Some days are really dark

I've been exhausted lately. It's not for staying up late and writing, as you can tell. I actually get to bed at a relatively early time, just after (or before) my kids hit the sack. My body has been feeling the real effects of the emotional stress of my mother's death. My periods stopped the day she went to the hospital by ambulance. I have had issues with this in the past couple of years, and my doctor said everything is normal, but my over 40 age may have something to do with the changes. I have been dealing with debilitating headaches, and panic attacks. I have basically just felt horrible. But, I make it through most days just feeling sad and very run down.

I have been self-centered...and it's been too difficult to care what is going on with Facebook, or with friends who set me off for one thing or another. I have missed my upbeat and happy self. And, how do I put this...I feel that if I don't ever feel better or do the things I used to do...will my friends and family still love me? What is it about me that they love? What is that piece of me that is lovable? Am I lovable? Why would anyone want to love me?

I think I've been generally a bright and cheerful kind of person. I have hope and joy in life, from God, and my faith in Him has never been stronger. But, a recent birthday message from some people from church got me thinking about what they see in me, and I wasn't sure that was the real me. They said sweet loving things, and I just couldn't see myself that way. I see my self as a victim, something terrible has happened to me, and everyone around me should see that! What? Crazy? Of course I am! So crazy I'm unlovable, I'm sure!!! Only a couple of people love me even if I'm crazy, mean, hurtful and demanding. I am just not feeling that lovable.

Scary things set me off. I try to go about a normal day, and anything can trigger a huge emotional response of anger, sadness, despair, fear, and an outright feeling of being out of control. I've been angry that no one cares, no one thinks about me or reaches out to do something amazing for me. I have been caught off guard when someone asks how I'm doing...because all that I can say is that my mom passed away...and they just don't understand! Anything they try to offer is not helpful, because I don't want to hear about their experience with death and grief. I don't want to hear how they handled things. I can barely walk this road alone! And it's all about me, don't they know that?! If someone says something I think is stupid, I tell them straight out, and not in a nice way. It's childish, and foolish, and could be hurting some relationships. But, I want people to look deeper and see the pain and know that I'm hurting. I want others to know that I can't handle all of this pain. I need help, but can't muster enough of anything to ask for help, or even know what kind of help to ask for. I'm desperate, and have no words to say it nicely, so please just love me and hold me, even if you, too, are in pain or stress.

My dear friend mentioned something to me the other day that really struck me. A couple of years ago, when she was in the months immediately after a miscarriage, she was feeling the depths of despair and the grief was so dark. She cried all the time, and felt bad for not being able to snap out of it. She felt bad for counting the days until her due date, and every marker in the year after. She argued and disagreed with her counselor who told her to forget about the dates on the calendar. But, she told me that she remembered something very clearly that I had said to her. And...I barely remember saying it. She said, "I remember very clearly you were weeding the garden on the outside of the fence, and I was sitting next to you in a lawn chair and my daughter was in her stroller eating a snack." "Do you remember what you told me?" she asked. I said no. She said, "You told me to give myself permission to grieve."

I guess that's really how I've been feeling. I'm so much in pain, missing my mom, who was a HUGE part of my every day life. Every daily routine from waking up waiting for a phone call from her, to middle of the day when she would pick up the mail and call me to ask me to stop over to look at something she just got and didn't understand, to going out for coffee or breakfast or lunch with her. Those every day happenings are still shadows in my current life...and for a while it landed so hard on my heart and soul that I thought I'd never get out of the darkness. I struggled to see clearer, and move beyond the pain, but absolutely had no energy whatsoever to do that. I could barely make dinner for the kids, or get up to go to work. My days and nights are still like this. The dark is so dark, that I can't see anything!

Perhaps the time since her death has been so full of personally emotional markers already. Her birthday, my son's birthday, Valentine's Day, my birthday...etc. Yes, the dark is dark. But, there is more to the story, and there is light in the darkness...somewhere.