Mercy for sinners

Advent is a time of waiting - waiting for the Savior to come - a baby in a manger - a knight in shining armor to rescue me from myself. It's the dark places of my soul that wait for a bit of light - a candle flame - to spark the Truth within me. That seed of hope, love, peace and joy that will call me to a new life, a stronger more loving and deeper life with God.

My entire life I've tried to live up to others expectations of me. Waiting for no one, I venture out on my own. I continue on ahead - putting things together without reading directions. I create new processes and procedures for how I think things should be done, and I don't stop to think that maybe someone else might have a good idea or that they might know better than I do. My teachers encouraged me and my parents challenged me to push myself to excel and pursue greatness within my gifts. When I strive to use my own accomplishments as fuel for continuing the pursuit of happiness, I often put blinders on and forget about people on the side-lines that I love, but don't even see.

How is this pattern I've created ever going to be reshaped and remolded into letting myself be more what I want of me, and what God wants of me. Maybe that's it right there - it's not about what I want. How do I learn to let go of the control issues that every human in America strives for?Or, is it just me? Why do I care what others (loved ones, family and friends) think about me? Why am I not completely satisfied with being the beloved daughter of a loving God? Why is that not enough for me? Is it that I'm not grateful? I don't live with peace in my heart - or is it that striving to do that is also a way for me to be the perfect deserving one? I rely so much on my "god-given gifts and talents" that I forget that God has given me these gifts for His glory, not mine.

Lord, forgive me!!! My pride is what gets in the way. Pride is thinking too much or too little of oneself - of believing an extreme deservedness to good or evil. Pride is listed as one of the seven deadly sins. It is "the mother of all sins... the thin line between righteousness and self-righteousness." Medieval theologian, Thomas Aquinas said "inordinate self-love is the cause of every sin ... the root of pride is found to consist in man not being, in some way, subject to God and His rule." Pride is excessive belief in one's own abilities, that interferes with the individual's recognition of the grace of God. It has been called the sin from which all others arise. I feel as though I'm letting many of my own sins get in the way of my growth in God. I think I deserve this good life I've been given - the accomplishments I've made in work, family, and projects. I take and gobble up with lust and gluttony all the good blessings I can possible handle...somehow  because I think I deserve it. How wrong I am, and how full of pride. Perhaps I don't see the grace of God, but think I need to earn whatever it is that I'm getting. But, truth be told, it's not about what we deserve in this life - or the afterlife. I have sinned, and I come to the Creator for forgiveness. I must, too, seek forgiveness from others for the hurt I've caused them. 

Although we don't put labels like gluttony, lust, envy, pride, anger, greed and sloth on everyday behaviors, I believe we sugar coat it and make it simply much softer than the harsh reality of the sin. Calling a sin a sin is saying the truth. It's the watered-down versions of sin, calling out mistakes or backsliding - is just wrong. Sin is crossing a line where one was drawn, or missing the mark - not living up to what God is calling out of us. I am a sinner, I have sinned. I confess that I have sinned against God and have looked to my own accomplishments for some kind of satisfaction. I can't believe I may have actually thought that doing what I want could possibly be following what God wants for my life. Options - yes, but the course of action I was taking was not in the waiting mode that God calls me to. I have taken matters into my own hands, and I am suffering and far away from Him because of it. 

Like each of us, this sin permeates all that I do, live, breathe...and I don't know any other way to release it but to fall on my knees in front of the cross and beg for God's grace and mercy to love me and cover me like a waterfall. We each have our sins, but not sure what to call them. We don't deserve the blessings He gives to us. Our loving Father, Lord, and Creator, gives us blessings and gifts out of His intense love for us. It's not because we deserve anything. And, so the gift of Jesus at Christmas is a gift of mercy on His people. The Father sent His only Son to be born as human, to live among us and teach us His ways, and to die and raise from the dead for the sins of all of us. Jesus died and rose again to free me from my sins, but I continue to put them back on daily. I must release them and find ways to allow God to enter between our flesh and the sins we carry.

Advent is a time of waiting - waiting for the Savior to come - a baby in a manger - a knight in shining armor to rescue us from ourselves. It's the dark places of our souls that wait for a bit of light - a candle flame - to spark the Truth within us. That seed of hope, love, peace and joy that will call us to new life, a stronger more loving and deeper life with God. 

Merry Christmas will come...and in that day or evening, I will wait for Him to enter this heart and bring peace and mercy to all of the earth. The Lord is near.

The bounce in my bungee

For the past year I've been on a portion of my spiritual journey that I don't remember traveling before. About this time last year, I truely felt abandoned by God - sort of. I wasn't noticing a real sense of direction for my life like I had before. Nor did I experience confirmation of decisions I had made or thoughts I wondered about. These words simply spilled out and fell to the floor in a dead puddle of mush the instant I spoke or thought of them. No acoustics, just dead air. I described it then as driving in a fog. And when I finally was able to "pull over" and rest for a bit, I was able to gather thoughts about so much of what I thought I knew. I was so busy with doing life that I had forgotten how to rest. I had not even entertained slowing down as an option. I rested when I was physically tired, but my brain wouldn't turn off. This time last year was a time for me to go to a nothing place; a place of surrender to all that I thought I needed to be, do, handle and manage. It was scary, exhausting, and full of wonder about what God was doing in me.

When the end of the winter came around, and my darkness was seeming to settle in...suddenly, like a flash of lightening on a cloudless day, I experienced a flood of dreams about what my future might hold. Pictures and words of "What if?" began to fill my head. Something new had awakened the sleeping giant and joy filled my heart! Perhaps these dreams (while completely awake) came as creative juices and stirrings to grow - or noticing growth -  and bring life to dead places. Maybe this was how I could notice new growth in a place that I thought was laid down for the season. Like tulip bulbs that waited all winter beneath the snow, little buds began to sprout.
 
I clearly remember so many things in my life that seemed to have been a path clearly laid out for me. I never interviewed for a job that I didn't get. I always moved towards jobs that I wanted, and was clearly qualified for. I always took the jobs I was offered, and then stayed there a relatively long time for each job. It's crazy to think I'm approaching the 8th anniversary of my current job. Even the decision to buy our home two years ago was clearly one of those "of course" kinds of experiences, when I just knew in my gut it was the right path for us to take. All of that has changed.

I sat quietly with a group of women last night, a spiritual direction group. I realized I continue to have way more questions than I could ever get answers for. And as I dig into wondering what God has in store for me in this time...I said out loud that I have grown comfortable with sitting in the questions. Perhaps I have...or I just feel that the growth that is happening within me, this saying no to old things and saying yes to new life-giving things is worth the wait. I mentioned that I feel as though God has been speaking to me so differently than ever before. I am experiencing options and choices that I don't remember having before. He shows me things and speaks through people around me in new ways. Ways that I find comically amusing at times, and sincerely deeply touching at other times. A few words here or there that point me in the same direction as others helps me to discern that the Holy Spirit is alive and well and living in me.

One gal in my group last night shared a picture from her head of bungee jumping. She said we may be very far away and near the ground below us or very close to the top and freely moving in the air, but always connected to our Creator. To her, the image of bungee jumping is terrifying. To me, that image is thrilling. It's something I've dreamed of doing for many years, but never have had the chance to actually do it. The risk of stepping out on faith, taking that step out into nothing and knowing in my head that God will protect me and provide all that I need in that moment. The "oh what the heck" feeling and flying out into weightlessness just for that few seconds while falling, that excites me and shakes me from my safe, responsible and somewhat boring middle-American life. This image was a golden nugget of truth to how my Creator has wired me, and how He knew specifically how it might speak to my soul.

Last night I processed some of my thoughts out loud with my facilitator after the group was over. And today, in a sweet twist of fate that caused a meeting to be rescheduled, an extra 30 minutes of my day was spent processing out loud with a close trusted friend about the same thoughts. These were divine moments indeed.

I realized that through this year of darkness, floods of dreams and options...that I could move towards making my own choices and options and still be in His will!
Really??!?
Is that really true?

Yes! I don't have to follow just one path in order to follow God's will for me. I have options, and I can choose the path laid out before me. It doesn't have to be just one way or another, and it could be both or either and God would still be pleased that I'm following Him and pursuing the deep questions and wonderings within me. But, how do I know this? I'll dig deeper and find confirmation where His word is solid.

My desire to be obedient, stay accountable, and responsible goes so far back to the beginning of me that I only know the "craziness" of dreaming in some specific instances. Those dreams and visions of what the future could hold felt cut down and stomped on when I pursued things that others, whom I respected, didn't agree with what I was doing.  "Stop dreaming - it'll just cause you pain and disappointment." So what!? But, those words stuck to me like wet paste and twisted the dreams I had of pursuing the soul work within me.

Reality settled in and I completed college, got a job, got married, had kids, and here I am today. I still have so many questions, so many dreams. Instead of looking into the future, I began to look at the past, and just tried to stay present to what was happening to me in the current space and time.

In that dark place a year ago, I picked up a printed article by Renee Miller from a favorite website. The words are the same as they were before. I printed them out, so it's not like the words could have been changed. But somehow, reading it again this week, the words seemed fresh and new. A different meaning began to jump right off the page into my soul. I stopped and burst into tears, knowing that my Jesus, my God, has continued to touch the deep crevices within me - and not only carved out a big hollow place, but He has chosen to dwell inside of me in that place. To bring all of who I am into all of who He is. This is sacred space - holy ground.

My biggest revelation today came as I read these things...that it's not that God is speaking to me differently than before - as I once had thought. I mean, this didn't feel like a burning bush kind of experience. Perhaps I've had it all wrong. He's not speaking to me differently...I'm listening to Him differently! Basically, I realized that I had been transformed in that dark place. Stepping out on faith, taking a risk to lead in places I know I can lead - and knowing when to follow has been a key part of my journey this year. The ebb and flow of the living water inside me...the up and down of the bungee cord. I am renewed, healing, restoring that which was lost.

The journey is far from over, and my willingness to step out once again to feel the thrill of the ride will continue to form me into who I am becoming - sitting comfortably with lots more questions. I will continue to watch, listen and wait for my Lord to speak to those deep caverns within my soul.

All in moderation

My dessert plate has been tasted, and savored. The past eight weeks starting something fun and new has brought me to wonder about who I am becoming, and just enough space to allow me to continue focus on my children, my deck project, and my marriage. I would love for the fun to continue, or to even grow...but I'm looking for some balance in my life. Ancient philosopher, Plato, said, "Moderation, which consists in an indifference about little things, and in a prudent and well-proportioned zeal about things of importance, can proceed from nothing but true knowledge, which has its foundation in self-acquaintance.” Boy, I'm looking for that - self-acquaintance. I'd love to get to know who I really am.

So, this blog post by Renee Miller is helping me to wonder if a complete diet of just sweet desserts is indeed what I'm looking for, or if I still need the variety in life to keep me able to fully experience and enjoy life. What things might be sprinkled into my life that are really desserts, and which are healthy options that I'm totally enjoying fully?
explorefaith.org - The Rice Krispie Treat Diet

Cautiously responding

Recently, I find myself second guessing how others feel about me and how they perceive my intentions. Here's an example.

I have some friends who have said they really need an administrative assistant, and that's something I'm really good at. Now, I'm not ready to leave my full time job that is a really good fit for me right now. But...I am excited about being able to help others out with details that come easily to me. I have many gifted artists who tell me they would give anything to be more detailed, and I tend to surround myself with both people and task driven people. I am resourceful, I am detailed, and I care for my friends in a unique way.

I am currently trying to contract out my services - sort of on a consulting basis. So...I create a simple spreadsheet, or I establish a template job description for a friend's business, and I get to do what I do best. But, I'm afraid that by volunteering to help, or by assuming they don't already have something like this, that I'm jumping to conclusions, and they could be bothered by how forward I am coming across.

My husband tells me that it's not forward, it's just being helpful. He also says that if they are friends, it's okay to test the waters and see if what I have is indeed helpful to them. Who knows if this may lead to opportunities to expand and diversify my talents.

I do not like to assume that people like me, or that they want to spend time with me...especially if it's someone that is really busy - and they have a very full plate. I don't want to get in the way of how others need to work in their business, because it's their business after all. I do want to be helpful, but tend to be bashful and humbled by any attention I am given in regards to how I like to help. But, this carefulness seems to be getting in the way of real relationships that can be helpful to both my friends and myself. I think I need to check my baggage at the door, and step more boldly into these relationships. I just don't know what it will take to be more confident of not only my abilities, but of my character as well.

My spiritual director emailed me the other day. Said she was thinking of me as she read these words, and that God is already at work, even before we begin our monthly group sessions together.  It read:
                       May you respond to the call of your gift and find the courage to follow its path!
So...I wonder, what gift? Or...should I say which gift? When will this path become clear? 

At first response, I smiled and laughed...and then the words sunk in deep like it was speaking to something deeper in my soul. The tears began to stream down, and it felt like I was being directly spoken to by God. 

If you know me recently, you also know that I've been in a strange place of discovery. I'm intrigued by the way I feel God has spoken to me in the past, and how I'm experiencing His voice very differently now. I wonder how it feels to really step into my giftings - and if this is how I am to answer the call. I don't even know that's what this is, but it feels like it is. 

Learning to trust my own gut instinct, and the knowledge that is in my head...that is something new. Something I have been too careful about, and so in my caution, I think I have missed some opportunities. 

Here's to stepping out boldly - taking some good risks - and stretching to actually grow in what I think I can do well in the future. Not just relying on what I've been able to do well in the past.  Lord, I ask you to press into me what is real, true, and that which will grow me to do as you call.

twenty-seven months have passed

trying to fill the space in my head where you used to sit. it's way early in the morning hours and i have yet to sleep. you must still be here with me, or i'd be resting and not thinking about you again.
my body is achy and tired, and my mind knows the best solution for those physical pains, but somehow the memory of twenty seven months ago when i last saw you lingers in my thoughts now.

trouble and difficulty will be manifested and twisted as i move through my day. sipping on hot caffeine and downing ibuprofen to remove the throbbing soreness in the temples of my brain. simple medical solutions to the grief and pain. it's not searing pain as it once was...but lingering and somehow strangely familiar.

when does the loss begin to feel less of a loss and more of a memory? i wonder often if your sails are open or closed as you move through eternity. i long for home, the place where you are. i long for that familiar gaze, scent, touch, voice to call out to the deep longing within me. you encouraged me. you comforted me. you made a difference to me. i can only hope to do the same with those around me as i continue to move through life on this planet without you as a traveling companion.

i think about your family, your friends, the many others who knew and loved you. the many others who didn't know you but know and care for your friends and family. how does this tragedy bring healing? you touched so many lives in similar ways. how do they experience your death? just as i do?

differently than i?

when will the grief stop being painful and cease my sleeplessness? when will i be able to fully release you into the care of our creator? when will i halt from writing down the thoughts of you that haunt my inner soul?
i love you, my sister in christ. i love you my friend. and love does not cease. even in grief.

my children, my spouse, and those dear to me now...they know my grief, they see it, they remember it affects me, and they are the ones to now comfort me and encourage me.
it doesn't make me forget, or feel less discomfort over the tragedy that pulled you from this world and into the next. but, it does remind me that life is about living and being alive. and since i'm still here, perhaps i am charged to do just that. and to help others do what they can with the lives they, too, have been given.

for those in pain and suffering places here on earth, what does it mean to them? is their hurt as deep? deeper? what must the heart of our god say to that? he must, too, be reaching towards something. i pray and hope that god listens and hears my prayers as lyrical pieces of music to his ears. that is all that i can reach for tonight. a bit of acoustic healing.

acousticjulia

You can find me on twitter with the name acousticjulia. Because I'm a lover of music, and I desperately and peacefully try to hear God clearly...I felt this to be an appropriate moniker.

a·cous·tic  (-kstk)

adj. also a·cous·ti·cal (-st-kl)

1. Of or relating to sound, the sense of hearing, or the science of sound.

2.

a. Designed to carry sound or to aid in hearing.

b. Designed to absorb or control sound: acoustic tile.

3. Music

a. Of or being an instrument that does not produce or enhance sound electronically: an acoustic guitar; an acoustic bass.

b. Being a performance that features such instruments: opened the show with an acoustic set.

n. Music

An acoustic instrument.

Class reunion

Sorry to be so cynical...just being real here. I took the time and actually got excited to see a few old friends at my 25th high school class reunion last night, and what would you know but we struggled to hear each other over the amazingly loud voices and music in the room with thick walls where every drop jumped right back at you. Out of a class of 506 students, 125 had said they'd be there. Then, add several who didn't show and several who showed up anyways...and we had quite a mix of classmates. Some who knew each other well, and others who had lost touch over the past several years. Again, others like me who haven't connected with anyone from the class for the entire 25 years. In fact, I barely remember most of these people. Funny how our paths crossed before, but we're strangers in a new time.

It was just what I expected, so-so food, 80's music, crazy photographer trying to get our group shot, and also a shot of each junior high and elementary school group possible. I found that piece to be a little weird, since I actually went to three different elementary schools, and not sure I remember many of the folks there. I had hoped to see a few more familiar faces, but some people looked so different that I barely recognized them.
A friend of mine since junior high didn't look like I remembered at all...but then when she said my name with that voice and inflection - it was definitely memorable - and it was like we were right back there again.

One weird thing that I felt while I was there was how several of my old classmates reminded me of people in my current life. I found Karin reminded me of Deb. Lisa reminded me of Robin. Jane reminded me of Jan. Theresa reminded me of Tracy. It was like being in some Twilight Zone episode.
The guys didn't remind me of anyone currently, and perhaps having my husband with me - who also graduated from the same school just a year ahead of me, was a solid point of grounding. It helped me to keep hold of reality, while I was moving through a strange surreal experience. All the old converging with memories of the new. Like I was going through some weird time machine - back and forth - and back again.

Several people told me how good I looked, and how I was easy to recognize since I looked the same as in high school. One friend mentioned that I looked "good" and I said it must be all the clean living. He said that must be why he looks like crap - all that not-so-clean living. His wife was there with him that night. I'm not quite sure what has come of them...but it was interesting to just stay so far on the surface with so many people and not be able to dive in deeper with people and tell them what I'm doing or what I care most about.

I felt a bit connected, and yet completely unconnected all at the same time. It was really weird. Right down to the pushy photographer that just wanted to sell his photos to each classmate. And, the live music wasn't bad...but just plain hard to hear in that very loud room. There were only a few that I felt really wanted to get to know more about me, and that I cared to get to know more about as well. I was somewhat self-centered that night - and I suppose that colors my experience as well.

Dear class of 1985...keep your leg warmers and Zubas - and give me some Prince, Eric Clapton & U2. I'll keep the handful of friends who actually care about building relationships now...and will choose not to see the rest for another five to ten to fifteen years if we live that long. Sorry to be so cynical...just being real here.

Hurt feelings

My sister is visiting from Seattle this weekend, and she's staying with my brother and his family. I love my sister and brother very much, but we are not close. We don't talk very often, not even by phone or text. This past week we have had extended family in town to visit, and that has brought my sister to visit for the second time in 11 years. The previous time was just three years ago.


A week or two before my sister arrived, she called to say she had a full agenda of things to do, "because mom won't do anything to entertain [our family] so we have to...and I have some things that I want to do while I'm in town, and I don't care if anyone else wants to come with me or not, but these are the things I want to do." Okay...now the rest of this is my paraphrase...but this is how I heard the incredibly long monologue..."on Thursday I'll stop at the store on my way from the airport and get some groceries, and we can have a barbeque at mom's house with everyone. Then, on Friday I'm going to the Mall of America, and anyone can come with or not. Then on Friday night we should take mom out to someplace where there is live music that she would like so we can all be together, do you think there is anyplace like that with music that she will like and everyone can come - but they don't have to - and then Saturday [my brother] and I are going up to see Dad for the day and you guys can come with, I know Dad would like that. Then, Saturday night I thought we'd make homemade sushi, so can you find a place to get some fresh fish so we can do that? Then, Sunday I'm going home in the afternoon so we can visit a little then."

Wow...even just writing that winded me. I was speechless. I didn't know what to say. She just completely overwhelmed me with her agenda, and no concern for the plans that anyone else may have had - or the fact that I have little kids and some things are not family friendly - so I'd have to pay for a babysitter to watch my kids.

She is the middle child, I the oldest, and my brother the last. They say that birth order has a lot to do with personality, and I can see that in many cases, but I also believe that people can change and become and grow into the true person that they were originally meant to be. I believe that I have changed a lot in the past 25 years since I graduated from high school, and that my years in college, in the working world, and as a wife and mother has changed who I am and how I relate to people. I also believe that my faith in Christ has changed how I see the world and that I try to be much more gentle and kind to those around me. However...somehow I didn't feel so kind and gentle to her or my family last evening.

http://www.incourage.me/2010/07/say_what.html
This article is from a blog I follow that pretty much says what I've been feeling. I feel like I've stuck my foot in my mouth, but mostly because I've felt like the person I think I am now is not who my siblings think I am.  Again, we aren't close. And, it's been rather difficult to get to know each other on a deeper one-on-one level mostly because of distance and busyness of our lives. My feelings were hurt by a perception that my sister voiced to me last night...assuming that I believed the same thing about myself. But, I don't see myself as any better, smarter, prettier, or "the favorite"..as she seems to think. I felt like all of those things were a bad thing by the way she made the comment. I was a scholar and good student in high school. That doesn't necessarily make me more intelligent than other siblings just because that's who she remembers me to be 25 years ago. In fact, I took it as an insult. That one perception is all that she sees, and doesn't care to know who I am today. Ouch...I hope I don't treat others that way. I also hope that she sees and can someday realize how each of us is gifted and talented in our own way, and that God has created each of us to be uniquely different.

Lord, be with me today, and teach me the words to say that will uplift and heal, not tear down and hurt.

Beautiful

I lost a dear friend two weeks ago to a nasty disease that eats away at flesh, bones, blood, mind, and conscience. Today would have marked her 44th birthday. I am so saddened by the madness that is what remains now. But, I am also keenly aware of how she has affected me these past two growing seasons. You see, Michele was a gardener. It's one thing we had in common, besides a faith in God, loving friends who know how to share a salad, and a love for all things beautiful. She was my inspiration for veggie gardening, for working in the perennials, and for getting out and weeding as often as I could.

Michele worked on staff with us at church, and walked through a very painful time of grief with all of us as we mourned the tragic death of another friend and coworker almost two years ago. She worked as facilities personnel, the only gal on a huge team of men who take care of the building and grounds of our church. She cleaned bathrooms, planted perennials, and lead the team that decorated for Christmas, Easter, and other special holidays. Along with her life partner, her husband Terry, they made an amazing team. The intense love they have for each other will never die. He journeyed the short road of life with her as they brought three amazing kids into the world and ushered them into adulthood. They did so much of everything together, and walked through cancer surgery, treatments, and pain management as well. This past year has been very tough, and the pain management was just about all they could do. She was not ready for hospice, she was not ready for not being at church. I last saw her in person a couple weeks ago at church, and she looked tired, slightly hunched over from the cancer in the bones of her back and hips, and no longer had the beautiful brunette mane she carried so wistfully with the amazing genuine smile. She was beginning to feel the effects of the end, but we didn't know that then.

Her life on earth is over, but her life lives on in the memories of those who loved her, her children, her husband, her parents and siblings, and her friends. Michele's gift of hospitality, her gift for leaving beauty in her wake is a gift she leaves for all of us. Her quiet gentle spirit had just enough spunk in her to say the most out of character kinds of things...and to make others smile.  I miss you, Michele.

Happy Freedom Day, America

I love Independence Day, Freedom Day, America's birthday...July 4, 1776. What a great anniversary to celebrate annually with fireworks, barbecue and friends and family.
I also care deeply for the military families in America - the sacrifice they make in sending their family members across the globe in the name of Freedom. Thank you!

I hope you get to enjoy your freedom today, as I am doing right in the middle of my two week vacation from work. It's not been much of a vacation...in fact we're refinishing the deck on our American dream. But, feeling grateful that we get to own a home, live in this great country - despite it's crazy dysfunctional politics and systems, and publicly share my thoughts, feelings, and religious transformation on the internet anytime I want to.

Enjoy the day...and look for your moments in light in the fireworks tonight. I'll be there. 

Metaphor for my life - my full plate.

Does the dessert plate still look and taste good even if you're dinner plate is too full - and you're still chewing on the meal? I tell my kids they don't get to have dessert if they don't finish their main meal. I remember when I was a little kid my dad telling me that there were starving children in other countries and I should be grateful for the food on my plate. I am reminded of that fact every day - watching images from my friend's mission trip to Haiti as he sends them back to us via his iPhone.


I ran into a friend at church on Sunday and mentioned a little of what I'm hoping for this summer. She said - "Oh I get it...this is the dessert plate!" I loved that thought. What am I thinking? Picking up a dessert plate in the middle of a meal? But, the metaphor is getting bigger by the minute.

I'm totally engaged with my work right now - without much room for moving around in it. That's only the main course on my plate. I feel like I'm carrying the pack mule -instead of the other way around. Not quite sure why...but deadlines are fast approaching and my intense focus is required to stay into any one project of the 5 or 6 things I feel I'm carrying...that I'm unable to multitask as I often do. I'm used to dropping things here and there - but able to pick them back up again at any moment to complete and follow through. Lately, I am dropping things...and forgetting about picking them up, and that's not good. People around me have needed to remind me about unfinished projects. Ugh! I need help knowing which balls are rubber balls that will bounce, and which ones are glass and will break. I don't want to break glass balls, whatever...and yet, that's what I feel I may be doing. Not intentionally...but the fear of doing just that is causing nervousness and tension. I constantly think about what the future will hold - what does my schedule for tomorrow look like? What will I do on vacation next week? What will I feed the kids for breakfast? For dinner? etc. I hate living in the future - because I'm missing out on the present moment.

My family feels like a glass ball. It's the veggies on my plate. Something I enjoy, fresh and colorful, but also something that I have to do because it's good for me. Tonight, I got terribly angry at my 5-yr-old son. I turned on the outdoor hose to fill a watering can and as I went around to water the plants - my son grabbed the hose and sprayed his sister. I said "put it down." and he obediently obliged. I then proceeded to the front of the house to water the rest of the plants - and he picked up the hose once again and this time sprayed the house (windows I had just cleaned this weekend) and the porch where my work laptop was sitting plugged into an outdoor outlet. I got so angry - I went right up to him, grabbed the hose and sprayed him top to bottom with water. His clothes now soaking wet, we marched into the house  - into the bathtub - kicking and screaming that he was cold. I got him into the tub with some firm words...and a dirty look from my husband. I was hoping the water would send a message. He obviously sent one to me! Play mom! Don't worry about things, mom! I'm a boy, and I just want to have a little fun! But, I was so wrapped up in the thought of the future house guests we're expecting this weekend, and how I need to redo the work of cleaning the windows - that it was just enough to send me reeling! I had no patience - I had to calm or freedom to enjoy the moment with him. I was a slave to my own fears, my adult brain - the one that plans in advance and must be in control.

Next are the staples on my plate  - the potatoes, rice, bread...the fiber and whole grains that give essential nutrients and life for the long haul. This is part of my God-given gift of mercy, compassion, intercession and relationship. I have a friend lying in ICU tonight. I'm afraid we're losing her to the nasty cancer that had invaded her body several years ago and has returned in the past week. Also, one of my long-time prayer warriors died last week. Pat was a dear woman, who asked for a staff directory so she could pray and meditate on the names of those who lead her church. She was a sweet little white-haired gal who was baptized in the lake one summer at the age of 74. She had an amazing story of life and love...and although I didn't know her intimately, I will miss her. This weekend also marks the two year anniversary of the death of my friend, Julie; whose tragic death on the Temperance River was a story of bravery, and innocence. She was my lunch buddy, my dear friend who befriended everyone she met and made them feel like the most important person in the whole world. She was an amazing friend. I miss her terribly. My heart aches for these women tonight. I can hardly stand it. But, it's this burden I carry to the cross - to let Jesus hold these women in His arms...so I can simply intercede for the one who is still here, that her heart be comforted, and her body be healed - if even after this life. My heart feels like it's damaged. I need to be healed - as only Jesus can do.

So...anything extra I want to do this summer - like helping out a friend with his business - feels like a fun project...a dessert plate. Perhaps some minimal nutritional value - but definitely something for the soul! Something not on my current plate - something chocolaty and decadent. Hmmm...eat dessert first? Not terribly responsible or "right" but definitely a thought for what I want. But...what do I do with all the other stuff on my plate? Can I get through the stuff on my current plate in time to still eat dessert? What if I take less of the stuff on my main plate - would that help? What if I move some of it to another plate - or save some for another meal time? Should I still eat the dessert? What if I eat all of my main meal and then I'm just too full that the dessert doesn't even taste good anymore? Will I be able to save it for another treat time?

Lord, I am asking for your help as you guide me. I no longer feel your presence, but my mind and your word tells me you're still here. I will continue to seek you until I can see, hear or feel you near me. I find myself wrapped up in a future I have no control over and know nothing about. I speculate and plan, wonder and imagine, guess and maneuver - and need some real reminders to stay present to the stuff around me, the day to day life of being a wife, mother, worker, and friend. Help me to stay grounded in your word, your example of living in God's love, and to stay in the here and now. I need you, Jesus, please be near me.

Facelift

My blog looks a little different tonight. The bright lights shining from behind...with what do I see before me?
My life. 

Thanks to Blogger's new template designer...I'm trying a few different new looks. Not sure which one - or several I'll try on for size...but this is I'm landing on for right now. I'll bet it won't stay this way.

It's like trying on shoes. The right pair of shoes can really make a whole outfit - or completely ruin it.
Tell me what you think.

The deathless dream

"we need a renaissance of wonder. we need to renew, in our hearts & in our souls, the deathless dream, the eternal poetry, the perennial sense that life is miracle & magic."
e. merrill root

This quote was borrowed from www.juliesteiskal.com. My friend, Julie, died two years ago on the evening of  June 25, 2008. That day was a pivotal day in my life...a day I will never forget, nor do I want to return to. Although I do return to it often in my memories.  That day felt like the start of a series of events that changed my life forever. I never would have imagined my life as it is now - back on that day. I never would have imagined the places that God has taken me, the things I would be doing, working with the people that I am working with, living in the house I live in, and enjoying gardening as much as I do. I'm still working at church, but in a different capacity, a different era, a different place spiritually. There are different people in place, different departments, different projects, different life stories.

If I look back on my life, I do realize that there have been other significant markers in my life that I never would have dreamed of before. My children, my life with my husband, my parents' health issues, my financial situation...all of these things have had places to mark beginnings and endings.

And, I know that my future is full of amazing wonderful things. I can feel it. I am recapturing that deathless dream. That something inside me that has been a seed planted long ago. A seed that is germinating now, after a long cold winter of life...and it's just now beginning to open and push the green possibilities up from beneath. Still so new. Still so tender and fragile. But, hopeful of a full life with a colorful bloom...in the summer of life.

This is a time in my life when the sacred past, sacred present and sacred future are all converging in one place. What is this place in my life? How did I get here, and where am I going? Wondering and waiting has never tasted so sweet or been so interesting to me  - well, not for a very long time. I guess that's why I am awake for now. I am grateful.

Romans 8:24-27

For in this hope we were saved. But hope that is seen is no hope at all. Who hopes for what he already has? But if we hope for what we do not yet have, we wait for it patiently.
In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groans that words cannot express. And he who searches our hearts knows the mind of the Spirit, because the Spirit intercedes for the saints in accordance with God's will. - NIV

I really want to write...

but I can't. I'm exhausted, and the extrovert me did a lot of talking today...thus processing my thoughts. I really want to write about the birds, eggs, nests and other thoughts that screamed in my head today as I shared my last blog entry with a dear friend. She, too, was seeing herself in the nest - but in a different way. We seem to be travelling parralel paths. I just wish I knew what was at the end...but then again, let it be a surprise.

I'm not waiting by the phone, but a friend of mine said he'd call this week to talk about an opportunity for me. I'm pretty excited, partly because I'm a huge fan of his, but mostly because I'm feeling God calling me to something new. It's not quite the momma bird calling her fledgling out of the nest to come and get the food and learn how to fly...but almost a push from behind like a mother eagle does to her young. Then, as she swoops beneath them to carry them back up in the air, they drop again like a rock, and she's right there to swoop them up again to try again until they get the strength in their wings. Almost feels like bungee jumping. Wonder if I'm ready to take the leap - or how much more wing strengthening I'm going to need before I'm ready to leave the nest.

Okay...so I guess I did have something to say. Goodnight my friends. I'll be back again.

The birds nest

As I pulled weeds and filled mulch in the front garden yesterday, I saw a broken egg about the size of my pinky finger, lying in the weeds. It either fell from the tree or some animal carried it there. Broken open, contents not completely devoured by the elements or a predator, it became fertilizer for my flowers…as I buried it under the dirt, and lay mulch on top of it. The symbol of the egg brought new imagination to me once again as I await what God has in store for me.

Some call it “limbo” or “transition” a threshold into another place…but I call it fog. Not a foggy mind, where things aren’t clear…but a safe covering of something, like a veil that has yet to be pulled back, like the inside of an egg. Not a cocoon, as I’m not sure I’ve spun this one on my own, but a place of rebirth, a place where unknown newness lays.

At the end of my season in my last spiritual direction group – I felt a need to choose a gift for each gal in my group. I found some small trinkets at a shop in town; things that spoke a little about each story that was shared during our 9 months together.  I chose a small votive holder with tea light for each one, and the artwork on the outside was unique to their story – birds, swans on a lake, and an uplifting message about persistence. Also, I chose a special one that sent a message about listening for our facilitator.

As I chose these gifts for my companions, I chose something special for myself…

A small bird’s nest with three tiny green eggs sat quietly on a shelf of the store, and spoke new life into my troubled journey. These eggs are the same size as the one I saw on the ground. The symbol of new life, motherhood, home, comfort, rough places, unknown waiting, and hope filled my thoughts – and my heart filled with expectation. I brought the nest back to my office, and it sits on the shelf where I look upon my life. It’s out of the way, so as not to distract me from getting my daily work done. But today, for some reason, I brought it down right in front of my computer.

Something alive is stirring in me, and it’s like the soft shell of a bird’s egg that is just ready to start pecking it open from the inside out. These eggs sit quietly now…but when the time is right, the hope of new life is going to push its way into reality.

We never really die

explorefaith.org - Open Your Eyes

Seeking some solace, refuge, quiet stillness and silence...I look for things to help me meditate on where God is and where He may want me to be also. I have linked to explorefaith.org before. This is another way for me to seek God, to be opened up to the possibility of a closer spiritual relationship with Jesus Christ, my savior, King, and friend.

Recent grief has been like a dark cloud over my head the past month. I am remembering, too, the death of my dear friend Julie as we approach the two-year anniversary in another two months. I don't think we ever really finish grieving...as I believe the work that God does in our soul that is all about healing and reconciling us to Himself, is a life long process. Only in the opening of our eyes, in our earthly death do we finally see Him fully, truly, and wholy Holy. He is all of that, but we don't get to see it until we die to this life on this planet.

Dallas Willard has some things to say about dying, and how we never really die. This poem by Richard Guy Miller speaks to that for me.

I also believe that grief is experienced and felt in a variety of ways in each of us very differently from one another. I believe it's not that you can't feel joy or relief from the pain - or that you must act sad when you are in grief. I believe that no matter what you are feeling - that you should feel it fully - and God will meet you there. It may be in a happy memory, in the busy-ness of life, in the sad realization that we are left behind, in the lost hope of a future with our loved one...or whatever, that we must continue to FEEL what is happening to us, in us, and around us. We must give ourselves the grace to be who we are when we are, not just when others think it's appropriate. Time does heal wounds, and feeling the sorry does get less at times, but at other times the flood of emotion and sadness creeps back into my life and I need to allow myself to feel it, and not to stuff it down and ignore it's impact on my mind, body and spirit. To me, this is my spirituality. I may never understand fully the impact of a death on my life. But, I must receive the gift and knowledge of it by allowing my body and emotions to notice where I am and perhaps wonder why I am.

Open my eyes, Lord, to the time and place that is You.

Half empty or half full

The night feels very empty...aside from the cold air and loud breathing, dare I say snoring, coming from the other room. It's way past midnight and I'm up writing again. I don't know why but my mind is so full of thoughts at this time of the morning, and I haven't been to bed yet. All the lights are off aside from the one over the stovetop.
It's very cold in this room, at the kitchen table. It was about 55 degrees in the Twin Citites today, and it feels about like that now. I suppose I could get up and get a blanket, or put on a sweatshirt, but then I'd have to leave the dim light of the laptop to move...and quite frankly, my legs are very comfortable propped up on a chair.  Naw...just a minute...I do need a blanket. Maybe even a warm cup of tea. I'll be right back after I put some water on the stove...

The heat from the blue flame felt good for a moment. I guess so much of my life, every decision I make seems to be like it's multifaceted...so many perspectives to look at it. I thought I could only see my life from my point of view, but it seems it's rather more complicated than that. I realize that my personality seems to understand or sense how others perceive me. It's a bit weird, and hard to describe. Perhaps someday I'll try.

I guess you'd say I've always been a glass-half-full kind of person. I try to look for the up side, the positive, the stuff to be grateful for, and the stuff that we have in common instead of where we're different. But, I guess we all have moments in our lives - some people more than others - when the glass really does look half empty. I'm having that kind of a season.

If you've read past posts here, you'll notice I've gone mad. Well, those around me really don't know that I'm mad...but it's true. Inside my head is another voice that I'm just not sure I'm able to quiet. That other voice is my strange self who keeps looking for God in things where it shouldn't be. It's just not the same way others think. And, I can write whatever I want to here, because all the gals who follow my other blog because it's cute and all about home and garden stuff would never tread over here to read about my deeper spiritual side - the madness that is who I am when I write.

Oh....another moment please...the water is hot now.
I wish I could take a photo of my mug with the hot water steaming from it, but it's very dark in here. I'm just not sure the image would make it in such low light. See, even an image needs light to be fully seen for what it truely is. You cannot perceive color in the dark because in low light, the rods take over in the back of your eyes when the cones can see color during the well lit times. Sorry...slipped into optometric assistant mode for one moment. Boy, that was something hidden away for several years!

Thus...this season I'm in...where I'm working very hard at listening and watching for God is again more brought to light - the positive in me. But, then how is it in God's strange other-world-type paradigm of oposite is it that I should wait in a cold dark room and experience silence and solitude...and I feel so totally alone in my thoughts? If you're a Kingdom person you know what I mean by paradigm of oposite. This world is not like the other.

I cannot just sit here. I cannot just wait patiently and practice being in that very moment. I must write. I must type and clickety clack with my nails on the keyboard. I must strain my wrists and neck and shoulders to type out this lengthy blah blah blah on such a tiny little laptop. It's NOT ergonomic at all! Why am I still awake at such an hour?

I know I have so much to prepare for in the next few days. I have a large project due next week at work, I'll be covering for a co-worker while she's on vacation in Mexico, my garden needs to be weeded, fertilized,  and tended, and my husband's grandmother passed away this week so I should also be preparing photos for his cousins to put to foam poster boards in memory of this dear sweet woman who I miss terribly. Perhaps that's it. That's why I'm struggling with the sleep thing tonight. I don't have an excuse most nights, but I only need one tonight and it will work.

In my struggles with "not hearing God" these past months...I have been blessed by several women who are older than me. Some closer to my age and some much further along life's path. Grandma Swan was a genuine blessing to me the past 28 years that I knew her. She usually saw life as half-full, of course she birthed and raised ten children and had to see life that way to survive. I never got to ask her how she did it. But, she did remember the details about each of her children...secrets they thought she didn't know and praises she was sure to tell about them when they weren't looking. As a working mom, is my life much different? Her full time job was raising this brood...and she did a fine job at that. I just don't know if my life is all that different - but it is.

Here I go seeing the similarities again. Perhaps that's all that it is. The madness of positive attitude is the madness of loving others even when you don't want to. hmmmm...I've got myself thinking so hard I'm finally ready to begin nodding off in a more comfortable settting. Good morning to you  if you are waking, and good night to you if you are like me in this moment. Until we meet again here.
Same bat time, same bat channel.

Catch a wave...on the web

I had a dream a year ago - that I had a large plate of homegrown veggies - the plate was as big as a car. I felt a strong need to give it all away. I had been given so much, that I needed to share. Veggies are perishable, and they need to be eaten at peak freshness. I wanted everyone to enjoy the flavors and excitement that I had for my garden...I thought that's what it was about. I was giving it away, but I didn't know who was going to receive it.
Now, I'm wondering...what if the veggies were a metaphor for something else? But what else could it be?
What do I have, that grows fresh and ripe, and needs to be given away, to be shared and that others would benefit and be fed? I wonder about what my spiritual gifts are - hospitality, encouragement, faith...how can I put these together to help others? How to begin to dream of ways to reach out to others - in relationships not temporary.

I'm websurfing - and catching waves along these lines.
Stuff I'm thinking about...and searching for on Google and Bing.
If you choose to join me, let me know. If you see something interesting, or you notice something in the connections...let me know. Post a comment. I'd love to carry some with me on this journey.


Radical Hospitality
PBS - The Congregation
Opening a cafe/restaurant/bar
Live music in Maple Grove
Administrative gifts - how to support others well

The Virtue of Flexibility - Henri Nouwen

Trees look strong compared with the wild reeds in the field. But when the storm comes the trees are uprooted, whereas the wild reeds, while moved back and forth by the wind, remain rooted and are standing up again when the storm has calmed down.

Flexibility is a great virtue. When we cling to our own positions and are not willing to let our hearts be moved back and forth a little by the ideas or actions of others, we may easily be broken. Being like wild reeds does not mean being wishy-washy. It means moving a little with the winds of the time while remaining solidly anchored in the ground. A humorless, intense, opinionated rigidity about current issues might cause these issues to break our spirits and make us bitter people. Let's be flexible while being deeply rooted.

By My Spirit...Billy McLaughlin

Long time in the dark
Lost, now where to start?
Lonely shadows run
Life loses love when you don't feel the sun

Heavy world pressing down
Dark clouds all around
I pray to the Light
I pray to the One
I pray we would light up this world

Time to be coming out into the light
Time for the day, end of the night
Not by power, not by might, but by Spirit.

No one likes to see
Impossible roads ahead of me
No one likes to hear
A life broken down
A life full of fear

Time to be coming out into the light
Time for the day, end of the night
Not by power, not by might
But by Spirit
But, by my Spirit
But, by my Spirit..

So lift what you find hard to lift
And move what you find hard to move
And love those you find hard to love
Nothings impossible...
All things are possible...
Nothing's impossible...

Time to be coming out into the light
Time for the day, end of the night
Not by power, not by might
But by Spirit

Time to be coming out into the light
Time for the day, end of the night
Not by power, not by might
But by Spirit

But, by my spirit...
But, by my spirit...
But, by my spirit...

Online Lenten resources

explorefaith.org -

When we are real...Lenten Calendar. Guidance on the road to the cross - as we live a life through the 40 days of lent, these guides, signposts along the way, help us to frame how we are to be in Christ, and to be real and feel fully all that is going on inside of us...as promptings from God.

Being intentional about my life during this season of Lent, finding ways to fast from something helps me focus on my Creator, and how He is creating a new life inside of me. Fasting from tv and noise is not easy for me, but I'm longing for the closeness of my spirit with Christ - for a patience to live within each moment as it comes, and not to push past it too quickly.

Sit in silence this week...reflection the next...and pay attention to surroundings on the next. I'm grateful for tools like this calendar to walk us through the season together.

Something's coming...

It feels like the wind is changing. Imagine walking on the shore of a great wide expanse. The wind is shifting...it smells fresh, new, and a little salty on your face. Right now it's a light breeze...but is there a fierce wind behind it? What is that still small voice in the stillness saying? It's been still and stale for a long time now - several months. I've been hoping for a breath of fresh air. Is this it? What is shifting?

Walking on the shore - noticing the wind, the birds, the sunshine, the clouds, the trees swaying in the midst of whatever forces them to and fro. What is this place? I don't recognize it, but it feels familiar - like it's meant for me. Not comfortable, but worthwhile. Not passive, but peaceful. Cared for, but also care free.

Is the tide coming in, or is this a tsunami? What if my feet get wet? Then what? Am I willing to let the wave of whatever this is take me under? Am I willing to let it grab hold of me, and pull me down like an undercurrent and am I willing to die to whatever I was before, and learn to breath  under water? When this wave comes into the shore - it brings much with it. Am I willing to get wet, or stay safe and dry? What if it's not a tsunami, but just another rising tide - that only comes waist deep? Is it enough to knock me off my feet? Am I willing to let it come over me, or do I need to jump into it? When it has completely overwhelmed me, what will it look like when it goes out to sea? Will I stand on the shore all wet, or will I be swept out with it and dance and swim with the creatures of another world?

I'm blowing the doors off the walls and the box that I've lived within. I've set up a definition of who I am, by trying to find out more about who I am. And, what if that's not who I am going to be forever? What if I am being called to something far greater than I could ever imagine?
It started with a wondering, about a vocation, about something different. Playing on what I really love, time with my husband, great music, great food, creating space for people to experience relationship and themselves. What does it take to open a restaurant? What would it look like if we took our children out of school and moved across the globe and began a mission in another country? What would it be if I took a new job with travel opportunities, and was able to take my family with me to another world?

I had a dream last summer about a huge plate of vegetables - and that my life was so very plentiful that I wanted to give it all away. What if those vegetables weren't vegetables at all? What if they were gifts from God? And...what if they weren't my gifts? What if I was helping others to give away their gifts to others? What would that look like?

I don't blog for you, dear reader. I blog for myself. For words as I process things outside my own head. I blog for reasons that I believe Jesus is bringing new life to me. I can still only see the steps right in front of me...but I see an amazing vista. And, I wonder - out loud most times. What would it look like from that other peak over there? What about from that shore to the left, from that tree to the right, from a small boat in the middle of the ocean? Can I see the forest from where I am? Looking at the trees right next to me, I don't know if I'm even looking at a forest, or just a grove of trees. Perhaps it's just a guideline - a boundary - for a new land way beyond my dreams. Boy, these are pretty trees. What do they do? How did they get here? Who lives here? Am I looking at too many details that I can't see the big picture?

My desire is to breath in and feel the shift in the wind. Then, to rest a while in the freshness of that breeze...and gather enough strength...and allow it to totally take my breath away.

Prayer for Patience

Gracious God, it’s so hard to wait. To wait for new things to happen in my life. To wait for you to answer my prayers. To wait for the open doors that may lead me into a new way of being. During the time of waiting, it seems that all I can think of is having what it is I am waiting for. At times I feel weary of asking and waiting, and I wonder if you really hear my prayers at all, if you are ignoring me, or if you are simply refusing to give me my heart’s desire. A part of me knows that you want my best, and that your time is not my time, but Lord, it is still so hard to wait. Deepen my trust, O Lord, during the times when my heart longs for what can only come in the fullness of time. Give me a calm assurance that your will for me is grander than anything I could ever imagine. Still my mind and heart in your love so that I am mindful of the grace you are draping around me every single day, every single moment. I ask this for the sake of your love.

Copyright ©1999-2008 explorefaith.org

Links to a hidden world

Creativity - writing, playing music, playing, art, dancing, thinking outside the box...
Physical activity - running, working out, swimming, gardening, shoveling snow, stripping wallpaper, painting a wall, mowing the lawn...
Spirituality - sense or sensitivity to religious values, and/or experience of life from a faith perspective.

My friend, John, has been blogging for 7 days in a row, and has set a goal of 28 days of creativity.
I love what he says about creativity being linked to spirituality. I find myself meditating during gardening, stripping wallpaper, and even shoveling snow.  Enjoy the link to his site. Very interesting.

A Lenten Prayer by Henri Nouwen

The Lenten season begins. It is a time to be with you, Lord, in a special way, a time to pray, to fast, and thus to follow you on your way to Jerusalem, to Golgotha, and to the final victory over death.

I am still so divided. I truly want to follow you, but I also want to follow my own desires and lend an ear to the voices that speak about prestige, success, pleasure, power, and influence. Help me to become deaf to these voices and more attentive to your voice, which calls me to choose the narrow road to life.

I know that Lent is going to be a very hard time for me. The choice for your way has to be made every moment of my life.
I have to choose thoughts that are your thoughts, words that are your words, and actions that are your actions. There are not times or places without choices. And I know how deeply I resist choosing you.

Please, Lord, be with me at every moment and in every place.
Give me the strength and the courage to live this season faithfully, so that, when Easter comes, I will be able to taste with joy the new life that you have prepared for me.

Amen.

It's all about timing...

I hate waiting...but somehow I'm called to do it right now. I'm trying to live in the little bit of light that I have, and not ask for more to be revealed until the right time.
What is it about God's timing that is always perfect? When we wanted a baby, we waited 3 years for a pregnancy, and in that waiting I did much soul searching. But, God knew that I needed to wait. Then, when I wanted a second child, He knew that I would be better cared for in a different job - so that I could spend time with my baby - so that one waited several years as well. Now, my kids are 10 (almost 11) and 5. They are wonderful pieces of my life...and in the waiting I found that He was watching and waiting with me. Watching me to move and grow in ways that drew me closer to God.
Then, as we waited several years to buy our first house...when it was right, I just knew it in my gut. Somehow, God continued to provide the right pieces to fall into place when we had waited just long enough.
It was hard knowing when the waiting was over, though. And, when the heart begins to move and leap - is that the time to end the waiting?
Because right now my heart is leaping to some new things, and I wonder what is in this waiting time? Is there something I should be doing? preparing? for the end of the waiting? Is there going to be an end to the waiting?
All that I know is this...that I am called to wait. That this 'crisis" or whatever that I'm living in during my "mid-life" is strange and unfamiliar. But, because He, who has always been faithful to me, is present and waits beside me...then I, too, can be faithful to Him and wait for the right time to move forward.
Until then, thanks for journeying with me. Let me know you've stopped here by leaving a comment. Tell me how God has met you in your waiting for something.

Being open to the call

God is calling me...but I'm not sure I'm hearing Him correctly. When I look at the circles of discernment - those repeated places from varying sources...I find myself wondering and scratching my head. It's still not clear.
I'm praying for clarity - for God to simply open or close the doors where He would wish that I go.
Then, once I hear Him clearly - I ask for humbleness to be obedient to His call - to follow wherever He may want me to go.
This is once again setting me face down in the sand. Instead of wondering...I'm going to simply be open to listening and following. And pray that He guides me to something very clear and without a doubt of where I should be, and what I should do.
Dear Lord, be with me. Help me rid me of myself - and be reminded that I completely 100% belong to you!

"Angel Doves" lyrics - Mindy Smith

My soundtrack for today...Hillsong, Mindy Smith, and Natlie Merchant.

Angel Doves - by Mindy Smith

When you're bilndsided and decieved
And chained to the floor
When it's diffucult to see
Riding on the world

Keep on believing God is
Soaring above a world that is
Running out of love
Pouring hope out over us
His angel doves

When it's hard for you to breathe
Keep a clear mind
When it's hard for you to be
Just to be yourself sometimes

Keep on believing God is
Soaring above a world that is
Running out of love
Pouring hope out over us
His angel doves

Truly believing God is
Soaring above a world that is
Running out of love
Pouring hope out over us
His angel , His angel, His angel

His angel doves

I don't think I hate change...

It's funny as I think about it. I have gone through a tremendous amount of change in my workplace over the past year. People have left - or been let go - departments consolidated and now we're overworked and understaffed. Our direction hasn't changed, but it feels like the path has. I say "I hate change." But, I'm not so sure about that.
I'm the first one to choose a different spot to sit at the table, different spot to park in daily, different place to sit in church on Sunday, different way to drive home. I recently changed my cubical at work, to get a new perspective - and additional workspace. All these empty cubes just sitting here, they might as well be used.
I change my hair, I change my clothes, I decide on a different food for each meal. I love the change of seasons -yes, even the first snowfall...but I'd love it to change back to summer right away. We even bought a new house last year - and I peeled wallpaper off walls in a bathroom downstairs last night. That is change.

Is it the change that I hate so much? Or, is it just not having control over the change, and not knowing why the change is necessary? I find myself very wrapped up in "change you can count on" and "change for the good." When I also know that change is necessary for growth.

I tell you the truth, unless a kernel of wheat falls to the ground and dies, it remains only a single seed. But if it dies, it produces many seeds. - John 12:24

So, how am I being changed? Am I willing to die to myself so I can live In Christ? The change is subtle - the change is intentional. The question remains...if it's not "change" in itself that I hate - what is it?

Enough Light for the Next Step, by Henri Nouwen

This was in my inbox this moring...

"Often we want to be able to see into the future. We say, "How will next year be for me? Where will I be five or ten years from now?" There are no answers to these questions.

Mostly we have just enough light to see the next step: what we have to do in the coming hour or the following day. The art of living is to enjoy what we can see and not complain about what remains in the dark. When we are able to take the next step with the trust that we will have enough light for the step that follows, we can walk through life with joy and be surprised at how far we go. Let's rejoice in the little light we carry and not ask for the great beam that would take all shadows away."

I'm beginning to think that those who choose the daily meditation at Henri Nouwen.org are reading my thoughts - or more that the universe is speaking to me in circles again. "The art of living is to enjoy what we can see and not complain about what remains in the dark." Hmmmm...art of living, what does that mean to me? Is living my life an expression of art? Am I trying too hard to see what's intentionally left in the dark?
So many questions keep running in my head. Make it stop!

Living the Moment to the Fullest, by Henri Nouwen

"Patience is a hard discipline. It is not just waiting until something happens over which we have no control: the arrival of the bus, the end of the rain, the return of a friend, the resolution of a conflict. Patience is not a waiting passivity until someone else does something. Patience asks us to live the moment to the fullest, to be completely present to the moment, to taste the here and now, to be where we are. When we are impatient we try to get away from where we are. We behave as if the real thing will happen tomorrow, later and somewhere else. Let's be patient and trust that the treasure we look for is hidden in the ground on which we stand." - Henri Nouwen

Truer words were never so hard to swallow.
 

"Resting when exhausted was never even a possibility. Resting when exhausted is now a possibility." - Sue Bender.

 
Lord, help me to live in the moment with You, and to rest and not push forward twice as hard.

Circles of Discernment

As I have felt like I'm driving in fog - I also am reminded to live in the light. After all, that's the name of this blog. I've been looking for a lighted sign to signal me in a direction that currently is unknown to me. I am blinded by the lack of light in my path. But, how is that possible if Jesus is right beside me as the Light of the World? I changed the verse at the top of my blog this week. A little better reality of what I think this blog is.

God speaks to me in circles. I think I mentioned that in my last post. I listen in circles. As an extrovert, I process much outside of my head - out loud with others, by writing, whatever...and when I hear myself say something or am reminded about a different conversation that happened recently and notice a similar metaphor, similar tone, similar circumstance...I find myself completing the circle and considering that idea to be a word from God himself.
So, my last post was about driving in a fog, and that metaphor is going crazy for me the past couple of days.

In fact, just checking in with co-workers over lunch yesterday two different people, in different conversations, commented about driving in the poor weather conditions over the hoiday break. Like driving in blinding snowstorm, and  having to pull over several times to rest, stretch, go to the bathroom, whatever. So, I'm listening! My layers of circles are coming around again. Do I need to pull over and stop for a while instead of continuing on in a fog, or snow or whatever? Then, I read an article that helps me put more words to my metaphor. http://www.explorefaith.org/lifeissues/finding_my_way/discernment/parting_the_clouds.php

And over and over again in my searching for a light - I am hearing again. I'm not as lost as I thought I was. I'm just in need of a rest, and totally in need of being a bit more patient with God, to help me with whatever He has for me.
Renee Miller also authored another article about new beginnings on explorefaith.org that is helping to put words to what I'm experiencing.

"In so many sacred stories where people are changing, there is a period of waiting—a space that spans the old and the new. A space that makes it possible to fully let go of the past in order to be single-mindedly ready for the future.


Consider the Israelites, for example, who wandered in a wasteland for forty years before beginning their new life in the Promised Land. Or Jesus, who spent 40 days in the wilderness before taking up his ministry. These periods of waiting can seem annoying or even onerous and difficult, but they are actually a gift that will help prepare us to move into a new beginning with fullness and joy."

That's it! It's terribly annoying! It's terribly uncomfortable. I thought I was going crazy!

A friend mentioned that now might be a good time for me to get a personal spiritual director. A spiritual coach per say. I will consider it, but not sure if these circles of discernement aren't helping me with some of that for now. The fact that I'm one who processes outside my head leads me to believe that God knew exactly what He was doing when He made me who I am. This road to self discovery, this road to the unknown is finding myself in circles.
Author, Sue Bender, says something intriguing to me about circles in her book: Stretching Lessons.
http://books.google.com/books?id=QaLLObnsX7MC&pg=PA93&lpg=PA93&dq=sue+bender,+circles&source=bl&ots=-N5IqxAr57&sig=BEjDNK8aFAbPv58yYhFxkPIgjxY&hl=en&ei=0xRFS8eHIou2M42w2fEB&sa=X&oi=book_result&ct=result&resnum=1&ved=0CAoQ6AEwAA#v=onepage&q=&f=false

Circles, huh? Buddhism, Japanese calligraphy and all that jazz. My heritage is Japanese. My life with Jesus is wonderful, and would he open up some new thoughts in this world so I can more fully understand the character of God? Perspective, patience, and willingness to be helpless. That's what I say, he brings us to our knees so we remember dependence upon Him is necessary for growth.

Oh God, how I love that you love me!