Hurt feelings

My sister is visiting from Seattle this weekend, and she's staying with my brother and his family. I love my sister and brother very much, but we are not close. We don't talk very often, not even by phone or text. This past week we have had extended family in town to visit, and that has brought my sister to visit for the second time in 11 years. The previous time was just three years ago.


A week or two before my sister arrived, she called to say she had a full agenda of things to do, "because mom won't do anything to entertain [our family] so we have to...and I have some things that I want to do while I'm in town, and I don't care if anyone else wants to come with me or not, but these are the things I want to do." Okay...now the rest of this is my paraphrase...but this is how I heard the incredibly long monologue..."on Thursday I'll stop at the store on my way from the airport and get some groceries, and we can have a barbeque at mom's house with everyone. Then, on Friday I'm going to the Mall of America, and anyone can come with or not. Then on Friday night we should take mom out to someplace where there is live music that she would like so we can all be together, do you think there is anyplace like that with music that she will like and everyone can come - but they don't have to - and then Saturday [my brother] and I are going up to see Dad for the day and you guys can come with, I know Dad would like that. Then, Saturday night I thought we'd make homemade sushi, so can you find a place to get some fresh fish so we can do that? Then, Sunday I'm going home in the afternoon so we can visit a little then."

Wow...even just writing that winded me. I was speechless. I didn't know what to say. She just completely overwhelmed me with her agenda, and no concern for the plans that anyone else may have had - or the fact that I have little kids and some things are not family friendly - so I'd have to pay for a babysitter to watch my kids.

She is the middle child, I the oldest, and my brother the last. They say that birth order has a lot to do with personality, and I can see that in many cases, but I also believe that people can change and become and grow into the true person that they were originally meant to be. I believe that I have changed a lot in the past 25 years since I graduated from high school, and that my years in college, in the working world, and as a wife and mother has changed who I am and how I relate to people. I also believe that my faith in Christ has changed how I see the world and that I try to be much more gentle and kind to those around me. However...somehow I didn't feel so kind and gentle to her or my family last evening.

http://www.incourage.me/2010/07/say_what.html
This article is from a blog I follow that pretty much says what I've been feeling. I feel like I've stuck my foot in my mouth, but mostly because I've felt like the person I think I am now is not who my siblings think I am.  Again, we aren't close. And, it's been rather difficult to get to know each other on a deeper one-on-one level mostly because of distance and busyness of our lives. My feelings were hurt by a perception that my sister voiced to me last night...assuming that I believed the same thing about myself. But, I don't see myself as any better, smarter, prettier, or "the favorite"..as she seems to think. I felt like all of those things were a bad thing by the way she made the comment. I was a scholar and good student in high school. That doesn't necessarily make me more intelligent than other siblings just because that's who she remembers me to be 25 years ago. In fact, I took it as an insult. That one perception is all that she sees, and doesn't care to know who I am today. Ouch...I hope I don't treat others that way. I also hope that she sees and can someday realize how each of us is gifted and talented in our own way, and that God has created each of us to be uniquely different.

Lord, be with me today, and teach me the words to say that will uplift and heal, not tear down and hurt.

Beautiful

I lost a dear friend two weeks ago to a nasty disease that eats away at flesh, bones, blood, mind, and conscience. Today would have marked her 44th birthday. I am so saddened by the madness that is what remains now. But, I am also keenly aware of how she has affected me these past two growing seasons. You see, Michele was a gardener. It's one thing we had in common, besides a faith in God, loving friends who know how to share a salad, and a love for all things beautiful. She was my inspiration for veggie gardening, for working in the perennials, and for getting out and weeding as often as I could.

Michele worked on staff with us at church, and walked through a very painful time of grief with all of us as we mourned the tragic death of another friend and coworker almost two years ago. She worked as facilities personnel, the only gal on a huge team of men who take care of the building and grounds of our church. She cleaned bathrooms, planted perennials, and lead the team that decorated for Christmas, Easter, and other special holidays. Along with her life partner, her husband Terry, they made an amazing team. The intense love they have for each other will never die. He journeyed the short road of life with her as they brought three amazing kids into the world and ushered them into adulthood. They did so much of everything together, and walked through cancer surgery, treatments, and pain management as well. This past year has been very tough, and the pain management was just about all they could do. She was not ready for hospice, she was not ready for not being at church. I last saw her in person a couple weeks ago at church, and she looked tired, slightly hunched over from the cancer in the bones of her back and hips, and no longer had the beautiful brunette mane she carried so wistfully with the amazing genuine smile. She was beginning to feel the effects of the end, but we didn't know that then.

Her life on earth is over, but her life lives on in the memories of those who loved her, her children, her husband, her parents and siblings, and her friends. Michele's gift of hospitality, her gift for leaving beauty in her wake is a gift she leaves for all of us. Her quiet gentle spirit had just enough spunk in her to say the most out of character kinds of things...and to make others smile.  I miss you, Michele.

Happy Freedom Day, America

I love Independence Day, Freedom Day, America's birthday...July 4, 1776. What a great anniversary to celebrate annually with fireworks, barbecue and friends and family.
I also care deeply for the military families in America - the sacrifice they make in sending their family members across the globe in the name of Freedom. Thank you!

I hope you get to enjoy your freedom today, as I am doing right in the middle of my two week vacation from work. It's not been much of a vacation...in fact we're refinishing the deck on our American dream. But, feeling grateful that we get to own a home, live in this great country - despite it's crazy dysfunctional politics and systems, and publicly share my thoughts, feelings, and religious transformation on the internet anytime I want to.

Enjoy the day...and look for your moments in light in the fireworks tonight. I'll be there. 

Metaphor for my life - my full plate.

Does the dessert plate still look and taste good even if you're dinner plate is too full - and you're still chewing on the meal? I tell my kids they don't get to have dessert if they don't finish their main meal. I remember when I was a little kid my dad telling me that there were starving children in other countries and I should be grateful for the food on my plate. I am reminded of that fact every day - watching images from my friend's mission trip to Haiti as he sends them back to us via his iPhone.


I ran into a friend at church on Sunday and mentioned a little of what I'm hoping for this summer. She said - "Oh I get it...this is the dessert plate!" I loved that thought. What am I thinking? Picking up a dessert plate in the middle of a meal? But, the metaphor is getting bigger by the minute.

I'm totally engaged with my work right now - without much room for moving around in it. That's only the main course on my plate. I feel like I'm carrying the pack mule -instead of the other way around. Not quite sure why...but deadlines are fast approaching and my intense focus is required to stay into any one project of the 5 or 6 things I feel I'm carrying...that I'm unable to multitask as I often do. I'm used to dropping things here and there - but able to pick them back up again at any moment to complete and follow through. Lately, I am dropping things...and forgetting about picking them up, and that's not good. People around me have needed to remind me about unfinished projects. Ugh! I need help knowing which balls are rubber balls that will bounce, and which ones are glass and will break. I don't want to break glass balls, whatever...and yet, that's what I feel I may be doing. Not intentionally...but the fear of doing just that is causing nervousness and tension. I constantly think about what the future will hold - what does my schedule for tomorrow look like? What will I do on vacation next week? What will I feed the kids for breakfast? For dinner? etc. I hate living in the future - because I'm missing out on the present moment.

My family feels like a glass ball. It's the veggies on my plate. Something I enjoy, fresh and colorful, but also something that I have to do because it's good for me. Tonight, I got terribly angry at my 5-yr-old son. I turned on the outdoor hose to fill a watering can and as I went around to water the plants - my son grabbed the hose and sprayed his sister. I said "put it down." and he obediently obliged. I then proceeded to the front of the house to water the rest of the plants - and he picked up the hose once again and this time sprayed the house (windows I had just cleaned this weekend) and the porch where my work laptop was sitting plugged into an outdoor outlet. I got so angry - I went right up to him, grabbed the hose and sprayed him top to bottom with water. His clothes now soaking wet, we marched into the house  - into the bathtub - kicking and screaming that he was cold. I got him into the tub with some firm words...and a dirty look from my husband. I was hoping the water would send a message. He obviously sent one to me! Play mom! Don't worry about things, mom! I'm a boy, and I just want to have a little fun! But, I was so wrapped up in the thought of the future house guests we're expecting this weekend, and how I need to redo the work of cleaning the windows - that it was just enough to send me reeling! I had no patience - I had to calm or freedom to enjoy the moment with him. I was a slave to my own fears, my adult brain - the one that plans in advance and must be in control.

Next are the staples on my plate  - the potatoes, rice, bread...the fiber and whole grains that give essential nutrients and life for the long haul. This is part of my God-given gift of mercy, compassion, intercession and relationship. I have a friend lying in ICU tonight. I'm afraid we're losing her to the nasty cancer that had invaded her body several years ago and has returned in the past week. Also, one of my long-time prayer warriors died last week. Pat was a dear woman, who asked for a staff directory so she could pray and meditate on the names of those who lead her church. She was a sweet little white-haired gal who was baptized in the lake one summer at the age of 74. She had an amazing story of life and love...and although I didn't know her intimately, I will miss her. This weekend also marks the two year anniversary of the death of my friend, Julie; whose tragic death on the Temperance River was a story of bravery, and innocence. She was my lunch buddy, my dear friend who befriended everyone she met and made them feel like the most important person in the whole world. She was an amazing friend. I miss her terribly. My heart aches for these women tonight. I can hardly stand it. But, it's this burden I carry to the cross - to let Jesus hold these women in His arms...so I can simply intercede for the one who is still here, that her heart be comforted, and her body be healed - if even after this life. My heart feels like it's damaged. I need to be healed - as only Jesus can do.

So...anything extra I want to do this summer - like helping out a friend with his business - feels like a fun project...a dessert plate. Perhaps some minimal nutritional value - but definitely something for the soul! Something not on my current plate - something chocolaty and decadent. Hmmm...eat dessert first? Not terribly responsible or "right" but definitely a thought for what I want. But...what do I do with all the other stuff on my plate? Can I get through the stuff on my current plate in time to still eat dessert? What if I take less of the stuff on my main plate - would that help? What if I move some of it to another plate - or save some for another meal time? Should I still eat the dessert? What if I eat all of my main meal and then I'm just too full that the dessert doesn't even taste good anymore? Will I be able to save it for another treat time?

Lord, I am asking for your help as you guide me. I no longer feel your presence, but my mind and your word tells me you're still here. I will continue to seek you until I can see, hear or feel you near me. I find myself wrapped up in a future I have no control over and know nothing about. I speculate and plan, wonder and imagine, guess and maneuver - and need some real reminders to stay present to the stuff around me, the day to day life of being a wife, mother, worker, and friend. Help me to stay grounded in your word, your example of living in God's love, and to stay in the here and now. I need you, Jesus, please be near me.

Facelift

My blog looks a little different tonight. The bright lights shining from behind...with what do I see before me?
My life. 

Thanks to Blogger's new template designer...I'm trying a few different new looks. Not sure which one - or several I'll try on for size...but this is I'm landing on for right now. I'll bet it won't stay this way.

It's like trying on shoes. The right pair of shoes can really make a whole outfit - or completely ruin it.
Tell me what you think.

The deathless dream

"we need a renaissance of wonder. we need to renew, in our hearts & in our souls, the deathless dream, the eternal poetry, the perennial sense that life is miracle & magic."
e. merrill root

This quote was borrowed from www.juliesteiskal.com. My friend, Julie, died two years ago on the evening of  June 25, 2008. That day was a pivotal day in my life...a day I will never forget, nor do I want to return to. Although I do return to it often in my memories.  That day felt like the start of a series of events that changed my life forever. I never would have imagined my life as it is now - back on that day. I never would have imagined the places that God has taken me, the things I would be doing, working with the people that I am working with, living in the house I live in, and enjoying gardening as much as I do. I'm still working at church, but in a different capacity, a different era, a different place spiritually. There are different people in place, different departments, different projects, different life stories.

If I look back on my life, I do realize that there have been other significant markers in my life that I never would have dreamed of before. My children, my life with my husband, my parents' health issues, my financial situation...all of these things have had places to mark beginnings and endings.

And, I know that my future is full of amazing wonderful things. I can feel it. I am recapturing that deathless dream. That something inside me that has been a seed planted long ago. A seed that is germinating now, after a long cold winter of life...and it's just now beginning to open and push the green possibilities up from beneath. Still so new. Still so tender and fragile. But, hopeful of a full life with a colorful bloom...in the summer of life.

This is a time in my life when the sacred past, sacred present and sacred future are all converging in one place. What is this place in my life? How did I get here, and where am I going? Wondering and waiting has never tasted so sweet or been so interesting to me  - well, not for a very long time. I guess that's why I am awake for now. I am grateful.

Romans 8:24-27

For in this hope we were saved. But hope that is seen is no hope at all. Who hopes for what he already has? But if we hope for what we do not yet have, we wait for it patiently.
In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groans that words cannot express. And he who searches our hearts knows the mind of the Spirit, because the Spirit intercedes for the saints in accordance with God's will. - NIV

I really want to write...

but I can't. I'm exhausted, and the extrovert me did a lot of talking today...thus processing my thoughts. I really want to write about the birds, eggs, nests and other thoughts that screamed in my head today as I shared my last blog entry with a dear friend. She, too, was seeing herself in the nest - but in a different way. We seem to be travelling parralel paths. I just wish I knew what was at the end...but then again, let it be a surprise.

I'm not waiting by the phone, but a friend of mine said he'd call this week to talk about an opportunity for me. I'm pretty excited, partly because I'm a huge fan of his, but mostly because I'm feeling God calling me to something new. It's not quite the momma bird calling her fledgling out of the nest to come and get the food and learn how to fly...but almost a push from behind like a mother eagle does to her young. Then, as she swoops beneath them to carry them back up in the air, they drop again like a rock, and she's right there to swoop them up again to try again until they get the strength in their wings. Almost feels like bungee jumping. Wonder if I'm ready to take the leap - or how much more wing strengthening I'm going to need before I'm ready to leave the nest.

Okay...so I guess I did have something to say. Goodnight my friends. I'll be back again.

The birds nest

As I pulled weeds and filled mulch in the front garden yesterday, I saw a broken egg about the size of my pinky finger, lying in the weeds. It either fell from the tree or some animal carried it there. Broken open, contents not completely devoured by the elements or a predator, it became fertilizer for my flowers…as I buried it under the dirt, and lay mulch on top of it. The symbol of the egg brought new imagination to me once again as I await what God has in store for me.

Some call it “limbo” or “transition” a threshold into another place…but I call it fog. Not a foggy mind, where things aren’t clear…but a safe covering of something, like a veil that has yet to be pulled back, like the inside of an egg. Not a cocoon, as I’m not sure I’ve spun this one on my own, but a place of rebirth, a place where unknown newness lays.

At the end of my season in my last spiritual direction group – I felt a need to choose a gift for each gal in my group. I found some small trinkets at a shop in town; things that spoke a little about each story that was shared during our 9 months together.  I chose a small votive holder with tea light for each one, and the artwork on the outside was unique to their story – birds, swans on a lake, and an uplifting message about persistence. Also, I chose a special one that sent a message about listening for our facilitator.

As I chose these gifts for my companions, I chose something special for myself…

A small bird’s nest with three tiny green eggs sat quietly on a shelf of the store, and spoke new life into my troubled journey. These eggs are the same size as the one I saw on the ground. The symbol of new life, motherhood, home, comfort, rough places, unknown waiting, and hope filled my thoughts – and my heart filled with expectation. I brought the nest back to my office, and it sits on the shelf where I look upon my life. It’s out of the way, so as not to distract me from getting my daily work done. But today, for some reason, I brought it down right in front of my computer.

Something alive is stirring in me, and it’s like the soft shell of a bird’s egg that is just ready to start pecking it open from the inside out. These eggs sit quietly now…but when the time is right, the hope of new life is going to push its way into reality.

We never really die

explorefaith.org - Open Your Eyes

Seeking some solace, refuge, quiet stillness and silence...I look for things to help me meditate on where God is and where He may want me to be also. I have linked to explorefaith.org before. This is another way for me to seek God, to be opened up to the possibility of a closer spiritual relationship with Jesus Christ, my savior, King, and friend.

Recent grief has been like a dark cloud over my head the past month. I am remembering, too, the death of my dear friend Julie as we approach the two-year anniversary in another two months. I don't think we ever really finish grieving...as I believe the work that God does in our soul that is all about healing and reconciling us to Himself, is a life long process. Only in the opening of our eyes, in our earthly death do we finally see Him fully, truly, and wholy Holy. He is all of that, but we don't get to see it until we die to this life on this planet.

Dallas Willard has some things to say about dying, and how we never really die. This poem by Richard Guy Miller speaks to that for me.

I also believe that grief is experienced and felt in a variety of ways in each of us very differently from one another. I believe it's not that you can't feel joy or relief from the pain - or that you must act sad when you are in grief. I believe that no matter what you are feeling - that you should feel it fully - and God will meet you there. It may be in a happy memory, in the busy-ness of life, in the sad realization that we are left behind, in the lost hope of a future with our loved one...or whatever, that we must continue to FEEL what is happening to us, in us, and around us. We must give ourselves the grace to be who we are when we are, not just when others think it's appropriate. Time does heal wounds, and feeling the sorry does get less at times, but at other times the flood of emotion and sadness creeps back into my life and I need to allow myself to feel it, and not to stuff it down and ignore it's impact on my mind, body and spirit. To me, this is my spirituality. I may never understand fully the impact of a death on my life. But, I must receive the gift and knowledge of it by allowing my body and emotions to notice where I am and perhaps wonder why I am.

Open my eyes, Lord, to the time and place that is You.

Half empty or half full

The night feels very empty...aside from the cold air and loud breathing, dare I say snoring, coming from the other room. It's way past midnight and I'm up writing again. I don't know why but my mind is so full of thoughts at this time of the morning, and I haven't been to bed yet. All the lights are off aside from the one over the stovetop.
It's very cold in this room, at the kitchen table. It was about 55 degrees in the Twin Citites today, and it feels about like that now. I suppose I could get up and get a blanket, or put on a sweatshirt, but then I'd have to leave the dim light of the laptop to move...and quite frankly, my legs are very comfortable propped up on a chair.  Naw...just a minute...I do need a blanket. Maybe even a warm cup of tea. I'll be right back after I put some water on the stove...

The heat from the blue flame felt good for a moment. I guess so much of my life, every decision I make seems to be like it's multifaceted...so many perspectives to look at it. I thought I could only see my life from my point of view, but it seems it's rather more complicated than that. I realize that my personality seems to understand or sense how others perceive me. It's a bit weird, and hard to describe. Perhaps someday I'll try.

I guess you'd say I've always been a glass-half-full kind of person. I try to look for the up side, the positive, the stuff to be grateful for, and the stuff that we have in common instead of where we're different. But, I guess we all have moments in our lives - some people more than others - when the glass really does look half empty. I'm having that kind of a season.

If you've read past posts here, you'll notice I've gone mad. Well, those around me really don't know that I'm mad...but it's true. Inside my head is another voice that I'm just not sure I'm able to quiet. That other voice is my strange self who keeps looking for God in things where it shouldn't be. It's just not the same way others think. And, I can write whatever I want to here, because all the gals who follow my other blog because it's cute and all about home and garden stuff would never tread over here to read about my deeper spiritual side - the madness that is who I am when I write.

Oh....another moment please...the water is hot now.
I wish I could take a photo of my mug with the hot water steaming from it, but it's very dark in here. I'm just not sure the image would make it in such low light. See, even an image needs light to be fully seen for what it truely is. You cannot perceive color in the dark because in low light, the rods take over in the back of your eyes when the cones can see color during the well lit times. Sorry...slipped into optometric assistant mode for one moment. Boy, that was something hidden away for several years!

Thus...this season I'm in...where I'm working very hard at listening and watching for God is again more brought to light - the positive in me. But, then how is it in God's strange other-world-type paradigm of oposite is it that I should wait in a cold dark room and experience silence and solitude...and I feel so totally alone in my thoughts? If you're a Kingdom person you know what I mean by paradigm of oposite. This world is not like the other.

I cannot just sit here. I cannot just wait patiently and practice being in that very moment. I must write. I must type and clickety clack with my nails on the keyboard. I must strain my wrists and neck and shoulders to type out this lengthy blah blah blah on such a tiny little laptop. It's NOT ergonomic at all! Why am I still awake at such an hour?

I know I have so much to prepare for in the next few days. I have a large project due next week at work, I'll be covering for a co-worker while she's on vacation in Mexico, my garden needs to be weeded, fertilized,  and tended, and my husband's grandmother passed away this week so I should also be preparing photos for his cousins to put to foam poster boards in memory of this dear sweet woman who I miss terribly. Perhaps that's it. That's why I'm struggling with the sleep thing tonight. I don't have an excuse most nights, but I only need one tonight and it will work.

In my struggles with "not hearing God" these past months...I have been blessed by several women who are older than me. Some closer to my age and some much further along life's path. Grandma Swan was a genuine blessing to me the past 28 years that I knew her. She usually saw life as half-full, of course she birthed and raised ten children and had to see life that way to survive. I never got to ask her how she did it. But, she did remember the details about each of her children...secrets they thought she didn't know and praises she was sure to tell about them when they weren't looking. As a working mom, is my life much different? Her full time job was raising this brood...and she did a fine job at that. I just don't know if my life is all that different - but it is.

Here I go seeing the similarities again. Perhaps that's all that it is. The madness of positive attitude is the madness of loving others even when you don't want to. hmmmm...I've got myself thinking so hard I'm finally ready to begin nodding off in a more comfortable settting. Good morning to you  if you are waking, and good night to you if you are like me in this moment. Until we meet again here.
Same bat time, same bat channel.

Catch a wave...on the web

I had a dream a year ago - that I had a large plate of homegrown veggies - the plate was as big as a car. I felt a strong need to give it all away. I had been given so much, that I needed to share. Veggies are perishable, and they need to be eaten at peak freshness. I wanted everyone to enjoy the flavors and excitement that I had for my garden...I thought that's what it was about. I was giving it away, but I didn't know who was going to receive it.
Now, I'm wondering...what if the veggies were a metaphor for something else? But what else could it be?
What do I have, that grows fresh and ripe, and needs to be given away, to be shared and that others would benefit and be fed? I wonder about what my spiritual gifts are - hospitality, encouragement, faith...how can I put these together to help others? How to begin to dream of ways to reach out to others - in relationships not temporary.

I'm websurfing - and catching waves along these lines.
Stuff I'm thinking about...and searching for on Google and Bing.
If you choose to join me, let me know. If you see something interesting, or you notice something in the connections...let me know. Post a comment. I'd love to carry some with me on this journey.


Radical Hospitality
PBS - The Congregation
Opening a cafe/restaurant/bar
Live music in Maple Grove
Administrative gifts - how to support others well

The Virtue of Flexibility - Henri Nouwen

Trees look strong compared with the wild reeds in the field. But when the storm comes the trees are uprooted, whereas the wild reeds, while moved back and forth by the wind, remain rooted and are standing up again when the storm has calmed down.

Flexibility is a great virtue. When we cling to our own positions and are not willing to let our hearts be moved back and forth a little by the ideas or actions of others, we may easily be broken. Being like wild reeds does not mean being wishy-washy. It means moving a little with the winds of the time while remaining solidly anchored in the ground. A humorless, intense, opinionated rigidity about current issues might cause these issues to break our spirits and make us bitter people. Let's be flexible while being deeply rooted.

By My Spirit...Billy McLaughlin

Long time in the dark
Lost, now where to start?
Lonely shadows run
Life loses love when you don't feel the sun

Heavy world pressing down
Dark clouds all around
I pray to the Light
I pray to the One
I pray we would light up this world

Time to be coming out into the light
Time for the day, end of the night
Not by power, not by might, but by Spirit.

No one likes to see
Impossible roads ahead of me
No one likes to hear
A life broken down
A life full of fear

Time to be coming out into the light
Time for the day, end of the night
Not by power, not by might
But by Spirit
But, by my Spirit
But, by my Spirit..

So lift what you find hard to lift
And move what you find hard to move
And love those you find hard to love
Nothings impossible...
All things are possible...
Nothing's impossible...

Time to be coming out into the light
Time for the day, end of the night
Not by power, not by might
But by Spirit

Time to be coming out into the light
Time for the day, end of the night
Not by power, not by might
But by Spirit

But, by my spirit...
But, by my spirit...
But, by my spirit...

Online Lenten resources

explorefaith.org -

When we are real...Lenten Calendar. Guidance on the road to the cross - as we live a life through the 40 days of lent, these guides, signposts along the way, help us to frame how we are to be in Christ, and to be real and feel fully all that is going on inside of us...as promptings from God.

Being intentional about my life during this season of Lent, finding ways to fast from something helps me focus on my Creator, and how He is creating a new life inside of me. Fasting from tv and noise is not easy for me, but I'm longing for the closeness of my spirit with Christ - for a patience to live within each moment as it comes, and not to push past it too quickly.

Sit in silence this week...reflection the next...and pay attention to surroundings on the next. I'm grateful for tools like this calendar to walk us through the season together.

Something's coming...

It feels like the wind is changing. Imagine walking on the shore of a great wide expanse. The wind is shifting...it smells fresh, new, and a little salty on your face. Right now it's a light breeze...but is there a fierce wind behind it? What is that still small voice in the stillness saying? It's been still and stale for a long time now - several months. I've been hoping for a breath of fresh air. Is this it? What is shifting?

Walking on the shore - noticing the wind, the birds, the sunshine, the clouds, the trees swaying in the midst of whatever forces them to and fro. What is this place? I don't recognize it, but it feels familiar - like it's meant for me. Not comfortable, but worthwhile. Not passive, but peaceful. Cared for, but also care free.

Is the tide coming in, or is this a tsunami? What if my feet get wet? Then what? Am I willing to let the wave of whatever this is take me under? Am I willing to let it grab hold of me, and pull me down like an undercurrent and am I willing to die to whatever I was before, and learn to breath  under water? When this wave comes into the shore - it brings much with it. Am I willing to get wet, or stay safe and dry? What if it's not a tsunami, but just another rising tide - that only comes waist deep? Is it enough to knock me off my feet? Am I willing to let it come over me, or do I need to jump into it? When it has completely overwhelmed me, what will it look like when it goes out to sea? Will I stand on the shore all wet, or will I be swept out with it and dance and swim with the creatures of another world?

I'm blowing the doors off the walls and the box that I've lived within. I've set up a definition of who I am, by trying to find out more about who I am. And, what if that's not who I am going to be forever? What if I am being called to something far greater than I could ever imagine?
It started with a wondering, about a vocation, about something different. Playing on what I really love, time with my husband, great music, great food, creating space for people to experience relationship and themselves. What does it take to open a restaurant? What would it look like if we took our children out of school and moved across the globe and began a mission in another country? What would it be if I took a new job with travel opportunities, and was able to take my family with me to another world?

I had a dream last summer about a huge plate of vegetables - and that my life was so very plentiful that I wanted to give it all away. What if those vegetables weren't vegetables at all? What if they were gifts from God? And...what if they weren't my gifts? What if I was helping others to give away their gifts to others? What would that look like?

I don't blog for you, dear reader. I blog for myself. For words as I process things outside my own head. I blog for reasons that I believe Jesus is bringing new life to me. I can still only see the steps right in front of me...but I see an amazing vista. And, I wonder - out loud most times. What would it look like from that other peak over there? What about from that shore to the left, from that tree to the right, from a small boat in the middle of the ocean? Can I see the forest from where I am? Looking at the trees right next to me, I don't know if I'm even looking at a forest, or just a grove of trees. Perhaps it's just a guideline - a boundary - for a new land way beyond my dreams. Boy, these are pretty trees. What do they do? How did they get here? Who lives here? Am I looking at too many details that I can't see the big picture?

My desire is to breath in and feel the shift in the wind. Then, to rest a while in the freshness of that breeze...and gather enough strength...and allow it to totally take my breath away.

Prayer for Patience

Gracious God, it’s so hard to wait. To wait for new things to happen in my life. To wait for you to answer my prayers. To wait for the open doors that may lead me into a new way of being. During the time of waiting, it seems that all I can think of is having what it is I am waiting for. At times I feel weary of asking and waiting, and I wonder if you really hear my prayers at all, if you are ignoring me, or if you are simply refusing to give me my heart’s desire. A part of me knows that you want my best, and that your time is not my time, but Lord, it is still so hard to wait. Deepen my trust, O Lord, during the times when my heart longs for what can only come in the fullness of time. Give me a calm assurance that your will for me is grander than anything I could ever imagine. Still my mind and heart in your love so that I am mindful of the grace you are draping around me every single day, every single moment. I ask this for the sake of your love.

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Links to a hidden world

Creativity - writing, playing music, playing, art, dancing, thinking outside the box...
Physical activity - running, working out, swimming, gardening, shoveling snow, stripping wallpaper, painting a wall, mowing the lawn...
Spirituality - sense or sensitivity to religious values, and/or experience of life from a faith perspective.

My friend, John, has been blogging for 7 days in a row, and has set a goal of 28 days of creativity.
I love what he says about creativity being linked to spirituality. I find myself meditating during gardening, stripping wallpaper, and even shoveling snow.  Enjoy the link to his site. Very interesting.

A Lenten Prayer by Henri Nouwen

The Lenten season begins. It is a time to be with you, Lord, in a special way, a time to pray, to fast, and thus to follow you on your way to Jerusalem, to Golgotha, and to the final victory over death.

I am still so divided. I truly want to follow you, but I also want to follow my own desires and lend an ear to the voices that speak about prestige, success, pleasure, power, and influence. Help me to become deaf to these voices and more attentive to your voice, which calls me to choose the narrow road to life.

I know that Lent is going to be a very hard time for me. The choice for your way has to be made every moment of my life.
I have to choose thoughts that are your thoughts, words that are your words, and actions that are your actions. There are not times or places without choices. And I know how deeply I resist choosing you.

Please, Lord, be with me at every moment and in every place.
Give me the strength and the courage to live this season faithfully, so that, when Easter comes, I will be able to taste with joy the new life that you have prepared for me.

Amen.

It's all about timing...

I hate waiting...but somehow I'm called to do it right now. I'm trying to live in the little bit of light that I have, and not ask for more to be revealed until the right time.
What is it about God's timing that is always perfect? When we wanted a baby, we waited 3 years for a pregnancy, and in that waiting I did much soul searching. But, God knew that I needed to wait. Then, when I wanted a second child, He knew that I would be better cared for in a different job - so that I could spend time with my baby - so that one waited several years as well. Now, my kids are 10 (almost 11) and 5. They are wonderful pieces of my life...and in the waiting I found that He was watching and waiting with me. Watching me to move and grow in ways that drew me closer to God.
Then, as we waited several years to buy our first house...when it was right, I just knew it in my gut. Somehow, God continued to provide the right pieces to fall into place when we had waited just long enough.
It was hard knowing when the waiting was over, though. And, when the heart begins to move and leap - is that the time to end the waiting?
Because right now my heart is leaping to some new things, and I wonder what is in this waiting time? Is there something I should be doing? preparing? for the end of the waiting? Is there going to be an end to the waiting?
All that I know is this...that I am called to wait. That this 'crisis" or whatever that I'm living in during my "mid-life" is strange and unfamiliar. But, because He, who has always been faithful to me, is present and waits beside me...then I, too, can be faithful to Him and wait for the right time to move forward.
Until then, thanks for journeying with me. Let me know you've stopped here by leaving a comment. Tell me how God has met you in your waiting for something.