We never really die

explorefaith.org - Open Your Eyes

Seeking some solace, refuge, quiet stillness and silence...I look for things to help me meditate on where God is and where He may want me to be also. I have linked to explorefaith.org before. This is another way for me to seek God, to be opened up to the possibility of a closer spiritual relationship with Jesus Christ, my savior, King, and friend.

Recent grief has been like a dark cloud over my head the past month. I am remembering, too, the death of my dear friend Julie as we approach the two-year anniversary in another two months. I don't think we ever really finish grieving...as I believe the work that God does in our soul that is all about healing and reconciling us to Himself, is a life long process. Only in the opening of our eyes, in our earthly death do we finally see Him fully, truly, and wholy Holy. He is all of that, but we don't get to see it until we die to this life on this planet.

Dallas Willard has some things to say about dying, and how we never really die. This poem by Richard Guy Miller speaks to that for me.

I also believe that grief is experienced and felt in a variety of ways in each of us very differently from one another. I believe it's not that you can't feel joy or relief from the pain - or that you must act sad when you are in grief. I believe that no matter what you are feeling - that you should feel it fully - and God will meet you there. It may be in a happy memory, in the busy-ness of life, in the sad realization that we are left behind, in the lost hope of a future with our loved one...or whatever, that we must continue to FEEL what is happening to us, in us, and around us. We must give ourselves the grace to be who we are when we are, not just when others think it's appropriate. Time does heal wounds, and feeling the sorry does get less at times, but at other times the flood of emotion and sadness creeps back into my life and I need to allow myself to feel it, and not to stuff it down and ignore it's impact on my mind, body and spirit. To me, this is my spirituality. I may never understand fully the impact of a death on my life. But, I must receive the gift and knowledge of it by allowing my body and emotions to notice where I am and perhaps wonder why I am.

Open my eyes, Lord, to the time and place that is You.

Half empty or half full

The night feels very empty...aside from the cold air and loud breathing, dare I say snoring, coming from the other room. It's way past midnight and I'm up writing again. I don't know why but my mind is so full of thoughts at this time of the morning, and I haven't been to bed yet. All the lights are off aside from the one over the stovetop.
It's very cold in this room, at the kitchen table. It was about 55 degrees in the Twin Citites today, and it feels about like that now. I suppose I could get up and get a blanket, or put on a sweatshirt, but then I'd have to leave the dim light of the laptop to move...and quite frankly, my legs are very comfortable propped up on a chair.  Naw...just a minute...I do need a blanket. Maybe even a warm cup of tea. I'll be right back after I put some water on the stove...

The heat from the blue flame felt good for a moment. I guess so much of my life, every decision I make seems to be like it's multifaceted...so many perspectives to look at it. I thought I could only see my life from my point of view, but it seems it's rather more complicated than that. I realize that my personality seems to understand or sense how others perceive me. It's a bit weird, and hard to describe. Perhaps someday I'll try.

I guess you'd say I've always been a glass-half-full kind of person. I try to look for the up side, the positive, the stuff to be grateful for, and the stuff that we have in common instead of where we're different. But, I guess we all have moments in our lives - some people more than others - when the glass really does look half empty. I'm having that kind of a season.

If you've read past posts here, you'll notice I've gone mad. Well, those around me really don't know that I'm mad...but it's true. Inside my head is another voice that I'm just not sure I'm able to quiet. That other voice is my strange self who keeps looking for God in things where it shouldn't be. It's just not the same way others think. And, I can write whatever I want to here, because all the gals who follow my other blog because it's cute and all about home and garden stuff would never tread over here to read about my deeper spiritual side - the madness that is who I am when I write.

Oh....another moment please...the water is hot now.
I wish I could take a photo of my mug with the hot water steaming from it, but it's very dark in here. I'm just not sure the image would make it in such low light. See, even an image needs light to be fully seen for what it truely is. You cannot perceive color in the dark because in low light, the rods take over in the back of your eyes when the cones can see color during the well lit times. Sorry...slipped into optometric assistant mode for one moment. Boy, that was something hidden away for several years!

Thus...this season I'm in...where I'm working very hard at listening and watching for God is again more brought to light - the positive in me. But, then how is it in God's strange other-world-type paradigm of oposite is it that I should wait in a cold dark room and experience silence and solitude...and I feel so totally alone in my thoughts? If you're a Kingdom person you know what I mean by paradigm of oposite. This world is not like the other.

I cannot just sit here. I cannot just wait patiently and practice being in that very moment. I must write. I must type and clickety clack with my nails on the keyboard. I must strain my wrists and neck and shoulders to type out this lengthy blah blah blah on such a tiny little laptop. It's NOT ergonomic at all! Why am I still awake at such an hour?

I know I have so much to prepare for in the next few days. I have a large project due next week at work, I'll be covering for a co-worker while she's on vacation in Mexico, my garden needs to be weeded, fertilized,  and tended, and my husband's grandmother passed away this week so I should also be preparing photos for his cousins to put to foam poster boards in memory of this dear sweet woman who I miss terribly. Perhaps that's it. That's why I'm struggling with the sleep thing tonight. I don't have an excuse most nights, but I only need one tonight and it will work.

In my struggles with "not hearing God" these past months...I have been blessed by several women who are older than me. Some closer to my age and some much further along life's path. Grandma Swan was a genuine blessing to me the past 28 years that I knew her. She usually saw life as half-full, of course she birthed and raised ten children and had to see life that way to survive. I never got to ask her how she did it. But, she did remember the details about each of her children...secrets they thought she didn't know and praises she was sure to tell about them when they weren't looking. As a working mom, is my life much different? Her full time job was raising this brood...and she did a fine job at that. I just don't know if my life is all that different - but it is.

Here I go seeing the similarities again. Perhaps that's all that it is. The madness of positive attitude is the madness of loving others even when you don't want to. hmmmm...I've got myself thinking so hard I'm finally ready to begin nodding off in a more comfortable settting. Good morning to you  if you are waking, and good night to you if you are like me in this moment. Until we meet again here.
Same bat time, same bat channel.

Catch a wave...on the web

I had a dream a year ago - that I had a large plate of homegrown veggies - the plate was as big as a car. I felt a strong need to give it all away. I had been given so much, that I needed to share. Veggies are perishable, and they need to be eaten at peak freshness. I wanted everyone to enjoy the flavors and excitement that I had for my garden...I thought that's what it was about. I was giving it away, but I didn't know who was going to receive it.
Now, I'm wondering...what if the veggies were a metaphor for something else? But what else could it be?
What do I have, that grows fresh and ripe, and needs to be given away, to be shared and that others would benefit and be fed? I wonder about what my spiritual gifts are - hospitality, encouragement, faith...how can I put these together to help others? How to begin to dream of ways to reach out to others - in relationships not temporary.

I'm websurfing - and catching waves along these lines.
Stuff I'm thinking about...and searching for on Google and Bing.
If you choose to join me, let me know. If you see something interesting, or you notice something in the connections...let me know. Post a comment. I'd love to carry some with me on this journey.


Radical Hospitality
PBS - The Congregation
Opening a cafe/restaurant/bar
Live music in Maple Grove
Administrative gifts - how to support others well

The Virtue of Flexibility - Henri Nouwen

Trees look strong compared with the wild reeds in the field. But when the storm comes the trees are uprooted, whereas the wild reeds, while moved back and forth by the wind, remain rooted and are standing up again when the storm has calmed down.

Flexibility is a great virtue. When we cling to our own positions and are not willing to let our hearts be moved back and forth a little by the ideas or actions of others, we may easily be broken. Being like wild reeds does not mean being wishy-washy. It means moving a little with the winds of the time while remaining solidly anchored in the ground. A humorless, intense, opinionated rigidity about current issues might cause these issues to break our spirits and make us bitter people. Let's be flexible while being deeply rooted.

By My Spirit...Billy McLaughlin

Long time in the dark
Lost, now where to start?
Lonely shadows run
Life loses love when you don't feel the sun

Heavy world pressing down
Dark clouds all around
I pray to the Light
I pray to the One
I pray we would light up this world

Time to be coming out into the light
Time for the day, end of the night
Not by power, not by might, but by Spirit.

No one likes to see
Impossible roads ahead of me
No one likes to hear
A life broken down
A life full of fear

Time to be coming out into the light
Time for the day, end of the night
Not by power, not by might
But by Spirit
But, by my Spirit
But, by my Spirit..

So lift what you find hard to lift
And move what you find hard to move
And love those you find hard to love
Nothings impossible...
All things are possible...
Nothing's impossible...

Time to be coming out into the light
Time for the day, end of the night
Not by power, not by might
But by Spirit

Time to be coming out into the light
Time for the day, end of the night
Not by power, not by might
But by Spirit

But, by my spirit...
But, by my spirit...
But, by my spirit...

Online Lenten resources

explorefaith.org -

When we are real...Lenten Calendar. Guidance on the road to the cross - as we live a life through the 40 days of lent, these guides, signposts along the way, help us to frame how we are to be in Christ, and to be real and feel fully all that is going on inside of us...as promptings from God.

Being intentional about my life during this season of Lent, finding ways to fast from something helps me focus on my Creator, and how He is creating a new life inside of me. Fasting from tv and noise is not easy for me, but I'm longing for the closeness of my spirit with Christ - for a patience to live within each moment as it comes, and not to push past it too quickly.

Sit in silence this week...reflection the next...and pay attention to surroundings on the next. I'm grateful for tools like this calendar to walk us through the season together.

Something's coming...

It feels like the wind is changing. Imagine walking on the shore of a great wide expanse. The wind is shifting...it smells fresh, new, and a little salty on your face. Right now it's a light breeze...but is there a fierce wind behind it? What is that still small voice in the stillness saying? It's been still and stale for a long time now - several months. I've been hoping for a breath of fresh air. Is this it? What is shifting?

Walking on the shore - noticing the wind, the birds, the sunshine, the clouds, the trees swaying in the midst of whatever forces them to and fro. What is this place? I don't recognize it, but it feels familiar - like it's meant for me. Not comfortable, but worthwhile. Not passive, but peaceful. Cared for, but also care free.

Is the tide coming in, or is this a tsunami? What if my feet get wet? Then what? Am I willing to let the wave of whatever this is take me under? Am I willing to let it grab hold of me, and pull me down like an undercurrent and am I willing to die to whatever I was before, and learn to breath  under water? When this wave comes into the shore - it brings much with it. Am I willing to get wet, or stay safe and dry? What if it's not a tsunami, but just another rising tide - that only comes waist deep? Is it enough to knock me off my feet? Am I willing to let it come over me, or do I need to jump into it? When it has completely overwhelmed me, what will it look like when it goes out to sea? Will I stand on the shore all wet, or will I be swept out with it and dance and swim with the creatures of another world?

I'm blowing the doors off the walls and the box that I've lived within. I've set up a definition of who I am, by trying to find out more about who I am. And, what if that's not who I am going to be forever? What if I am being called to something far greater than I could ever imagine?
It started with a wondering, about a vocation, about something different. Playing on what I really love, time with my husband, great music, great food, creating space for people to experience relationship and themselves. What does it take to open a restaurant? What would it look like if we took our children out of school and moved across the globe and began a mission in another country? What would it be if I took a new job with travel opportunities, and was able to take my family with me to another world?

I had a dream last summer about a huge plate of vegetables - and that my life was so very plentiful that I wanted to give it all away. What if those vegetables weren't vegetables at all? What if they were gifts from God? And...what if they weren't my gifts? What if I was helping others to give away their gifts to others? What would that look like?

I don't blog for you, dear reader. I blog for myself. For words as I process things outside my own head. I blog for reasons that I believe Jesus is bringing new life to me. I can still only see the steps right in front of me...but I see an amazing vista. And, I wonder - out loud most times. What would it look like from that other peak over there? What about from that shore to the left, from that tree to the right, from a small boat in the middle of the ocean? Can I see the forest from where I am? Looking at the trees right next to me, I don't know if I'm even looking at a forest, or just a grove of trees. Perhaps it's just a guideline - a boundary - for a new land way beyond my dreams. Boy, these are pretty trees. What do they do? How did they get here? Who lives here? Am I looking at too many details that I can't see the big picture?

My desire is to breath in and feel the shift in the wind. Then, to rest a while in the freshness of that breeze...and gather enough strength...and allow it to totally take my breath away.

Prayer for Patience

Gracious God, it’s so hard to wait. To wait for new things to happen in my life. To wait for you to answer my prayers. To wait for the open doors that may lead me into a new way of being. During the time of waiting, it seems that all I can think of is having what it is I am waiting for. At times I feel weary of asking and waiting, and I wonder if you really hear my prayers at all, if you are ignoring me, or if you are simply refusing to give me my heart’s desire. A part of me knows that you want my best, and that your time is not my time, but Lord, it is still so hard to wait. Deepen my trust, O Lord, during the times when my heart longs for what can only come in the fullness of time. Give me a calm assurance that your will for me is grander than anything I could ever imagine. Still my mind and heart in your love so that I am mindful of the grace you are draping around me every single day, every single moment. I ask this for the sake of your love.

Copyright ©1999-2008 explorefaith.org

Links to a hidden world

Creativity - writing, playing music, playing, art, dancing, thinking outside the box...
Physical activity - running, working out, swimming, gardening, shoveling snow, stripping wallpaper, painting a wall, mowing the lawn...
Spirituality - sense or sensitivity to religious values, and/or experience of life from a faith perspective.

My friend, John, has been blogging for 7 days in a row, and has set a goal of 28 days of creativity.
I love what he says about creativity being linked to spirituality. I find myself meditating during gardening, stripping wallpaper, and even shoveling snow.  Enjoy the link to his site. Very interesting.

A Lenten Prayer by Henri Nouwen

The Lenten season begins. It is a time to be with you, Lord, in a special way, a time to pray, to fast, and thus to follow you on your way to Jerusalem, to Golgotha, and to the final victory over death.

I am still so divided. I truly want to follow you, but I also want to follow my own desires and lend an ear to the voices that speak about prestige, success, pleasure, power, and influence. Help me to become deaf to these voices and more attentive to your voice, which calls me to choose the narrow road to life.

I know that Lent is going to be a very hard time for me. The choice for your way has to be made every moment of my life.
I have to choose thoughts that are your thoughts, words that are your words, and actions that are your actions. There are not times or places without choices. And I know how deeply I resist choosing you.

Please, Lord, be with me at every moment and in every place.
Give me the strength and the courage to live this season faithfully, so that, when Easter comes, I will be able to taste with joy the new life that you have prepared for me.

Amen.

It's all about timing...

I hate waiting...but somehow I'm called to do it right now. I'm trying to live in the little bit of light that I have, and not ask for more to be revealed until the right time.
What is it about God's timing that is always perfect? When we wanted a baby, we waited 3 years for a pregnancy, and in that waiting I did much soul searching. But, God knew that I needed to wait. Then, when I wanted a second child, He knew that I would be better cared for in a different job - so that I could spend time with my baby - so that one waited several years as well. Now, my kids are 10 (almost 11) and 5. They are wonderful pieces of my life...and in the waiting I found that He was watching and waiting with me. Watching me to move and grow in ways that drew me closer to God.
Then, as we waited several years to buy our first house...when it was right, I just knew it in my gut. Somehow, God continued to provide the right pieces to fall into place when we had waited just long enough.
It was hard knowing when the waiting was over, though. And, when the heart begins to move and leap - is that the time to end the waiting?
Because right now my heart is leaping to some new things, and I wonder what is in this waiting time? Is there something I should be doing? preparing? for the end of the waiting? Is there going to be an end to the waiting?
All that I know is this...that I am called to wait. That this 'crisis" or whatever that I'm living in during my "mid-life" is strange and unfamiliar. But, because He, who has always been faithful to me, is present and waits beside me...then I, too, can be faithful to Him and wait for the right time to move forward.
Until then, thanks for journeying with me. Let me know you've stopped here by leaving a comment. Tell me how God has met you in your waiting for something.

Being open to the call

God is calling me...but I'm not sure I'm hearing Him correctly. When I look at the circles of discernment - those repeated places from varying sources...I find myself wondering and scratching my head. It's still not clear.
I'm praying for clarity - for God to simply open or close the doors where He would wish that I go.
Then, once I hear Him clearly - I ask for humbleness to be obedient to His call - to follow wherever He may want me to go.
This is once again setting me face down in the sand. Instead of wondering...I'm going to simply be open to listening and following. And pray that He guides me to something very clear and without a doubt of where I should be, and what I should do.
Dear Lord, be with me. Help me rid me of myself - and be reminded that I completely 100% belong to you!

"Angel Doves" lyrics - Mindy Smith

My soundtrack for today...Hillsong, Mindy Smith, and Natlie Merchant.

Angel Doves - by Mindy Smith

When you're bilndsided and decieved
And chained to the floor
When it's diffucult to see
Riding on the world

Keep on believing God is
Soaring above a world that is
Running out of love
Pouring hope out over us
His angel doves

When it's hard for you to breathe
Keep a clear mind
When it's hard for you to be
Just to be yourself sometimes

Keep on believing God is
Soaring above a world that is
Running out of love
Pouring hope out over us
His angel doves

Truly believing God is
Soaring above a world that is
Running out of love
Pouring hope out over us
His angel , His angel, His angel

His angel doves

I don't think I hate change...

It's funny as I think about it. I have gone through a tremendous amount of change in my workplace over the past year. People have left - or been let go - departments consolidated and now we're overworked and understaffed. Our direction hasn't changed, but it feels like the path has. I say "I hate change." But, I'm not so sure about that.
I'm the first one to choose a different spot to sit at the table, different spot to park in daily, different place to sit in church on Sunday, different way to drive home. I recently changed my cubical at work, to get a new perspective - and additional workspace. All these empty cubes just sitting here, they might as well be used.
I change my hair, I change my clothes, I decide on a different food for each meal. I love the change of seasons -yes, even the first snowfall...but I'd love it to change back to summer right away. We even bought a new house last year - and I peeled wallpaper off walls in a bathroom downstairs last night. That is change.

Is it the change that I hate so much? Or, is it just not having control over the change, and not knowing why the change is necessary? I find myself very wrapped up in "change you can count on" and "change for the good." When I also know that change is necessary for growth.

I tell you the truth, unless a kernel of wheat falls to the ground and dies, it remains only a single seed. But if it dies, it produces many seeds. - John 12:24

So, how am I being changed? Am I willing to die to myself so I can live In Christ? The change is subtle - the change is intentional. The question remains...if it's not "change" in itself that I hate - what is it?

Enough Light for the Next Step, by Henri Nouwen

This was in my inbox this moring...

"Often we want to be able to see into the future. We say, "How will next year be for me? Where will I be five or ten years from now?" There are no answers to these questions.

Mostly we have just enough light to see the next step: what we have to do in the coming hour or the following day. The art of living is to enjoy what we can see and not complain about what remains in the dark. When we are able to take the next step with the trust that we will have enough light for the step that follows, we can walk through life with joy and be surprised at how far we go. Let's rejoice in the little light we carry and not ask for the great beam that would take all shadows away."

I'm beginning to think that those who choose the daily meditation at Henri Nouwen.org are reading my thoughts - or more that the universe is speaking to me in circles again. "The art of living is to enjoy what we can see and not complain about what remains in the dark." Hmmmm...art of living, what does that mean to me? Is living my life an expression of art? Am I trying too hard to see what's intentionally left in the dark?
So many questions keep running in my head. Make it stop!

Living the Moment to the Fullest, by Henri Nouwen

"Patience is a hard discipline. It is not just waiting until something happens over which we have no control: the arrival of the bus, the end of the rain, the return of a friend, the resolution of a conflict. Patience is not a waiting passivity until someone else does something. Patience asks us to live the moment to the fullest, to be completely present to the moment, to taste the here and now, to be where we are. When we are impatient we try to get away from where we are. We behave as if the real thing will happen tomorrow, later and somewhere else. Let's be patient and trust that the treasure we look for is hidden in the ground on which we stand." - Henri Nouwen

Truer words were never so hard to swallow.
 

"Resting when exhausted was never even a possibility. Resting when exhausted is now a possibility." - Sue Bender.

 
Lord, help me to live in the moment with You, and to rest and not push forward twice as hard.

Circles of Discernment

As I have felt like I'm driving in fog - I also am reminded to live in the light. After all, that's the name of this blog. I've been looking for a lighted sign to signal me in a direction that currently is unknown to me. I am blinded by the lack of light in my path. But, how is that possible if Jesus is right beside me as the Light of the World? I changed the verse at the top of my blog this week. A little better reality of what I think this blog is.

God speaks to me in circles. I think I mentioned that in my last post. I listen in circles. As an extrovert, I process much outside of my head - out loud with others, by writing, whatever...and when I hear myself say something or am reminded about a different conversation that happened recently and notice a similar metaphor, similar tone, similar circumstance...I find myself completing the circle and considering that idea to be a word from God himself.
So, my last post was about driving in a fog, and that metaphor is going crazy for me the past couple of days.

In fact, just checking in with co-workers over lunch yesterday two different people, in different conversations, commented about driving in the poor weather conditions over the hoiday break. Like driving in blinding snowstorm, and  having to pull over several times to rest, stretch, go to the bathroom, whatever. So, I'm listening! My layers of circles are coming around again. Do I need to pull over and stop for a while instead of continuing on in a fog, or snow or whatever? Then, I read an article that helps me put more words to my metaphor. http://www.explorefaith.org/lifeissues/finding_my_way/discernment/parting_the_clouds.php

And over and over again in my searching for a light - I am hearing again. I'm not as lost as I thought I was. I'm just in need of a rest, and totally in need of being a bit more patient with God, to help me with whatever He has for me.
Renee Miller also authored another article about new beginnings on explorefaith.org that is helping to put words to what I'm experiencing.

"In so many sacred stories where people are changing, there is a period of waiting—a space that spans the old and the new. A space that makes it possible to fully let go of the past in order to be single-mindedly ready for the future.


Consider the Israelites, for example, who wandered in a wasteland for forty years before beginning their new life in the Promised Land. Or Jesus, who spent 40 days in the wilderness before taking up his ministry. These periods of waiting can seem annoying or even onerous and difficult, but they are actually a gift that will help prepare us to move into a new beginning with fullness and joy."

That's it! It's terribly annoying! It's terribly uncomfortable. I thought I was going crazy!

A friend mentioned that now might be a good time for me to get a personal spiritual director. A spiritual coach per say. I will consider it, but not sure if these circles of discernement aren't helping me with some of that for now. The fact that I'm one who processes outside my head leads me to believe that God knew exactly what He was doing when He made me who I am. This road to self discovery, this road to the unknown is finding myself in circles.
Author, Sue Bender, says something intriguing to me about circles in her book: Stretching Lessons.
http://books.google.com/books?id=QaLLObnsX7MC&pg=PA93&lpg=PA93&dq=sue+bender,+circles&source=bl&ots=-N5IqxAr57&sig=BEjDNK8aFAbPv58yYhFxkPIgjxY&hl=en&ei=0xRFS8eHIou2M42w2fEB&sa=X&oi=book_result&ct=result&resnum=1&ved=0CAoQ6AEwAA#v=onepage&q=&f=false

Circles, huh? Buddhism, Japanese calligraphy and all that jazz. My heritage is Japanese. My life with Jesus is wonderful, and would he open up some new thoughts in this world so I can more fully understand the character of God? Perspective, patience, and willingness to be helpless. That's what I say, he brings us to our knees so we remember dependence upon Him is necessary for growth.

Oh God, how I love that you love me!

Driving in fog

I can’t sleep – and that’s something new for me. For the past few months I find that my body just doesn’t go back to sleep as easily as it always has. So, around 3am I got out of bed, turned on a light in the living room and opened a book that my spiritual direction group facilitator loaned to me a few weeks ago at our last group session. This is a book that she found at a garage sale and has removed the outside illustrated cover so to reveal the simple white paper cover and taped binding with gold letters – “Everyday Sacred” by Sue Bender. As I read it, I find myself relating to her story, and tears are soaking my prayer shawl as I let in words that I know God wants me to hear/read. I am listening…as I do so often.


These are her words in the preface…and I think they describe a little about what’s going on with me.

“For as long as I can remember I have been listening to a harsh critical voice inside me, but I’ve lived with it so long that I never really noticed the influence it was having on my life. I not only listened, I believed what this harsh judge was saying.

The voice passes judgment on everything I do.

“You’re not measuring up!” the judge shouts.

I’m never sure what I am supposed to measure up to, only that I never will.

Nothing I do will ever be enough.

“Don’t complain,” the judge adds, “you have it easy.”

Judging myself harshly for having a harsh judge only makes matters worse. When I try to ignore it, the voice gets louder.

I could have read all the books in the world about showing “loving kindness towards oneself,” but I could do nothing to stop the voice of the judge.

I felt a hunger inside that I didn’t understand and couldn’t satisfy.”

She goes on to tell stories of bowls, begging bowls and monks, and how others around her have taught her by their stories. It's a sweet easy to read book, and I'm already half way through when I just had to write down some of the stuff God is speaking to me about in her story. She talks of clutter, endless paperwork and disorganization. She talks of tea, pots, and impossible lists of things to do. All things I struggle with myself.

I am finding some comfort in knowing that I'm not alone in my stuggles...and in some familiar words and repeated markers from unrelated conversations (unrelated other than I was a part of each of them) that seem to miraculously appear in this book and jump off the page at me!

This is how God has spoken to me in the past. I don't find things "coincidental" by any nature...I think there are patterns in our lives that come full circle and when those circles and patterns intertwine close together, that somehow I should pay attention and get something from what I'm hearing and noticing. There are words in this book that jump - like arrows shot by an expert marksman that fly through the air to hit my heart right on target. Even in just writing that, I feel a connection to another musician friend who titled one of his albums "The archery of guitar." These are the kinds of things that come full circle once again.

The words "self-correct" - are word that were spoken by me in relating to another's story in our spiritual direction group. My facilitator, Karen, took notes and later asked me what I meant by that. I mentioned that it's the first natural instinct to have to stop what I'm doing to prevent myself from hurting another - usually by words. I want to say something, and then I self-correct, so as not to say something that should probably not be said anyhow. I just wish it was in my first nature to rest and pause and not want to say that in the first place. I wish I could rest and trust in the other person enough - and perhaps in myself - to know that they can handle whatever situation they are going to get themselves into. It's kind of like reading through status updates on Facebook and feeling an intense desire to comment on every single post by my most popular friends, because I have so much wisdom and guidance to convey to them. HA! I've self-corrected often on Facebook, and I'll tell you, for me it's hard to resist the commenting, but I'm trying.

In the book, referring to a stiff neck working over a small computer in a coffee shop - Sue Bender describes talking about it with a friend.

"You did what most of us do when we're stressed," Mitzi said kindly.
"You self-correct in the wrong direction."

She was right. Even when my computer breaks down and registers overload--with warning signals and blinking lights--I never think to stop and relax for a while. I smile and say "Yes, a message from the Universe"--and push myself  twice as hard.

Resting when exhausted was never on my list of possibilities.
Resting when exhausted is now on my list of possibilities.

Reading these words and hearing the familiar ones come full circle again created streams of tears and heavy sobbs at 4:30am. He is speaking, I am listening. I am speaking, and I feel heard. So, why do I still feel like I'm sitting in the dark with no idea where I'm going or am supposed to be? Is it enough to feel grateful for what I have, and sit in that place for a while? I'm always supposed to be doing something, planning something, looking out for the next thing, anticipating something...but right now I'm just anticipating knowing what that next thing might be. It looks so cloudy up ahead. I can't seem to see where I'm going.

Just to be content just being with Him is something I long for. I know Jesus is on this journey with me, and that He knows the way. I can feel him so close to me. But, I don't have much practice letting someone else drive, not even my Savior. Learning to trust in His radar for my road ahead and not what I see or don't see is what my stuggle is today. I pray for a lifting of the fog, or for a lighted sign ahead to at least give me a clue what road I'm on. I can't see through the fog, it's so thick. So, I'll just take it very slowly for now, until I'm ready to turn over the steering wheel to my copilot.

Music reaches into my soul...

Music soothes the savage beast. It evokes emotion, makes you think, helps you stop thinking, brings out creative juices, helps you relax, or get jazzed up, and drives my kids to jump around the livingroom with air guitars and sunglasses shaking their heads up and down in reverent worship to Miley Sirus. Rythym, notes, beats, harmonies, tones, harmonics, melodies, instruments, vocals, booming percussion, gentle chimes, big strings, little strings, brass, woodwinds, wired or not...it's the world we live in, it's the world we hope to live in, it's art.
I'm so excited for a number of music things that are happening in the twin cities this week. First of all - we signed up for the U2 fanclub and will get a chance to purchase presale tickets for the Mpls concert that was just announced for a date next summer. This is a band with a HUGE following, some rockin rythms, and lyrics with a message of being something other than who they are in this life. Okay, not your typical review...but if you're a fan, you just get it.
I've found my coworkers divided on just how important this concert is for them. Some of them say "I'm going to this concert no matter what it takes," and others wouldn't pay money to stand in a crowded staduim with several thousand screaming fans all singing the same tune. So...why am I so intrigued by this group? What is it about them that calls forth such a global following? Is it their publicity, their content, their outreach and desire to bring awareness of the poor and hungry in this world? Is it just about the music? Bono, the Edge, Larry & Adam have become icons as the Beatles and the Rolling Stones did in the Brittish invasion in the 1960's. Is it they are just "cool." Is it that simple? What makes someone cool?
Rolling Stone magazine has had them on the front cover several times in the past year - not just once. What kind of power does this group get, have, and who or what has granted them this status and strength in the rock-n-roll world? Why do people flock to them in droves and sell out giganto venues all in the name of music? I just love them. Not sure exactly why - but am really facinated by the whole thing of getting caught up in the buzz, the happening, the need to connect to others with similar facination.What's that about?

Second - my favorite radio station in the Twin Cities (Cities 97) is putting out their 21st Cities Sampler with limited live in-studio performances of equally amazing musicians (not as much fan fare) but just as deserving. They only release a limited number of CDs to protect the performers and copyrights - and ALL the money goes to local charities. We've been getting up early one Thursday every November for the past several years and getting in line at Target to get at least one copy, if not the full limit of 2. When I say we, I really mean my husband. I have to get the kids to daycare and school, so since he is more free of distractions that early in the morning, I usually request he get in line at the Target in downtown Mpls at least and hour before they open. The suburban stores sell out in a couple of hours, but the downtown store usually has less of a crowd right away. Last year's 2 CD 20th anniversary set is still one of my favorite compilations of rock that I can hang onto for a long time. I'm excited to plug that CD into my iTunes and wear it out.

Third, Billy McLaughlin - who has become a friend, if I can be so bold to say - is playing solo in Excelsior at one of our favorite venues on Friday night. A tiny little coffee shop by day, and wine bar by night - the 318 Cafe becomes an amazing acoustical room with good creative food (rustic pizzas and savory spring green salads) and amazing desserts (like the best carrot cake I've ever had in my life.) We actually went out there for the first time to specifically see Billy play. We've gone from old time Billy Mac fans to regular groupies at his shows in the Twin Cities, seeing him at least once a month for the past 2 years. Wow - even 3 times in Sept this year as he played at the MN State Fair and a free concert with his band at the Whitebear Lake Township celebration, as well as a formal concert at the Maplewood Community Center Performing Arts Theater - the same place he filmed his DVD Into the Light, the first major concert after his return to the stage.

We've been planning date nights around Billy's acoustic guitar concerts for the last couple of years since his return to performing live. His music never sounds just like the recordings - so a live version is always a treat. The vibration of the reverb in the room as he taps out a synchopated tune on any one of his left-handed strung guitars is a deep soul moving experience for me. It's also a treat when he has enough strength in his right handed playing to give us some older songs. He is gracious to his fans, and very kind to remember names of those who love his music and come to see him. He has many fans, not as many as U2, but many. And, he is humble, and lives from a grateful heart for the gift of his music he knows may be cut short at any time that his dystonia begins to affect his other hand.. As I said to him a while ago - we've been friends with his music since the mid 80's. It only makes sense that we become friends with him...if he lets us. Which, we were able to spend a little back stage time with him in Sept and check out his bus. Becoming friends with some of his friends is also fun, as they are amazing people and show extreme character and talent. Not a combination that comes around often in the music business.
Not many musicians actually respond to email, but on occasion, he'll check back with us. I'm crazy about this guy, and his amazing story of overcoming and pushing through physical distress to find a way to not only enjoy the passion he has for his music, but thrive in it - which is thouroughly who he was created to be. I can't wait to hear some new writing he's working on. I've posted here about Billy before, and I can't say enough good things about this everyday dad of 2 teen boys who travels the country promoting his music passion - and plans to tour to China and India in 2010. We'll miss him here for that time. So...we go again this week to see him perform, get to chat a bit, spend some time with old friends, and sip some wine.

As this rock-n-roll and acoustic guitar fan closes this post...take a moment to think about how music has affected your life. I'm reflecting back to lullabyes as a child, junior high guitar & piano lessons, high school and college choir, and singing in church. I sing to my kids as they drift off in the evening, and I sing loudly in the car to my favorites. I even get up in front of coworkers to shout out Nancy Sinatra songs on Karaoke night.
Lord God, if you are speaking to me in all of this...may I just say "Thank you." I'm really enjoying the gift of loving music that you have given me. I don't take it for granted...and that brings me closer to You. I want to listen more.

Knitted Prayer Shawl

Today a dear friend of mine gave me a hand knitted prayer shawl. It was about a month ago that I mentioned to her that I didn't have one. I was giving one to a friend of mine on the occasion of her mother's memorial service. It's something we've been able to do as a church, simply because we have a lovely group of women who knit and crochet on the second Tuesday of every month in a prayerful setting and donate their handiwork to the church to give away as gifts of love to those who need or want a tangible reminder of God's warm embrace and unending love for them.

What a blessing several weeks ago as she brought in two different colors of blue yarn for me to choose from, and even last week as she asked what kind of edges I wanted on it. I left it up to her, as I really have simply felt honored that she would even do this for me. To pray for me and put her amazing handiwork to this soft (and warm) shawl, that is wrapped around me as I type this now.

The color is a deep royal blue with shades of teal mixed in. I don't remember what color she said was on the package of yarn, but to me it's the color of the sky as I look up to see clouds that remind me of a photographer friend who died last year. Or, the color of the ocean - as I have always loved the way that water speaks to me. I was born in CA which I seem to think has something to do with my love for the ocean and all marine life. Like being imersed in deep water, this shawl takes me deep within my soul to remember the One who gives me life, and breath, and blessings and all things.

I'm blessed by my friend who made this shawl, for her heart to think so much of me and work so hard on something so dear. I am blessed by the way she worked through a tough time in her own family - with parental health issues and travels to be near them, only to come home to officiate a funeral. She stands in the gap of honor by choice. I'm reminded of our choices we make that make differences in the lives of others. What courage to be a person of character, of honor, of love. She did this out of her desire to bless me in a place to recognize who I am in the larger picture of God's Kingdom. Although I work at a church, she chose to give this to me outside of working hours, so I am reminded that it's not about my job...but about who I am.

Why is it so hard for me, sometimes, to remember that God is loving me in the midst of my own failings and my own high expectations of myself? My family doesn't seem to notice the things I do to help them function on a daily basis. I struggle with not hollering at my kids or my husband as they do something that irritates me or nags at my self-righteousness. I don't love them as well as I think I should. I don't love them half as well as I know I can. It's easier to love my friends who blog and leave Facebook status updates...so I can comment to them by electronic words. It's hard to love by washing clothes, cleaning toilets, and raking leaves. It's hard to love by playing catch with my 4 yr old, and reading out loud to my 10 year old. That takes too much energy.
I'm exhausted, emotionally, physically, mentally...and I find that I don't know how to really rest.

And so...once again I find myself grateful for a sweet blue prayer shawl. For tonight, I pray not only for strangers in some brotherhood of military personnel...but I pray for my own family. I pray for my children, and their hearts to know Jesus. I pray for my husband, to find meaning and notice God's amazing love for him, as well. And, I sit peacefully in prayer - in the arms of my Heavenly Father - as He reminds me that it's not about what I do, but about who I am in Him that is love.