Driving in fog

I can’t sleep – and that’s something new for me. For the past few months I find that my body just doesn’t go back to sleep as easily as it always has. So, around 3am I got out of bed, turned on a light in the living room and opened a book that my spiritual direction group facilitator loaned to me a few weeks ago at our last group session. This is a book that she found at a garage sale and has removed the outside illustrated cover so to reveal the simple white paper cover and taped binding with gold letters – “Everyday Sacred” by Sue Bender. As I read it, I find myself relating to her story, and tears are soaking my prayer shawl as I let in words that I know God wants me to hear/read. I am listening…as I do so often.


These are her words in the preface…and I think they describe a little about what’s going on with me.

“For as long as I can remember I have been listening to a harsh critical voice inside me, but I’ve lived with it so long that I never really noticed the influence it was having on my life. I not only listened, I believed what this harsh judge was saying.

The voice passes judgment on everything I do.

“You’re not measuring up!” the judge shouts.

I’m never sure what I am supposed to measure up to, only that I never will.

Nothing I do will ever be enough.

“Don’t complain,” the judge adds, “you have it easy.”

Judging myself harshly for having a harsh judge only makes matters worse. When I try to ignore it, the voice gets louder.

I could have read all the books in the world about showing “loving kindness towards oneself,” but I could do nothing to stop the voice of the judge.

I felt a hunger inside that I didn’t understand and couldn’t satisfy.”

She goes on to tell stories of bowls, begging bowls and monks, and how others around her have taught her by their stories. It's a sweet easy to read book, and I'm already half way through when I just had to write down some of the stuff God is speaking to me about in her story. She talks of clutter, endless paperwork and disorganization. She talks of tea, pots, and impossible lists of things to do. All things I struggle with myself.

I am finding some comfort in knowing that I'm not alone in my stuggles...and in some familiar words and repeated markers from unrelated conversations (unrelated other than I was a part of each of them) that seem to miraculously appear in this book and jump off the page at me!

This is how God has spoken to me in the past. I don't find things "coincidental" by any nature...I think there are patterns in our lives that come full circle and when those circles and patterns intertwine close together, that somehow I should pay attention and get something from what I'm hearing and noticing. There are words in this book that jump - like arrows shot by an expert marksman that fly through the air to hit my heart right on target. Even in just writing that, I feel a connection to another musician friend who titled one of his albums "The archery of guitar." These are the kinds of things that come full circle once again.

The words "self-correct" - are word that were spoken by me in relating to another's story in our spiritual direction group. My facilitator, Karen, took notes and later asked me what I meant by that. I mentioned that it's the first natural instinct to have to stop what I'm doing to prevent myself from hurting another - usually by words. I want to say something, and then I self-correct, so as not to say something that should probably not be said anyhow. I just wish it was in my first nature to rest and pause and not want to say that in the first place. I wish I could rest and trust in the other person enough - and perhaps in myself - to know that they can handle whatever situation they are going to get themselves into. It's kind of like reading through status updates on Facebook and feeling an intense desire to comment on every single post by my most popular friends, because I have so much wisdom and guidance to convey to them. HA! I've self-corrected often on Facebook, and I'll tell you, for me it's hard to resist the commenting, but I'm trying.

In the book, referring to a stiff neck working over a small computer in a coffee shop - Sue Bender describes talking about it with a friend.

"You did what most of us do when we're stressed," Mitzi said kindly.
"You self-correct in the wrong direction."

She was right. Even when my computer breaks down and registers overload--with warning signals and blinking lights--I never think to stop and relax for a while. I smile and say "Yes, a message from the Universe"--and push myself  twice as hard.

Resting when exhausted was never on my list of possibilities.
Resting when exhausted is now on my list of possibilities.

Reading these words and hearing the familiar ones come full circle again created streams of tears and heavy sobbs at 4:30am. He is speaking, I am listening. I am speaking, and I feel heard. So, why do I still feel like I'm sitting in the dark with no idea where I'm going or am supposed to be? Is it enough to feel grateful for what I have, and sit in that place for a while? I'm always supposed to be doing something, planning something, looking out for the next thing, anticipating something...but right now I'm just anticipating knowing what that next thing might be. It looks so cloudy up ahead. I can't seem to see where I'm going.

Just to be content just being with Him is something I long for. I know Jesus is on this journey with me, and that He knows the way. I can feel him so close to me. But, I don't have much practice letting someone else drive, not even my Savior. Learning to trust in His radar for my road ahead and not what I see or don't see is what my stuggle is today. I pray for a lifting of the fog, or for a lighted sign ahead to at least give me a clue what road I'm on. I can't see through the fog, it's so thick. So, I'll just take it very slowly for now, until I'm ready to turn over the steering wheel to my copilot.