Is it really possible to be prepared for death? I work at a church in the Care department, so when one of our attenders dies, the family calls me to make funeral arrangements. We just came off a time of Novembering, where we remember those who have died, and bring healing to issues of dying and grief. Novembering has morphed from a single day event, to a weekend full of workshops, to an entire month of workshops on weekends and Memory Trees in the Gathering Place where people can remember their loved ones by placing the names on leaves and putting them on the trees, as well as leaving pictures of their loved ones on the tables near the trees. I stop by and straighten up the tables every other day, and each time I stop there to straighten up, it feels like I'm walking into someone's living room...so quiet, so reflectful of their families, and so comforting. It makes me think about all the pictures of me and my siblings and our children in my mother's living room. Some of these rememberances come from sudden tragedy, like the 13 year old who died in a motorcycle accident with her uncle...and others from a long illness.
Although I haven't had any close deaths to me in the past, I find myself in a strange place of walking with those who have grief in their life. My mother's parents and family live in Japan, and so I don't have very close connection to them. My father's father died when I was very small, and my father's mother died when I was a pre-teen...but we had a difficult relationship as she was an alcoholic. Needless to say, we weren't close. I have grieved the loss of relationships through the years, but not really any losses to death.
I find myself searching websites with grief resources, to help in my work? or to help me?
So, with all this going on about me, I find myself daily asking what would happen to my children if I were to suddenly die, or be diagnosed with a terminal illness. I wonder what life would be like without my husband to support me and care for our family as he does. What if all the moans and groans are real, and the doctors find something in my husband that we are not prepared to deal with? I don't have a will, or any funeral plans, and neither does he...although
Kim has reminded me of the need to do that, too. I have an organ donor stamp on my driver's license, and my family knows it, but really that's all that they know.
As we drive through icy roads in two cars, I wonder what would happen if suddenly one car no longer stays on the road...and all is lost. Could I handle the pain of losing one or both of my children? Is my faith strong enough to sing praises to Jesus even when my world gets turned upside down? Even Peter disowned Jesus in the final hours, when stress was high and he could not stand up for the Saviour that he loved. What would happen if something would happen to my husband? Could I survive with the kids, without his support and encouragement? How would the kids manage? Could I be the strong parent while still grieving my spouse? I think of Job, and wonder if I could have a faith like that.
I see it all the time. Grandparents burying the 2 year old child who fell out of a window...a spouse with two pre-teens who lost the love of her life to a sudden heart condition they never knew he had...a young father with two kids under three who mourns the loss of his soul mate who was killed in a car accident on her way to work one morning. Even one of my favorite TV shows "Extreme Makeover - Home Edition" provides a new home for deserving families...and last night's episode went to a woman who has been diagnosed with a rare carcinoma, and her police officer husband who attended a memorial of his partner's wife, who recently died of cancer. Death is everywhere I look, and I wonder what God is trying to tell me.
The actor Pat Morita died this week at 73 of "natural causes," and my mom was rather shaken since she's going to be 72 in January. She says, "I could go anytime." So, I reminded her that any of us could go anytime. "Mom, I could get hit by a bus tomorrow and that may be my end." "Oh, don't talk like that..." But, lately it's all I can think of. A friend from work has an advanced stage of breast cancer, and she's fighting very hard to win this battle. My husband's co-worker just had a lumpectomy done last week after months of chemotherapy, and soon will be going through radiation treatments. They are both so young...and so beautiful. Not that they are going to die from this terrible disease...but that any of us may die before them.
I don't fear death as much as I fear what I may leave behind. How my absence would change the lives of my husband, mother, children, and friends. I think about what a journey through cancer, aids, alzheimers, or any other terminal illness would be like for me...or my loved ones who would care for me. How would my life change if something were to happen to my mother, my husband...or God forbid my children? The mysteries of the unknown are strange things to ponder. There are no answers...just lots more questions.
Friends of mine have lost their parents at young ages, and I wonder how that has shaped them into who they are. What would have happened if their parents were still around? How would that change things? Sounds like an episode of the Twilight Zone, or a
Ray Bradbury short story...change one thing in the past, and see how everything is twisted in the present/future.
I know that eternity is for all who believe, and I believe that we really don't know what happens in those final moments of death, especially to a God that can move and bend and be all of time.
But, it's what happens to the survivors that has me puzzled? Can I be more prepared than I am, although I don't know if I'm really motivated to do so? Am I prepared to experience the grief that has evaded me these 38 years? How will I begin to prepare a funeral/memorial service for my father, mother....husband...child...children? Oh, I can't even imagine what a mess I would be.
Death is a strange thing for the survivors. I have to admit, I'm scared.
So...why even go there? Why think about "
what if?" Because, I think, it helps me to put perspective on the gifts I've been so generously been given. This life, so fragile, and yet it's all that I have. It brings me to be broken...so all I can cling to is my Heavenly Father, the creator, the King of Kings, the Ancient One, Holy of Holies. Dear God, thank you for bringing me to my knees and reminding me how precious these gifts are, and how completely unworthy I am to receive even one. I thank You every day for another precious day on earth. And pray that as you gift these days to me, that I would honor and glorify the name above all names, of your Son, Jesus. Help me dear Lord, to bring your Kingdom to those around me by following in your son's examples. If the "
what if" becomes "
why me" may the life that I have lived bring praises to You.
"Therefore keep watch, because you do not know on what day your Lord will come."
Matthew 24:42
