Driving in fog

I can’t sleep – and that’s something new for me. For the past few months I find that my body just doesn’t go back to sleep as easily as it always has. So, around 3am I got out of bed, turned on a light in the living room and opened a book that my spiritual direction group facilitator loaned to me a few weeks ago at our last group session. This is a book that she found at a garage sale and has removed the outside illustrated cover so to reveal the simple white paper cover and taped binding with gold letters – “Everyday Sacred” by Sue Bender. As I read it, I find myself relating to her story, and tears are soaking my prayer shawl as I let in words that I know God wants me to hear/read. I am listening…as I do so often.


These are her words in the preface…and I think they describe a little about what’s going on with me.

“For as long as I can remember I have been listening to a harsh critical voice inside me, but I’ve lived with it so long that I never really noticed the influence it was having on my life. I not only listened, I believed what this harsh judge was saying.

The voice passes judgment on everything I do.

“You’re not measuring up!” the judge shouts.

I’m never sure what I am supposed to measure up to, only that I never will.

Nothing I do will ever be enough.

“Don’t complain,” the judge adds, “you have it easy.”

Judging myself harshly for having a harsh judge only makes matters worse. When I try to ignore it, the voice gets louder.

I could have read all the books in the world about showing “loving kindness towards oneself,” but I could do nothing to stop the voice of the judge.

I felt a hunger inside that I didn’t understand and couldn’t satisfy.”

She goes on to tell stories of bowls, begging bowls and monks, and how others around her have taught her by their stories. It's a sweet easy to read book, and I'm already half way through when I just had to write down some of the stuff God is speaking to me about in her story. She talks of clutter, endless paperwork and disorganization. She talks of tea, pots, and impossible lists of things to do. All things I struggle with myself.

I am finding some comfort in knowing that I'm not alone in my stuggles...and in some familiar words and repeated markers from unrelated conversations (unrelated other than I was a part of each of them) that seem to miraculously appear in this book and jump off the page at me!

This is how God has spoken to me in the past. I don't find things "coincidental" by any nature...I think there are patterns in our lives that come full circle and when those circles and patterns intertwine close together, that somehow I should pay attention and get something from what I'm hearing and noticing. There are words in this book that jump - like arrows shot by an expert marksman that fly through the air to hit my heart right on target. Even in just writing that, I feel a connection to another musician friend who titled one of his albums "The archery of guitar." These are the kinds of things that come full circle once again.

The words "self-correct" - are word that were spoken by me in relating to another's story in our spiritual direction group. My facilitator, Karen, took notes and later asked me what I meant by that. I mentioned that it's the first natural instinct to have to stop what I'm doing to prevent myself from hurting another - usually by words. I want to say something, and then I self-correct, so as not to say something that should probably not be said anyhow. I just wish it was in my first nature to rest and pause and not want to say that in the first place. I wish I could rest and trust in the other person enough - and perhaps in myself - to know that they can handle whatever situation they are going to get themselves into. It's kind of like reading through status updates on Facebook and feeling an intense desire to comment on every single post by my most popular friends, because I have so much wisdom and guidance to convey to them. HA! I've self-corrected often on Facebook, and I'll tell you, for me it's hard to resist the commenting, but I'm trying.

In the book, referring to a stiff neck working over a small computer in a coffee shop - Sue Bender describes talking about it with a friend.

"You did what most of us do when we're stressed," Mitzi said kindly.
"You self-correct in the wrong direction."

She was right. Even when my computer breaks down and registers overload--with warning signals and blinking lights--I never think to stop and relax for a while. I smile and say "Yes, a message from the Universe"--and push myself  twice as hard.

Resting when exhausted was never on my list of possibilities.
Resting when exhausted is now on my list of possibilities.

Reading these words and hearing the familiar ones come full circle again created streams of tears and heavy sobbs at 4:30am. He is speaking, I am listening. I am speaking, and I feel heard. So, why do I still feel like I'm sitting in the dark with no idea where I'm going or am supposed to be? Is it enough to feel grateful for what I have, and sit in that place for a while? I'm always supposed to be doing something, planning something, looking out for the next thing, anticipating something...but right now I'm just anticipating knowing what that next thing might be. It looks so cloudy up ahead. I can't seem to see where I'm going.

Just to be content just being with Him is something I long for. I know Jesus is on this journey with me, and that He knows the way. I can feel him so close to me. But, I don't have much practice letting someone else drive, not even my Savior. Learning to trust in His radar for my road ahead and not what I see or don't see is what my stuggle is today. I pray for a lifting of the fog, or for a lighted sign ahead to at least give me a clue what road I'm on. I can't see through the fog, it's so thick. So, I'll just take it very slowly for now, until I'm ready to turn over the steering wheel to my copilot.

Music reaches into my soul...

Music soothes the savage beast. It evokes emotion, makes you think, helps you stop thinking, brings out creative juices, helps you relax, or get jazzed up, and drives my kids to jump around the livingroom with air guitars and sunglasses shaking their heads up and down in reverent worship to Miley Sirus. Rythym, notes, beats, harmonies, tones, harmonics, melodies, instruments, vocals, booming percussion, gentle chimes, big strings, little strings, brass, woodwinds, wired or not...it's the world we live in, it's the world we hope to live in, it's art.
I'm so excited for a number of music things that are happening in the twin cities this week. First of all - we signed up for the U2 fanclub and will get a chance to purchase presale tickets for the Mpls concert that was just announced for a date next summer. This is a band with a HUGE following, some rockin rythms, and lyrics with a message of being something other than who they are in this life. Okay, not your typical review...but if you're a fan, you just get it.
I've found my coworkers divided on just how important this concert is for them. Some of them say "I'm going to this concert no matter what it takes," and others wouldn't pay money to stand in a crowded staduim with several thousand screaming fans all singing the same tune. So...why am I so intrigued by this group? What is it about them that calls forth such a global following? Is it their publicity, their content, their outreach and desire to bring awareness of the poor and hungry in this world? Is it just about the music? Bono, the Edge, Larry & Adam have become icons as the Beatles and the Rolling Stones did in the Brittish invasion in the 1960's. Is it they are just "cool." Is it that simple? What makes someone cool?
Rolling Stone magazine has had them on the front cover several times in the past year - not just once. What kind of power does this group get, have, and who or what has granted them this status and strength in the rock-n-roll world? Why do people flock to them in droves and sell out giganto venues all in the name of music? I just love them. Not sure exactly why - but am really facinated by the whole thing of getting caught up in the buzz, the happening, the need to connect to others with similar facination.What's that about?

Second - my favorite radio station in the Twin Cities (Cities 97) is putting out their 21st Cities Sampler with limited live in-studio performances of equally amazing musicians (not as much fan fare) but just as deserving. They only release a limited number of CDs to protect the performers and copyrights - and ALL the money goes to local charities. We've been getting up early one Thursday every November for the past several years and getting in line at Target to get at least one copy, if not the full limit of 2. When I say we, I really mean my husband. I have to get the kids to daycare and school, so since he is more free of distractions that early in the morning, I usually request he get in line at the Target in downtown Mpls at least and hour before they open. The suburban stores sell out in a couple of hours, but the downtown store usually has less of a crowd right away. Last year's 2 CD 20th anniversary set is still one of my favorite compilations of rock that I can hang onto for a long time. I'm excited to plug that CD into my iTunes and wear it out.

Third, Billy McLaughlin - who has become a friend, if I can be so bold to say - is playing solo in Excelsior at one of our favorite venues on Friday night. A tiny little coffee shop by day, and wine bar by night - the 318 Cafe becomes an amazing acoustical room with good creative food (rustic pizzas and savory spring green salads) and amazing desserts (like the best carrot cake I've ever had in my life.) We actually went out there for the first time to specifically see Billy play. We've gone from old time Billy Mac fans to regular groupies at his shows in the Twin Cities, seeing him at least once a month for the past 2 years. Wow - even 3 times in Sept this year as he played at the MN State Fair and a free concert with his band at the Whitebear Lake Township celebration, as well as a formal concert at the Maplewood Community Center Performing Arts Theater - the same place he filmed his DVD Into the Light, the first major concert after his return to the stage.

We've been planning date nights around Billy's acoustic guitar concerts for the last couple of years since his return to performing live. His music never sounds just like the recordings - so a live version is always a treat. The vibration of the reverb in the room as he taps out a synchopated tune on any one of his left-handed strung guitars is a deep soul moving experience for me. It's also a treat when he has enough strength in his right handed playing to give us some older songs. He is gracious to his fans, and very kind to remember names of those who love his music and come to see him. He has many fans, not as many as U2, but many. And, he is humble, and lives from a grateful heart for the gift of his music he knows may be cut short at any time that his dystonia begins to affect his other hand.. As I said to him a while ago - we've been friends with his music since the mid 80's. It only makes sense that we become friends with him...if he lets us. Which, we were able to spend a little back stage time with him in Sept and check out his bus. Becoming friends with some of his friends is also fun, as they are amazing people and show extreme character and talent. Not a combination that comes around often in the music business.
Not many musicians actually respond to email, but on occasion, he'll check back with us. I'm crazy about this guy, and his amazing story of overcoming and pushing through physical distress to find a way to not only enjoy the passion he has for his music, but thrive in it - which is thouroughly who he was created to be. I can't wait to hear some new writing he's working on. I've posted here about Billy before, and I can't say enough good things about this everyday dad of 2 teen boys who travels the country promoting his music passion - and plans to tour to China and India in 2010. We'll miss him here for that time. So...we go again this week to see him perform, get to chat a bit, spend some time with old friends, and sip some wine.

As this rock-n-roll and acoustic guitar fan closes this post...take a moment to think about how music has affected your life. I'm reflecting back to lullabyes as a child, junior high guitar & piano lessons, high school and college choir, and singing in church. I sing to my kids as they drift off in the evening, and I sing loudly in the car to my favorites. I even get up in front of coworkers to shout out Nancy Sinatra songs on Karaoke night.
Lord God, if you are speaking to me in all of this...may I just say "Thank you." I'm really enjoying the gift of loving music that you have given me. I don't take it for granted...and that brings me closer to You. I want to listen more.

Knitted Prayer Shawl

Today a dear friend of mine gave me a hand knitted prayer shawl. It was about a month ago that I mentioned to her that I didn't have one. I was giving one to a friend of mine on the occasion of her mother's memorial service. It's something we've been able to do as a church, simply because we have a lovely group of women who knit and crochet on the second Tuesday of every month in a prayerful setting and donate their handiwork to the church to give away as gifts of love to those who need or want a tangible reminder of God's warm embrace and unending love for them.

What a blessing several weeks ago as she brought in two different colors of blue yarn for me to choose from, and even last week as she asked what kind of edges I wanted on it. I left it up to her, as I really have simply felt honored that she would even do this for me. To pray for me and put her amazing handiwork to this soft (and warm) shawl, that is wrapped around me as I type this now.

The color is a deep royal blue with shades of teal mixed in. I don't remember what color she said was on the package of yarn, but to me it's the color of the sky as I look up to see clouds that remind me of a photographer friend who died last year. Or, the color of the ocean - as I have always loved the way that water speaks to me. I was born in CA which I seem to think has something to do with my love for the ocean and all marine life. Like being imersed in deep water, this shawl takes me deep within my soul to remember the One who gives me life, and breath, and blessings and all things.

I'm blessed by my friend who made this shawl, for her heart to think so much of me and work so hard on something so dear. I am blessed by the way she worked through a tough time in her own family - with parental health issues and travels to be near them, only to come home to officiate a funeral. She stands in the gap of honor by choice. I'm reminded of our choices we make that make differences in the lives of others. What courage to be a person of character, of honor, of love. She did this out of her desire to bless me in a place to recognize who I am in the larger picture of God's Kingdom. Although I work at a church, she chose to give this to me outside of working hours, so I am reminded that it's not about my job...but about who I am.

Why is it so hard for me, sometimes, to remember that God is loving me in the midst of my own failings and my own high expectations of myself? My family doesn't seem to notice the things I do to help them function on a daily basis. I struggle with not hollering at my kids or my husband as they do something that irritates me or nags at my self-righteousness. I don't love them as well as I think I should. I don't love them half as well as I know I can. It's easier to love my friends who blog and leave Facebook status updates...so I can comment to them by electronic words. It's hard to love by washing clothes, cleaning toilets, and raking leaves. It's hard to love by playing catch with my 4 yr old, and reading out loud to my 10 year old. That takes too much energy.
I'm exhausted, emotionally, physically, mentally...and I find that I don't know how to really rest.

And so...once again I find myself grateful for a sweet blue prayer shawl. For tonight, I pray not only for strangers in some brotherhood of military personnel...but I pray for my own family. I pray for my children, and their hearts to know Jesus. I pray for my husband, to find meaning and notice God's amazing love for him, as well. And, I sit peacefully in prayer - in the arms of my Heavenly Father - as He reminds me that it's not about what I do, but about who I am in Him that is love.

Into the Waters

This piece was originally published in our church bi-monthly newspaper, summer of 2008.

http://www.thedoor.org/resources/documents/julaug08_know_web.pdf

Responding to Jesus’ desire that we be baptized.
By Julia Schirmers

The air was crisp that sunny Minnesota morning in July, as I was on my way to Fish Lake to set up for our church baptism service. I paused to reflect, What a glorious way to give your heart and life to Jesus – through an outdoor baptism – surrounded by the glory of creation. We set up the pavilion for the worship service, raked the beach to remove debris, posted signs along the way, and set out rosters, programs, and certificates for the sponsors to sign. Then, we waited. As the worship team set up, the candidates and their families arrived, dressed in swimsuits and t-shirts with towels in hand, ready to enter into the symbolism of what they had already done in their hearts as they prepared for this day.

Upon each baptism event, I reflect back on my own baptism experience as a believer in Christ, and the times I have witnessed and sponsored others. The memories are vivid, and touch me as a way of life. Many who have heard my story have heard me say how much I love witnessing baptisms – the simplicity of the event, the depth of the heart and conviction of the believer, and the way that it proclaims God’s grace and love for us in such a tangible way. It is not only a standard Christian sacrament – a covenant with God – but also a way of living. A mentor of mine says “baptism is a point and a journey.” It’s a day in the life of a believer, but it is also a step toward an eternal life of following Jesus and letting go of our own agenda.

I wasn’t raised in a Christian home, but my parents allowed my brother, sister, and me to attend church with our neighborhood friends. My father was raised in the Roman Catholic tradition, but didn’t share any faith with us. My mother was raised in Japan, where eastern religion teachings left her disillusioned and uncertain of any god. My life was “normal” by societal standards, and I wasn’t really looking for God. I attended Sunday school a couple of times with a friend in second or third grade, and somehow, God found me. Through a gentle, elderly teacher, I experienced the love and acceptance of Jesus. She didn’t place judgment on the fact that my family didn’t own a Bible, or that I had never seen scripture before. But she asked if I could read, and she handed me a small slip of paper with a scripture verse on it. I don’t remember the verse, but I do remember how I felt that day…the day that Jesus captured my heart. I felt accepted, honored, and beloved.

I continued on my journey, somehow always knowing in my heart that Jesus was mine, and I was His. As we moved to the suburbs, I continued to be attracted to people who went to church. In junior high, I regularly attended a Lutheran church with our neighbors and entered into a youth group that offered more than just catechism and social time.

I felt a strong need to be baptized, to publicly declare my desire to follow
Jesus. Once I felt I could comprehend the complete forgiveness of sins, I urged the pastor to baptize me. The pastor and I met and talked about sin, and how baptism isn’t magic but carries with it the deep spiritual unknown that unifies us with Christ in his death, burial, and resurrection through the public profession of our faith. He also said that confirmation was about “confirming the baptism chosen for us by our parents. It’s your own chance to step forward publicly and declare Jesus as Savior.” My parents hadn’t chosen infant baptism for me. I wasn’t feeling good about stepping forward with my peers, just like I was “supposed to” do. I urged him once more to baptize me individually, because I was compelled by Christ’s command to be baptized, and to baptize others in His name. My parents and family attended my baptism in that suburban Lutheran church, and I became a new person in Christ.

Because I am human, I didn’t always follow in His ways. I found myself making poor choices as a teenager and young adult, and yet I still claimed to be a believer. I witnessed some close friends get married, and they chose to be baptized through immersion before their wedding. Their testimony of faith and desire to follow Jesus reminded me of my own baptism, and I rededicated my life to Christ.

But I must continually choose to live apart from my old ways, apart from the ways that cause sin and pain. One of Open Door’s core beliefs says about baptism: “We must choose daily to walk in the life and pattern of Christ rather than in our own strength and desires.”

When I was hired to work at Open Door, I had the privilege of covering administrative details for baptisms. Through circumstances only God could orchestrate, I was able to sponsor a candidate for baptism that Easter, to share my story as well as travel through the preparation process with another soul who longs to pursue the ways of Christ. That candidate and I have remained friends, although our lives carry us away from each other in day-to-day living.

In 2007, my eight-year-old daughter was at a place in her life where she felt a true desire to follow Christ, and she wanted to get baptized. I really wasn’t sure if she was ready, and I poked and prodded her for “the right answer” for several months, because I didn’t want her to make this decision lightly. Was there a right answer, or was it simply that she came to Him with an innocent heart, the faith of a child? Maybe she wanted to declare publicly that her life now belonged to Christ. After a conversation with Pastor Wendy, her dad and I asked her to choose a sponsor, someone who would teach her and help her grow in her faith. We suggested teachers,
friends from church, and family, but I was surprised and delighted when she chose me.

I walked alongside her during Holy Week 2007, and was honored to enter the water to renew my own declaration of faith as well as usher her into this symbol of death to life. She entered the water my daughter and also my sister in Christ. Her faith story is her own, and what a blessing it was for me and my story, to witness and be a part of this time in her life. We walk out our faith together as a family, and as individuals who are deeply and richly loved by Jesus.

A worshipful melody sends us out to the beach, and a circle of believers forms in the water. As each candidate comes forward to be baptized, the sun shines warm. The water is cool and refreshing, and cameras are clicking, trying to capture what will be a symbolic point in these believers’ lives…not only a memory for today, but a life to walk in for eternity.

The Dignity to Give and Receive

Another note from one of my mentors, Henri Nouwen, is below.

I'm learning much about myself as I examine my own responses to those I come into contact with - or actually avoid - who are homeless, holding signs that say "Hungry & Homeless" and who don't have the material things I have. I'm moving towards them, and excited to get behind movies like "The Soloist" and websites like Takepart.com. I've always had a strong internal response about handing out money to those with signs on the side of the road, and it's mostly been "if I give him money, he'll just use it on liquor or drugs or something else." But, with some tools, there are other things I can do - and not necessarily monitarily - to engage in, react positively to, and actually help give dignity to those who are on hard times.

The Dignity to Give and Receive - Henri Nouwen

"Nobody is so poor that he/she has nothing to give, and nobody is so rich that he/she has nothing to receive."
These words by Pope John-Paul II, offer a powerful direction for all who want to work for peace. No peace is thinkable as long as the world remains divided into two groups: those who give and those who receive. Real human dignity is found in giving as well as receiving. This is true not only for individuals but for nations, cultures, and religious communities as well.

A true vision of peace sees a continuous mutuality between giving and receiving. Let's never give anything without asking ourselves what we are receiving from those to whom we give, and let's never receive anything without asking what we have to give to those from whom we receive.

Sad news from MN Zoo

http://www.mnzoo.org/animals/discovery_bay/dolphin_blog.asp

Baby dolphin calf had been eagerly awaited for 12 months. Sadly, she didn't make it. Momma dolphin seems to be doing okay for now. Attempts to breed this species in a zoo will continue, to help populations in the wild through education efforts.

Living Faithfully in an Ambiguous World

A note from Henri Nouwen Society's Daily Meditations 3.27.09

Our hearts and minds desire clarity. We like to have a clear picture of a situation, a clear view of how things fit together, and clear insight into our own and the world's problems. But just as in nature colors and shapes mingle without clear-cut distinctions, human life doesn't offer the clarity we are looking for. The borders between love and hate, evil and good, beauty and ugliness, heroism and cowardice, care and neglect, guilt and blamelessness are mostly vague, ambiguous, and hard to discern.

It is not easy to live faithfully in a world full of ambiguities. We have to learn to make wise choices without needing to be entirely sure.

I love this song...Crazy

Shawn Colvin recorded a Gnarls Barkley cover of Crazy in StudioC at Cities97 last year and put it on one of their year-end samplers that raise money for a variety of charities in the twin cities. Because she has been a favorite of mine for several years...I thought I'd share a favorite tune. The lyrics are a bit controversial...but I think it's really just about trying to be in control in a world where that's not really possible.
What do you think they mean?

Crazy
I remember when, I remember when I lost my mind

There was something so pleasant about that place.
Even your emotions had an echo
And so much space

And when you're out there
Without care,
Yeah, I was out of touch
But it wasn't because I didn't know enough
I just knew too much

Does that make me crazy?
Does that make me crazy?
Does that make me crazy?
Possibly

And those of you are having the time of your life
But think twice,
that's my only advice
Come on now,
who do you, who do you, who do you, who do you think you are,
Ha ha, ha bless mine soul
You really think you're in control

Well, I think you're crazy
I think you're crazy
I think you're crazy
Just like me

My heroes had the heart to lose their lives out on a limb
And all I remember is thinking,
I wanna be like them.
Ever since I was little,
ever since I was little it looked like fun
So it's no coincidence I've come
And I can die when I'm done

But Maybe I'm crazy
Maybe you're crazy
Maybe we're crazy
Probably