My entire life I've tried to live up to others expectations of me. Waiting for no one, I venture out on my own. I continue on ahead - putting things together without reading directions. I create new processes and procedures for how I think things should be done, and I don't stop to think that maybe someone else might have a good idea or that they might know better than I do. My teachers encouraged me and my parents challenged me to push myself to excel and pursue greatness within my gifts. When I strive to use my own accomplishments as fuel for continuing the pursuit of happiness, I often put blinders on and forget about people on the side-lines that I love, but don't even see.
How is this pattern I've created ever going to be reshaped and remolded into letting myself be more what I want of me, and what God wants of me. Maybe that's it right there - it's not about what I want. How do I learn to let go of the control issues that every human in America strives for?Or, is it just me? Why do I care what others (loved ones, family and friends) think about me? Why am I not completely satisfied with being the beloved daughter of a loving God? Why is that not enough for me? Is it that I'm not grateful? I don't live with peace in my heart - or is it that striving to do that is also a way for me to be the perfect deserving one? I rely so much on my "god-given gifts and talents" that I forget that God has given me these gifts for His glory, not mine.
Lord, forgive me!!! My pride is what gets in the way. Pride is thinking too much or too little of oneself - of believing an extreme deservedness to good or evil. Pride is listed as one of the seven deadly sins. It is "the mother of all sins... the thin line between righteousness and self-righteousness." Medieval theologian, Thomas Aquinas said "inordinate self-love is the cause of every sin ... the root of pride is found to consist in man not being, in some way, subject to God and His rule." Pride is excessive belief in one's own abilities, that interferes with the individual's recognition of the grace of God. It has been called the sin from which all others arise. I feel as though I'm letting many of my own sins get in the way of my growth in God. I think I deserve this good life I've been given - the accomplishments I've made in work, family, and projects. I take and gobble up with lust and gluttony all the good blessings I can possible handle...somehow because I think I deserve it. How wrong I am, and how full of pride. Perhaps I don't see the grace of God, but think I need to earn whatever it is that I'm getting. But, truth be told, it's not about what we deserve in this life - or the afterlife. I have sinned, and I come to the Creator for forgiveness. I must, too, seek forgiveness from others for the hurt I've caused them.
Although we don't put labels like gluttony, lust, envy, pride, anger, greed and sloth on everyday behaviors, I believe we sugar coat it and make it simply much softer than the harsh reality of the sin. Calling a sin a sin is saying the truth. It's the watered-down versions of sin, calling out mistakes or backsliding - is just wrong. Sin is crossing a line where one was drawn, or missing the mark - not living up to what God is calling out of us. I am a sinner, I have sinned. I confess that I have sinned against God and have looked to my own accomplishments for some kind of satisfaction. I can't believe I may have actually thought that doing what I want could possibly be following what God wants for my life. Options - yes, but the course of action I was taking was not in the waiting mode that God calls me to. I have taken matters into my own hands, and I am suffering and far away from Him because of it.
Like each of us, this sin permeates all that I do, live, breathe...and I don't know any other way to release it but to fall on my knees in front of the cross and beg for God's grace and mercy to love me and cover me like a waterfall. We each have our sins, but not sure what to call them. We don't deserve the blessings He gives to us. Our loving Father, Lord, and Creator, gives us blessings and gifts out of His intense love for us. It's not because we deserve anything. And, so the gift of Jesus at Christmas is a gift of mercy on His people. The Father sent His only Son to be born as human, to live among us and teach us His ways, and to die and raise from the dead for the sins of all of us. Jesus died and rose again to free me from my sins, but I continue to put them back on daily. I must release them and find ways to allow God to enter between our flesh and the sins we carry.
Advent is a time of waiting - waiting for the Savior to come - a baby in a manger - a knight in shining armor to rescue us from ourselves. It's the dark places of our souls that wait for a bit of light - a candle flame - to spark the Truth within us. That seed of hope, love, peace and joy that will call us to new life, a stronger more loving and deeper life with God.
Merry Christmas will come...and in that day or evening, I will wait for Him to enter this heart and bring peace and mercy to all of the earth. The Lord is near.
