Cautiously responding

Recently, I find myself second guessing how others feel about me and how they perceive my intentions. Here's an example.

I have some friends who have said they really need an administrative assistant, and that's something I'm really good at. Now, I'm not ready to leave my full time job that is a really good fit for me right now. But...I am excited about being able to help others out with details that come easily to me. I have many gifted artists who tell me they would give anything to be more detailed, and I tend to surround myself with both people and task driven people. I am resourceful, I am detailed, and I care for my friends in a unique way.

I am currently trying to contract out my services - sort of on a consulting basis. So...I create a simple spreadsheet, or I establish a template job description for a friend's business, and I get to do what I do best. But, I'm afraid that by volunteering to help, or by assuming they don't already have something like this, that I'm jumping to conclusions, and they could be bothered by how forward I am coming across.

My husband tells me that it's not forward, it's just being helpful. He also says that if they are friends, it's okay to test the waters and see if what I have is indeed helpful to them. Who knows if this may lead to opportunities to expand and diversify my talents.

I do not like to assume that people like me, or that they want to spend time with me...especially if it's someone that is really busy - and they have a very full plate. I don't want to get in the way of how others need to work in their business, because it's their business after all. I do want to be helpful, but tend to be bashful and humbled by any attention I am given in regards to how I like to help. But, this carefulness seems to be getting in the way of real relationships that can be helpful to both my friends and myself. I think I need to check my baggage at the door, and step more boldly into these relationships. I just don't know what it will take to be more confident of not only my abilities, but of my character as well.

My spiritual director emailed me the other day. Said she was thinking of me as she read these words, and that God is already at work, even before we begin our monthly group sessions together.  It read:
                       May you respond to the call of your gift and find the courage to follow its path!
So...I wonder, what gift? Or...should I say which gift? When will this path become clear? 

At first response, I smiled and laughed...and then the words sunk in deep like it was speaking to something deeper in my soul. The tears began to stream down, and it felt like I was being directly spoken to by God. 

If you know me recently, you also know that I've been in a strange place of discovery. I'm intrigued by the way I feel God has spoken to me in the past, and how I'm experiencing His voice very differently now. I wonder how it feels to really step into my giftings - and if this is how I am to answer the call. I don't even know that's what this is, but it feels like it is. 

Learning to trust my own gut instinct, and the knowledge that is in my head...that is something new. Something I have been too careful about, and so in my caution, I think I have missed some opportunities. 

Here's to stepping out boldly - taking some good risks - and stretching to actually grow in what I think I can do well in the future. Not just relying on what I've been able to do well in the past.  Lord, I ask you to press into me what is real, true, and that which will grow me to do as you call.

twenty-seven months have passed

trying to fill the space in my head where you used to sit. it's way early in the morning hours and i have yet to sleep. you must still be here with me, or i'd be resting and not thinking about you again.
my body is achy and tired, and my mind knows the best solution for those physical pains, but somehow the memory of twenty seven months ago when i last saw you lingers in my thoughts now.

trouble and difficulty will be manifested and twisted as i move through my day. sipping on hot caffeine and downing ibuprofen to remove the throbbing soreness in the temples of my brain. simple medical solutions to the grief and pain. it's not searing pain as it once was...but lingering and somehow strangely familiar.

when does the loss begin to feel less of a loss and more of a memory? i wonder often if your sails are open or closed as you move through eternity. i long for home, the place where you are. i long for that familiar gaze, scent, touch, voice to call out to the deep longing within me. you encouraged me. you comforted me. you made a difference to me. i can only hope to do the same with those around me as i continue to move through life on this planet without you as a traveling companion.

i think about your family, your friends, the many others who knew and loved you. the many others who didn't know you but know and care for your friends and family. how does this tragedy bring healing? you touched so many lives in similar ways. how do they experience your death? just as i do?

differently than i?

when will the grief stop being painful and cease my sleeplessness? when will i be able to fully release you into the care of our creator? when will i halt from writing down the thoughts of you that haunt my inner soul?
i love you, my sister in christ. i love you my friend. and love does not cease. even in grief.

my children, my spouse, and those dear to me now...they know my grief, they see it, they remember it affects me, and they are the ones to now comfort me and encourage me.
it doesn't make me forget, or feel less discomfort over the tragedy that pulled you from this world and into the next. but, it does remind me that life is about living and being alive. and since i'm still here, perhaps i am charged to do just that. and to help others do what they can with the lives they, too, have been given.

for those in pain and suffering places here on earth, what does it mean to them? is their hurt as deep? deeper? what must the heart of our god say to that? he must, too, be reaching towards something. i pray and hope that god listens and hears my prayers as lyrical pieces of music to his ears. that is all that i can reach for tonight. a bit of acoustic healing.

acousticjulia

You can find me on twitter with the name acousticjulia. Because I'm a lover of music, and I desperately and peacefully try to hear God clearly...I felt this to be an appropriate moniker.

a·cous·tic  (-kstk)

adj. also a·cous·ti·cal (-st-kl)

1. Of or relating to sound, the sense of hearing, or the science of sound.

2.

a. Designed to carry sound or to aid in hearing.

b. Designed to absorb or control sound: acoustic tile.

3. Music

a. Of or being an instrument that does not produce or enhance sound electronically: an acoustic guitar; an acoustic bass.

b. Being a performance that features such instruments: opened the show with an acoustic set.

n. Music

An acoustic instrument.

Class reunion

Sorry to be so cynical...just being real here. I took the time and actually got excited to see a few old friends at my 25th high school class reunion last night, and what would you know but we struggled to hear each other over the amazingly loud voices and music in the room with thick walls where every drop jumped right back at you. Out of a class of 506 students, 125 had said they'd be there. Then, add several who didn't show and several who showed up anyways...and we had quite a mix of classmates. Some who knew each other well, and others who had lost touch over the past several years. Again, others like me who haven't connected with anyone from the class for the entire 25 years. In fact, I barely remember most of these people. Funny how our paths crossed before, but we're strangers in a new time.

It was just what I expected, so-so food, 80's music, crazy photographer trying to get our group shot, and also a shot of each junior high and elementary school group possible. I found that piece to be a little weird, since I actually went to three different elementary schools, and not sure I remember many of the folks there. I had hoped to see a few more familiar faces, but some people looked so different that I barely recognized them.
A friend of mine since junior high didn't look like I remembered at all...but then when she said my name with that voice and inflection - it was definitely memorable - and it was like we were right back there again.

One weird thing that I felt while I was there was how several of my old classmates reminded me of people in my current life. I found Karin reminded me of Deb. Lisa reminded me of Robin. Jane reminded me of Jan. Theresa reminded me of Tracy. It was like being in some Twilight Zone episode.
The guys didn't remind me of anyone currently, and perhaps having my husband with me - who also graduated from the same school just a year ahead of me, was a solid point of grounding. It helped me to keep hold of reality, while I was moving through a strange surreal experience. All the old converging with memories of the new. Like I was going through some weird time machine - back and forth - and back again.

Several people told me how good I looked, and how I was easy to recognize since I looked the same as in high school. One friend mentioned that I looked "good" and I said it must be all the clean living. He said that must be why he looks like crap - all that not-so-clean living. His wife was there with him that night. I'm not quite sure what has come of them...but it was interesting to just stay so far on the surface with so many people and not be able to dive in deeper with people and tell them what I'm doing or what I care most about.

I felt a bit connected, and yet completely unconnected all at the same time. It was really weird. Right down to the pushy photographer that just wanted to sell his photos to each classmate. And, the live music wasn't bad...but just plain hard to hear in that very loud room. There were only a few that I felt really wanted to get to know more about me, and that I cared to get to know more about as well. I was somewhat self-centered that night - and I suppose that colors my experience as well.

Dear class of 1985...keep your leg warmers and Zubas - and give me some Prince, Eric Clapton & U2. I'll keep the handful of friends who actually care about building relationships now...and will choose not to see the rest for another five to ten to fifteen years if we live that long. Sorry to be so cynical...just being real here.