So much life to be lived

 It has been many years since I stumbled across this blog and posted. I don't really know if it's worth it to keep my thoughts here or not. No one will read them. 

Well, not now anyhow. 

But, isn't that what the light is about? It's about taking a look at highlights, so I'll give you a few big ones.

My life is so different than when I last posted here. I was divorced in 2016, met a new guy and fell in love in 2017, struggled with figuring out my life in 2018, left my long-term job in 2019, started a physical part-time warehouse job in 2019, began another part-time job in 2020, survived a worldwide pandemic in our home and got vaccinated regularly in 2020 and 2021. I left the warehouse job and my other part-time job and stepped into a new full-time gig with a payments processing software company. I am still at that company and I actually really like my job for the most part. Post-pandemic I mostly get to work from home, but seeing my co-workers in the office space at least once a week is good for my extroverted psyche.

That guy I fell in love with in 2017 asked me to marry him in 2020 - and we're finally going to tie the knot next month - September 2023. Yay! 

I look back at the past five years and realize how much life has been lived. I made space for the important things and let go of the toxic and uncomfortable things. The transition has been amazing, and my spiritual life is just as fulfilling and beautiful. The deep dark parts of my soul are still there, and the joyful enlightened parts are as well. 

I'm not saying that my life is perfect, because it's not. But, it's really good. Really, REALLY, good.  I have learned to trust and step out in places I haven't before. And, to me, that's what life is about. Live the lives we've been entrusted with. Don't just let them pass us by. Grow, learn, step out on faith, try something, and take a risk. It doesn't have to be a big deal. But, take one step at a time. 

Have you ever had THAT kind of a day?

Have you ever had that kind of a day? You know. The kind that starts out with a good night's sleep and a soft alarm clock ring. The kind that awakes in the warmth of a soft blanket and the knowledge that there are loved ones in the house? The kind that seems like everything should be right as rain.

Then, you get moving to get up, start breakfast, get dressed...and although everything should feel normal, something doesn't feel right. Everything in the morning routine is the same as it is every weekday. Same is good, isn't it?

Isn't it??!?

Why was there a trembling in my hands and a fear beginning to creep into my subconscious? What am I afraid of? It's just another day at work, at school, at life. Why was I so focused to get the tasks of my morning done, but then got distracted by a story on Facebook that began to shake me to my core?  I express my feelings. I
This story was a wonderful story of hope, of giving back to the community, of empowerment for women who are homeless. Why didn't it make me feel good? Why did it touch me so deeply? What was that about? What am I not paying attention to in my life that touched a nerve in this story? It is giving these women some dignity, some integrity, some hope and a future.

Why did it begin to make me think about my own life and what I'm choosing in the busy-ness of parenting and in the new decisions I'm making. Probably because I've been thinking about my life a lot lately. I need to feel dignity, integrity, and some hope for my future. Some hope for my kids future.

I am wholly and deeply loved by an unwavering God. So are my kids. So are you.

I need to be reminded. We all need to be reminded.

Monkey in the Middle

I don't remember a time that I've been fond of being in the middle. I'm torn between two places, two ages, two ways of being. To quote One Republic's Counting Stars - "I'm old, but I'm not that old. I'm young, but I'm not that bold."
I'm between this earthly ground and the heavenly realm...not really knowing or resting in either place. Call it liminal, between, or threshold space. I'm not sure what this is.

I had an interesting conversation on Twitter with a gal I haven't met in person, but who I've had other conversations with. She's a baseball fan, like me, and we've shared some interesting topics. But, the other night she posted how she wanted to be a mom, but was sure that any kid she had would hate her. I tried to reassure her that any child hates their parents - mine do on a regular basis. But, they're doing ok. - mediocre - in the middle.

She went on to talk about the really difficult life she had growing up, and how her younger sister is..."troubled." In my definition, what I know of this girl is that she, herself, has been troubled as well. Especially in her tweets about detox, jail, probation, and drinking. She's had some opportunities. But, her difficult past, and the following therapy has defined her life.
I mentioned that those experiences, good or bad, have shaped who she is. She took it as she should have learned from what happened. That's not what I said.

I realize how different my life has been than hers - how fortunate I was to have had such a relatively innoculous childhood and close relationship with my mom. That my dad was part of our lives until I was a teenager - and then although absent emotionally to us, he was still in the household until we three kids left the house. I was a good student, didn't get into any legal trouble, kept my nose clean. Although emotionally bouncing from one friendship, relationship, community, to the next.

I then married my high school sweetheart, had two beautiful children, established a career that I love, and worked very hard to be "the good girl" and live "a good life."

For all that I have worked for, I'm not any further along; still in between places. Not quite there, but not able to live grounded here. In transition, on the cusp of a breakdown or a breakthrough. Once again bouncing between friendships, relationships, and communities. Midlife crisis, or monkey in the middle?

in Courage

I'm a twitter-er. That is, I love to be "on" Twitter, and watch my timeline fill with baseball news and the lives of fellow fans. I love to see how others fit in this world, and how the human condition responds to a variety of stimulus.

So, as I do many mornings, get up and check Twitter - I find this bit of grace for the day that speaks volumes to my soul.

Enjoy.

http://www.incourage.me/2013/02/when-flesh-fights-fierce-we-just-want-joy.html

Sorting It Out - by ExploreFaith.org

In the middle of this season of Lent, I'm finding it encouraging to read and walk through different devotionals and ways to Sort it Out.

"Rather than viewing Lent as a season of drab and dreary self-examination and sacrifice that waters down its spiritual potency, we might see it as a time offered to us each year simply to sort things out. It can be an intentional period of 40 days that can be used to realign the disorder in our life that keep us out of balance with our own soul and with the God who loves us boundlessly, unconditionally, and eternally. Using Lent to take an honest look at the disarray inside ourselves with an eye to discarding the debris leaves us renewed, with eagerness, enthusiasm, gratitude, and a readiness to offer ourselves to God and to the world. "

 I've taken this time to be intentional about my food intake, and for the past 22 days I've given up partaking in things containing sugar, white processed flour, white rice, and pototoes. It includes all sweet things like honey and agave. It's been a difficult journey for me, but one that I am glad I have taken on in hopes to slow down, pay attention, and listen to God in a deeper and intentional way.
May these tools for your Lenten journey bring you intentional relationship with the creator of your soul, as they have done for me.

Explorefaith.org - Sorting It Out