Knitted Prayer Shawl

Today a dear friend of mine gave me a hand knitted prayer shawl. It was about a month ago that I mentioned to her that I didn't have one. I was giving one to a friend of mine on the occasion of her mother's memorial service. It's something we've been able to do as a church, simply because we have a lovely group of women who knit and crochet on the second Tuesday of every month in a prayerful setting and donate their handiwork to the church to give away as gifts of love to those who need or want a tangible reminder of God's warm embrace and unending love for them.

What a blessing several weeks ago as she brought in two different colors of blue yarn for me to choose from, and even last week as she asked what kind of edges I wanted on it. I left it up to her, as I really have simply felt honored that she would even do this for me. To pray for me and put her amazing handiwork to this soft (and warm) shawl, that is wrapped around me as I type this now.

The color is a deep royal blue with shades of teal mixed in. I don't remember what color she said was on the package of yarn, but to me it's the color of the sky as I look up to see clouds that remind me of a photographer friend who died last year. Or, the color of the ocean - as I have always loved the way that water speaks to me. I was born in CA which I seem to think has something to do with my love for the ocean and all marine life. Like being imersed in deep water, this shawl takes me deep within my soul to remember the One who gives me life, and breath, and blessings and all things.

I'm blessed by my friend who made this shawl, for her heart to think so much of me and work so hard on something so dear. I am blessed by the way she worked through a tough time in her own family - with parental health issues and travels to be near them, only to come home to officiate a funeral. She stands in the gap of honor by choice. I'm reminded of our choices we make that make differences in the lives of others. What courage to be a person of character, of honor, of love. She did this out of her desire to bless me in a place to recognize who I am in the larger picture of God's Kingdom. Although I work at a church, she chose to give this to me outside of working hours, so I am reminded that it's not about my job...but about who I am.

Why is it so hard for me, sometimes, to remember that God is loving me in the midst of my own failings and my own high expectations of myself? My family doesn't seem to notice the things I do to help them function on a daily basis. I struggle with not hollering at my kids or my husband as they do something that irritates me or nags at my self-righteousness. I don't love them as well as I think I should. I don't love them half as well as I know I can. It's easier to love my friends who blog and leave Facebook status updates...so I can comment to them by electronic words. It's hard to love by washing clothes, cleaning toilets, and raking leaves. It's hard to love by playing catch with my 4 yr old, and reading out loud to my 10 year old. That takes too much energy.
I'm exhausted, emotionally, physically, mentally...and I find that I don't know how to really rest.

And so...once again I find myself grateful for a sweet blue prayer shawl. For tonight, I pray not only for strangers in some brotherhood of military personnel...but I pray for my own family. I pray for my children, and their hearts to know Jesus. I pray for my husband, to find meaning and notice God's amazing love for him, as well. And, I sit peacefully in prayer - in the arms of my Heavenly Father - as He reminds me that it's not about what I do, but about who I am in Him that is love.