle of her forehead.

And when she was good she was very very good, and when she was bad...she was horrid."

What will my little curly head wake up to be this morning? With a smile and a hug, and a "Good morning, mama." I knew the answer.

She was all excited to see her friends and get dressed for Pajama Day. They are planning a simple day of movies, games and crafty activities today. So, she put on the new pajamas I bought her for Christmas, and we put her hair in pig-tails. They put 3 schools together for these release days, because there are few kids who need this programming this week. It's not at her regular school, and all the newness was just a bit much for her. She was so excited to go...until we got there.

Then, when the parking lot was bare, and the halls of the school were quiet, except for a few children in one room playing video games and building Legos....she clung to me. "Mom, where is everyone?" is what I felt she wanted to say. As I signed her in, I read through the roster of who was supposed to be there. Only two of her regular friends were scheduled to arrive...and hopefully they did later. But, mostly, she kept asking me..."Mom, are you sure it's pajama day?" I think she was worried she'd be the only one wearing pajamas and would be embarrassed. I assured her that if I had it wrong, we could go home and change clothes. I know she must have been very uneasy this morning...but when she saw another girl from her school wearing pajamas, I think that put her at ease.

No fuzzy slippers, no big soft bathrobe, and not even a favorite blanket accompanied her to school this day. But, she did bring two small stuffed toys...a dog and a cat. Some days I think she's such a big girl for 6 1/2, but then it's days like this when I remember how small she really is. I love you, Bug.

Just checking in before the New Year

2005-12-29T09:38:00.000-06:00

It's been a very busy holiday week, with baby's first Christmas and reading cards and letters from friends far and near. I just wanted to post a little "Happy New Year" something to stay current. You, my friends, are in my thoughts this season, as we say goodbye to old things, and hello to new. In so many ways, this new year is marked with lots of symbolism, and I look forward to seeing what God has in store for each of us. May you be surprised by the blessings our Lord brings to you this new year.

Happy 2006!

Balancing act

2005-12-15T01:16:00.000-06:00

December has come, and the snow is here as well. The snow should be rain, to hide the tears that just keep coming. Jan will be leaving soon, my friend, my boss, my pastor, my teacher, fellow mother, fellow woman, fellow believer and follower of Christ...and so much more. She has chosen a new path to follow, and I will miss her terribly. She's been around to celebrate the birth of both of my children, to guide me in our ministry of pre-married couples, to listen to my thoughts, to hire me to my current job, to grieve the goings of other work companions, to vision new ways of doing church, to encourage me to start a blog...

We hosted a beautiful communion celebration service for her and her husband last Saturday night, and I kept my emotions together rather well. Most likely because there was so many details to watch for, and so many wonderful volunteers to steer. Friends keep asking how I'm doing, and I say "I'm really good at stuffing my feelings." But, Sunday morning was another matter. I was so terribly angry at my husband for getting up late, because we were running very late for church. I hate being late...although that seems to be something I'm really struggling with a lot lately. I just got so frustrated and angry with him (because I had to blame somebody) that the dam broke...and the floodgates opened wide...first anger, then sadness, then exhaustion. I just couldn't stuff it any more. I must have been PMSing...but the emotions came with other good reasons. Hubby was so sweet to me, and he apologized (although it was my fault as well) and took the kids out of my room for a while so I could cool down. He did everything right (and that's not often.) I just have to say, Thank You, for finally understanding what stuff I've been carrying for so long now.

I wrote my Christmas letter tonight. We'll put it with the pictures of the kids by our little Christmas tree, and it may go out closer to New Year's. But, the thing I keep thinking about as I reflect upon the year in review...is balance. How I feel when I'm out of balance, how well things go when we are all in balance. It's been a year of checking the balance in my finances, checking the balance between work and home, checking the balance in my marriage, checking the balance in my health, my job, my relationship with my kids. Sometimes I feel like I'm on a teeter-totter...othertimes like a tightrope. Either way, it's been about balance.

Praying tonight for more balance, and less weirdness in my life. Will it settle down soon? Okay, I'm waiting...as long as I don't tip completely over. Fragile emotions...but again, bringing me ever so dependent on God. I know He is good, and He will take care of me. Jan put it in her blog on Monday...Do not Fear. I will wait some more.

Preparing for death

2005-11-29T01:39:00.000-06:00

Is it really possible to be prepared for death? I work at a church in the Care department, so when one of our attenders dies, the family calls me to make funeral arrangements. We just came off a time of Novembering, where we remember those who have died, and bring healing to issues of dying and grief. Novembering has morphed from a single day event, to a weekend full of workshops, to an entire month of workshops on weekends and Memory Trees in the Gathering Place where people can remember their loved ones by placing the names on leaves and putting them on the trees, as well as leaving pictures of their loved ones on the tables near the trees. I stop by and straighten up the tables every other day, and each time I stop there to straighten up, it feels like I'm walking into someone's living room...so quiet, so reflectful of their families, and so comforting. It makes me think about all the pictures of me and my siblings and our children in my mother's living room. Some of these rememberances come from sudden tragedy, like the 13 year old who died in a motorcycle accident with her uncle...and others from a long illness.

Although I haven't had any close deaths to me in the past, I find myself in a strange place of walking with those who have grief in their life. My mother's parents and family live in Japan, and so I don't have very close connection to them. My father's father died when I was very small, and my father's mother died when I was a pre-teen...but we had a difficult relationship as she was an alcoholic. Needless to say, we weren't close. I have grieved the loss of relationships through the years, but not really any losses to death.

I find myself searching websites with grief resources, to help in my work? or to help me?

So, with all this going on about me, I find myself daily asking what would happen to my children if I were to suddenly die, or be diagnosed with a terminal illness. I wonder what life would be like without my husband to support me and care for our family as he does. What if all the moans and groans are real, and the doctors find something in my husband that we are not prepared to deal with? I don't have a will, or any funeral plans, and neither does he...although Kim has reminded me of the need to do that, too. I have an organ donor stamp on my driver's license, and my family knows it, but really that's all that they know.

As we drive through icy roads in two cars, I wonder what would happen if suddenly one car no longer stays on the road...and all is lost. Could I handle the pain of losing one or both of my children? Is my faith strong enough to sing praises to Jesus even when my world gets turned upside down? Even Peter disowned Jesus in the final hours, when stress was high and he could not stand up for the Saviour that he loved. What would happen if something would happen to my husband? Could I survive with the kids, without his support and encouragement? How would the kids manage? Could I be the strong parent while still grieving my spouse? I think of Job, and wonder if I could have a faith like that.

I see it all the time. Grandparents burying the 2 year old child who fell out of a window...a spouse with two pre-teens who lost the love of her life to a sudden heart condition they never knew he had...a young father with two kids under three who mourns the loss of his soul mate who was killed in a car accident on her way to work one morning. Even one of my favorite TV shows "Extreme Makeover - Home Edition" provides a new home for deserving families...and last night's episode went to a woman who has been diagnosed with a rare carcinoma, and her police officer husband who attended a memorial of his partner's wife, who recently died of cancer. Death is everywhere I look, and I wonder what God is trying to tell me.

The actor Pat Morita died this week at 73 of "natural causes," and my mom was rather shaken since she's going to be 72 in January. She says, "I could go anytime." So, I reminded her that any of us could go anytime. "Mom, I could get hit by a bus tomorrow and that may be my end." "Oh, don't talk like that..." But, lately it's all I can think of. A friend from work has an advanced stage of breast cancer, and she's fighting very hard to win this battle. My husband's co-worker just had a lumpectomy done last week after months of chemotherapy, and soon will be going through radiation treatments. They are both so young...and so beautiful. Not that they are going to die from this terrible disease...but that any of us may die before them.

I don't fear death as much as I fear what I may leave behind. How my absence would change the lives of my husband, mother, children, and friends. I think about what a journey through cancer, aids, alzheimers, or any other terminal illness would be like for me...or my loved ones who would care for me. How would my life change if something were to happen to my mother, my husband...or God forbid my children? The mysteries of the unknown are strange things to ponder. There are no answers...just lots more questions.

Friends of mine have lost their parents at young ages, and I wonder how that has shaped them into who they are. What would have happened if their parents were still around? How would that change things? Sounds like an episode of the Twilight Zone, or a Ray Bradbury short story...change one thing in the past, and see how everything is twisted in the present/future.

I know that eternity is for all who believe, and I believe that we really don't know what happens in those final moments of death, especially to a God that can move and bend and be all of time.
But, it's what happens to the survivors that has me puzzled? Can I be more prepared than I am, although I don't know if I'm really motivated to do so? Am I prepared to experience the grief that has evaded me these 38 years? How will I begin to prepare a funeral/memorial service for my father, mother....husband...child...children? Oh, I can't even imagine what a mess I would be.
Death is a strange thing for the survivors. I have to admit, I'm scared.

So...why even go there? Why think about "what if?" Because, I think, it helps me to put perspective on the gifts I've been so generously been given. This life, so fragile, and yet it's all that I have. It brings me to be broken...so all I can cling to is my Heavenly Father, the creator, the King of Kings, the Ancient One, Holy of Holies. Dear God, thank you for bringing me to my knees and reminding me how precious these gifts are, and how completely unworthy I am to receive even one. I thank You every day for another precious day on earth. And pray that as you gift these days to me, that I would honor and glorify the name above all names, of your Son, Jesus. Help me dear Lord, to bring your Kingdom to those around me by following in your son's examples. If the "what if" becomes "why me" may the life that I have lived bring praises to You.

"Therefore keep watch, because you do not know on what day your Lord will come."
Matthew 24:42

Three more weeks, Mom.

2005-11-28T22:42:00.000-06:00

This morning we got up in the usual way, the little one crying because he heard our respective alarm clocks go off only 5 minutes apart after we hit the snooze once each. So, my husband goes to the other room to pick him up, bring him into bed with me, and then proceeds to the shower. I get to experience baby snuggles for about 10-15 minutes, then it's my turn to hit the shower, and hubby gets to snuggle with the sweet smelling boy. Meanwhile, I remember that my daughter wanted to wash the sticky maple syrup that she got the day before out of her hair this morning. Okay, so I go to wake her, and she rolls over and snores at me. I try again...with an offer of shower or 10 more minutes in bed...with no shower. She rises to the occasion, and I wash her hair. Since we were smart enough to set her clothes out the night before, she moves right onto getting dressed. As we move along in the morning, preparing a bottle, changing a diaper...she says with excitement...
"Three more weeks, Mom."
"Yes, honey-girl, three more weeks until Christmas."
"What? There's three more weeks until Christmas? We haven't even seen Santa yet!"
"Honey, if not Christmas, then what did you mean by three more weeks?"
"Three more weeks until my flu shot!"

See, we went to get flu shots for the kids on Wednesday, and because it was such an ordeal for her of not wanting one because she doesn't want it to hurt, then wanting one because her baby brother is getting one and she's a lot bigger than him, then not wanting one because...oh no, that stuff if really cold on my arm, and wait! I'm not ready!!!.Ouch!! (only a couple of tears were really shed)...she remembers all the details. Including the detail that the nurse reminded me to call the clinic in three weeks to see if they had any of the vaccine left, so she could get a booster (this is her first ever flu shot, so she needs a booster one month after the first...which is why we were at the clinic in the first place...for the baby's booster.) She's so excited about getting another shot mostly because I think she was just plain proud of herself (and rightly so)...I'm wondering what she'll do if I call the clinic and they tell me that they've run out, and she won't be able to get one. Will seeing Santa still be such a big deal?

She's growing up so fast. She's getting faster at number combinations, loves compound words - like Thanksgiving, and she's acing her spelling tests. Tonight she was even reading "Green Eggs and Ham" all by herself. (Okay, she asked for help on two words.) Really, looking for a picture of her to put here, was hard. Do I put something when she was so little? Something more recent? Either way...she'll only be 6 1/2 once. I love her so much. It hurts me to think how fast time is slipping away...but how proud I am of how honest, loving, creative and funny she really is. "Yes, honey-girl, three more weeks. Don't worry, I won't forget."

Baby gift for Talia

2005-11-18T09:38:00.000-06:00

Congratulations Gloria & Peter!! We've awaited Talia's arrival with you, and now she's finally entered the world as of yesterday morning at a glorious 9 lbs 5 oz, 21 inches. Welcome to the world, baby girl.

I wanted so much to give you a house with a garage for your new van...but a home is where the family is...not where they live...
wanted to out-do Julie's tugboat by giving you an airplane...but it make take a while before mommy will let you get your pilot's license...
So, being the baby of the family with two older siblings, I thought some body armour may come in handy on occasion...

May you be blessed beyond measure in a world that presents itself with ponderings, craziness, and delights all in the same day. Many blessings to the whole family.

Landon Snow and the Auctor's Riddle

2005-11-02T23:18:00.000-06:00

It was my 20th class reunion this year. Although I hadn't checked it in over a year, I had a couple of email messages on classmates.com that were waiting for me. One from the class reunion organizer, and another from someone whom I hadn't heard from since graduation, and yet remembered immediately as the sweet tall blonde boy with the deep voice. I guess it was his way of getting the word out about his new book...but I was intrigued. This friend from high-school actually graduated the year after me, and was part of the barber-shop quartet in The Music Man...where I played Marion the librarian. Randy was always a very nice boy in school...but I really didn't know him that well. But, now I know more.

Randy is currently a Navy chaplain in Jacksonville, FL - an ordained minister in the Lutheran church, and author of the new children's book. His book is the first of a series that rivals Harry Potter, the Chronicles of Narnia, and Alice in Wonderland. I know it's a series, because although this is his first book, the publisher lists his second title as unpublished. I'm guessing they've already commissioned him to finish it. Landon Snow and the Auctor's Riddle is aimed at 8-12 year-olds, and is apparently Christian in world view. A .pdf copy of chapter one is embedded in the text if you scroll over the words on the front page of the website.

I'm excited to see him at his book signing later this month...and hope to catch up with him about Kingdom things over a cup of coffee...if he has any time in his crazy publicity book-signing tour. He's all over the midwest this month...and he'll be back in Minnesota for Thanksgiving.
Basically, my decision to follow Christ faithfully came after college, although I claimed to know Christ in high school. We didn't talk much about church or Christ when we were in school together, but since we both work in the church, it's hard to ignore the presence of faith in our lives. I look forward to being open and transparent about my faith, yet intrigued to develop a long-distance relationship with him and his family. He and his wife have a two year old daughter, and I look forward to seeing if she, too, carries the blonde-hair and blue-eyes of her father. My husband only barely remembers Randy, and it will be interesting to hear the questions he may ask about his service in the Navy and why he's chosen the life he has.

If any of you are interested in reading the book, I'll have a personally signed copy in my possesion after Thanksgiving. Just ask.

Eight teeth each

2005-10-30T23:06:00.000-06:00

We've got dental issues in our household.

The 9-month-old has four on top and four on the bottom, with more distress...runny nose, severe crankiness, sleepless nights, minimal eating and drinking, and lots of whining. The doctor couldn't find anything wrong...so it must be more teeth on the way. He's just not a difficult kid...he's usually so happy...so it must be more teeth.

The 79-month-old is losing teeth all over her mouth...because that's pretty normal for a first-grader. Anyhow...this week she came home with a wiggle and a jiggle, but I told her to leave that tooth alone. Sure enough, after dinner, instead of being in front of the TV or a book, she's in front of the bathroom mirror and wouldn't go to bed until she pulled it out. So...she comes running out of the bathroom with a bloody white spec in her fingers and a grin on her face that could light up the whole room. I can't believe how excited she is to be losing her teeth. I remember how terrified I was as a child...and waited until they were hanging by a very thin thread before allowing it to fall out naturally - usually by means of a toothbrush, or while eating something like an apple.

The tooth fairy has left a dollar for each tooth and the actual tooth for her to treasure (Yeah, I know that's weird...but we forgot to take the first one, so we've got to stay consistent...and I'm half convinced that she thinks I'm the tooth fairy.) So...as each one is treasured, it gets put into a bag and marked with the date in which it fell out (or was pulled out) of her mouth. She got to number eight this week. So strange, and yet so sweet and innocent, that she gets so excited to count them and watch the stash grow.

What in the world are we going to do with all these teeth?
I think my mom or dad saved a lock of hair from my first haircut when I was one. What kind of parents are we to keep morbid, strange, and sometimes unexplained items that belong to our children? How long should I keep them, and should I start the same thing all over when my little son starts losing these teeth that he is so painfully acquiring? Yikes! Do teeth start to disintegrate after a while...how long of a while? Basically, they are hers, not mine...but should I be encouraging her to save these things? Help!!