The work of defining "call."

For some reason, a stirring has begun in me and has accelerated at an alarming rate. The stillness and quiet that I felt from my God has been reopened and he has partnered with me in a new place. I realized that He wasn't speaking to me differently over the past year, but that I indeed was the one who has changed, and that I have been hearing Him differently. Is it because I have taken time to pause, to listen, and to wonder about the way He created me? Or, will He just keep moving because this is the time He needs me to move?

I believe my God made me, and therefore knows everything about me. He knows things about me that even I don't know or understand. That is weird. I mean, who doesn't know themselves best? I know what I like, I know what I don't like. I have always tested the same ESFJ on the Myers-Briggs and have always been a detail-oriented person. In fact, I was taking some time last night to review some of the personality and strengths assessment tests I've taken over the past several years in ministry, and I feel that mostly they remain the same. But in reviewing one, I noticed I really have changed and adapted to many things in my life these past years that have made me a different person.

In ministry settings, I've only known two kinds of roles - the visionaries, and the details people. Those with the vision are seldom the same people who carry the details and execute the fine points of nametags, rosters, and organization. On the same note, those who carry the details are seldom the same people who see the bigger picture and have ideas and wholness for holding and driving the whole. Not to say that each of the people in these roles aren't capable of doing the other things...just that it's difficult to switch hats from one to another in the same breath.

Then, why, on several occasions over the course of the last several years have I heard others say about me that I have the unique ability to do both? To carry the details, because that's what comes easily to me, but that I hold the bigger pieces and carry them with care and compassion for how others are received. I guess that is part of who I am becoming. I've always been the details gal, and I wonder today if there's been a need to step into a new season in my life. A new light has shined into this place, and from it I cannot hide, no matter how much I try to resist it.

Today a friend, a mentor, put more words on it for me. She said it's as if I hold a spiritual mothering, a nurturing of people. Both for my own children, but also for others - children, parents, families, and those least and lost. Is this the call that I am tending to? I carry an intercession for others that I cannot explain. I care very deeply for those that I see may be on the margins, and sometimes those very people are the ones that have shared the positions and places that I've been.

When God calls, He speaks to a person and asks them to do something, to move in a way that is consistent with their growth.  In my experience, it's not always a clear voice in English saying do this or do that. For me, God's voice has been that inner voice in my gut that tells me that something is not yet complete. That voice that says I should move and act with what I know, and trust that God will carry it through because it's in obedience and partnership with Him. It's the crazy dreams and ideas that I never would have come up with on my own. It's the hint in my mind that I have the right answer even though I don't always have the courage to say the answer out loud. I should trust myself more. Especially when it's a feeling or wondering that I cannot explain. That doesn't mean I'm going to be right...it just means that perhaps in trusting myself enough to say it, the words will mean something to the situation, or others around me, enough to have been on purpose.

I've talked here before about my circles of discernment. Places and reminders and hints from various sources that all seem to come back and point to the same thing. It's about finding reason and logic in the most illogical places. It's about seeing and listening for recognition and order. I don't always get it. And, I've grown okay with that. But, when I do get it, that confirmation of my gut feeling, my conscience tells me to rest and wait more on my unconscience to help confirm.

It's the reminder each night as my 6-yr-old son and I say prayers together. We start out with...
"We are to love who with our heart?"
"The Lord Our God."
"And, we only need to love him with a little bit of our heart, right?"
"No, mom, with ALL of our heart. ALL of our soul, ALL of our mind, and ALL of our strength."
"You mean, ALL?!? Not just most of our heart, soul, mind, strength?"
"ALL of it, mom."
"ALL of your heart? - not just your arms, your kidneys, your lungs, your brain and your muscles?"
"Oh, mom. Love the Lord Your God with ALL your heart, ALL your soul, ALL, your mind, and ALL your strength." "And, love your neighbors as yourself."
"Who is your neighbor? Am I your neighbor?"
"Yes, mom, all other people are your neighbors, not just the people who live next to us, jeesh!"

So...this weekend the worship reminded me. Take my life, an old hymn with deep meaning today. Re-worked by Chris Tomlin.

Take my life and let it be consecrated Lord, to thee.
Take my moments and my days, let them flow in ceaseless praise.
Take my hands and let them move at the impulse of thy love.
Take my feet and let them be swift and beautiful for thee.

Take my voice and let me sing always, only for my king.
Take my lips and let them be filled with messages from thee.
Take my silver and my gold not a might would I withhold.
Take my intellect and use every power as you choose.

::Chorus::
Here am I, all of me.
Take my life, it's all for thee.

Take my will and make it Thine it shall be no longer mine.
Take my heart it is thine own; it shall be thy royal throne.
Take my love, my Lord I pour at your feet its treasure store
Take myself and I will be ever, only all for thee,
Take myself and I will be ever, only all for thee.

Here am I, All of me.
Take my life, It's all for thee.

So, if I am to sing these words and say the prayer, and walk through life meaning fully that God can use me as He will...then I need to remember to trust that He will carry me and give me all the resources that I need to accomplish His tasks. Whatever that may be or look like, or no matter how uncomfortable, or how resistant I am to change. I must move to please Him, because He is my purpose. To follow Jesus is my call. To be willing to sacrifice, to serve His purposes, in a way that is beyond myself, beyond my own family, beyond my own boundaries.

In this place to fully move into that, we have to completely trust that God will care for that which we cannot. We cannot fully take on the details and the larger picture in the same breath. But, He will give me what I need in the moments that I follow Him. He will pick up the pieces and carry that or help me to see what I've missed when I cannot carry it all. This is the continuous work of defining and discerning how I feel I am called into service for Jesus.

It's not easy. I have many questions. I wonder and partner with others in questions that they, too, have about their purpose in life. But, perhaps being comfortable in those uncomfortable questions is part of staying in it. Part of being a spiritual being in a human world.