twenty-seven months have passed

trying to fill the space in my head where you used to sit. it's way early in the morning hours and i have yet to sleep. you must still be here with me, or i'd be resting and not thinking about you again.
my body is achy and tired, and my mind knows the best solution for those physical pains, but somehow the memory of twenty seven months ago when i last saw you lingers in my thoughts now.

trouble and difficulty will be manifested and twisted as i move through my day. sipping on hot caffeine and downing ibuprofen to remove the throbbing soreness in the temples of my brain. simple medical solutions to the grief and pain. it's not searing pain as it once was...but lingering and somehow strangely familiar.

when does the loss begin to feel less of a loss and more of a memory? i wonder often if your sails are open or closed as you move through eternity. i long for home, the place where you are. i long for that familiar gaze, scent, touch, voice to call out to the deep longing within me. you encouraged me. you comforted me. you made a difference to me. i can only hope to do the same with those around me as i continue to move through life on this planet without you as a traveling companion.

i think about your family, your friends, the many others who knew and loved you. the many others who didn't know you but know and care for your friends and family. how does this tragedy bring healing? you touched so many lives in similar ways. how do they experience your death? just as i do?

differently than i?

when will the grief stop being painful and cease my sleeplessness? when will i be able to fully release you into the care of our creator? when will i halt from writing down the thoughts of you that haunt my inner soul?
i love you, my sister in christ. i love you my friend. and love does not cease. even in grief.

my children, my spouse, and those dear to me now...they know my grief, they see it, they remember it affects me, and they are the ones to now comfort me and encourage me.
it doesn't make me forget, or feel less discomfort over the tragedy that pulled you from this world and into the next. but, it does remind me that life is about living and being alive. and since i'm still here, perhaps i am charged to do just that. and to help others do what they can with the lives they, too, have been given.

for those in pain and suffering places here on earth, what does it mean to them? is their hurt as deep? deeper? what must the heart of our god say to that? he must, too, be reaching towards something. i pray and hope that god listens and hears my prayers as lyrical pieces of music to his ears. that is all that i can reach for tonight. a bit of acoustic healing.