What do you really want?

I was going to entitle this post "What are you hungry for?" but then realized a recent post was about hunger. Maybe there's a theme here, but in the deepest thoughts about famine and hunger, I come home tonight to another growling in my belly. An urge to nibble on a snack sends me to the fridge to look around.There's not much that I wanted in there, except a package of uncooked chocolate chip cookie dough and milk. I resisted, and went to the cupboard instead for some vanilla wafers and a cup of hot water.

As I picked up a few things off the floor, folded a couple of items of clothing, and then turned on the light and picked up a book - I was amazed by the selection of books that were on my nightstand. All four books that I've been grabbing snippets from for quite some time...but they have to do with my spiritual journey. Not just any journey, but one of listening and asking (praying) and of finding rhythms in spiritual practices of meditation, fasting, and rest.

And so tonight I picked up the first book, "Talking to God" by Naomi Levy. This book of common daily prayers for joy, sadness, struggle and celebration helps me to realize all the many people in my life - friends, family, strangers...who I have been praying for, but without the words that I wish I had. Here, I found prayers for my friend who just had a baby, for my friends who are caring for ill and aging parents, for parents who want to pray for their children, and with their children, and prayers for my own inability to pray.

My cup of water was boiling in the microwave, and so I grabbed it and sat down with another book. I picked up "Life of the Beloved" by Henri Nouwen - one of my favorite books of all. Tonight the subtitle "spiritual living in a secular world" struck me differently than I ever remember hearing it. So, I opened a section that I know I have read before. But this time, my prayers for listening ears, open eyes, and my soul wide open to listen to the whispers of God were answered. I read the prologue and it jumped out at me as if it was what God was and is trying to say to me! While closing an interview with a young journalist Nouwen writes:

"What do you really want?" I asked.
"I want to write a novel...but I'll never be able to do it."
"Is this something you really want?" I asked. He looked at me with surprise on his face and said with a smile, "Yes, it is,...but I'm also afraid because I've never written a novel, and maybe I don't have what it takes to be a novelist."
"How will you find out?" I asked.
"Well, I probably won't ever be able to find out. You need time, money, and most of all, talent, and I don't have any."
By now I had become angry at him, at society, and, to some degree, at myself for letting things just be as they are. I felt a strong urge to break down all these walls of fear, convention, social expectations and self-deprecation, and I blurted out,
"Why don't you quit your job and write your novel?"
"I can't," he said...I kept pushing him,"If you really want it, you can do it. You don't have to be the victim of time and money." At this point, I realized that I had become involved in a battle I was determined to win. He sensed my intensity and said, "Well, I'm just a simple journalist, and I guess I should be content with that."
"No, you shouldn't," I said. "You should claim your deepest desire and do what you really want to do...time and money aren't the real issue."
"What is?" he asked.
"You are," I answered. "You have nothing to lose. You are young, full of energy, well trained...Everything is possible for you...Why let the world squeeze you in?...Why become a victim? You are free to do what you want - if, that is, you really want it!"

That's when it hit me. "What do I want?" I've been so busy for so long, spending so much of my time praying for others, thinking about how to care for my family and others, that I have put aside asking for my own needs so long that I don't even know what I want anymore. Thinking about this, my heart leaped and tears began to well up in my eyes. Could it be possible that I don't even know what my dream is? I don't even know what I would want for myself and those around me.
"You should claim your deepest desire and do what you really want to do...time and money aren't the real issue."

So I asked myself out loud to God - "What do I want?" and, he said "That's what I've been asking you for some time now!" "You are following me around like a lost puppy, but I'm ready to lead you to a new calling, something I have been preparing you for. Stop shuffling around with your eyes on the ground and look up and out to what is in store. Look up to the possibilities of a new day!"
Our church has been in a season studying the book of Colossians - and the Message translation has exactly the words I needed tonight to realize the connection to what I'm experiencing.

I still am not sure what I want, but I'm going to pray and ask God to reveal to me what it is that is the deepest desires of my heart. If I believe that the desires of my heart have been planted there by God himself, if I know what they are, maybe then I can begin to wonder about what it would take to get me there, and what I would have to take off from my current self to put on the armor of Christ. I believe I am close to getting words around what I'm experiencing. Tonight's revelation for me sheds a little more light on this season of life. Stay tuned...and be sure to ask if you want to know more.