I have a friend, a spiritual director, and she's very good at asking deep questions that turn my face back towards God. We don't specifically come together to talk about where God is leading me, but she asked this question today of me in light of the changes and journey that is taking place in me. What does one do when one notices change and recognizes God in their life? Now that you've seen that the Father has been working in you...what do you do with it? Each of us will answer that question differently. What does it mean for me?
There has been a period of time in my life recently where I have noticed much change in myself. In fact, I barely noticed it at first - but thought God was speaking to me differently. As I slowed down long enough to listen to what was going on inside me, and outside me, and took time to notice what God was showing me...I thought that He had begun to speak to me in a new voice. He was speaking and showing me things in ways I had never recognized before. It was jaw-dropping crazy!!
Then, after some time and discussion with others, I began to realize that God hadn't changed. Nor had He changed His ways. Could it be possible that I was the one who was changing? Could it be that I was listening and noticing things in new ways, just as I had prayed for Him to open within me?
Not only could it be possible, but here it was, happening just as I had hoped - and feared.
I've mentioned before that I've grown comfortable sitting in the questions. I was able to strip away all the "things" that I thought "I was" to reveal the real me, the true self, the beloved daughter of the King!! I had let go of my various hats that I wore, those identities that defined who I was as a wife, daughter, co-worker, friend, and yes - even as mother to my two children. I needed to let go of who I was for them, in order to regain my love for them. There was a symbolic letting go that had to take place, so that I could be free to love them once again with new eyes and ears and arms.
I have just recently noticed how getting to the core of who I am as The Beloved, has also not removed those roles that I play - as mom, wife, employee, etc...but each of these roles have now come all around me shining back at me and reflecting the Love of Christ. I can't stop being a mother, but I can get a new perspective. I can't stop loving my husband for who he is, but I can get a new look at who he is becoming. I am done having babies from this body, but that doesn't mean I'm done being a mom.
It's like facets on a carefully cut precious stone...showing windows into the people and relationships that I love...and reflecting back for me how much Jesus loves me, and how God the Father Himself created me for this very moment in time. It's all wrapped up together, intertwined in the nurturing mother that I am identifying in myself. It's not just about my own children, although my relationships with them are certainly part of what's happening here. I feel like there's something else that is emerging...and new birth perhaps somewhere in all of this. Not only am I birthing something new, but I'm caring for and watching over others in relationships.
Not everyone likes a mothering spirit keeping watch over them. Not everyone wants another mother of sorts to stick her nose in their business and get into the problem and find solutions. Many want to find it themselves. Wherin lies the dilemma of balance as I offer up care and compassion.
Friends who have lost earthly mothers completely understand that you never grow too old to need your mother. Dear friends remembering mothers and standing with mothers in health situations realize all too well the important role they play in our lives. As I watch my own mother age and need my help and care in a very different way than when I was growing up, I notice the mother within me is still in need of her loving mother hands and voice. She cared for and nurtured me for all of my life. Whether near or far, she is the one who is always available to me, and always looking out for my best interest.
My questions and wonderings about motherhood bring me back to that multi-faceted precious stone. The relationships that surround me don't define who I am, but rather reflect back to me and out to others who I really am as the Beloved of Christ.
