Metaphor for my life - my full plate.

Does the dessert plate still look and taste good even if you're dinner plate is too full - and you're still chewing on the meal? I tell my kids they don't get to have dessert if they don't finish their main meal. I remember when I was a little kid my dad telling me that there were starving children in other countries and I should be grateful for the food on my plate. I am reminded of that fact every day - watching images from my friend's mission trip to Haiti as he sends them back to us via his iPhone.


I ran into a friend at church on Sunday and mentioned a little of what I'm hoping for this summer. She said - "Oh I get it...this is the dessert plate!" I loved that thought. What am I thinking? Picking up a dessert plate in the middle of a meal? But, the metaphor is getting bigger by the minute.

I'm totally engaged with my work right now - without much room for moving around in it. That's only the main course on my plate. I feel like I'm carrying the pack mule -instead of the other way around. Not quite sure why...but deadlines are fast approaching and my intense focus is required to stay into any one project of the 5 or 6 things I feel I'm carrying...that I'm unable to multitask as I often do. I'm used to dropping things here and there - but able to pick them back up again at any moment to complete and follow through. Lately, I am dropping things...and forgetting about picking them up, and that's not good. People around me have needed to remind me about unfinished projects. Ugh! I need help knowing which balls are rubber balls that will bounce, and which ones are glass and will break. I don't want to break glass balls, whatever...and yet, that's what I feel I may be doing. Not intentionally...but the fear of doing just that is causing nervousness and tension. I constantly think about what the future will hold - what does my schedule for tomorrow look like? What will I do on vacation next week? What will I feed the kids for breakfast? For dinner? etc. I hate living in the future - because I'm missing out on the present moment.

My family feels like a glass ball. It's the veggies on my plate. Something I enjoy, fresh and colorful, but also something that I have to do because it's good for me. Tonight, I got terribly angry at my 5-yr-old son. I turned on the outdoor hose to fill a watering can and as I went around to water the plants - my son grabbed the hose and sprayed his sister. I said "put it down." and he obediently obliged. I then proceeded to the front of the house to water the rest of the plants - and he picked up the hose once again and this time sprayed the house (windows I had just cleaned this weekend) and the porch where my work laptop was sitting plugged into an outdoor outlet. I got so angry - I went right up to him, grabbed the hose and sprayed him top to bottom with water. His clothes now soaking wet, we marched into the house  - into the bathtub - kicking and screaming that he was cold. I got him into the tub with some firm words...and a dirty look from my husband. I was hoping the water would send a message. He obviously sent one to me! Play mom! Don't worry about things, mom! I'm a boy, and I just want to have a little fun! But, I was so wrapped up in the thought of the future house guests we're expecting this weekend, and how I need to redo the work of cleaning the windows - that it was just enough to send me reeling! I had no patience - I had to calm or freedom to enjoy the moment with him. I was a slave to my own fears, my adult brain - the one that plans in advance and must be in control.

Next are the staples on my plate  - the potatoes, rice, bread...the fiber and whole grains that give essential nutrients and life for the long haul. This is part of my God-given gift of mercy, compassion, intercession and relationship. I have a friend lying in ICU tonight. I'm afraid we're losing her to the nasty cancer that had invaded her body several years ago and has returned in the past week. Also, one of my long-time prayer warriors died last week. Pat was a dear woman, who asked for a staff directory so she could pray and meditate on the names of those who lead her church. She was a sweet little white-haired gal who was baptized in the lake one summer at the age of 74. She had an amazing story of life and love...and although I didn't know her intimately, I will miss her. This weekend also marks the two year anniversary of the death of my friend, Julie; whose tragic death on the Temperance River was a story of bravery, and innocence. She was my lunch buddy, my dear friend who befriended everyone she met and made them feel like the most important person in the whole world. She was an amazing friend. I miss her terribly. My heart aches for these women tonight. I can hardly stand it. But, it's this burden I carry to the cross - to let Jesus hold these women in His arms...so I can simply intercede for the one who is still here, that her heart be comforted, and her body be healed - if even after this life. My heart feels like it's damaged. I need to be healed - as only Jesus can do.

So...anything extra I want to do this summer - like helping out a friend with his business - feels like a fun project...a dessert plate. Perhaps some minimal nutritional value - but definitely something for the soul! Something not on my current plate - something chocolaty and decadent. Hmmm...eat dessert first? Not terribly responsible or "right" but definitely a thought for what I want. But...what do I do with all the other stuff on my plate? Can I get through the stuff on my current plate in time to still eat dessert? What if I take less of the stuff on my main plate - would that help? What if I move some of it to another plate - or save some for another meal time? Should I still eat the dessert? What if I eat all of my main meal and then I'm just too full that the dessert doesn't even taste good anymore? Will I be able to save it for another treat time?

Lord, I am asking for your help as you guide me. I no longer feel your presence, but my mind and your word tells me you're still here. I will continue to seek you until I can see, hear or feel you near me. I find myself wrapped up in a future I have no control over and know nothing about. I speculate and plan, wonder and imagine, guess and maneuver - and need some real reminders to stay present to the stuff around me, the day to day life of being a wife, mother, worker, and friend. Help me to stay grounded in your word, your example of living in God's love, and to stay in the here and now. I need you, Jesus, please be near me.

Facelift

My blog looks a little different tonight. The bright lights shining from behind...with what do I see before me?
My life. 

Thanks to Blogger's new template designer...I'm trying a few different new looks. Not sure which one - or several I'll try on for size...but this is I'm landing on for right now. I'll bet it won't stay this way.

It's like trying on shoes. The right pair of shoes can really make a whole outfit - or completely ruin it.
Tell me what you think.

The deathless dream

"we need a renaissance of wonder. we need to renew, in our hearts & in our souls, the deathless dream, the eternal poetry, the perennial sense that life is miracle & magic."
e. merrill root

This quote was borrowed from www.juliesteiskal.com. My friend, Julie, died two years ago on the evening of  June 25, 2008. That day was a pivotal day in my life...a day I will never forget, nor do I want to return to. Although I do return to it often in my memories.  That day felt like the start of a series of events that changed my life forever. I never would have imagined my life as it is now - back on that day. I never would have imagined the places that God has taken me, the things I would be doing, working with the people that I am working with, living in the house I live in, and enjoying gardening as much as I do. I'm still working at church, but in a different capacity, a different era, a different place spiritually. There are different people in place, different departments, different projects, different life stories.

If I look back on my life, I do realize that there have been other significant markers in my life that I never would have dreamed of before. My children, my life with my husband, my parents' health issues, my financial situation...all of these things have had places to mark beginnings and endings.

And, I know that my future is full of amazing wonderful things. I can feel it. I am recapturing that deathless dream. That something inside me that has been a seed planted long ago. A seed that is germinating now, after a long cold winter of life...and it's just now beginning to open and push the green possibilities up from beneath. Still so new. Still so tender and fragile. But, hopeful of a full life with a colorful bloom...in the summer of life.

This is a time in my life when the sacred past, sacred present and sacred future are all converging in one place. What is this place in my life? How did I get here, and where am I going? Wondering and waiting has never tasted so sweet or been so interesting to me  - well, not for a very long time. I guess that's why I am awake for now. I am grateful.

Romans 8:24-27

For in this hope we were saved. But hope that is seen is no hope at all. Who hopes for what he already has? But if we hope for what we do not yet have, we wait for it patiently.
In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groans that words cannot express. And he who searches our hearts knows the mind of the Spirit, because the Spirit intercedes for the saints in accordance with God's will. - NIV

I really want to write...

but I can't. I'm exhausted, and the extrovert me did a lot of talking today...thus processing my thoughts. I really want to write about the birds, eggs, nests and other thoughts that screamed in my head today as I shared my last blog entry with a dear friend. She, too, was seeing herself in the nest - but in a different way. We seem to be travelling parralel paths. I just wish I knew what was at the end...but then again, let it be a surprise.

I'm not waiting by the phone, but a friend of mine said he'd call this week to talk about an opportunity for me. I'm pretty excited, partly because I'm a huge fan of his, but mostly because I'm feeling God calling me to something new. It's not quite the momma bird calling her fledgling out of the nest to come and get the food and learn how to fly...but almost a push from behind like a mother eagle does to her young. Then, as she swoops beneath them to carry them back up in the air, they drop again like a rock, and she's right there to swoop them up again to try again until they get the strength in their wings. Almost feels like bungee jumping. Wonder if I'm ready to take the leap - or how much more wing strengthening I'm going to need before I'm ready to leave the nest.

Okay...so I guess I did have something to say. Goodnight my friends. I'll be back again.

The birds nest

As I pulled weeds and filled mulch in the front garden yesterday, I saw a broken egg about the size of my pinky finger, lying in the weeds. It either fell from the tree or some animal carried it there. Broken open, contents not completely devoured by the elements or a predator, it became fertilizer for my flowers…as I buried it under the dirt, and lay mulch on top of it. The symbol of the egg brought new imagination to me once again as I await what God has in store for me.

Some call it “limbo” or “transition” a threshold into another place…but I call it fog. Not a foggy mind, where things aren’t clear…but a safe covering of something, like a veil that has yet to be pulled back, like the inside of an egg. Not a cocoon, as I’m not sure I’ve spun this one on my own, but a place of rebirth, a place where unknown newness lays.

At the end of my season in my last spiritual direction group – I felt a need to choose a gift for each gal in my group. I found some small trinkets at a shop in town; things that spoke a little about each story that was shared during our 9 months together.  I chose a small votive holder with tea light for each one, and the artwork on the outside was unique to their story – birds, swans on a lake, and an uplifting message about persistence. Also, I chose a special one that sent a message about listening for our facilitator.

As I chose these gifts for my companions, I chose something special for myself…

A small bird’s nest with three tiny green eggs sat quietly on a shelf of the store, and spoke new life into my troubled journey. These eggs are the same size as the one I saw on the ground. The symbol of new life, motherhood, home, comfort, rough places, unknown waiting, and hope filled my thoughts – and my heart filled with expectation. I brought the nest back to my office, and it sits on the shelf where I look upon my life. It’s out of the way, so as not to distract me from getting my daily work done. But today, for some reason, I brought it down right in front of my computer.

Something alive is stirring in me, and it’s like the soft shell of a bird’s egg that is just ready to start pecking it open from the inside out. These eggs sit quietly now…but when the time is right, the hope of new life is going to push its way into reality.