Health and Hunger

During Advent, I receive several spiritual meditations, and readings in my inbox. It's a way for me to be connected to the larger body of Christ in my daily life. This is a reading by Jackie Cameron, staff member at Credo, an Episcopal Church resource for clergy. I just found it to be especially helpful as I contemplate the very question in my journey here on this side of the planet.

"Pay attention!"  It's a major Advent theme, but it's also the key to the spiritual life, as well as to healthy relationships, wise financial stewardship, vocational discernment and, yes, even physical well-being. 

The control of appetite--that is, our sense of hunger and of fullness or satisfaction after eating--is an extremely complex system involving hormones, brain and nerve chemicals called neurotransmitters, the presence or absence of food in our stomach and intestines, emotions, visual cues, smells, memories, the people around us and many other things.  Even our fat cells have something to say in the complex internal conversation that leads to hunger.

This season, instead of berating yourself for not having more willpower ... or for failing to lose that 10 or 20 or 50-plus pounds or whatever else you haven't done, stop for a moment ... suspend the internal critic and instead ask, "What is it that I am really hungry for?"  And pay attention to the answers-because there will be many. 

One answer may well be, "I am hungry for the biggest piece of cheesecake on that platter."  But other answers may include, "I am hungry for companionship" or "I am hungry for reassurance that God is really there" or "I am hungry to know that I have something to offer" or even "I am just hungry for some fun ... or a chance to really laugh." 

So go ahead ... ask the question ... live with the question ... and pay attention to the answers.  Doing so will help set us all on a path to true fullness of life.  

What do you really want?

I was going to entitle this post "What are you hungry for?" but then realized a recent post was about hunger. Maybe there's a theme here, but in the deepest thoughts about famine and hunger, I come home tonight to another growling in my belly. An urge to nibble on a snack sends me to the fridge to look around.There's not much that I wanted in there, except a package of uncooked chocolate chip cookie dough and milk. I resisted, and went to the cupboard instead for some vanilla wafers and a cup of hot water.

As I picked up a few things off the floor, folded a couple of items of clothing, and then turned on the light and picked up a book - I was amazed by the selection of books that were on my nightstand. All four books that I've been grabbing snippets from for quite some time...but they have to do with my spiritual journey. Not just any journey, but one of listening and asking (praying) and of finding rhythms in spiritual practices of meditation, fasting, and rest.

And so tonight I picked up the first book, "Talking to God" by Naomi Levy. This book of common daily prayers for joy, sadness, struggle and celebration helps me to realize all the many people in my life - friends, family, strangers...who I have been praying for, but without the words that I wish I had. Here, I found prayers for my friend who just had a baby, for my friends who are caring for ill and aging parents, for parents who want to pray for their children, and with their children, and prayers for my own inability to pray.

My cup of water was boiling in the microwave, and so I grabbed it and sat down with another book. I picked up "Life of the Beloved" by Henri Nouwen - one of my favorite books of all. Tonight the subtitle "spiritual living in a secular world" struck me differently than I ever remember hearing it. So, I opened a section that I know I have read before. But this time, my prayers for listening ears, open eyes, and my soul wide open to listen to the whispers of God were answered. I read the prologue and it jumped out at me as if it was what God was and is trying to say to me! While closing an interview with a young journalist Nouwen writes:

"What do you really want?" I asked.
"I want to write a novel...but I'll never be able to do it."
"Is this something you really want?" I asked. He looked at me with surprise on his face and said with a smile, "Yes, it is,...but I'm also afraid because I've never written a novel, and maybe I don't have what it takes to be a novelist."
"How will you find out?" I asked.
"Well, I probably won't ever be able to find out. You need time, money, and most of all, talent, and I don't have any."
By now I had become angry at him, at society, and, to some degree, at myself for letting things just be as they are. I felt a strong urge to break down all these walls of fear, convention, social expectations and self-deprecation, and I blurted out,
"Why don't you quit your job and write your novel?"
"I can't," he said...I kept pushing him,"If you really want it, you can do it. You don't have to be the victim of time and money." At this point, I realized that I had become involved in a battle I was determined to win. He sensed my intensity and said, "Well, I'm just a simple journalist, and I guess I should be content with that."
"No, you shouldn't," I said. "You should claim your deepest desire and do what you really want to do...time and money aren't the real issue."
"What is?" he asked.
"You are," I answered. "You have nothing to lose. You are young, full of energy, well trained...Everything is possible for you...Why let the world squeeze you in?...Why become a victim? You are free to do what you want - if, that is, you really want it!"

That's when it hit me. "What do I want?" I've been so busy for so long, spending so much of my time praying for others, thinking about how to care for my family and others, that I have put aside asking for my own needs so long that I don't even know what I want anymore. Thinking about this, my heart leaped and tears began to well up in my eyes. Could it be possible that I don't even know what my dream is? I don't even know what I would want for myself and those around me.
"You should claim your deepest desire and do what you really want to do...time and money aren't the real issue."

So I asked myself out loud to God - "What do I want?" and, he said "That's what I've been asking you for some time now!" "You are following me around like a lost puppy, but I'm ready to lead you to a new calling, something I have been preparing you for. Stop shuffling around with your eyes on the ground and look up and out to what is in store. Look up to the possibilities of a new day!"
Our church has been in a season studying the book of Colossians - and the Message translation has exactly the words I needed tonight to realize the connection to what I'm experiencing.

I still am not sure what I want, but I'm going to pray and ask God to reveal to me what it is that is the deepest desires of my heart. If I believe that the desires of my heart have been planted there by God himself, if I know what they are, maybe then I can begin to wonder about what it would take to get me there, and what I would have to take off from my current self to put on the armor of Christ. I believe I am close to getting words around what I'm experiencing. Tonight's revelation for me sheds a little more light on this season of life. Stay tuned...and be sure to ask if you want to know more.

Too busy to breathe, but starting new stuff anyhow

My readers know that I usually post after I've had some strange Epiphany, or realization that something in my life is happening. Either it be subtle or dramatic, but I sense things are moving.

I have actually been working so much lately - and having to find time in the minor moments to just settle in, that I haven't had much time to think straight. I have worked long days, and have only had 2 full days off in the past 16. I am certainly looking for some time off soon - later this week. But tonight I find myself sitting at a table in the class, talking about the struggle of being human and what we're expecting from this class with a few folks from church. Tonight we begin a new day, a new chapter in our household...a day where my husband and I get on the same page in regards to our finances.  We decided last spring, that with some financial changes that are happening in our life - less daycare expenses because our son is in school full time, and less basic expenses because we're choosing to live more frugally, but on the verge of a job shift for him, and a change in needs of our children and our family...we are taking a class called Financial Peace University, by Dave Ramsey.

This class isn't because we're so deep in debt and we're looking for a life raft - although we've been there. It's because we have come from the depths of debt and are looking to stay on track with our new situation, and allow for some additional breathing room so that stress won't rear its ugly head when something "unexpected" happens to either of us, or both of us, financially.

I'm sure I'll blog more about the class as we progress through thirteen weeks of budgeting, saving, and wealth-building. In fact, we expect to complete the class just before Christmas. By the way - it was 83 degrees today in sunny Minnesota. I'm sure it won't be that on the last day of the class.

I came home from the class tonight pretty energized about why we (my husband and I) chose to take the class together. We left our children to care for each other, and my children were so very well behaved, theyeven put themselves to bed on time. :) I really felt good about our decision to step out and make this happen. But, in the hurry of the afternoon between work and the class, I had to make dinner for the family. Not a big deal, really, just some grilled ham & cheese sandwiches on sourdough bread - and some raw veggies. And, in the strangeness of the day - although my daughter said she wasn't hungry, she ate my sandwich - and as any loving mother would do - I let her have it, and scrounged for something else. No time - we had to get out the door and over to church for class - so I grabbed a Diet Coke and headed out the door.
Now, it's often in stressful times I realize how I can just get easily sidetracked and forget to take care of myself. I'm rushing around so much lately - that I can barely get from one thing to another without something in-between to distract me.

I am taking some time off this week - comp time - to take back some hours I've poured in. It'll be good to get back to finding some time for me and God. It's starting, I can feel it. See next post to read how I'm noticing God's movement for me tonight.

Hunger

The word hunger means many things to me. I hunger for knowledge, I grow hungry for a snack. To Webster it's a craving or urgent need for food or a specific nutrient; an uneasy sensation occasioned by the lack of food; a weakened condition brought about by the prolonged lack of food, or a strong or compelling desire or craving.
My kids tell me "Mom, I'm starving." and awkwardly stare into a refrigerator and pantry full of leftovers and odds and ends, and say "there's nothing to eat."
And then, I turn on the tv and see the devastation that hunger and famine can do to families across the globe. The crisis in the Horn of Africa and across the globe right now is something that is hitting me deeper and deeper each day.
As we pray "Give us this day our daily bread." I realize that  I've never had to really wonder where my next meal was going to come from. I didn't choose to be born into a culture of affluence, or that I'd get to experience grocery stores on a daily basis the way I do. Nor, did I choose to live in a country where clean water is taken for granted. But, I do, and that's where I find myself.

And so, what can we do? What should we do. Prayer and learning more about hunger is what I propose I can do right here right now. There is a crisis - something urgent and tangible. When small children are being left behind by their parents because they do not have enough energy or strength to make a long journey to where there is clean water and food, I can pray. When adults have completely lost any sense of who they are because they simply have no energy to move or share conversation or look at others, I can pray.
Lord, have mercy. Be with each of these children today, as your own precious ones whom you love. Give them daily manna and satisfy their cravings for food, but also for dignity, and for a sense of who You are to them as provider, and faithful shepherd. I am deep in prayer and will fast one meal each day to remind me of the minor hunger pangs - so that I may join in solidarity with these who are suffering today. Father God, have mercy. Show comfort and care to your African children. For they didn't choose these circumstances, any more than I did my own. Jesus, have mercy. Holy Spirit come. 
I will not easily forget that across the world other families, other mothers, fathers, brothers and sisters are literally starving - and without food or clean water. I will also not forget that disease and famine plague these whole countries. I must not forget. I must remember them tonight.




 

Fruit

Jesus said, 'A sound tree cannot bear bad fruit, nor a rotten tree good fruit.'

 ~ Matthew 7: 17-18

We must choose to listen to God's voice and every choice will open us a little more to discover the new life hidden in the moment, waiting eagerly to be born.

- Henri J. M. Nouwen

How often do we move forward without thinking about what God's will would be for our lives? What is that "new life hidden in the moment" that Nouwen talks about? I'm choosing today to slow down and listen more fully.

 

Text excerpts taken from The Only Necessary Thing, Henri J.M. Nouwen, ed. Wendy Wilson Greer (Crossroad 1999). 

So...I lied

When I began this blog about a million years ago...I said I didn't care about who was reading it. I was going to write this blog and put down thoughts because they were for me and me alone. An online journal - open for others to read to keep me accountable and honest  - but really only for me.

I am so glad that I have chosen to write over the past few years, because as I look back over some posts (some just from the past 6months) I didn't remember writing them. I've been so far out of really writing well that I completely forgot my thoughts and ideas from back then. I've either moved on to something new, or am doomed to repeat mistakes I've made and haven't paid much attention to.
Sure, I'm busy. We're all busy. But, to forget what I was thinking during very significant points in my life - that's just wrong!

So...in part I was telling the truth - I did write for me. Because apparently I needed (and still need) to be reminded of what I felt, thought, and did. But, in some ways...I write for others to read and comment and make some noise. I want to know that others read and resonate with what I say, or that they even care or know that I have a blog and I find time to write - HA! I guess I'm looking for a little encouragement here.

I've succumbed to the Twitter posts of 140 characters at a time, and have completely lost the art and creativity I can express when I write. I can bring life to multiple characters on a page and create meaning and emotions. You can to. Many of my friends write - and I barely take time to read their blogs...but when I do, I try to comment to let them know who's reading. Let me know you're here...so I can take a little time to write more often because it matters to someone else, not just me.

So...I lied. I don't just write for me. I also write for you. So, if you're visiting, please drop me a comment. Share your thoughts, ask some questions. If you've been here before, and have never commented - please give it a shot. Even if just to say "Killroy was here." If you didn't really read this...then never mind.

Facets and Reflections

 

I have a friend, a spiritual director, and she's very good at asking deep questions that turn my face back towards God. We don't specifically come together to talk about where God is leading me, but she asked this question today of me in light of the changes and journey that is taking place in me. What does one do when one notices change and recognizes God in their life? Now that you've seen that the Father has been working in you...what do you do with it? Each of us will answer that question differently. What does it mean for me?


There has been a period of time in my life recently where I have noticed much change in myself. In fact, I barely noticed it at first - but thought God was speaking to me differently. As I slowed down long enough to listen to what was going on inside me, and outside me, and took time to notice what God was showing me...I thought that He had begun to speak to me in a new voice. He was speaking and showing me things in ways I had never recognized before. It was jaw-dropping crazy!!
Then, after some time and discussion with others, I began to realize that God hadn't changed. Nor had He changed His ways. Could it be possible that I was the one who was changing? Could it be that I was listening and noticing things in new ways, just as I had prayed for Him to open within me?
Not only could it be possible, but here it was, happening just as I had hoped - and feared.

I've mentioned before that I've grown comfortable sitting in the questions. I was able to strip away all the "things" that I thought "I was" to reveal the real me, the true self, the beloved daughter of the King!! I had let go of my various hats that I wore, those identities that defined who I was as a wife, daughter, co-worker, friend, and yes - even as mother to my two children.  I needed to let go of who I was for them, in order to regain my love for them. There was a symbolic letting go that had to take place, so that I could be free to love them once again with new eyes and ears and arms.

I have just recently noticed how getting to the core of who I am as The Beloved, has also not removed those roles that I play - as mom, wife, employee, etc...but each of these roles have now come all around me shining back at me and reflecting the Love of Christ. I can't stop being a mother, but I can get a new perspective. I can't stop loving my husband for who he is, but I can get a new look at who he is becoming. I am done having babies from this body, but that doesn't mean I'm done being a mom.

It's like facets on a carefully cut precious stone...showing windows into the people and relationships that I love...and reflecting back for me how much Jesus loves me, and how God the Father Himself created me for this very moment in time. It's all wrapped up together, intertwined in the nurturing mother that I am identifying in myself. It's not just about my own children, although my relationships with them are certainly part of what's happening here. I feel like there's something else that is emerging...and new birth perhaps somewhere in all of this. Not only am I birthing something new, but I'm caring for and watching over others in relationships.

Not everyone likes a mothering spirit keeping watch over them. Not everyone wants another mother of sorts to stick her nose in their business and get into the problem and find solutions. Many want to find it themselves. Wherin lies the dilemma of balance as I offer up care and compassion.

Friends who have lost earthly mothers completely understand that you never grow too old to need your mother. Dear friends remembering mothers and standing with mothers in health situations realize all too well the important role they play in our lives. As I watch my own mother age and need my help and care in a very different way than when I was growing up, I notice the mother within me is still in need of her loving mother hands and voice. She cared for and nurtured me for all of my life. Whether near or far, she is the one who is always available to me, and always looking out for my best interest.

My questions and wonderings about motherhood bring me back to that multi-faceted precious stone. The relationships that surround me don't define who I am, but rather reflect back to me and out to others who I really am as the Beloved of Christ. 

The work of defining "call."

For some reason, a stirring has begun in me and has accelerated at an alarming rate. The stillness and quiet that I felt from my God has been reopened and he has partnered with me in a new place. I realized that He wasn't speaking to me differently over the past year, but that I indeed was the one who has changed, and that I have been hearing Him differently. Is it because I have taken time to pause, to listen, and to wonder about the way He created me? Or, will He just keep moving because this is the time He needs me to move?

I believe my God made me, and therefore knows everything about me. He knows things about me that even I don't know or understand. That is weird. I mean, who doesn't know themselves best? I know what I like, I know what I don't like. I have always tested the same ESFJ on the Myers-Briggs and have always been a detail-oriented person. In fact, I was taking some time last night to review some of the personality and strengths assessment tests I've taken over the past several years in ministry, and I feel that mostly they remain the same. But in reviewing one, I noticed I really have changed and adapted to many things in my life these past years that have made me a different person.

In ministry settings, I've only known two kinds of roles - the visionaries, and the details people. Those with the vision are seldom the same people who carry the details and execute the fine points of nametags, rosters, and organization. On the same note, those who carry the details are seldom the same people who see the bigger picture and have ideas and wholness for holding and driving the whole. Not to say that each of the people in these roles aren't capable of doing the other things...just that it's difficult to switch hats from one to another in the same breath.

Then, why, on several occasions over the course of the last several years have I heard others say about me that I have the unique ability to do both? To carry the details, because that's what comes easily to me, but that I hold the bigger pieces and carry them with care and compassion for how others are received. I guess that is part of who I am becoming. I've always been the details gal, and I wonder today if there's been a need to step into a new season in my life. A new light has shined into this place, and from it I cannot hide, no matter how much I try to resist it.

Today a friend, a mentor, put more words on it for me. She said it's as if I hold a spiritual mothering, a nurturing of people. Both for my own children, but also for others - children, parents, families, and those least and lost. Is this the call that I am tending to? I carry an intercession for others that I cannot explain. I care very deeply for those that I see may be on the margins, and sometimes those very people are the ones that have shared the positions and places that I've been.

When God calls, He speaks to a person and asks them to do something, to move in a way that is consistent with their growth.  In my experience, it's not always a clear voice in English saying do this or do that. For me, God's voice has been that inner voice in my gut that tells me that something is not yet complete. That voice that says I should move and act with what I know, and trust that God will carry it through because it's in obedience and partnership with Him. It's the crazy dreams and ideas that I never would have come up with on my own. It's the hint in my mind that I have the right answer even though I don't always have the courage to say the answer out loud. I should trust myself more. Especially when it's a feeling or wondering that I cannot explain. That doesn't mean I'm going to be right...it just means that perhaps in trusting myself enough to say it, the words will mean something to the situation, or others around me, enough to have been on purpose.

I've talked here before about my circles of discernment. Places and reminders and hints from various sources that all seem to come back and point to the same thing. It's about finding reason and logic in the most illogical places. It's about seeing and listening for recognition and order. I don't always get it. And, I've grown okay with that. But, when I do get it, that confirmation of my gut feeling, my conscience tells me to rest and wait more on my unconscience to help confirm.

It's the reminder each night as my 6-yr-old son and I say prayers together. We start out with...
"We are to love who with our heart?"
"The Lord Our God."
"And, we only need to love him with a little bit of our heart, right?"
"No, mom, with ALL of our heart. ALL of our soul, ALL of our mind, and ALL of our strength."
"You mean, ALL?!? Not just most of our heart, soul, mind, strength?"
"ALL of it, mom."
"ALL of your heart? - not just your arms, your kidneys, your lungs, your brain and your muscles?"
"Oh, mom. Love the Lord Your God with ALL your heart, ALL your soul, ALL, your mind, and ALL your strength." "And, love your neighbors as yourself."
"Who is your neighbor? Am I your neighbor?"
"Yes, mom, all other people are your neighbors, not just the people who live next to us, jeesh!"

So...this weekend the worship reminded me. Take my life, an old hymn with deep meaning today. Re-worked by Chris Tomlin.

Take my life and let it be consecrated Lord, to thee.
Take my moments and my days, let them flow in ceaseless praise.
Take my hands and let them move at the impulse of thy love.
Take my feet and let them be swift and beautiful for thee.

Take my voice and let me sing always, only for my king.
Take my lips and let them be filled with messages from thee.
Take my silver and my gold not a might would I withhold.
Take my intellect and use every power as you choose.

::Chorus::
Here am I, all of me.
Take my life, it's all for thee.

Take my will and make it Thine it shall be no longer mine.
Take my heart it is thine own; it shall be thy royal throne.
Take my love, my Lord I pour at your feet its treasure store
Take myself and I will be ever, only all for thee,
Take myself and I will be ever, only all for thee.

Here am I, All of me.
Take my life, It's all for thee.

So, if I am to sing these words and say the prayer, and walk through life meaning fully that God can use me as He will...then I need to remember to trust that He will carry me and give me all the resources that I need to accomplish His tasks. Whatever that may be or look like, or no matter how uncomfortable, or how resistant I am to change. I must move to please Him, because He is my purpose. To follow Jesus is my call. To be willing to sacrifice, to serve His purposes, in a way that is beyond myself, beyond my own family, beyond my own boundaries.

In this place to fully move into that, we have to completely trust that God will care for that which we cannot. We cannot fully take on the details and the larger picture in the same breath. But, He will give me what I need in the moments that I follow Him. He will pick up the pieces and carry that or help me to see what I've missed when I cannot carry it all. This is the continuous work of defining and discerning how I feel I am called into service for Jesus.

It's not easy. I have many questions. I wonder and partner with others in questions that they, too, have about their purpose in life. But, perhaps being comfortable in those uncomfortable questions is part of staying in it. Part of being a spiritual being in a human world.

The Social Butterfly

The past year has been one of finding my life. But, I fear, I have lost part of my life in the social media that I surround myself in.
It began so innocently with this blog. Then, another blog for my home & garden when we moved in two winters ago. Then, Facebook networking became more of a way for me to keep in touch with old friends that I haven't heard from in a while - some from high school, college, and others who I worked with but wasn't able to keep in contact with any other way. Later last year I began to check out Twitter, simply because some of my favorite people - including my cousin in Japan and my brother only communicate that way. They don't use Facebook.
I recently got a new smart phone (Android) and have been able to load both of my Gmail accounts, Yahoo! email, and work email. Along with the data plan, I was also able to add unlimited texting to our plan so that my daughter can now also use texting to communicate with me.
A bit much? Probably. -- there -- you couldn't tell -- but I left just for a moment to check on Facebook again. And, I really have to learn some boundaries with this phone thing. I can't blog on the phone - so that's one thing that's good. Although I must admit I tried a couple of blogger apps, to no avail. But, the electronic games are pretty addictive. I'm at least learning to not bring the phone to the dinner table - and not to glance at it in the middle of a conversation unless it's actually ringing. That's like saying I'm just a social drinker...and I don't have a drinking problem because I can control it.
I must know that it's too much when I mention apps like Hootsuite and Tweetdeck and everyone around me thinks I'm speaking another language. Like the teacher on the Peanuts cartoons - whah-wha whah-wha wha whah.
But really, what is the harm in being so connected to the world around me? After all, Twitter is the new evening news, right? That's how we're hearing news from around the world - in 140 character bits - and just enough for a sound bite. Just enough to keep me from really going deeper - into the deep thoughts and heart of who I'm wired to be. My strengths teach me that I'm connected, and I'm a networker who woos people by connecting with many across a broad spectrum. But, what does that mean for my deeper relationships?
What am I losing, giving up, or just plain ignoring? How can I balance my need for social media with the need for deeper meaning in my life? I'll be thinking upon that tonight as I sleep.
to be continued...

2010 in review

The sun is peeking through the bitter cold of a January morning in Minnesota. Welcome 2011.

We had fun at a friend's house with their kids and mine last night...and I scheduled a coffee date with a new friend for New Year's morning...but unfortunately that didn't work out for her today. So, I find myself with some not-so-common time to myself and time to write a bit and remember. I believe that many of my friends find that the end of the year and beginning of the next bring thoughts of time...the old and the new, reflections on what was and what could have been...and hopes and thoughts of what might be coming in the days and months ahead.

The past year in my life was strange, and somewhat not unusual. I specifically remember the feelings of coming out of my own dark last winter into spring, of walking through grief with friends who lost mothers, a wife (my dear friend), a baby, and my own husband's grandmother who passed shortly after Easter. The grief continues to be a familiar feeling...and I feel carried throughout it all. I walked my second 5K race (well, 6K technically) and I felt physically better than I have in many years. I saw a dear friend get ordained and shared my dreams with friends on Facebook. My relatives from Japan visited for a bit, and I stripped and stained my deck all by myself with a color that I really like. I saw my youngest one begin kindergarten and my oldest begin her last year in primary school. I attended my 25th high school class reunion and found new confidence in who I am becoming. I began and finished several major projects at work where I had an integral role. I had new conversations about dessert plates, excitement, and potential. I even jumped on board with a new distraction that has been very energizing for me, and I've met several new friends who share similar interests and passion for life. My marriage has been getting stronger, and I respect my husband in new ways this year. I've never walked this road before...and I suspect I won't walk it the same way again.

I'm sure there are many memories that will continue to haunt me into the New Year...or some that will carry hope and energy into it; because I believe that who we have been shapes who we are and who we will become. I'm stepping into 2011 with eyes wide open, looking for possibilities...but trying not to overlook the people and simple things that bring peace and joy.  May the New Year bring you alert to the fullness of life in all that you do, as I hope it also does for me.

Mercy for sinners

Advent is a time of waiting - waiting for the Savior to come - a baby in a manger - a knight in shining armor to rescue me from myself. It's the dark places of my soul that wait for a bit of light - a candle flame - to spark the Truth within me. That seed of hope, love, peace and joy that will call me to a new life, a stronger more loving and deeper life with God.

My entire life I've tried to live up to others expectations of me. Waiting for no one, I venture out on my own. I continue on ahead - putting things together without reading directions. I create new processes and procedures for how I think things should be done, and I don't stop to think that maybe someone else might have a good idea or that they might know better than I do. My teachers encouraged me and my parents challenged me to push myself to excel and pursue greatness within my gifts. When I strive to use my own accomplishments as fuel for continuing the pursuit of happiness, I often put blinders on and forget about people on the side-lines that I love, but don't even see.

How is this pattern I've created ever going to be reshaped and remolded into letting myself be more what I want of me, and what God wants of me. Maybe that's it right there - it's not about what I want. How do I learn to let go of the control issues that every human in America strives for?Or, is it just me? Why do I care what others (loved ones, family and friends) think about me? Why am I not completely satisfied with being the beloved daughter of a loving God? Why is that not enough for me? Is it that I'm not grateful? I don't live with peace in my heart - or is it that striving to do that is also a way for me to be the perfect deserving one? I rely so much on my "god-given gifts and talents" that I forget that God has given me these gifts for His glory, not mine.

Lord, forgive me!!! My pride is what gets in the way. Pride is thinking too much or too little of oneself - of believing an extreme deservedness to good or evil. Pride is listed as one of the seven deadly sins. It is "the mother of all sins... the thin line between righteousness and self-righteousness." Medieval theologian, Thomas Aquinas said "inordinate self-love is the cause of every sin ... the root of pride is found to consist in man not being, in some way, subject to God and His rule." Pride is excessive belief in one's own abilities, that interferes with the individual's recognition of the grace of God. It has been called the sin from which all others arise. I feel as though I'm letting many of my own sins get in the way of my growth in God. I think I deserve this good life I've been given - the accomplishments I've made in work, family, and projects. I take and gobble up with lust and gluttony all the good blessings I can possible handle...somehow  because I think I deserve it. How wrong I am, and how full of pride. Perhaps I don't see the grace of God, but think I need to earn whatever it is that I'm getting. But, truth be told, it's not about what we deserve in this life - or the afterlife. I have sinned, and I come to the Creator for forgiveness. I must, too, seek forgiveness from others for the hurt I've caused them. 

Although we don't put labels like gluttony, lust, envy, pride, anger, greed and sloth on everyday behaviors, I believe we sugar coat it and make it simply much softer than the harsh reality of the sin. Calling a sin a sin is saying the truth. It's the watered-down versions of sin, calling out mistakes or backsliding - is just wrong. Sin is crossing a line where one was drawn, or missing the mark - not living up to what God is calling out of us. I am a sinner, I have sinned. I confess that I have sinned against God and have looked to my own accomplishments for some kind of satisfaction. I can't believe I may have actually thought that doing what I want could possibly be following what God wants for my life. Options - yes, but the course of action I was taking was not in the waiting mode that God calls me to. I have taken matters into my own hands, and I am suffering and far away from Him because of it. 

Like each of us, this sin permeates all that I do, live, breathe...and I don't know any other way to release it but to fall on my knees in front of the cross and beg for God's grace and mercy to love me and cover me like a waterfall. We each have our sins, but not sure what to call them. We don't deserve the blessings He gives to us. Our loving Father, Lord, and Creator, gives us blessings and gifts out of His intense love for us. It's not because we deserve anything. And, so the gift of Jesus at Christmas is a gift of mercy on His people. The Father sent His only Son to be born as human, to live among us and teach us His ways, and to die and raise from the dead for the sins of all of us. Jesus died and rose again to free me from my sins, but I continue to put them back on daily. I must release them and find ways to allow God to enter between our flesh and the sins we carry.

Advent is a time of waiting - waiting for the Savior to come - a baby in a manger - a knight in shining armor to rescue us from ourselves. It's the dark places of our souls that wait for a bit of light - a candle flame - to spark the Truth within us. That seed of hope, love, peace and joy that will call us to new life, a stronger more loving and deeper life with God. 

Merry Christmas will come...and in that day or evening, I will wait for Him to enter this heart and bring peace and mercy to all of the earth. The Lord is near.

The bounce in my bungee

For the past year I've been on a portion of my spiritual journey that I don't remember traveling before. About this time last year, I truely felt abandoned by God - sort of. I wasn't noticing a real sense of direction for my life like I had before. Nor did I experience confirmation of decisions I had made or thoughts I wondered about. These words simply spilled out and fell to the floor in a dead puddle of mush the instant I spoke or thought of them. No acoustics, just dead air. I described it then as driving in a fog. And when I finally was able to "pull over" and rest for a bit, I was able to gather thoughts about so much of what I thought I knew. I was so busy with doing life that I had forgotten how to rest. I had not even entertained slowing down as an option. I rested when I was physically tired, but my brain wouldn't turn off. This time last year was a time for me to go to a nothing place; a place of surrender to all that I thought I needed to be, do, handle and manage. It was scary, exhausting, and full of wonder about what God was doing in me.

When the end of the winter came around, and my darkness was seeming to settle in...suddenly, like a flash of lightening on a cloudless day, I experienced a flood of dreams about what my future might hold. Pictures and words of "What if?" began to fill my head. Something new had awakened the sleeping giant and joy filled my heart! Perhaps these dreams (while completely awake) came as creative juices and stirrings to grow - or noticing growth -  and bring life to dead places. Maybe this was how I could notice new growth in a place that I thought was laid down for the season. Like tulip bulbs that waited all winter beneath the snow, little buds began to sprout.
 
I clearly remember so many things in my life that seemed to have been a path clearly laid out for me. I never interviewed for a job that I didn't get. I always moved towards jobs that I wanted, and was clearly qualified for. I always took the jobs I was offered, and then stayed there a relatively long time for each job. It's crazy to think I'm approaching the 8th anniversary of my current job. Even the decision to buy our home two years ago was clearly one of those "of course" kinds of experiences, when I just knew in my gut it was the right path for us to take. All of that has changed.

I sat quietly with a group of women last night, a spiritual direction group. I realized I continue to have way more questions than I could ever get answers for. And as I dig into wondering what God has in store for me in this time...I said out loud that I have grown comfortable with sitting in the questions. Perhaps I have...or I just feel that the growth that is happening within me, this saying no to old things and saying yes to new life-giving things is worth the wait. I mentioned that I feel as though God has been speaking to me so differently than ever before. I am experiencing options and choices that I don't remember having before. He shows me things and speaks through people around me in new ways. Ways that I find comically amusing at times, and sincerely deeply touching at other times. A few words here or there that point me in the same direction as others helps me to discern that the Holy Spirit is alive and well and living in me.

One gal in my group last night shared a picture from her head of bungee jumping. She said we may be very far away and near the ground below us or very close to the top and freely moving in the air, but always connected to our Creator. To her, the image of bungee jumping is terrifying. To me, that image is thrilling. It's something I've dreamed of doing for many years, but never have had the chance to actually do it. The risk of stepping out on faith, taking that step out into nothing and knowing in my head that God will protect me and provide all that I need in that moment. The "oh what the heck" feeling and flying out into weightlessness just for that few seconds while falling, that excites me and shakes me from my safe, responsible and somewhat boring middle-American life. This image was a golden nugget of truth to how my Creator has wired me, and how He knew specifically how it might speak to my soul.

Last night I processed some of my thoughts out loud with my facilitator after the group was over. And today, in a sweet twist of fate that caused a meeting to be rescheduled, an extra 30 minutes of my day was spent processing out loud with a close trusted friend about the same thoughts. These were divine moments indeed.

I realized that through this year of darkness, floods of dreams and options...that I could move towards making my own choices and options and still be in His will!
Really??!?
Is that really true?

Yes! I don't have to follow just one path in order to follow God's will for me. I have options, and I can choose the path laid out before me. It doesn't have to be just one way or another, and it could be both or either and God would still be pleased that I'm following Him and pursuing the deep questions and wonderings within me. But, how do I know this? I'll dig deeper and find confirmation where His word is solid.

My desire to be obedient, stay accountable, and responsible goes so far back to the beginning of me that I only know the "craziness" of dreaming in some specific instances. Those dreams and visions of what the future could hold felt cut down and stomped on when I pursued things that others, whom I respected, didn't agree with what I was doing.  "Stop dreaming - it'll just cause you pain and disappointment." So what!? But, those words stuck to me like wet paste and twisted the dreams I had of pursuing the soul work within me.

Reality settled in and I completed college, got a job, got married, had kids, and here I am today. I still have so many questions, so many dreams. Instead of looking into the future, I began to look at the past, and just tried to stay present to what was happening to me in the current space and time.

In that dark place a year ago, I picked up a printed article by Renee Miller from a favorite website. The words are the same as they were before. I printed them out, so it's not like the words could have been changed. But somehow, reading it again this week, the words seemed fresh and new. A different meaning began to jump right off the page into my soul. I stopped and burst into tears, knowing that my Jesus, my God, has continued to touch the deep crevices within me - and not only carved out a big hollow place, but He has chosen to dwell inside of me in that place. To bring all of who I am into all of who He is. This is sacred space - holy ground.

My biggest revelation today came as I read these things...that it's not that God is speaking to me differently than before - as I once had thought. I mean, this didn't feel like a burning bush kind of experience. Perhaps I've had it all wrong. He's not speaking to me differently...I'm listening to Him differently! Basically, I realized that I had been transformed in that dark place. Stepping out on faith, taking a risk to lead in places I know I can lead - and knowing when to follow has been a key part of my journey this year. The ebb and flow of the living water inside me...the up and down of the bungee cord. I am renewed, healing, restoring that which was lost.

The journey is far from over, and my willingness to step out once again to feel the thrill of the ride will continue to form me into who I am becoming - sitting comfortably with lots more questions. I will continue to watch, listen and wait for my Lord to speak to those deep caverns within my soul.

All in moderation

My dessert plate has been tasted, and savored. The past eight weeks starting something fun and new has brought me to wonder about who I am becoming, and just enough space to allow me to continue focus on my children, my deck project, and my marriage. I would love for the fun to continue, or to even grow...but I'm looking for some balance in my life. Ancient philosopher, Plato, said, "Moderation, which consists in an indifference about little things, and in a prudent and well-proportioned zeal about things of importance, can proceed from nothing but true knowledge, which has its foundation in self-acquaintance.” Boy, I'm looking for that - self-acquaintance. I'd love to get to know who I really am.

So, this blog post by Renee Miller is helping me to wonder if a complete diet of just sweet desserts is indeed what I'm looking for, or if I still need the variety in life to keep me able to fully experience and enjoy life. What things might be sprinkled into my life that are really desserts, and which are healthy options that I'm totally enjoying fully?
explorefaith.org - The Rice Krispie Treat Diet

Cautiously responding

Recently, I find myself second guessing how others feel about me and how they perceive my intentions. Here's an example.

I have some friends who have said they really need an administrative assistant, and that's something I'm really good at. Now, I'm not ready to leave my full time job that is a really good fit for me right now. But...I am excited about being able to help others out with details that come easily to me. I have many gifted artists who tell me they would give anything to be more detailed, and I tend to surround myself with both people and task driven people. I am resourceful, I am detailed, and I care for my friends in a unique way.

I am currently trying to contract out my services - sort of on a consulting basis. So...I create a simple spreadsheet, or I establish a template job description for a friend's business, and I get to do what I do best. But, I'm afraid that by volunteering to help, or by assuming they don't already have something like this, that I'm jumping to conclusions, and they could be bothered by how forward I am coming across.

My husband tells me that it's not forward, it's just being helpful. He also says that if they are friends, it's okay to test the waters and see if what I have is indeed helpful to them. Who knows if this may lead to opportunities to expand and diversify my talents.

I do not like to assume that people like me, or that they want to spend time with me...especially if it's someone that is really busy - and they have a very full plate. I don't want to get in the way of how others need to work in their business, because it's their business after all. I do want to be helpful, but tend to be bashful and humbled by any attention I am given in regards to how I like to help. But, this carefulness seems to be getting in the way of real relationships that can be helpful to both my friends and myself. I think I need to check my baggage at the door, and step more boldly into these relationships. I just don't know what it will take to be more confident of not only my abilities, but of my character as well.

My spiritual director emailed me the other day. Said she was thinking of me as she read these words, and that God is already at work, even before we begin our monthly group sessions together.  It read:
                       May you respond to the call of your gift and find the courage to follow its path!
So...I wonder, what gift? Or...should I say which gift? When will this path become clear? 

At first response, I smiled and laughed...and then the words sunk in deep like it was speaking to something deeper in my soul. The tears began to stream down, and it felt like I was being directly spoken to by God. 

If you know me recently, you also know that I've been in a strange place of discovery. I'm intrigued by the way I feel God has spoken to me in the past, and how I'm experiencing His voice very differently now. I wonder how it feels to really step into my giftings - and if this is how I am to answer the call. I don't even know that's what this is, but it feels like it is. 

Learning to trust my own gut instinct, and the knowledge that is in my head...that is something new. Something I have been too careful about, and so in my caution, I think I have missed some opportunities. 

Here's to stepping out boldly - taking some good risks - and stretching to actually grow in what I think I can do well in the future. Not just relying on what I've been able to do well in the past.  Lord, I ask you to press into me what is real, true, and that which will grow me to do as you call.

twenty-seven months have passed

trying to fill the space in my head where you used to sit. it's way early in the morning hours and i have yet to sleep. you must still be here with me, or i'd be resting and not thinking about you again.
my body is achy and tired, and my mind knows the best solution for those physical pains, but somehow the memory of twenty seven months ago when i last saw you lingers in my thoughts now.

trouble and difficulty will be manifested and twisted as i move through my day. sipping on hot caffeine and downing ibuprofen to remove the throbbing soreness in the temples of my brain. simple medical solutions to the grief and pain. it's not searing pain as it once was...but lingering and somehow strangely familiar.

when does the loss begin to feel less of a loss and more of a memory? i wonder often if your sails are open or closed as you move through eternity. i long for home, the place where you are. i long for that familiar gaze, scent, touch, voice to call out to the deep longing within me. you encouraged me. you comforted me. you made a difference to me. i can only hope to do the same with those around me as i continue to move through life on this planet without you as a traveling companion.

i think about your family, your friends, the many others who knew and loved you. the many others who didn't know you but know and care for your friends and family. how does this tragedy bring healing? you touched so many lives in similar ways. how do they experience your death? just as i do?

differently than i?

when will the grief stop being painful and cease my sleeplessness? when will i be able to fully release you into the care of our creator? when will i halt from writing down the thoughts of you that haunt my inner soul?
i love you, my sister in christ. i love you my friend. and love does not cease. even in grief.

my children, my spouse, and those dear to me now...they know my grief, they see it, they remember it affects me, and they are the ones to now comfort me and encourage me.
it doesn't make me forget, or feel less discomfort over the tragedy that pulled you from this world and into the next. but, it does remind me that life is about living and being alive. and since i'm still here, perhaps i am charged to do just that. and to help others do what they can with the lives they, too, have been given.

for those in pain and suffering places here on earth, what does it mean to them? is their hurt as deep? deeper? what must the heart of our god say to that? he must, too, be reaching towards something. i pray and hope that god listens and hears my prayers as lyrical pieces of music to his ears. that is all that i can reach for tonight. a bit of acoustic healing.

acousticjulia

You can find me on twitter with the name acousticjulia. Because I'm a lover of music, and I desperately and peacefully try to hear God clearly...I felt this to be an appropriate moniker.

a·cous·tic  (-kstk)

adj. also a·cous·ti·cal (-st-kl)

1. Of or relating to sound, the sense of hearing, or the science of sound.

2.

a. Designed to carry sound or to aid in hearing.

b. Designed to absorb or control sound: acoustic tile.

3. Music

a. Of or being an instrument that does not produce or enhance sound electronically: an acoustic guitar; an acoustic bass.

b. Being a performance that features such instruments: opened the show with an acoustic set.

n. Music

An acoustic instrument.

Class reunion

Sorry to be so cynical...just being real here. I took the time and actually got excited to see a few old friends at my 25th high school class reunion last night, and what would you know but we struggled to hear each other over the amazingly loud voices and music in the room with thick walls where every drop jumped right back at you. Out of a class of 506 students, 125 had said they'd be there. Then, add several who didn't show and several who showed up anyways...and we had quite a mix of classmates. Some who knew each other well, and others who had lost touch over the past several years. Again, others like me who haven't connected with anyone from the class for the entire 25 years. In fact, I barely remember most of these people. Funny how our paths crossed before, but we're strangers in a new time.

It was just what I expected, so-so food, 80's music, crazy photographer trying to get our group shot, and also a shot of each junior high and elementary school group possible. I found that piece to be a little weird, since I actually went to three different elementary schools, and not sure I remember many of the folks there. I had hoped to see a few more familiar faces, but some people looked so different that I barely recognized them.
A friend of mine since junior high didn't look like I remembered at all...but then when she said my name with that voice and inflection - it was definitely memorable - and it was like we were right back there again.

One weird thing that I felt while I was there was how several of my old classmates reminded me of people in my current life. I found Karin reminded me of Deb. Lisa reminded me of Robin. Jane reminded me of Jan. Theresa reminded me of Tracy. It was like being in some Twilight Zone episode.
The guys didn't remind me of anyone currently, and perhaps having my husband with me - who also graduated from the same school just a year ahead of me, was a solid point of grounding. It helped me to keep hold of reality, while I was moving through a strange surreal experience. All the old converging with memories of the new. Like I was going through some weird time machine - back and forth - and back again.

Several people told me how good I looked, and how I was easy to recognize since I looked the same as in high school. One friend mentioned that I looked "good" and I said it must be all the clean living. He said that must be why he looks like crap - all that not-so-clean living. His wife was there with him that night. I'm not quite sure what has come of them...but it was interesting to just stay so far on the surface with so many people and not be able to dive in deeper with people and tell them what I'm doing or what I care most about.

I felt a bit connected, and yet completely unconnected all at the same time. It was really weird. Right down to the pushy photographer that just wanted to sell his photos to each classmate. And, the live music wasn't bad...but just plain hard to hear in that very loud room. There were only a few that I felt really wanted to get to know more about me, and that I cared to get to know more about as well. I was somewhat self-centered that night - and I suppose that colors my experience as well.

Dear class of 1985...keep your leg warmers and Zubas - and give me some Prince, Eric Clapton & U2. I'll keep the handful of friends who actually care about building relationships now...and will choose not to see the rest for another five to ten to fifteen years if we live that long. Sorry to be so cynical...just being real here.