For the past year I've been on a portion of my spiritual journey that I don't remember traveling before. About this time last year, I truely felt abandoned by God - sort of. I wasn't noticing a real sense of direction for my life like I had before. Nor did I experience confirmation of decisions I had made or thoughts I wondered about. These words simply spilled out and fell to the floor in a dead puddle of mush the instant I spoke or thought of them. No acoustics, just dead air. I described it then as driving in a fog. And when I finally was able to "pull over" and rest for a bit, I was able to gather thoughts about so much of what I thought I knew. I was so busy with doing life that I had forgotten how to rest. I had not even entertained slowing down as an option. I rested when I was physically tired, but my brain wouldn't turn off. This time last year was a time for me to go to a nothing place; a place of surrender to all that I thought I needed to be, do, handle and manage. It was scary, exhausting, and full of wonder about what God was doing in me.
When the end of the winter came around, and my darkness was seeming to settle in...suddenly, like a flash of lightening on a cloudless day, I experienced a flood of dreams about what my future might hold. Pictures and words of "What if?" began to fill my head. Something new had awakened the sleeping giant and joy filled my heart! Perhaps these dreams (while completely awake) came as creative juices and stirrings to grow - or noticing growth - and bring life to dead places. Maybe this was how I could notice new growth in a place that I thought was laid down for the season. Like tulip bulbs that waited all winter beneath the snow, little buds began to sprout.
I clearly remember so many things in my life that seemed to have been a path clearly laid out for me. I never interviewed for a job that I didn't get. I always moved towards jobs that I wanted, and was clearly qualified for. I always took the jobs I was offered, and then stayed there a relatively long time for each job. It's crazy to think I'm approaching the 8th anniversary of my current job. Even the decision to buy our home two years ago was clearly one of those "of course" kinds of experiences, when I just knew in my gut it was the right path for us to take. All of that has changed.
I sat quietly with a group of women last night, a spiritual direction group. I realized I continue to have way more questions than I could ever get answers for. And as I dig into wondering what God has in store for me in this time...I said out loud that I have grown comfortable with sitting in the questions. Perhaps I have...or I just feel that the growth that is happening within me, this saying no to old things and saying yes to new life-giving things is worth the wait. I mentioned that I feel as though God has been speaking to me so differently than ever before. I am experiencing options and choices that I don't remember having before. He shows me things and speaks through people around me in new ways. Ways that I find comically amusing at times, and sincerely deeply touching at other times. A few words here or there that point me in the same direction as others helps me to discern that the Holy Spirit is alive and well and living in me.
One gal in my group last night shared a picture from her head of bungee jumping. She said we may be very far away and near the ground below us or very close to the top and freely moving in the air, but always connected to our Creator. To her, the image of bungee jumping is terrifying. To me, that image is thrilling. It's something I've dreamed of doing for many years, but never have had the chance to actually do it. The risk of stepping out on faith, taking that step out into nothing and knowing in my head that God will protect me and provide all that I need in that moment. The "oh what the heck" feeling and flying out into weightlessness just for that few seconds while falling, that excites me and shakes me from my safe, responsible and somewhat boring middle-American life. This image was a golden nugget of truth to how my Creator has wired me, and how He knew specifically how it might speak to my soul.
Last night I processed some of my thoughts out loud with my facilitator after the group was over. And today, in a sweet twist of fate that caused a meeting to be rescheduled, an extra 30 minutes of my day was spent processing out loud with a close trusted friend about the same thoughts. These were divine moments indeed.
I realized that through this year of darkness, floods of dreams and options...that I could move towards making my own choices and options and still be in His will!
Really??!?
Is that really true?
Yes! I don't have to follow just one path in order to follow God's will for me. I have options, and I can choose the path laid out before me. It doesn't have to be just one way or another, and it could be both or either and God would still be pleased that I'm following Him and pursuing the deep questions and wonderings within me. But, how do I know this? I'll dig deeper and find confirmation where His word is solid.
My desire to be obedient, stay accountable, and responsible goes so far back to the beginning of me that I only know the "craziness" of dreaming in some specific instances. Those dreams and visions of what the future could hold felt cut down and stomped on when I pursued things that others, whom I respected, didn't agree with what I was doing. "Stop dreaming - it'll just cause you pain and disappointment." So what!? But, those words stuck to me like wet paste and twisted the dreams I had of pursuing the soul work within me.
Reality settled in and I completed college, got a job, got married, had kids, and here I am today. I still have so many questions, so many dreams. Instead of looking into the future, I began to look at the past, and just tried to stay present to what was happening to me in the current space and time.
In that dark place a year ago, I picked up a printed article by Renee Miller from a favorite website. The words are the same as they were before. I printed them out, so it's not like the words could have been changed. But somehow, reading it again this week, the words seemed fresh and new. A different meaning began to jump right off the page into my soul. I stopped and burst into tears, knowing that my Jesus, my God, has continued to touch the deep crevices within me - and not only carved out a big hollow place, but He has chosen to dwell inside of me in that place. To bring all of who I am into all of who He is. This is sacred space - holy ground.
My biggest revelation today came as I read these things...that it's not that God is speaking to me differently than before - as I once had thought. I mean, this didn't feel like a burning bush kind of experience. Perhaps I've had it all wrong. He's not speaking to me differently...I'm listening to Him differently! Basically, I realized that I had been transformed in that dark place. Stepping out on faith, taking a risk to lead in places I know I can lead - and knowing when to follow has been a key part of my journey this year. The ebb and flow of the living water inside me...the up and down of the bungee cord. I am renewed, healing, restoring that which was lost.
The journey is far from over, and my willingness to step out once again to feel the thrill of the ride will continue to form me into who I am becoming - sitting comfortably with lots more questions. I will continue to watch, listen and wait for my Lord to speak to those deep caverns within my soul.
